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woundedwife
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 04:21 am |
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Hi All - I just discovered this website the other night while searching for information, and wish I would have come across it long ago. I'm to the point where I don't know what to do and really could use some answers from those of you who have "been there, done that." I'm going to try to make a long story short, so please bear with me.
My husband and have been married for almost 13 years. Before we were married, I knew my husband had had "problems with porn." However, I was assured that he had received counseling and everything was OK. At the time, I was so incredibly nieve - I thought a porn problem was looking at a Playboy every once in a while. After we were married for a few years, I started noticing some things around the house, and when I mentioned them, he promised me that he wouldn't look at those things again. Of course, I believed him. Our sex life was ok at the time, but he had some fetishes that I thought were a little odd that he wanted to try. A few of them I went along with, and when I didn't like them, he dropped it for a time. Once we got the internet in our home, all hell broke loose so to speak. I don't know how many times over the years I would confront him with what I had found on the computer. His response would either be an apology or a lie and denial. The last few years, he has been telling me that companies out there will track your activity on the computer and then dump junk files onto your computer. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, all the while my gut was telling me that could not possibly be true.
At the beginning of this year, I decided enough was enough. My 8-year-old son had seen some pictures on the computer that were totally inappropriate, so I decided to take some action and educate myself a little better about the computer. I found over 600 video files downloaded, and then I looked at a few of them, along with the history on the computer. Many of them were homosexual in nature, and that really threw me for a loop. I didn't confront him right away this time, but got some advice on how to handle the situation. I did confront him about a month ago now. At first he started to lie, and then he admitted that he had downloaded all that garbage. When I tried to talk to him about the homosexual aspect of what he was looking at, he said he had no explanation for that. He tried to tell me his use of porn and masturbation had nothing to do with me - it's all him.
I think I can count on both hands the number of times we have had sex in the last 8 years. Other than during my pregnancies because of complications and shortly after the births of our children, this has not been by my choice. I have done everything I could think of to seduce / coax / cajole him into lovemaking. He just isn't interested. Occasionally, he will try to have sex, but is not able to "finish." When we do have sex, he cannot look me in the eye, has to have his eyes closed, and has to concentrate. It's been like that ever since we've been married, which I thought was strange at first. Now I know it's because he has to conjure up images in his mind in order to achieve a sexual release. He's not making love to me at all. He just doesn't understand why that bothers me.
I told him a few weeks ago that this had to stop - not only for me, but because we have 3 children in the house. I have been amazed as I've read the articles on this site how the descriptions of behaviors, moods, etc mirror my husband. His initial answer was that I could put a filter on the computer and he wouldn't look at it anymore. We went and saw a counselor, but she was a total joke. I was expecting the fact that she was a woman would somehow weigh on my behalf. She was of the opinion that porn has its place in society and I was making too big of a deal out of it. He was out of town for work last week (laptop in tow), so I packed up the kids and left with the intention of pulling the rug out from under him and letting him know that I am serious about not tolerating this anymore. He said he was willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage because he doesn't believe in divorce. I do love him and want to make it work, but at the same time, I want to know somewhat of what I'm in for. I know everyone is different, but some advice / insight would be greatly appreciated.
Now for my questions:
- Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to show me concrete steps that he is taking to have victory over this once and for all. What things should I expect him to do before going back home?
- I know I cannot change my husband's heart - he has to want to change and be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to change him. I know there is not a magic number attached to this, but how long am I obligated to wait to see evidence of change, if indeed he decides that is what he wants?
- Is it even possible that we will ever have a "normal" sex life? Especially since he has an apparent attraction to men (he says he doesn't want to have sex with a man, it's all about control), will I ever be able to please him sexually without him having to draw on the images that are ingrained in his mind?
- I have 2 boys and I saw the statistic that 70% of boys whose dads are porn addicts will be as well. I have to admit that scares the living daylights out of me. What can I do (other than pray and ask God to keep their minds pure) to lessen the chances of them having the same addiction?
- Does anyone with young children have any advice for telling kids why they have to be separated from their dad for a while. I don't want to say anything that will lower their opinion of their dad. They worship him and miss him terribly, which makes me feel guilty, while at the same time knowing that I am doing the right thing for them and for him in the long run.
So many things have been going through my mind over the last couple of months and I know this is a lot to answer. Any thoughts at all will be cherished greatly!
