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Relying on Faith
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 24th, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 09:51 am |
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Hi Rosiemj...
To be honest with you...everything you wrote IS my biggest fear! Yes...I hear the words out of his mouth but because of all the sneaking around - not being completely honest with me - hiding things...I find it hard to believe him.
I brought up the same thing as you did re the CD. I told him that he made a decision not to delete the photos - but made the decision to get a new CD...put it in the computer...and copy the pictures onto them...then put her initials on the CD. These actions were deliberate and required a thought process.
He now checks in with me to let me know how he is doing. He tells me that he is hasn't been on any porn websites but for me...that's not enough; it's too specific...as there is more than just websites that offer porn...
Taking, for instance, e-mails that his friends send to him. Out of curiousity - I looked at his e-mail account yesterday and I found the most disgusting thing I have EVER seen. It was an e-mail from one of his friends with a windows media attachment. I honestly couldn't believe what I was seeing!!! It sickens me to think that he looked at this...and my one of my biggest fears is that this video "did something" for him. I pray that he stopped watching it as soon as he opened the attachment. I am telling you - for people to be forwarding this video (or really...any type of porn)...there are some really sick people out there and the devil is surely at work (especially when the people sending the e-mail hide what's really attached by name it something considered to be "normal").
So...moving forward...he has kept ALL the porn that his friends have sent him in his in-box! Yes - I concede that he keeps a lot of other G-rated e-mails...but again here is the thought process...here is the decision to keep the porn in his in-box and not delete it. I do know he deletes some (G-rated) e-mails...so I am wondering why delete these and not the porn? Oh yes...I remember...it's the addiction (sadly).
I have thought about putting blockers on our computer but do blockers block e-mails with pictures in the body of e-mail...or block the ability of opening a windows media video? Not only this - he has a work laptop (he works from home) and I certainly cannot put any blocks on that computer.
Oh...I am not in complete denial. Your message contained things that I've thought (except for leaving...because leaving is NOT an option...I completely believe in my heart that God lead us to each other...and I love him and will stand by him and have faith in God that He will heal my husband...as well as myself). We've told each other that our marriage is forever (and I told him that I hope "forever" will be happy).
I am in denial in other ways...you are right. The devil is trying to work on me by putting thoughts like "you are over-reacting", "his friends watch porn and think nothing of it", "his friends wives know their husbands watch porn and think nothing of it" (from what I understand anyway). But...then I remember the porn, as well as the "type" of porn he was seeking and watching - and the "intimacy" (gently said) that has been taken away from our marriage because of P&M.
I haven't seen website porn on our computer (don't know about work laptop)...but like I said - there are other forms of porn other than websites. I also really don't think he spends the time and energy to seek out and watch porn like he used to (Yes...I know that I am "justifying" - I have to be honest) - but that doesn't matter...it has to be NO porn (as I have learned from this site).
Again...I pray he becomes trustworthy and honest and sincere - but because of the hiding and deceipt and lack of honesty...it will take a while for me to fully trust him again (I am relying on faith though) - and I will not fully trust him as long as he keeps those porn e-mails in his in-box and I will not trust him because he doesn't tell me about these porn e-mails. No...he still isn't being honest with me. I have to question myself...if he isn't honest with this - what else isn't he being honest about?
I will stand by my husband...this is not even a question. I am praying that God will lead the way. I am praying for a happy life with my husband. I am praying for honesty and sincerity. I am praying healing (for both of us).
Thank you for being honest with me, Rosiemj.
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splendor
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 12:25 pm |
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Relying, I don't see what your doing now as being an enabler or in denial. You confronted your husband with the evidence of CD's-that is not denial. Just keep working on him, getting him to talk about emotional things from the past and present.
Remember that praying is good, but God gives freewill to men and praying for your husband is good, God will work on him, but ultimately it is your husband's choice.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 12:34 pm |
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Hi Relying on Faith, I understand praying as I have been raised religious and I believe in God.
But that will not stop his sex addiction alone. He will keep doing this if he does not get help and even then it will be an issue for him and you.
You are justifying. minimizing and are in denial. This is where the term co-addiction comes into play. We end up developing a thinking pattern like theirs in a way. It is hard to totally face this and the fear of confrontation and of this addiction is huge!
You are dealing with the devil himself (the addiction not the addict, although the addict is the devil's advocate). And the addict will protect this no matter what you say or do.
Also he can earase the history of the sites he uses. As they say if you see one rat there are a lot more......
If he is doing ANY kind of viewing of porn then he is practicing his addiction. It is like a drug addict who still uses. They cannot use anything! It keeps them in their addiction and the behaviors that go with it.
If your husband is serious about this then he would be giving up the computer totally right now and finding help. You cannot do half measures here in this. It will NOT work.
I felt like forever with my ex fiance (we were the same as marriage) of 7 years also. But the deceit got so bad and the trust issues and the lonliness of his masturbating and the stress and sickness for me got so high I became an angry person who felt lost.
