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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:17 pm |
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Well - after all my talk about my husband telling me when he is having a weak moment - or has slipped...I have to admit that I am COMPLETELY naive!
This past week he's had a "thing" searching for that American Idol contestant...as well as looking for the pictures in "question". You may or may not have heard about this.
Throughout the past year I came to realize that my husband gets turned on by teenage girls (approx 14 to 17 - but I previously found pre-teen porn on my computer). He says that he doesn't get turned on or fantasize about them in "real life", every day situations...only just when he is acting out with porn.
Oh...it's not just teenage girls - it's older woman as well...but both concern me.
Ya...right...I don't believe him now. I don't think I will EVER believe anything he tells me any more.
Moving on...I need your feedback...
I have 2 sons from a previous marriage (they are 22 and 23 - I was very young when I had them). I can no longer have children and my husband and I have talked about and plan on adopting a girl.
With my knowledge (now) of his attraction to teenage girls...I am now re-thinking this idea.
Is getting sexually turned on by teenage girls normal? Would he ever act out in real life? I would love to hear from the spouses of SA's...as well as SA's themselves.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:30 pm |
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Relying on Faith,
I am so sorry that this is an issue. Although, I would think that porn is porn... and a sexy human body is the attraction to a porn addict, regardless of age... it does put a bit of terror in my heart when they start to dabble really close to kiddy porn. The girls often make themselves out to be older than they really are... and if it's a woman's body, well, does age matter?
Ugh... I hate all this.
But, if I were in your shoes, I would stall on any adoptions... especially with girls, until and unless he gets to the root of this porn thing.
We have a friend who never touched his daughters but will likely go to prison for gross sexual imposition on a young woman his daughter's age. So even if your H wouldn't ever touch "his daughter", well, his daughter is going to be bringing friends home.
Until this is resolved... wow.. sounds dangerous to me. Maybe this can be the "line in the sand" drawn that will force him to get help?
Hugs and prayers headed your way!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:36 pm |
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Thank you, Suzi.
I am telling you...it sickens me. I guess I should probably go with my instincts on this one and "draw the line in the sand" as you say.
Every time he looks at porn...no matter what the age the "subjects" are...it's like a knife being stabbed into my heart.
I know now where I stand with him...number 1 are his needs (which include porn)...number 2 is where I am - and my mother always told me that God doesn't what me to be second best.
I am really depressed about this today.
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Steve
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:47 pm |
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Well, since you asked for advice, I appears you'd be at risk of making a HUGE MISTAKE (for the girl, your family and anyone else involved) to adopt a girl in your household.
I obviously do not know many specifics about your situation, but my short input based on the information you shared is this: It sounds like your husband has some very significant sexual addiction problems to work through, and frankly, people don't get better by luck. It will take hard work and a lot of humility on his end to really get free. Proceed in all things with caution.
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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rosiemj
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 03:20 am |
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Hi relying on faith, I would NOT get any children into your home with him because of this and also if you break up with him it will be putting these kids in a bad position also.
Have you watched Dateline with the old guys and the young girls? Not good. If he is telling you this there is more! And do not believe he does not sexualize out in public at all. It does not just happen on the computer it escalates outside of the home also. Do not be fooled by him.
Trust your gut and watch out for the denial of your gut instincts also. The pain is high and it is easy to deny this stuff as the pain gets greater for you and it will as he keeps up the addiction and you get wore down from the stress of worrying all the time. God Bless and Please do not get children in the middle of this. Rosie
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 05:41 am |
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Relying on Faith,
Please ask yourself if you can live this way.
Please think about what your bare minimum would be to be happy with your husband.
Please think about the boundary that needs to be established to allow you to live a "normal" married life.
From my own personal experience, until I did that... nothing changed... lots of promises... I'm sorries... etc. But I had to be willing to leave the relationship before we could make significant progress, and guess what? THAT didn't even keep it working since he definitely had a huge back-slide. Even now... after all we've been through, I am ready to walk out the door tomorrow if I need to. I have told him he can have whoever he WANTS to have... he can look at whatever he WANTS to look at... It's HIS choice!! He just can't do the bad stuff and still have ME! If I catch him lying, being deceitful, screwing around again... well, no tears... I'm gone!