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 05:38 am |
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WW,
So glad you posted. That was probably difficult to get it all down and posted.
What you have described appears to come from some very deep-seated problems that will not simply just GO AWAY.
You asked:
- Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to show me concrete steps that he is taking to have victory over this once and for all. What things should I expect him to do before going back home?
Please know you are NOT being unreasonable here. Not at all. I hope others who have more experience in this will chime in soon to help.
But at the very least, he needs to get some serious counseling... something comprehensive and intensive.
I fear that it's going to take a very long time for him to come to terms with all this, and as young as your family is, I think the burden of protecting them is going to fall on you. I hope I am wrong. But these deep seated addictions and dysfunctions are as tenacious as anything I have ever had to experience.
I recommend that you simplify your life as much as you can... Prioritize and re-prioritize because you are in a war... and you will be drained. Your daily battles are going to take every ounce of energy you can muster. Take care of yourself physically, get rest, good nutition (vitamins if you can't eat)... Those kids need you!
I recommend that you stay close to God... journal if you can... and write Scriptures for strength and guidance... Psalms and Proverbs are especially helpful.
Do you have a pastoral couple you can turn to for real life guidance? A trustworthy female friend who will be there for you? If so, please let these trustworthy people into your life to share this burden.
Get into counseling for yourself, possibly even your kids, too.
In my opinion and experience, these steps will help you get started on a path that will strengthen you, protect the family, and allow time to see if your husband is really serious about getting himself emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and physically healthy.
My heart goes out to you. Please know that I wll be praying for you tonight..
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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woundedwife
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 05:03 pm |
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Suzi,
Thanks so much for the reply. The encouragement was a real blessing to me. On top of everything, we moved at the beginning of December to a new city where we know no one, so that has not made life any easier. I do have a dear friend who has been down the porn road with her husband, just not quite to the same degree. She has given me a shoulder to cry on, not to mention godly advice and counsel. Most of all thanks for your prayers!!
WW
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 03:41 am |
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Dear woundedwife,
First of all I can empathise with your dilemmas, it is a very difficult road and not exactly the same for all but I too am separated and the last straw so to speak for me was when my boys started to see the porn themselves and one of our sons was repremanded for walking in the room and 'seeing' (or should we say catching dad). My environment for my children was being compromised and in the end due several related issues it was not a safe home for myself or my children. From reading other of my posts you will notice that we have been married for 16 years and there is always hope with God for a reconciliation but it can only happen with the answers to most of the questions below ad life changing practical fruits...not perfection but will to do whatever it takes...
- Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to show me concrete steps that he is taking to have victory over this once and for all. What things should I expect him to do before going back home? Not at all, this has obviously been going on for quite some time with lots of lies and coverup. I made a list backed with scriptural verses that I gave to my husband the first time we separated. This is good because it does give clear info...I think you should expect openness, honesty and hard work, he will want to seek out help and not want to cover anything up. An accountability partner,and as you read other posts there are lots of things he could do to put God first in His life and then his marriage....this is very short answer and am happy to elaborate further if you would like.
- I know I cannot change my husband's heart - he has to want to change and be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to change him. I know there is not a magic number attached to this, but how long am I obligated to wait to see evidence of change, if indeed he decides that is what he wants? This is indeed a difficult question and I have to say cannot be answered with a specific time frame....I am struggling with this too...I trust in God and know that there is always hope for my husband to turn to God and it is painful to see your husband walking away further and not turning to God in the depths. I pray to God for His clear guidance in my situation and decision making and whenever Im not sure about something God has made it clear and openned the right path for me. We can only trust in God and rely on His promises...not in man and God is the only strong and steadfast thing that is sure.
- Is it even possible that we will ever have a "normal" sex life? Especially since he has an apparent attraction to men (he says he doesn't want to have sex with a man, it's all about control), will I ever be able to please him sexually without him having to draw on the images that are ingrained in his mind? Not without true repentence but truly rest on that 'all things are possible with God'.
- I have 2 boys and I saw the statistic that 70% of boys whose dads are porn addicts will be as well. I have to admit that scares the living daylights out of me. What can I do (other than pray and ask God to keep their minds pure) to lessen the chances of them having the same addiction?
