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sns322
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 05:16 am |
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During my boyfriend and I's 4 year relationship there have been many instances of his desire toward pornagrafic websites and such. After his confession to me that he wanted to change and become a better Chritian I dedicated my life to helping him, setting up filters on his computer, checking and asking if he was being tempted, and complimenting him on the progress he has made.
Recently, I discovered my help was not working and he had been lying to me to cover up his heavy addiction. He admitted to daily looking at pornography, asking our friends for sexual pictures of themselves and other sinful acts. Although he has all this time strongly assured me that he has neveronce cheated on me.
I'm heart broken. Moreso that he lied to me when I was there willing to work with him through this problem. Therefore we have broken up (only four days ago)
He has since begun to make progress on his own in an attempt to fix our relationship, he has set up a meeting with his pastor, apologized to one of the friends he has asked for pictures from, read online articles and admitted his sin to his parents.
We have still been talking yet not seeing each other and I am so scared for the future.
We had discussed marriage serisouly and were hoping to start our lives together...now what? =[ How will I know when he is better? How will I regain my trust in him? Should I just move on even though I can not picture myself with anyone else? I pray everynight for answers but I still have so much hurt I just need advice from someone who knows this feeling of pain.
Thank you for you time
Please keep me in your prayers.
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lostonlove
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 06:14 am |
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Hi,
I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. I would like to offer you what little I can in terms of advice:
I would say that you ought to leave him, permanently. Sexual addiction is a long and very difficult road. He has to be able to admit that he is addicted and seek some serious help (counselling, support group, accountabilty partners). If he is not taking these steps on his own, he is not very interested in stopping his behaviour. I have been married for nearly 3 years to a man that I knew "dabbled" in porn before we married. At the time, I had no idea that "dabbling" was actually a serious addiction. As far as I know, he has never contacted people to solicit any sort of real-time interaction or request for photos. But, I now know that he has been lying on and off for 3 years about his addiction. He is now seeking serious help, and it is still extremely difficult. We are separated for now and potentially permanently. My husband has always admitted to wanting to change and taken steps on his own, and he still has not beaten it. This has been the most painful and difficult struggle I have ever encountered. If I were to go back, I never would have married a man who I knew thought so little of women that he was willing to objectify them. Porn is degrading and humiliating to women. I am a woman. What does that say for my relationship? No person should be an object. From the research I have done, my experience is typical. Lying is the norm. And this is hard to come to terms with, but you have been cheated on. Your bf is receiving sexual satisfaction from other women. They may just be photos or movies, but they are other women. You deserve more than that.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 04:38 pm |
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LostOnLove has many good points. Only you can decide whether or not you wish to pursue this relationship, as there is much to overcome. It is not out of the question that he could continue/relapse with this for the rest of his life. It does, on the other hand, sound like he has taken more serious steps toward getting help and accountability than before. Admitting this to one's parents is an act of tremendous vulnerability.
Your own healing and trust are likely to take a lot of time, especially in light of his despicably duplicitous behavior. Was there any sincerity when he asked you to help him? Only the Lord knows. If there was, then you see just how incidious this addiction can be.
For trust to even begin to be restored, he must confess every way in which he has circumvented the safeguards, and if those cannot be plugged, he may need to give up his computer, or have the computer set up so that he can only be logged on by some who will supervise him. These, however, are only short term bandaids. He must get the counselling needed to get to the root of the addiction. If the roots aren't killed, pruning branches is pointless. If all acting out is gone, but the mind is still wallowing in corruption, the battle is not won. He must learn how to relate to people, grow deep, brotherly friendships, and understand what true intimacy with a wife should look like.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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sns322
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 08:23 pm |
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I believe that now he is taking steps on his own and recconnecting with the Lord that he is sincere in his disire to change. I know it will be a long and hard road to overcome this but I am not willing to give up, even if that is the wrong thing.
He has been telling me how his addiction is so embarrising and disgusting to him and how much he is begginning to realize the sin he has placed on God and the pain he has caused me.
I want to believe him, I'm praying everyday but am I just being decieved again?
Is there always a root to the problem? Or could it be possible that society and his friends are the models teaching him that this was ok?
Last edited on Wed Feb 7th, 2007 08:27 pm by sns322
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 08:24 pm |
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My first response was to tell you to run fast and far away from him. But I am speaking from the vantage point of dealing with this problem (and more - infidelity) for the last 10 years of a 36 year marriage. It is really hard work, and the only thing that really KEEPS me in the marriage is our history together.
My husband shows signs of improving, but he has lied and covered his tracks so well over the last 10 years that there is not an area of our lives that is not tainted in some way with a prior dishonesty.