Mercy will be there for him if he comes to me and tells me he is struggling... I am willing to work with honesty...
But no more little black books... porn... chat rooms, etc.
So far so good... today...
Draw the line.... honestly... it may save your marriage... at the least it will let you know where you stand.
Hang in there!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 04:37 pm |
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Hi Relying on Faith and Suzi, A lie detector test at intervals would be in order if I were to commit back into a relationship with a sex addict. I feel I would deserve that at least to be with someone who uses and abuses porn etc. for whatever excuse they have. Addiction or no........
I feel partners of sex addicts get wore down and in fear so they do not totally stand up to the addict and end up in worry and stress all the time waiting on the addict to be okay and come clean to stop the madness.
That is leaving your life's very essence of who you are and the loveliness of just being able to BE in this world up to a person who does not respect who you are. Nor do they care about how you feel.
I feel you can think you are putting demands down all you want to and all the things about going to leave and other threats to your partners but if you do not see concrete behavior that shows you they are totally taking this serious then I feel it is not fair to you at all.
YOU do not make THEIR life hell they make yours but because of this excuse that it is an addiction they get away with a lot of murder.
To live with someone that you feel the need to be on defense because of THEIR actions is no way to live even if you think they are abiding by your demands. Concrete is needed and if your partner is not willing to get up daily and show a willingness with actions to make sure you are okay then I would not put myself in any positions with them.
I feel that people who deal with addicts give them a lot of leeway under the name of a disease. But I feel this disease is license to do something that is unfaithful and makes a fool of the partner who suffers.
We make leeway in this society to things that are not real diseases but because a label has been put society makes it okay. Back in my day if a person was unfaithful it got taken care of without this deal that it needed all this attention and the person could not help it due to something that was not their fault. BULL!
I hope you both can find a way to have more serene days for yourselves. When you are pulled down or on defense over someone elses crap it takes away the good things in life that you could be enjoying. It is not right nor fair to yourself.
And do not bring children into this because everyone will be even more affected by these guys who need a knot tied in their tails once and for all. God Bless you both Rosie
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 12:05 am |
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Rosiemj,
I hope you both can find a way to have more serene days for yourselves. When you are pulled down or on defense over someone elses crap it takes away the good things in life that you could be enjoying. It is not right nor fair to yourself.
I hear you, I really do.
The reason I am staying with my husband TODAY is because I really think he is making an effort. He has made huge changes in his life the last few years, and I commend him for it. Personally, I would like to see more changes. But I give him credit for where he is.
Meanwhile, as I wait this out, I have to tell you, I have had to reach down and dig deep TO stay. It has nothing to do with fairness. There is nothing fair about being a betrayed spouse. Nothing. But my source of serenity isn't based on fairness, it's based on obedience to what I believe God is asking me to do today in my marriage... and that is to tough it out one more day.
Tomorrow I'll see if I am still supposed to "stay". I am "ready" to go, but willing to stay. I know this probably sounds crazy. But I truly am living this one day at a time. I often think it would be easier to just leave and get it over with, but God keeps confirming to me that staying is where HE wants me.
My goal these last few years has been to just curl up as close as I can to God and let Him take care of the rest.
Like I said earlier.. it's a day by day thing for me. Someday I may post here and say, "well today is the day", and then initiate my exit plan. But I see rays of hope, and even though I don't think I could go through this crap again, I really belong to God anyway. He will be with me, no matter what happens in my marriage.
I don't want anybody to think that leaving an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse is a lesser option than staying. When it's time to leave, by all means, leave!
God bless everybody here... nobody who posts here has a cakewalk going on....
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 01:38 am |
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Hi Suzi, I am glad you have faith. It helps and is a healthy way to deal with this unhealthy problem your husband has with sex. As I read your post though I feel you just exist waiting for him to be better so you can have something more in a marriage. That is no way to live. You waste a lot of time that is precious.