This is a fear for me to as I have 5 boys, I have to say the best thing for future problems or possible battles etc....communication. Most who seem to have this addiction do not communicate well and recluse and lie...I am working through a christian book with my boys on the facts of life that is frank and open and helps them to open...I have found this helpful to talk to my boys as a female its not as simple and my boys have been responding well and opening up...I am praying that they will learn Gods design for them with regards to sexual things and go to the right sources for answers to questions that will come with puberty. Building a relationship between them and God and myself and them with God I hope will give them good foundations.
- Does anyone with young children have any advice for telling kids why they have to be separated from their dad for a while. I don't want to say anything that will lower their opinion of their dad. They worship him and miss him terribly, which makes me feel guilty, while at the same time knowing that I am doing the right thing for them and for him in the long run. Firstly my children are aged 13yrs to 18months and we are battling this adjustment daily and it is a process but dependent on the age of your children and their maturity what you can tell them...I found some openness with the older boys was necessary and found that because they had seen some pornography that I had to let them know that was not appropriate or acceptable in our home. My oldest ones are13,11,and10. I would let the children asks questions and with God let that be your guide to what you discuss. My younger ones are 6 years to 18months. So as you can see there is a gap of 4 years between the 10year old and the 6 year old. I think the fact your 8 year old has seen stuff on the computer leads you to have to discuss that alone at least in someway. Children are more aware than what we realise and when I discussed these issues with the older ones it was painful to realise that although I had tried to shelter them from the issues for many years they were more aware of them than what I realised. I never went into specifics and was very broad. I made it clear it was not their fault as this is what some of them thought. I made it clear dad and mum love them. I dont demeen their dad but if the children come to me with a question about something dad did, I cant paint it all rosey as they have seen or had feelings with regard to these things, I respond truthfully with Gods love and direction. Again this is not simple but I can only rely on Gods principles, I think that as mums we will always feel guilty but if you are always concerned with GOds directives and your childrens best interests then with pray God will make it clear and give the right words. (I found the younger ones have been easier to deal with than the older ones) I will pray for you!
So many things have been going through my mind over the last couple of months and I know this is a lot to answer. Any thoughts at all will be cherished greatly!
I hope this has been encouraging somewhat and that I have given you Godly encouragement and the above although long only skims the surface of the daily issues we have to deal with as mothers and wives that face this struggle.
Suzi's quote: I recommend that you simplify your life as much as you can... Prioritize and re-prioritize because you are in a war... and you will be drained. Your daily battles are going to take every ounce of energy you can muster. Take care of yourself physically, get rest, good nutition (vitamins if you can't eat)... Those kids need you!
I recommend that you stay close to God... journal if you can... and write Scriptures for strength and guidance... Psalms and Proverbs are especially helpful.
Do you have a pastoral couple you can turn to for real life guidance? A trustworthy female friend who will be there for you? If so, please let these trustworthy people into your life to share this burden.
Get into counseling for yourself, possibly even your kids, too.
In my opinion and experience, these steps will help you get started on a path that will strengthen you, protect the family, and allow time to see if your husband is really serious about getting himself emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and physically healthy.
I would agree with Suzi's encouragement here, I have taken most of the steps and started to surround myself with hymns and scripture to keep me focused on God and to strengthen me for the daily battle. I have struggled with depression and found this helpful.
Prayers
mumof7
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woundedwife
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 05:45 am |
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Mum,
Wow! Thank you so very much for the time and prayer you put into answering my questions. I cannot begin to tell you how encouraging it is for me to know I am not in this thing alone and to be able to draw on the wisdom and advice of other wives. I think you're right about the older kids picking up on more than we would think. I was talking with my son today just a little bit and was surprised at some of the things he said - just in broad terms. My others are 2 and 3, so they're too young to know much. My 3-year-old cried most of the day yesterday wanting his dad, and that's the first thing he mentions when he wakes up in the morning. Makes me feel just horrible, let me tell you, even though it's not my fault.
If you would be willing to share some of the things on the list with verses that you gave your husband, that would be great. I have prayed and prayed, and I can have all my thoughts in perfect order until it comes to putting them down on paper or saying them out loud. For some reason, when it comes to that, I just draw a blank. I know that God is going to use His Word more than anything to get through to my husband's heart.
You've truly been a blessing and encouragement to me and you are in my prayers as well!