The advice given by truthseeker is probably more balanced than mine. And staying close to God will help you more than any human wisdom. I know if I were advising ME I would have told ME to leave the spouse. But here I am, seeking to rebuild... again.... I definitely feel I am here in obedience to God's will for ME! I don't trust my husband and don't know if I ever will or can, but I DO know that I trust GOD!
This is a really difficult addiction to break. If I break my diet it isn't long before everbody knows it... but an addicton of the mind... it's very different.
So sorry you are facing this.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:38 am |
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Hi sns322,
I suppose the initial introduction to porn might have been societal, but addiction, evidenced by his double life, asking for help but lying and covering up, as far as I have read, no matter what the addiction, is a means of escape, from the past and/or present, from establishing and maintaining deep, vulnerable, healthy relationships. As some of the guys have been discussing, what legitimate needs has he been attempting to satisfy with the fraud of porn?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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sns322
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:42 am |
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thanks for he advice.
In response to what needs he is attempting to satisfy I have no idea =/ would a pastor or counslor be able to uncover this?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 07:49 am |
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Yes, a knowledgeable pastor/counsellor would. He may already know, or be able to get insight through prayer and meditation. Mike's book The Road To Grace probably addresses it, as well as articles here, pureintimacy.org, and other books such as christianbook.com would carry. Also check the resources forum.
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 01:55 pm |
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I'm a male addict; I hope my own perspective seems useful and appropriate here.
I agree with the concern others have shown. It's important to realize that sex addiction is just as real as any other addiction, and in some ways much more painful to the partner being betrayed. I know lots of people who are multiply addicted - sex and alcohol, sex and cocaine, whatever. I don't think I know anyone who felt that SA was easier to overcome than drug and alcohol addictions.
So ask yourself - would I marry him if the addiction were to heroin? Also ask if he is doing everything you would ask him to do to recover if he were a heroin addict? For instance, is he seeing a counselor, is he being honest with you always, is he opening up his life to be transparent in all his activities, is he going to 12-step meetings, has he found a sponsor, is he working the steps, is he in frequent contact with other recovering addicts, etc?
If the answers are "No," then it's hard to advise staying together. I didn't do those things, and we got married, and it took me 30 years to start doing those things and to begin to emerge from a deeper and deeper hole we dug all during those 30 years.
If the answers are all, "Yes," then I would still be cautious. See where he is in a year or two. In order to recover from this addiction, we need way more than promises and tears - I've been there and done that and gotten nowhere. We need hard work, honesty with other people, and skilled help at facing things inside ourselves we are often so frightened of we don't even know they exist. We need to become new people. The change into a new person isn't subtle - there is an openness and a serenity and an honesty and a peace that is obvious. I think that if he's really recovering, really facing himself, really becoming able to be emotionally intimate, really surrendering to God and to other people, then you'll know.
Wait until that's clear and has been clear for months or years, though, before you make a final decision. And know that addiction recovery is a lifetime task. One of my friends, a man whose recocery I admire enormously, recently slipped after 17 years of sobriety. He got back on the wagon, and he's doing well, but be clear that addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful (as "Alcoholics Anonymous" says), and know that 17 years of sobriety and working as a counselor and helping other addicts doesn't protect us from acting out tomorrow.
Addiction recovery has brought me blessings I never imagined were possible, and has made me today a better person than I would ever have become without having had to bear this cross. My wife and I are building an open and trusting relationship we could not have had without living in hell for 30 years. That's hard work, too, and it will take years. If your bf really embraces recovery wholeheartedly as the central task in his life and is willing to do anything to recover, then there may well be hope for a joyous future for both of you. But the road is not easy, and the risks are enormous. We addicts lie to ourselves and to the people around us, and we hide things very, very well. And we get worse as time goes on.
For the good of both of you, please be very, very cautious, acting only after sustained evidence that he is totally transforming his life.
Also be aware that real recovery is possible, and that you and he need not and must not settle for half measures. It may not sound like it, but this really is a message of hope.
Just my take after 30 years in hell and less than 2 years in recovery.
Tim M.
