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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 04:04 pm |
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Well - I was looking around for pictures from our summer vacation from last year and I happened across some very disturbing CD's...
My husband's pictures of prior (girl) friends. Perhaps if they were B.M. (Before Me) I wouldn't be so upset or suspicious; however, one CD was made March '06 - and my husband and I were together then. Now - I cannot say whether the pictures were taken in March '06 - but the CD was certainly made in March '06. My point being - if he came across these pictures on the computer by chance (because he had forgotten about them) - why wouldn't he have deleted them instead of saving them on CD for possible viewing at another time???
As well - I have found old letters, x-rated stories, instand messaging conversations to and with various women (stuff that happened B.M). Oh...along with other pictures of woman (clothed and unclothed). All of which saved on CD.
We just moved into a house last July and he is the one who unpacked the office. Wouldn't have have thrown these away then when he came across them?
Why would have have made that one in March '06?
I would like to know what you would do if you were in my shoes. Any and all suggestions would be helpful.
Thank you and God Bless!
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henny
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 04:24 pm |
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Relying on Faith,
With a lot of prayer beforehand, you must confront your husband. Expect a lot of denial and evasion, lies and deception. You will have to be as patient and calm as you can be under the circumstances. Realize this, you don't know what is going on with your husband. And he will not want to tell you. Or at least I don't think he will.
Trust you instinct and intuition. If it smells like a lie, it probably is.
Is your husband a believer? Based on your chosen identifier, I assume you are. I also suggest you read as many of the posts on this site as you can. You will find a lot of support and understanding.
God bless.
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Suzi
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 05:40 pm |
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I agree with Henny. You must pray a lot and be very CALM when you talk with him.
Also, do you have a pastor or pastor's wife you could bring in on this for support? I don't necessarily mean with you at the time of confrontation, but someone you know is praying for you and who would be willing to help you with this.
If he is hiding something, he will feel like he HAS to lie. He may well deny this, and then cover up any other ways he is being unfaithful (and even if he isn't physically adulterous he isn't being totally faithful to you, forsaking all others).
This COULD be just the tip of the iceburg, so I would suggest you be thorough in what you can find, and don't be afraid to make copies in case he chooses to destroy it so you have no proof that you might need later. If he comes clean, confesses, and is willing to be accountable, then and only then would I suggest you destroy the evidence.
Also, no matter what happens, don't lose your faith in God or HIS sovereignty. If your husband truly does successfully cover up, and you buy into it... rest in the truth that GOD will not be mocked and in HIS time, He will expose the sin.
Hopefully, this was just silly "frat house" stupidity and not really an indication of a deeper problem.
May God watch over you and bless you!
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 06:12 pm |
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Thank you for the advice, Ladies. I guess I will have to confront him - but with a lot of prayer first.
I do know that my husband is addicted to porn. This was an issue since almost the beginning. We had a major heart-to-heart in December 06 when I confronted him and he finally admitted to having a problem with pornography.
We are both believers and only God will see us through.
I really do not know how sincere he is about no pornography as he still keeps all his old e-mails with porn and he has not thrown out his videos. Now - I came across this (and there is a lot of it)!
I know he had a life before me. I know he's had girlfriends and flings and the whole nine yards. But - I do not understand why he has to keep everything. I know he has a very sexual side to him - as I really do too. I am in no way a prude and my libido is extremely high - but from my understanding, when it comes to addicts - whether I have a high libido or not - it wouldn't make a difference.
No - I do not have anyone to talk to about this. Neither does my husband. I only have this forum (which has been very helpful).
Truth be told...I am very nervous about confronting him on this. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately (confronting, that is).
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 06:39 pm |
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Relying on Faith,
I should have identified myself better. I am a man and a recovering sex addict. As such, I will bring to you the male perspective. You will find there are a number of really strong women on this site with a lot of wisdom and insight into your situation.
You state that both you and your husband are believers. By believer, I assume you mean that you both believe in Jesus Christ as the one true son of God who died on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins, rose from the dead, to whom you have given your life, and received Him as your personal savior and Lord.
First of all, I don't like being unnecessarily blunt on this forum. But I have to ask you to take a real hard look at a couple things. In my opinion, when you had your heart to heart in Dec 06 every bit of pornography in your home should have been destroyed. If your husband is keeping his videos with your knowledge, you both need help. Everything, and I mean, everything related to his porn addiction must be destroyed. Smash the videos, permanently delete those e-mail, install a filter on your computer, and start to pray together that God would show you His best for your marriage.
What is going on looks to me like a co-dependent situation where you have both may have developed unhealthy beliefs, or attitudes. I hate talking in psycho-babble gobbledy-gook, but my wife is a counselor and it has some truth to it.
If you and your husband want to rid yourself of this addiction it will take drastic measures. Half-hearted attempts are doomed to fail.
And please realize, if I have misunderstood your situation I apologize and mean no harm.
God Bless you both.