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 06:33 pm |
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WW,
Here are a couple of passages that helped ME this morning.....
Hope it can be an encouragement to you.
Jeremiah 3:17 Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:
Lamentations 3:21-25 ¶ This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. 25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 06:36 pm |
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Thankyou Suzie for these encouraging scriptures
Blessings
mumof7
Suzi wrote:
WW,
Here are a couple of passages that helped ME this morning.....
Hope it can be an encouragement to you.
Jeremiah 3:17 Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:
Lamentations 3:21-25 ¶ This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. 25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Suzi
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 06:48 pm |
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woundedwife wrote: Hello woundedwifeMum,
Wow! Thank you so very much for the time and prayer you put into answering my questions. I cannot begin to tell you how encouraging it is for me to know I am not in this thing alone and to be able to draw on the wisdom and advice of other wives. I think you're right about the older kids picking up on more than we would think. I was talking with my son today just a little bit and was surprised at some of the things he said - just in broad terms. My others are 2 and 3, so they're too young to know much. My 3-year-old cried most of the day yesterday wanting his dad, and that's the first thing he mentions when he wakes up in the morning. Do they get to see dad much yet? Makes me feel just horrible, let me tell you, even though it's not my fault. It does feel awful but they do adjust and you surround them with love as much as you can and give them assurance of that
If you would be willing to share some of the things on the list with verses that you gave your husband, that would be great. I have prayed and prayed, and I can have all my thoughts in perfect order until it comes to putting them down on paper or saying them out loud. For some reason, when it comes to that, I just draw a blank. I know that God is going to use His Word more than anything to get through to my husband's heart. I will get back to you with the verses etc, it took me hours to do the list so as you can imagine I would have to have it so I will come back to you with that!
You've truly been a blessing and encouragement to me and you are in my prayers as well! Praying that we can encourage eachother and others around as this is what God would want
Thankyou for your encouragement to me.
Blessings
mumof7
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woundedwife
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 06:55 pm |
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Hi Mum,
They haven't seen dad now for 2 weeks. I know that's not a long time in the overall scheme of things, but when they're used to seeing him every day, it's somewhat traumatic. The 3-year-old is taking it the hardest - he cries for daddy every day. Lord willing, they'll be able to see him this weekend.
Take your time with the list - if you even feel like going through all that again that is! Your replies have been a real blessing to me!
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woundedwife
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 06:56 pm |
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Thanks Suzi - God's Word always has an answer to meet every need!
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 07:18 pm |
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woundedwife wrote: Hi Mum,
They haven't seen dad now for 2 weeks. I know that's not a long time in the overall scheme of things, but when they're used to seeing him every day, it's somewhat traumatic. The 3-year-old is taking it the hardest - he cries for daddy every day. Lord willing, they'll be able to see him this weekend.
Take your time with the list - if you even feel like going through all that again that is! Your replies have been a real blessing to me!
Oh, poor little ones..how they suffer too. Two weeks is a long time especially for a 2 and 3 year old. It is difficult because it is early days but the sooner he sees them regularily the better but it is difficult for us but important if possible for the children. My husband would refuse to see the children (as he knew that this would tear me apart) in hope that this would make me come home but I wasnt going to do that again because it was vital for the children to have a safe home. I then was also concerned with the safety whilst they were with my husband for many reasons, I pray for that and am very watchful and prayerful about the whole situation...I also think there is safety in numbers - the blessing of 7! I also have to ask the older ones keep an eye out for the others which they do fairly naturally as a big family anyway. May God protect and keep them and give us the wisdom to know when to take steps if need be. Its taken me over 6months to get my husband to spend regular time with the children and has not been easy, I also realised the children needed (older ones in particular) to be aware it wasnt because you didnt want them to see dad etc...again assuring them and giving them some sense of security and dependability. My children thought they were seeing dad more because he wasnt around much and when he was he was reclusive. It wasnt more time but rather quality..he would actually spend time playing with them as he would pick them up to do so rather than just have them around or prioritorise them last below all else. if that makes sense.
May God have the glory for the words I post, it is His wisdom not mine! I thank GOd for opening my eyes to His ways...I pray that I may not stray from His ways.
