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ivansmommy2007
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| Joined: | Sat Feb 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 05:20 am |
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| I'm new here. My husband is a sex addict, and I don't know what to do. I need someone to talk to. Before we got married, he cheated on me 3 times. He's had sex with many different girls, and not once did he ever use protection. Now it seems like our relationship is just based on sex. He's always looking at porno, and he masturbates more that 3 times a day. He always wants sex, and when i don't want it, he gets offended and mad. I'm so scared that he's gonna cheat on me and go back to his old ways before we got married. When I was little, my dad sexaully abused me, and now my husband is starting to remind me of my dad. I feel like I have to give in, even when I don't want it. I feel like if I don't give in, then he'll go out and cheat on me. I feel so pressured, and it's interfering with our relationship. I don't even think he realizes how much it bugs me. I need someone to talk to. What should I do?
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 11th, 2007 07:45 am |
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Hello. I'm glad that you found this site, but sorry that you needed to. I hope that your husband has been tested for STD's. Until he recognizes that the porn is its own form of unfaithfulness, and that it only fans the flames of his appetite, I can't offer much hope, especially if you have shared what you wrote here with him and he has no compassion for your feelings. If, however, he is willing to get help, learn how to refocus some of that energy, and learn what a healthy intimate relationship is like, hope is yet alive. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but very worthwhile. I suggest, if you have not done so, reading as many of the articles and newsletters on this site as possible. They will equip you with insight about the nature of the addiction.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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growingfaith
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| Joined: | Thu Feb 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Michigan USA |
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 03:08 pm |
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It seems like he's pretty indifferent to how you feel. I can relate to that because I acted externally in the same way. Part of his problem is his lack of accountability - you and he are probably the only people who know about this problem right? Or very few others? When I was caught being unfaithful and I admitted I had a problem, within a day my parents, in-laws, grandmother, etc., were told about it. I couldn't run and hide anymore. I had to go and tell my priest about the problem. If you husband gets to live in his home and the problem isn't revealed to those who love him he will not even begin to see the harm he is causing.
At that point he'd have a choice to make, I can either completely start a new way of life, or completely give in to porn addiction and a life of meaningless affairs - but either way everyone will know what I've chosen. It's amazing how much more responsible we begin to act when our actions are in the light. It will be a struggle at first, as it was for me. I was quiet, aloof and mopey. I felt sorry for myself, but through time I realized that was a very poor way to react and didn't get what I really wanted - love and acceptance. At first I hated that everyone knew, but now I don't mind it so much. In fact, it's one of the things that keeps me in line - the fact that I have so many people who know and still love me.
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Barb
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Posted: Mon Feb 12th, 2007 05:44 pm |
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Dear ivansmommy2007
I would encourge you to seek help in your area. It sounds like you are being revictimized all over again by your husband. Your husband has some issues to deal with-his addiction to begin with. Arm yourself with knowledge and the word of God.
Establish very strong boundaries with this man. If you need help doing this talk with your Pastor or a good sexual addiction counselor. Praying for your strength.
Barb
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mumof7
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| Joined: | Thu Feb 8th, 2007 |
| Location: | Perth, Australia |
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 03:58 am |
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I can relate to pretty much all of your post and cant encourage you enough to get help asap...what I mean is that you must protect your self from STD's, you must know what he has been doing especially for your safety. You should insist as a part of trust that he has STD testing. Have you discussed all your concerns with him re this including how it makes you feel. The fact that he is feeding his desires and continuing in these ways is going to put immense pressure on your relationship....he cannot love you as he should whilst he giving himself to this addiction. The fear you have of him sleeping around is sad and should not be the basis of a healthy marriage, this definately would remind you of your dad as its abuse none the less and sexual too. You also would crave for someone to love you as they should and both your dad and now your husband have and are letting you down. These do make huge impacts on your coping, stress, and how you deal with the situation.
The honesty is hard to do here when it comes to the bedroom stuff but it is often very much affected in these ways, this is not how it should be either. You should not feel forced out of fear of him going elsewhere or fear of his anger etc. You need to seek out help, you need support on all levels to help you to see past hurts of your childhood abuse as this affects how you think and the decisions you make. The fact is he has gone somewhere before when you were committed to eachother so it is obviously not your fault at all...it is his addiction and yoiu shouldnt take on his blame as it will be harder for your to cope through each day. It is definately not your fault but you must take steps for yourself and your child.
I hope this has been encouraging somehow.
Please feel free to email if you wish and I will be praying for you..right now.
mumof7
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