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Suzi
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 08:55 pm |
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Relying on Faith,
I concur with what "Gettinbetter" posted. For too many years, I "accepted" various levels of porn into our home, thinking that I had no right to command my husband to stop looking at it even though it bothered me. There was a huge amount of a co-dependency dance going on between us.
But it just never goes away on its own. It never gets better. Porn is an insatiable monster with an appetite that never goes away... on its own.
Please continue to read and research all you can about this. Look for SA websites, locations, etc. And seek to find some godly counsel from someone you can trust.
The enemy is using sex, the sex world, porn, and all the stuff that goes with it to detroy men (and women's) souls. Much like Lot in the Old Testament had a "vexed soul", it steals life from the person and drastically affects his/her ability to experience the kind of intimacy that God intended in marriage.
Hugs and prayers for you!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Mon Feb 5th, 2007 09:25 pm |
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Thank you for your honesty. Ya - sometimes it is hard to hear the truth...but the truth is just that...the truth.
Yes...I admit that I am co-dependent. It was hard enough to confront him about porn when I did! But I did it with God giving me strength. At the time I even told him that I wanted the video's thrown out - and I guess I chose to believe him when he told me that it's internet porn that he's addicted to.
The reality is this...porn is porn. Am I right? I guess it does not matter where it comes from...magazines...internet...videos (etc.) - it is ALL porn, isn't it? It is sin.
Suzi - that is EXACTLY how I've been thinking: that I have no right to tell my husband what to do even if it bothers me. I have also been "accepting" varous levels of porn into our home. I have also been of the thought - well...he doesn't do it as much as he did before. But I've thought that before and when he's gotten back into it - it cuts deeper than the previous times. What am I waiting for?
I will pray on this for a while. I need God to give me strenghth and courage to talk to my husband about this again. To tell him that I know about this new revelation (pornographic pictures of his ex - and others).
It is so difficult. Thank you all for your words and support. If anyone else has any words of wisdom - or comments - I absolutely welcome them (and honest is the best policy).
God Bless you all.
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splendor
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 12:32 am |
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| Relying on Faith, He isn't getting any help, is that right? Do you think that his addiction may be more than viewing porn?The items you mentioned are momentos. Many sex addicts greatly fear giving up their "old friend" -the addiction. They don't know how they'll live without it. I don't think your husband is out of the woods by any means. JMO Last edited on Tue Feb 6th, 2007 12:37 am by splendor
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Tue Feb 6th, 2007 10:23 pm |
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I found out that the pornographic pictures taken of the old girlfriend were from a few years ago (yes...before me). I found this out by finding dates on the pictures (and from the furniture in the pictures). Not that it makes any difference because he should not still have them - as well as the x-rated letters and instant-messaging transcripts. No - he should not have them. I am, however, relieved to know it did not happen while he has been with me!!!
I do not think he is going beyond porn (at least I pray he is not).
The "momento" comment is interesting. He actually keeps absolutely everything (even non-porn items)! Every piece of paper, every notebook - and that is just mentioning a couple of items (oh...besides the porn). Perhaps the "holding onto" things/momentos has a lot to do with the fact that he lost so much when he was young (both his parents passed away from cancer while he was young - and he can remember everything).
So - besides fearing giving up on his "old friend" - his addiction (which I believe you are right, Splendor)...I think he fears losing so much more.
You are right...I do not think my husband is out of the woods.
I think you for your frankness - and always welcome truth!
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 09:16 am |
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| Relying on Faith, You must be greatly relieved to know the photos are from before you were married, I glad for that!
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Wed Feb 7th, 2007 02:34 pm |
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Oh yes! I am happy they were taken before we were married...but I still cannot help but be upset and worried that he still has them - and that he purposely put those pictures on a CD in March '06 (when we were together).
My mind is going a mile a minute!!!
I will confront him - but likely on the weekend. He has some important meetings to get through this week that I know he has to focus on.
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 09:09 pm |
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Were you able to make some headway this weekend? Just wondering if there is an update.
Still praying...
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Feb 15th, 2007 03:32 am |
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| praying that you were able to discuss your concerns with him and that God is your strength
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 04:10 pm |
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I am sorry it's been a few days since I've posted.
Yes - I confronted my husband last weekend (calmly and reationally) and he didn't deny it. He "said" that he forgot that he even had the CD. I asked him why he made it in March '06 (if you recall, we were together then). He said that he doesn't really know why. He said he doesn't know why he didn't just delete them. He said that it may be because it's just like "porn"...that he just couldn't give it up at that time (he was very heavily into porn during that period of time). He told me to destroy it (oh yes...and I did). He went through all his CD's and told me that he got rid of all porn. I guess we'll have to wait and see about that because you know I am going to have to find out if he is telling me the truth.
We had a long heart-to-heart. I told him that I am so tired of having the feeling that he is hiding something from me. I told him that I do not trust him and I do not know how long it will be until I truly trust him again. He held me while I cried and Itold him exactly what was on my mind. He told me he is sorry for everything and that he will do his utmost...his very best to be the best husband that I deserve.