Blessings
mumof7
Last edited on Thu Mar 1st, 2007 07:27 pm by mumof7
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mumof7
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 12:08 am |
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Hi wounded wife,
It is wonderful to read these posts and know that there have been some glorifying changes in your home and husband. WHat a blessing to you all, we never know what the future holds, we only know Gods promises and that He is steadfast, strong and pure.
I also have that list...I found it at my husbands home hidden in a drawer! I didnt forget but things have been hectic and there have also been lots of struggles for me with my husband etc etc. If you would still like the list, let me know and I will send it to you in a couple of days....got too much on till Sunday!
May God continue to hold your family in His hands
Blessings
mumof7
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woundedwife
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 03:09 am |
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Thanks! Would love to have the list when you get a chance! Things are going slowly, but so far, so good. 
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 08:42 am |
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THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH US. YOUR COURAGE AND DECISION TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT HELPED ME.
I posted my situation a bit ago "Need to Talk with women in same situation"
I just wanted to say - you go girl. I'm working on what to do to leave. Got a PO Box, checking accunt, visa coming, looking for a place to move this week.
Scared, afraid, hurt, zero self-esteem, etc.
I make good money, I'm having heart issues cause I do still (idiot) love him. I know though that I could never turst him. And just 2 weeks since he got caught last, he's got the nerve to be AGITATED when I check his phone or on line etc. - he still hadn't gotten rid of anything as of today.
I also have 2 step daughters, 15 & 16. I know I will never get to see or be around them once I do leave. One is special needs and lives with us all the time. The other is with us every Friday & Sunday pm + every other week end etc. LOTS! I lost 3 babies so when we met him in 1999, I thanked GOD that the person I fianlly trusted and fell for had such a huge heart (you could see how he loved even hispecial needs girl).
NOW, I've been attached to him and them so long, it is going to double hurt. PROBABLY no more than what's been going on though.
Read my situation if you get the chance and please offer any advice on re-learning how to trust someone ever again!!!!!
Linda M "In Need to talk with women in same situation"
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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justme
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 12:47 am |
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Hello W W,
I've been reading this thread and seen the wonderful wisdom the other women have given you. My situation is a little different than yours, but I want to add a few things about the homosexual aspect of your husband's addiction. A Christian couple who are friends of mine went through a situation where the wife thought she was a lesbian and left her husband for other women. This went on for several years, but her husband never gave up on her. He had to release her to God, but he says he spent many hours on his face before God crying out for her. Today, they are back together and she is completely free of any homosexual urges, so I know that with God all things are possible.
I don't know if you're familiar with Elijah House ministries, but they said the principles they learned there were instrumental in both of them getting free from bondages in their past.
Hope this helps.
Just Me
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woundedwife
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:45 am |
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Hi Linda,
I looked for your story, but must have been looking in the wrong place or something. If you could direct me, I'd be honored to read it and offer any advice. I am by no means an expert, but God has definitely proven Himself faithful to me and I'd love to share that with you!
Kim
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:59 am |
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Hi Kim,
You can find Linda's post here.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum7/959.html
TruthSeeker
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woundedwife
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 04:19 am |
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| Thanks! I finally found it!!
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 04:26 am |
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THANKS FOR DIRECTING HER TO THE NOTE POSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
continue to pray for me. Hard to be strong - he still thinks I have zero right to be angry about the calls, meetings, emails, text msgs, lies - can't go on. He did say he put a note on the church bulliten card - I guess we'll see. He does not see that anything we had or any trust is gone. All in need of rebuilding!
Linda M "In need to talk with women in same situation
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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In Need To Talk with women in same situa
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 04:45 am |
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wounded wife
please keep us/me i your prayers!
He's still calling 2 women and nerve 97 and 17 minutes to one the same day 4.23!
His email is now hidden in yahoo and msn accounts and I have been unable to get into them. He also got a we still meeting email and another female with another on line friend on the 23rd as well.
Awaiting our verizion detail bill to again confront him concerning his inappropriate phone calls, texting, im-ing etc. . again. This will be the final warning.
Please pray for me to be strong and follow thru if I need to. I do still love him. I am kinda pre-composing a note at work - cause I really do not enjoy being alone nor really relish the thought of leaving the girls (reminder neither of my body BUT both certainly of my heart!!!!!
Please pray! #1 that he hasn't been doing what it appears on his phone that he's doing!!! #2 that I have the strength to do what I must do if not stopped.
Linda M In need to talk to women in same situation
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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