Last edited on Thu Feb 8th, 2007 05:06 pm by
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 07:34 pm |
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I am new to this site but not new to this struggle in our lives as a family, I have been married almost 16years and my husband has struggled with sexual addiction since his youth. Whilst there is always hope with God and there are men who with GOd have victory over this, I think most will acknowledge that it is an addiction and that it will always be a temptation for him which when husband and wife (and if the husband is repentant and works hard with prayer and Gods grace)with Christ work together. It is a wonderful thing to have a man who comes to this point but unfortunately they dont all, my husband has not and no amount of me trying to help has helped...he has always been found out and never followed through with any promises when found out. I have 7 children and we are separated, the damage it has caused in my home is awful and I pray that God helps me to be a Godly mother and wife. You are not committed to this man with marriage vows and you have the 'hindsight' so to speak...time will tell, if he continues with these steps and truly does for quite a length of time then maybe but I have heard of some that have taken that choice and continued to struggle with it in their homes. It is hard when you love someone so much, you want to help them, you want to be with them but pray and ask Gods specific guidance. I would be more inclined to not continue in the relationship but I know how hard and long and damaging the struggle can be not just for myself but my children and my husband. I will pray for you and hope that I have not discouraged you as God is the best answer for this but is sometimes is hard to see through all the pain, hurt and love...prayer for victory for your ex boyfriend and a clear path that He wants you to take.
Blessings
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sns322
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 10:18 pm |
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thanks TimM for the insight, and everyone else for the advice.
Believe me I have been tricked by him before into thinking that he had changed when he truly had not so I am being cautious and taking my time and ensure that he is tackling his addiction 100% before starting things over again.
Everyone sounds as though there is no hope with this addiction, that he is going to mess up even if he works at this addiction. Hasn't the bible emphasized , "For Nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37 ?
I'm praying for everyone who has been though this, who has been so hurt that they have given up, don't give up nothing is impossible with God.
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 11:30 pm |
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sns322 wrote:Everyone sounds as though there is no hope with this addiction, that he is going to mess up even if he works at this addiction. Hasn't the bible emphasized , "For Nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37 ? There is absolutely hope, and hope in abundance. I've seen lives transformed and people living in new joy. My own life and my relations with my family and my God are unimaginably better than they were 2 years ago. One of the things that made it possible for me to start recovery was the belief that there was hope, which I never really thought existed for people like me. Seeing people living in joy and interacting patiently and fearlessly with others after years of sobriety was a gigantic inspiration to me. By all means, there is hope.
But,
Recovery takes work and honesty and courage and persistance. It takes humility and openness before God, and also humility and honesty before other people and before oneself. It takes learning a new way to live and a new way to be.
I've not only seen people whose lives have been transformed. I've also seen people who came to meetings for a while and then faded away to suffer more. I've seen people who had attended 12-step meetings for years and were still not sober longer than a few days at a time. I've seen people who were cleverly lying to their wives and counselors and sponsors while continuing to frequent prostitutes. I've seen people whose recovery I thought was strong suddenly imprisoned for propositioning federal agents posing as 14 year olds over the Internet. I've seen people sober for a few months who wandered off again because they still couldn't quite bring themselves to say goodbye to the experience forever. I've seen people who had bumps on the road to recovery and who acted out again after months or years of sobriety. I've seen just how hard it is for addicts to open up and to learn to feel and for spouses to learn to trust and to feel secure even in cases where the recovery is strong. I've seen wives' trust betrayed again and again and again. I've done some of these things myself.
For me, that's why I'm being cautious. There is enormous hope. If your bf is willing to do whatever it takes, if he has really hit bottom, then he will get better. But I've seen too many addicts settle for not doing enough, and too many spouses misled by their addicts, not to urge you to take great care. Be sure you are both working with other people - counselors, 12-step groups, pastors, but people in all those settings who really understand SA. Then the real hope can become real results.
Tim M.
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 04:07 am |
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hoping that you are finding hope, healing and help for you both.
blessings
mumof7
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sns322
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Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 08:23 pm |
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Thanks for all the advice, just an update...
clearing thehealing process is a long and hard battle and we are not back together, nor do we see each other regularly. We still talk and he has made steps in he right directions...
I have found my new alone time has gotten me closer to the Lord and I have devoted my time that I would be spending with him to reading th Bible or prayer.
The one thing that;s the hardest is my lack of support. As a college student at a public university it is hard to find friend who are truyl Christian. Most of my friends say they are a Christian but act out in a completly different way, and most of the people I've tried to confid in do not understand pornography as a problem because "it's normal"
Ay suggestions? I'm bouncing around looking for a church in the area that I can become more involved with but I don't open up easily and the one person who shared all my beliefs and morals betrayed me with his sin =/
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Mar 4th, 2007 05:46 am |
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Dear SNS,
It sounds like you personally are making headway....
I will be praying for you that God will send a "Barbabus" (encourager) to you.
Meanwhile, continue to seek God ... In times like these, sometimes HE is our all-sufficiency. God can use these periods of isolation to bring us to deeper levels of maturity and understanding than we could ever reach with people "helping" us...
But don't give up on praying and watching for a kindred spirit to be there for you. God knows your needs. He will provide. Sometimes we just have to wait longer than we want to.. 
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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