He asked me what would help me trust him again. I told him that instead of me always asking him how he is - asking if he's had temptation - or if he's looked at porn...that I want him to check in with me instead. I told him to tell me if he had a hard time and almost slipped or down-right slipped. I told him to tell me if he's done well. I told him that I just cannot keep guessing and wondering and asking. He told me that he would do whatever possible to help us through this.
Ladies...I so desperately want to believe him...I love him so much - but as you know, it can to so difficult to trust when that trust has been betrayed over and over.
Then...he is also a very good man.
So - that's where we are right now. I am praying to God and I am trying to trust - and I think he's trying to earn my trust, but we both know that it takes time.
Thank you all so much for your support and feedback. It helps give me strength when I feel so weak.
Now trust...hmmmmmm
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 05:39 pm |
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Trust came back to my marriage when my husband became trustworthy.
I learned that if I even gave my husband the slightest hint that his using or slipping with porn was ok, it was detrimental to his recovery. He had to know that there was NO option for him to act out.
By me telling his to just let me know if he slipped or not, was a green light for him to use. Addict thinking.
I had to be perfectly clear that porn was not an option in a viable marriage and also I had to let him know that I had complete confidence in him that he could stop completely.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Fri Feb 16th, 2007 07:12 pm |
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I pray he becomes trustworthy.
Thank you for your words of advice, Praise6! I am so new at this that sometimes I just don't know what to do or say. Coming to this website has helped me so much!
You are right - porn is not an option and my words about "slipping" is a "green light" (which I hadn't thought of) which I will rectify tonight!
Thank you so much.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sat Feb 17th, 2007 04:06 am |
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Wow... that trust thing. It's tough. At this point I do NOT trust my husband. Yet.
Praise6 made a great point. Not even giving an inch on the porn.
But for me, I am also trying to be a safe place for my husband to come to when he is weak and tempted.
For me the bigger deal breaker in gaining trust isn't that he is tempted, or perhaps even that he fails, but is he truthful about it?
At this stage in our healing, I am really trying to insist that he be honest, especially with himself. I don't know for sure if this is the best way to go about it. Too often in the past, his rationalizations reached epic proportions. He lied so much even he didn't know the truth.
I honestly don't know the best way to do this. I do know this... I trust my Heavenly Father and depend on Him for guidance and protection... and I pray a LOT!! HE's the ONLY one I can trust completely!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 01:16 am |
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Hi Relying on Faith, Sorry I meant this lady Suzi................
I have been reading your posts and I can see your desperation and also your denial. I feel by reading your posts and the way he is going about this is a HUGE manipulation of you.
I feel that he can see your weakness and fears of this whole ordeal so he is using it to keep his lies going on and doing his addiction. When he said he did not remember that he had the CD, that is a total lie!!! If someone is going to go to all the lengths of putting photos on a CD it takes a lot to do so. They do not go on there by themselves and each has to be scanned onto the computer and then put onto the CD.
He is lying and is not being honest at all here with you except for what he is caught with. And for you to think he is going to be honest is a huge mistake because you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain in expecting this from him.
An addiction is a deal breaker and sex addiction involves unfaithfulness to the max whether it is affairs and sex in the mind or with another's body.
You have the right to not trust him to destroy the stuff he has hidden and to do it yourself. And to make huge demands in no uncertain terms here. And to not feel like you have to pussy foot and walk on eggshells in any of this.
I would demand a lie detector test and accountability that is concrete for your own peace of mind. If he is sincere in his efforts to get help and deal with this illness then he will go to any lengths to do what you demand.
I would also take the computer OUT of the home altogether! Or get a blocker that cannot be messed with at the very least.
I must tell you that you are making a huge mistake in the way you are dealing with this. The addiction has control of both you and your husband. It is like the devil in your home. Your husband will lie and do whatever it takes to protect that and NOT you.
You caught him so he soothes you enough but do not be fooled unless drastic steps are taken you will not win this and you will go down with the ship. This is nothing to take lightly and do as you are doing.
If you found him doing heroin and it was killing him would you let him manage it and wait for him to tell you if he is using???? The thing is here is that the needle is in your arm also but you won't get the high just the pain and all the awful sick feelings that go with the addiction.
The addict does not feel the same pain and torment because he is medicated but you are not. And this is not hurting him like it is you.
I feel you really need to get out of the fear you are in and stop this with him. Make the demands and if he does not comply then he would have to leave. I know you are afraid of losing him but you already have to this addiction and if you continue to enable him right now you will lose him completely as the addiction escalates.
God Bless you dear soul but please stop the denial and fear. Both of your lives depend on you being strong. His addiction is alive and well. You will only delay this and have a lot more pain if you do not take this seriously. Rosie
Last edited on Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 03:34 am by rosiemj
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 03:12 am |
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Rosie,
Is the above post directed at my posts? Or Relying on Faith's posts? You mentioned CDs and I don't think that is our situation.
Please clarify....
Thanks!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Thu Feb 22nd, 2007 03:35 am |
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| Hi Suzi, I meant Relying on Faith......Sorry. God bless Rosie
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