No matter how much I used my faith and determination to overcome myself in all of this I finally could not take it anymore. One dissappointment after another broke me down and in the process the addiction got stronger because he kept it going no matter what he said. And it won!
And as far as porn. It is not just porn on websites that gets addicts. They also look at other women who are out in the world and fantasize. My fiance would tell me he liked to look at women with clothes on because it was exciting to fantasize about them without clothes. Yes the porn was a huge thing for him but it does not stop for addicts when they get off the computer.
It is like the alcoholic who does not just drink in the bar. They sneak it at work, anywhere and everywhere they can. Don't minimize this dear soul!
And also when you say "the devil" is putting thoughts like you are over reacting and all. Yes the devil can be seen at work here. But YOUR HUSBAND is also at work on your mind with the lies and minimizing to put those doubts there. You have to look at him and make HIM take the responsibility for this. He is a big boy knowing the difference but chosing to use this stuff and YOU.
Like I said I totally understand faith but if you can put that aside for a minute and look at this with clear eyes you will be able to be stronger and face all this for what it really is and seek help and make demands for your own sake.
Your husband broke the deal with your marriage. To love, HONOR and obey until death do you part. You are not feeling loved, honored and he is not obey the sacred sanction of marriage by using this and hurting you even after he fully knows he is hurting you.
I had to step out of the relationship and look at him. It was hard because "forever" was my feelings also. I fought the good fight and it was so devastating that I would rather of died most days.
If you are going to let your faith take care of this and let go and let God then you have to learn to control your impulses to look at his email and keep checking on him. And stop asking him to check in. He will not be honest.
You are just setting yourself up to more pain and obsessive thinking and behavior that is not fair to you.
I have a laptop that my ex used for the last year. I feel like I would like to find someone to go into the history and see what he viewed as he sat in his chair since 2003 and did nothing but his sex addiction and isolate.
I fight this not to find that out and look for answers. The stress gets high and then I would look for something and ask him what the hec was going on and I would try to think of ways to "catch him" because of the lies.
When he worked I would want to go into offices where he fixed copying machines and see who he was looking at and sexualizing. I would look at women and teenagers everywhere and try to figure out his thoughts and feelings. I got wrapped up so big with this and hypervigilant that I stopped having my own life.
This addiction takes up 24/7 of everything in life. And it get worse!
When you talk about that you have to be the one to drag things out of him and then tell him you want him to check in with you to tell you if he is using! He is not going to tell you. He is too sick right now to do so. And because you have to drag things out of him shows that he has proved he will not tell you.
You expect normal and this is not normal. You can not apply normal actions and beliefs to this and try to use them. You will only be frustrated and confused that lead to hurt and anger.
This thing is taking you hostage. Right now you can't save him even if you think you can. So you need to save you. He will just do things that is like rearranging deck chairs on a sinking ship and make you feel that things are okay. And even after you are under water you will still try but you will be drowning and not even know it.
The denial and all the pain, anger and hurt etc. are the symptoms of co-addiction and just like the addict we do not want to admit our co-addiction that comes into play with this.
It is so hard. Right now as much as I am knowing all that I know I have emailed my ex and found his cell phone number to ask him to at least tell me truths. It does not end for us even after it is over.
How long have you been married and together?
God bless you and I pray you will get stronger in this and really understand what you are in. I look back and think God Forbid! In the midst I did not want to lose him so I tried to do things that did not work and I got sicker by the day.
It is painful as all get out to deal with this in anyway shape or form and I feel it is because of the lies and lonliness and our belief of forever. God speed and let me know how you are. Rosie
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 11:19 pm |
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I feel like I know pretty well what you have gone through. I also found a great deal of pictures and sex videos with ex-girlfrieds that my husband had. I found them before our wedding and was very hurt that he had them while he was engaged to be married to me. I asked him to get rid of them and it took him 3 months to finally do that! It has been all sorts of porn ever since. We were married in September and have now been separated since February. I agree with Rosie that you have a codependency. Maybe I do to, but at least I reached a point where I said I would absolutely not tolerate him just trying to hide his porn usage. I found it every day on his computer. I'm much better at digging things up than he is at hiding them. Anyway, you say leaving is not an option. I'm not an advocate of divorce, but do you realize that what he has done is grounds for divorce by the Bible's standards? Deciding that you want to make your marriage work is great, but not by tolerating his sin. You have to make a stand. Are you going to live for God? Or are you going to live in the bondage that sin has ensnared your husband in? I'm not saying that you have to throw away your marriage, but a separation may open his eyes to reality. As I said, I have been separated since February 1, but y husband didn't realize there was anything wrong with his behavior and decide to do anything to change until I got a restraining order in mid-March. I can't remember exactly who said it, but I thnk it was Dr. James Dobson...a man has to hit rock bottom and lose everything of importance to him before he will change. You need to help him realize his sin. Yes, it's an addiction, but you can only blame an addiction for so long. If he knows he has an addiction, he should be taking action to correct it. You will never have the godly marriage you desire if he doesn't clean house and get rid of everything...EVERYTHING!
I'm praying for you and your husband
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