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Abby
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| Joined: | Thu Feb 1st, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Feb 2nd, 2007 08:29 pm |
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Wednesday, January 31, 2007 is a day I will always remember. My husband of almost 4 years admitted that he is addicted to porn and masturbating. He has gone to our pastor and says he will start attending meetings and is willing to go see a marital counselor with me. I don't know where to go or who I can turn to. I'm not sure I can handle the pain of staying but I want to stick by him. I want to help him but who can help me? Am I strong enough?
I'm paranoid about everything - TV shows, women walking around, magazines, mail, the internet. What is going to be the next visual image he uses?
The last 2 nights he's wanted to have sex. I had sex with him on Wednesday night but couldn't last night. Why does he all of a sudden want that part of the relationship when he never did before? If I turn him down too many times, will that ruin any progress?
I'm just so scared and still in shock.
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Gettinbetter
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 10th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Feb 2nd, 2007 11:36 pm |
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Abby,
I am a recovering sex addict. First, please realize that it is okay to be in shock. I suggest you go to your husband and explain to him that at this time you simply can't be sexually intimate at this time.
One of the things that really helped me in my recovery was reading on this site about the pain and devastation this addiction can cause to a spouse. It seems it is mostly men who are addicted to pornography, and mostly women who are crushed by that discovery.
Invite your husband to read the posts on this site by other women. Take him to http://www.shelleylubben.com and let him read about the truth behind the fantasy of pornography.
I know this is devastating, but you can get through it, and you can find peace, and joy again. It is possible.
Go with God,
Matt
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 3rd, 2007 07:44 pm |
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Hi Abby,
My heart aches for you. This is such a painful, gut-wrenching, confusing time. Everything you are feeling is completely normal, and it is ok to share your hurt and insecurity with your husband. It is probably more productive if you can keep your sharing focused on how you are feeling, (tears are just fine,) than to call names or berate him, though those are perfectly understandable under the circumstances. As he has spoken to your pastor, you could do so as well, or perhaps his wife, or another woman he may know of who has been through this. More people have gone through this than you would imagine.
Reestablishing intimacy can be a tricky thing, and varies from couple to couple. An all round healthy marriage leaves much less room for temptation, but no matter how good or troubled a marriage is, he, alone, is responsible for the purity of his thoughts and actions. Participating only out of fear, or a mix of love and fear, is not going to heal either of you. By the same token, however, withholding out of spite/unforgiveness will also not be productive.
With God all things are possible. With both of you praying, talking, and working on this struggle, you are likely to get through it with a more solid relationship than ever.
I am not sure whether you caught him, or he came to you with his struggle, but if it is the latter you are in the minority of us wives. If he approached you, I give him a lot of credit for trusting you to help him through this, and valuing your marriage enough to want to remove this barrier to true intimacy.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Abby
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Posted: Sun Feb 4th, 2007 05:05 am |
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I spoke with our pastor first. I was so deeply hurt Wednesday morning when I found the websites and pictures on the computer. Honestly, I wanted to kill him. We had just talked, for the umpteenth time, about how it hurts me when he looks at porn and he said he'd stop. Stupid me. I didn't want to admit something was wrong with the man I thought was the perfect one for me. So I went to our pastor. I told him the bare minimum and he suggested I approach him with love. That I tell him no matter what he says I'll still love him. It was truth then and truth now. I do still love him. After all, hate the sin, love the sinner. Anyway, that was the best advice our pastor could have given me because it resulted in a full blown confession. All the other confrontations just resulted in denial. I doubt he would have ever come to me but we'll never know now. I just pray he'll come to me when he is tempted or has given in to the temptation.
I asked our pastor where I could go for help and he was at a loss. He told me to let him know so that he can help other women through what I'm going through if they approach him. I've done research on approved counselors from our insurance and will call a certified addiction counselor (who is also marital and faith based) on Monday to ask some questions.
I honestly thought I had gotten over my father issues. I was in counseling for years and my dad and I actually have a relationship now. We hug and talk and tell each other that we love the other and it is true. Wounds from dads cut deep and are hard to heal. I still have huge self esteem issues and the pictures I found and his countless admissions of looking at P never helped me.
I feel the need to talk about this every night. I've started journaling so that my husband isn't so overwhelmed by my need to talk all the time. This way I can at least limit it to my feelings and in the journal I can call him any name I want. I'm a little worried because he says he isn't struggling yet and still feels very euphoric. Pastor told him that for some men admitting to God, themselves, and their wives is enough but most need more help. He gave him the SA book and encouraged him to read other books, see a counselor, and go to meetings. I am very thankful that we have a pastor who is in touch with the real world.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Feb 4th, 2007 10:13 pm |
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That's a great start! He is admitting it finally, and appears to be willing to accept counsel.
For me, the best thing that helped me (even more than professional counselors, though they help a LOT, too, when you find a good one) has been going to support boards such as this. And doing LOTS of reading about the subject. Understanding it is part of what will help you heal, help you not take it personal, help you be able to support your husband as he himself doesn't really understand himself.
The main warning I have for you is that this is something that doesn't really ever go away. It can certainly be overcome, a person can get victory over it, but much like an alcoholic, they always have to watch out and prepare for the next attack. Some people get over it better and quicker than others, of course. And hopefully your husband will fall into this category.
Pray for your husband, pray HARD for him!!! Work on the overall relationship and it's possible God will be able to use you and your husband for those other couples who will need a hand to help them out of the same situation. I only see this getting worse and worse in our society.
Yes, you are fortunate to have a pastor who is wanting to help you both.
Best wishes and many prayers for you!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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