As far as God goes in this he would not want you to be suffering no matter what. Marriage or not. God is all about love not torment. He does not want you to stay and suffer. He wants you to live and be happy.
You say your husband is doing better. But you do not sound happy and like you have to fight every day to be okay. I understand your staying and need to get to where you need to be to leave or find a way to be happier staying with your husband.
It is a process and one day something will be loud and clear to you as to what you want to do with your life one way or another. Here is something I think you will like.
http://capeverde-islands.com/Awakening.html
God bless you and I admire your faith and strength. Rosie
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 02:34 am |
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Rosiemj,
Thank you so much for your concern for me.
And sometimes it IS better to leave a marriage. I am not ruling that out as a possibility.
However, I know in my heart with a certainty that it is not the time yet for me to do that. As far as wasting my time... no. The pain and struggle that comes with a potential rebuilding situation that is totally released to God is not a waste of my time or my life. Being in the center of God's will is never a waste. It is not alway pleasant... ask Joseph how it felt to be sold as a slave... or Moses how it felt to be exiled for 40 years, and many others who suffered as God worked HIS plan.
God has always been faithful to lead me and guide me. And sometimes there is pain and suffering as we walk through valleys and betrayals. But God's presence through it gives me the strength to go on. Right now, I know it is His will for me to be with my husband. I have reconciled my heart to take it one day at a time. So, tomorrow? Well, we will see about it tomorrow! 
God bless you, Rosie!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 03:37 am |
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Hi girls! Just buzzing by ... and something is really bothering me here. Pre-teen porn? Are you saying you found child pornography on your computer? This still going on? Uh, it just really scares me for YOU because this is a federal crime to the best of my knowledge.
Can you update on where your husband is as far as looking at young girls in pornographic situations?
HUGS!
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 12:29 pm |
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Rosie, you said: " but because of this excuse that it is an addiction they get away with a lot of murder. " I realize that there are some who would use the addiction as an excuse; those that are still in it. Don't assume that all addicts use their addiction as an excuse. My husband has not. Some do heal.
Suzi, I understand exactly what you are saying about taking it one day at a time.
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 12:42 pm |
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Relying on Faith, Your husband is dabbling in Child Pornography, whether he has acted on it yet or not. Sexual Addiction is PROGRESSIVE. Dabbling is the road to the escalation. He is funding the sexual abuse of children by viewing child porn, he is breaking the law.
You cannot RELY on Faith to make your husband's addiction go away. God gives man FREEWILL. Yes, prayer helps and can change your husband's will,if HE WANTS TO.
NOBODY should sit back while their spouse violates the marriage with porn. NOBODY should put up with it. JMO
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 12:50 pm |
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| This looking at children is much bigger than he says. He has stepped into INTRUSIVE sex. He has objectifyed children. Very dangerous ground. If you have children;beware. He is an addict, and addicts lie. You know that. Why do you believe he hasn't taken it further? VERIFY. Put that keylogger on that computer.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 08:38 pm |
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I haven't had the chance to log into my account for a few days - and have read everyone's feedback. Thank you.
There was only one instance where the title of what he was watching said "pre-teen". Yes...I know...one too many times. My guess would have been (a maturly developed) 13-14 year old. Actually - that video is exactly what prompted me to confront him once and for all last December 06. I haven't come across anything like it since then.
This past week has been full of discussions about this topic. He confessed to me that he masterbated Saturday night. This was the first time he confessed anything to me without me confronting him first. I know he masterbated Saturday night - as I seem to have turned into a really good detective. I really know him well. Oh yes...we had a really long discussion about it the other night.
He has now opened everything up to me. His work laptop - his e-mail, etc. He said he wants to be transparent. He wants me to feel secure and trust him and if that means giving me access to everthing - then that's what he wants.
He is also deleting ALL of the porn e-mail he has kept. I insisted on it and he has no problem doing so.
Is there any program available that will prevent porn received in e-mails (windows media viewer) from being opened? Or - are there only programs that I can see what he's seen?
That all being said...addicts ARE liars. NOPE - I am not in denial. He's lied about a couple of really small things - and if he can lie about that...he can still lie about the larger ones.
