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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 07:41 pm |
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New to the website. My husband was caught doing porn and masturbating end of 05. He is a recovering drug/alcohol addict. Many lies to cover the shame. When we went to a marriage counseling couple who specialized in addiction, my husband said, yes, after many questions and thought, he is a sex addict also.
Now, a year later, he says that he is not an addict, the counselor changed his mind (no-one told me) because he was able to give it up easily (after lies and hiding for three months).
My question, he also went on blood pressure meds at the same time and they totally suppressed his sex drive (rarely initiates, but will participate). So, how does he know if he is an addict or not if his drive is suppressed?
Anyone know about this role? I cannot find the answer on the web, though it doesn't really change my world much - day to day.
Thanks
Linda
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Suzi
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 08:46 pm |
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Linda,
I am simply a wife like you so I don't have any "official" answers to your question, but my thought is this: Is he living a sexually sober life? Is he seeking purity in his thoughts and actions? Is he honoring you as his wife? Is he willing to be accountable to others?
Whether he is officially an "addict" or not, at least IMHO, isn't quite as important as whether he is able to carry on life in a non-addicted way.
If the answers to the above questions are all positive, then it appears there is hope that he is on the right path. Just pray and watch that you will see signs if it appears he begins to slip again.
From one wife to another.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 10:42 pm |
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Suzi,
Hmmmm,
As you point that out, I realize that there are some changes going on that I have questioned. The man he is accountable to said that my husband changing his filter so that my husband has the password to is a "slippery slope" and that they would need to talk about that. Also, I worry about when he gets off the meds what will our life be like if he denies that there is a problem.
So, until he "gets back into everything - acting out," there is no problem? Hmmm. Seems the crazy thinking is still going on, but he is dealing with it in a different framework - the one that says his wife is the crazy one and he is just trying to accept me and "push me into recovery". I too believe I have issues that God is totally addressing - healing. One is, how do I deal with Red Flags.
Hmmm,
Linda
ps what is IMHO?
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john316
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 10:54 pm |
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IMHO = in my humble opinion
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john316
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 10:58 pm |
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Can I just say that when my husband was on bp medication, it didn't supress his supress his drive, it just prevented him from getting an erection. Maybe they were different meds but that sounds odd to me.
A counselor should not be changing anyone's mind, I would have thought, although the tag of "sex addict" perhaps could be throw around a little too much these days. At the core, it is a spiritual problem, just like the drugs and alcohol. Strictly m.o. of course.
mo=my opinion
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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 11:26 pm |
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My husband says it has totally squelched his sex drive as well as difficulty with erection. I will look it up in the PDR. I agree, counselor asked him questions a year ago so that DH could decide if he was. Now I am told that a few months ago they revisited it and changed their minds. He is away at business trip where he struggled a couple of years ago.
I think I need to let go and trust God will show him what he needs to know, identify himself as, and let DH and God go from there.
I just know what I won't live with - lies about his sinful behavior, slips or no repentance (turning away from the sin). Also I have to live with the unknown of the meds squelching the drive and hiding the addiction.
Thanks
Linda
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splendor
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 11:31 pm |
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I agree that it is a spiritual problem, but I also believe that God gave man tools to use, such as Professionals- Doctors. We have all been deceived and have lost trust, not because of anything we did, but because we married flawed men. Now we are in Spiritual Warfare against Satan who loves nothing better than to destroy the family unit.
I told my counselor that before I married my husband I had prayed for a good, loving husband and for 20 years had believed that God answered my prayer by sending me my husband. I must say that I started to think that all those years I was just a fool and God never sent me him. My counselor said "I think God did send him to you, he IS a Good man and very Loving; God never promised you a PERFECT man". I realize the truth in that, nobody is perfect.
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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 11:41 pm |
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As I consider the comments, and side effects of the meds (impotence, not lack of sex drive) I remember someone informing me along the way about sexual anorexia and acting in. He does go from no sex to alot when he feels safe. Like the flood gates open up and it is way more. It has to be initiated by me, he is too vulnerable? I don't know, it all comes back to his recovery.
I will pray for God to reveal what is going on to my husband. I will watch the behavior.
Thanks
Linda
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splendor
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 11:50 pm |
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| If you are like me, there have been times since this came out where I'm angry and not at all feeling like making love to my husband. Since SA's have intimacy issues-fear of regection, do you think this may be why you need to initiate?
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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 12:10 am |
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I'm sorry, I don't quite get what you are saying. He is the one that doesn't make advances, but then if I do, the flood gates open. So, how does it work?
thanks
Linda
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splendor
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 12:20 am |
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Linda, You have to initiate,right? I was just saying that since disclosure I sometimes turned away my husband's advances because I was angry. Him being SA and having intimacy (being vulnerable) problems he became afraid to take the initiative for awhile. We talked and he told me he has a great fear of rejection, like most SA's. It has been much better now.
p.s. General has a thread that is along this line of thought.
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wifeofaddict
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 01:35 am |
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I get it, yes,
His fear of intimacy and rejection keeps him distanced from advancing to me because he doesn/t want to get hurt. He is waiting for me to advance and say he is safe to come close.
Gotcha, yes,
Thanks
linda
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