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mad and sad
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 09:46 pm |
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I read an entry here that said yes to do your wifely duty and then another that seemed to say to abstain? Does anyone know for sure?
I just caught my husband trying to have sex outside the marriage and was thinking that I shouldn't have sex with him until he proves he's really goin to get help but then I thought that I shouldn't use sex to manipulate him. I also don't think I should if I don't know if he has had sex w/other partners or might try again?
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 11:26 pm |
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From the standpoint of your health, if your husband is currently unfaithful, my own personal opinion (and take it for that) is that you have a responsibility to protect yourself from STDs.
After my husband's last bust, when he admitted to unprotected sex with a promiscuous woman, we did not have full intercourse until after the six month time frame for the HIV test. We had not been sexually active for quite awhile since he told ME that he was impotent, suffering from ED and unable to have sex. Hmmm... well, he WAS having sex... just not with me.
However, to assist our healing during this time (maritally) we began very slowly to establish physical intimacy... starting out simply with non-sexual massages as a means to begin to reestablish simple intimacy. Since he suffers from sexual anorexia, this was almost a relief to him. There was no pressure for marital sex. It gave us both a chance to regroup. Over the six month time frame, as he showed signs of healing and as I was able to begin to open myself up to him, our intimacy became more sexual. But we still abstained from full intercourse until he came up with a clean HIV (and other) test.
It's bad enough when a spouse deceitfully endangers a faithful spouse's life. I don't feel like a faithful spouse is Biblically required to risk his/her own life for the sexual pleasure of his/her unfaithful mate. If you do choose to have sex, insist on protected sex until the test results are back.
I believe a truly remorseful unfaithful spouse will honor and respect this particular viewpoint.
However, once the "coast is clear" so to speak, I think we need to go back to I Cor 7 and fulfill the normal sexual balance in marriage... mutual loving submission.
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 05:50 am |
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I would echo Suzi's wisdom. Each couple's circumstances vary somewhat, so resumption of intimacy will also. Beyond the physical issues of STD testing, there are the communication and emotional aspects to consider. I would suggest that there is a subtle, but important, difference between manipulation and boundaries. Likewise, there can be a fine line between being supportive and enabling. Participation out of fear of "contributing" to his acting out is unwise, and could even increase the stress in the marriage. Any claim by the husband that non-participation has been or will be responsible for him falling is bogus. Sexual purity is sexual purity, whether or not he is married. If, God forbid, you dropped dead tomorrow, that does not give him a license to look at or act out with porn or people, just because he'd been married all that time and was used to it. Yes, it is ideal to have both partners fully and joyfully participating in the union of body, mind, and spirit that God intended, but one partner not doing so to the other's satisfaction can NEVER justify impurity.
I pray that you will be able to reach a mutually satisfactory solution to this quandry.
TruthSeeker
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mad and sad
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 07:32 am |
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Hi truthseeker,
from the short time I've been here I've realized that you must have been through alot. What I am wondering is about aresponse you made to me-what is the difference between manipulation and boundries? and being supportive and enabling?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 02:32 pm |
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Hi Mad And Sad,
I do not mean to present myself as having been through a lot, as, though we should and can never compare our pain, I have been through almost nothing compared to what I have read here, and gleaned through supporting friends. Should your day be short of things to do, *smile*, the bulk of my story is probably about my next to oldest post, my first one in the Wives forum.
As I said, there are fine lines between these things, but I will try to offer a couple of examples.
Boundary: "I do not feel safe having intercourse until you have been tested for STD's, and, should the first tests be negative, would not be ready to have unprotected sex until a second set comes back clean after 6 months."
Manipulation: "I'm not going to have sex with you until you tell your parents what a jerk you've been."
Ok, there probably is a lot of distance between those, but the idea is that one is literally protecting yourself, and the other seeks to punish, humiliate, belittle, etc.
Supportive: "Honey, I recognize how hard you are trying to overcome this addiction, and yes, even though you confessed to me that you engaged in P and M, I am here for you. I love you."
Enabling: You don't see any signs of change, but keep making yourself available in hopes that his enlightenment is just around the corner, and in fear that it might escalate if you don't.
To try to sum it up, support is proceeding, mutually, with caution and vigilance, enabling proceeds with one's head in the sand. Support seeks to provide a consistent foundation during overt, though perhaps imperfect, recovery efforts, whereas enabling acts as if everything is normal, even if there is no concrete behavior to that effect.
Just my opinions. Hope it helps some. Keep in mind that the physical boundaries will need to differ significantly when physical adultery is suspected or confessed. Porn and masturbation may kill us emotionally, but cannot do so physically.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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mumof7
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 07:08 am |
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 Very well said Truth seeker,
I struggled with this a long time and I think for some time by not setting boundaries properly then I was enabling, I found what you had to say not only very helpful but encouraging.
Thankyou
mumof7
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goldnugget
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 04:18 pm |
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| i personally found that having sex with my partner after i discovered his addiction to prostitutes left me feeling repulsed, particularly after i found out he had given me two sexually transmitted diseases. i tried on numerous occassions but the images that kept coming into my head disgusted me. i eventually left him when i was 4 months pregnant. he is receiving counselling and tells me he loves me and that he will never do it again but i simply cannot trust him ever again. not only did he lie and betray me, he also put my health at risk for numerous cheap thrills with prostitutes, many of whom he brought into our marital bed. i now find sex in general to be something that repulses me and don't imagine i will ever let someone touch me again.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 07:55 pm |
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To Goldnugget,
If I understand your posts correctly, it's no wonder you are repulsed by sex. You are going through quite a shock process and worried about the health of your unborn child. These are huge, horrible stressors that will definitely affect your libido and your attitude about sex for quite awhile.
Right now, your top priority is taking care of you and that precious baby. It sounds (from other posts) like your husband has been acting out this way for a very long time, even a long time before you were married. Even if he is totally remorseful and is submitting to counsel and accountability, the changes that need to take place for him to become trustworthy again are not going to happen overnight.
Even if you don't want to think about this now, maybe it will give you some encouragement to know that it's highly likely, as you heal and seek counsel on how to deal with everything you are facing, there will hopefully come a day in your future where you will not feel the same way about sex as you do now.
Meanwhile, our prayers are with you as you heal and carry this precious child.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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