So - although I feel somewhat better about our many conversations...I am not completely happy because he has not yet earned my trust (but telling me about masterbating is a huge leap in our lives). I'll give him credit for being honest with me on that one (but not credit for actually doing it...I am not stupid).
From the way some people speak...it sounds like addicts can never be healed. I am sorry - I refuse to believe that. I have been a witness to miracles. My Dad is a recovering alcoholic/prescription drug addict (clean and sober for 32 years now - through the Grace of God). If my Mom had left my Dad...my brother would never have been born and who knows if my Father would be alive today. Because my Mom relied on faith in God - because she was always a Christian - my Father booked himself into the Donwood when I was 9 years old and then gave his life to the Lord. They have now been married for 41 years and I am so grateful my Mom did what God wanted her to do!
Whatever God wants me to do...His will be done. I do not believe His will would be for me to leave my husband. There is a reason and a purpose for everything and my husband and I met for a reason...and it is for life.
Yes - we have a lot of work to be done. There is so much healing that we both need. But - I really believe it will happen. That's not denial...that's not being naive...that's having faith in God. If I did not have faith in God...then there just is no point to anything in life.
This all is very new to me (porn addiction) - and I am just crawling along trying to figure things out. Sometimes I need to scream! Sometimes I need to cry! Sometimes I need to vent! When I don't have anyone to do that with...I come to this board and pray that I can scream and cry and vent - and have people reply who know what it's like and maybe give me some advice. I cannot give advice to anyone as I am still messed up - but if someone new comes along and sees what I've written - perhaps they will be able to relate and know that they are not alone.
I guess you can all see the pain I have and I don't even know why I typed all of that stuff above. Guess I had some stuff on my mind.
Thank you to all of you...for your support...your feedback...your advice. It really is helpful and I thank God for all of you!!!
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 09:15 pm |
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Hey, it's good he opened up to you! That is a HUGE sign of repentence. You know, I understand fully the things you've said. I, too, have chose to stay. Against all human rationale, I stay. And that's perfectly okay. God is here with me. Please don't feel judged because no one but you and God can really determine whether you go or stay.
I know addicts can change, too. My brother was an alcoholic and crack addict for more years than I honestly remember. One day, he realized he was fixin' to lose everything and just stopped ... cold turkey. How he did it I will never know. But he's been clean as a whistle for years now. It took him taking responsibility for his own behavior, that much I know. He told me awhile back that no one could possibly have influenced him to change until the day he "got it" on his own. But, I'm encouraged. Just hoping more addicts "get it".
BIG HUGS!
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 10:10 pm |
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RelyingonFaith, Thank you for the clarification, having found one young teen is way different than child porn. I know that much of the porn on the internet is teen this or that, Young, barely legal ect. Those are the type I found my husband was looking at; college, young, barely legal ect. are common denominators.
I'm sorry, I thought he was looking at pre-teens/children. Those (pedophiles) cannot seem to get better. I believe pedophiles have seared their hearts and conscience beyond repair and are spiritually dead.
I believe in overcoming porn addiction and it sounds like you and your husband are on your way. I'm nearly 4 years into this now, since he was diagnosed-nearly 5 since I found out he was looking at porn. He seems to have the addiction under control and we are working on intimacy issues and him being open and honest.
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 10:47 pm |
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Whoo Hoo!!
Relying on Faith...
We are hearing the sounds of PROGRESS! What a great start. Now, it's probably going to be a bit of a roller coaster, so don't get too discouraged if things seem to falter off and on.
My advice is to really strike while the iron is hot... what I mean by that is... right now your husband appears to be tender to his sin problem. Get as much accomplished as you can NOW before life sort of gets back to a normal hum-drum.
Make some joint decisions about what you can do to increase your intimacy, your companionship, your fun times together. Then do them! Also, I would encourage you to incorporate something that will increase your spiritual bonding. I don't know where you are now spiritually, but try to add some kind of "couple event" to your Christian walk.
This is an encouraging post! I am glad I got to read it today!
Thanks for sharing!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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