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eudora
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 09:52 pm |
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I'm starting to wonder ..... I'd not checked his internet history all of last year, *trusting* him as he asked, but the last time I caught him looking at porn, he said he hadn't looked in weeks. I figured I'd just check. Sure enough, he'd visited a site just a couple days earlier.
So that, combined with the fact that he keeps telling me it's lessening (but I don't know, because he doesn't tell me when he does, and he's lied about it when I've caught him), I decided to start surruptitiously checking his internet history, and tracking what I find (on MY computer, which is password protected!).
Lately I've been finding weird things, like yesterday I found he'd been to a site on craig's list, "is relationship strained by obsessive relationships", an ad looking for people to participate on a TV show. Last week I found something called "Does your Mate love porn but you hate it?" (Along with: "Seeking Models" and "Oxygen Network Seeking Hot Blondes". I'm not blonde.)
I'm wondering if this is something I should worry about. I know my checking like this and my jealousy & suspicion, is not fun for him (or me), it's not part of a healthy relationship .... but at the same time I didn't START doing these things, feeling these things UNTIL AFTER I CAUGHT HIM LOOKING AT PORN!
Should I worry? Should I stop? Am I being reasonable? ..... I wish I didn't have to ask .......
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 05:46 pm |
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If it were me, Eudora - I would click on the internet address first to see what it really is. I would then tell my husband what I found (after checking the properties of the web address in my history to see if it was him. It will show the date and time that the it was accessed). I would ask him about it - in a non-confrontational way.
I guess I may be quite fortunate as my husband has never questioned why I search the computer's history. I think he knows that he has been dishonest with me in the past and perhaps I have every right to search the computer. I am not as obsessed with searching the computer as I used to be (but the urge is still there - and the urge is hard to fight).
I got off topic there...sorry. Yes - I would simply ask my husband (although I still get nervous when confronting him - maybe because of what the truth may be). Just see how your husband reacts.
Oh...I would most certainly pray about it before speaking with your husband. I ask God to give me the Grace of a lady...and to provide me with the words I need to say.
I don't know how helpful this is to you - but I thought I would tell you what I would do.
Be well.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 05:49 pm |
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Correction...I would check the properties first...then click on the web address.
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eudora
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 07:32 pm |
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I have a challenge with figuring out what he's looking at .... If I click on it, then it shows up in the current history, then he knows I looked. I haven't been able to figure out yet how to delete a particular reference. (He is using a different browser, so I can't even TRY to figure it out unless he's away from the computer &/or house for a long period ... which rarely happens). And same for checking properties ... I'm so unfamillar with his web browser I can't quickly figure it out. So far I have to quickly look and then remember (writing it down when I can), then go to my computer, then look, then delete my OWN history ... it's nutty.
Most of the things that are weird he's looked at have to do with TV shows (and he's in the industry), but as there aren't LOTS of TV show topics ... just these few weird ones ....
Thing is, the reason I'm checking is to see if the fact that he's "doing it less" as he tells me is true. If he knows I keep poking around his history, he'll just delete it all the time, and I'll never know.
Last year I gave him benefit of the doubt - this year I want facts.
Last edited on Tue Jan 30th, 2007 07:33 pm by eudora
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 08:37 pm |
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From the site descriptions you listed, it doesn't really sound too much like real porn to me, but it does sound like he might be "dabbling" abit at the edges of it. I too noticed my H was checking out news items that had a hint of a tease. He wasn't really looking at porn, just kinda AROUND it... enticing news articles about some of the young divas in the movies and on TV, or at articles that had a hint of a tease to them.
I watched where he was visiting on these sites, but I never really confronted him on them like I would have if it had been hard-core porn. But what I did was just try to work on the relationship and prayed hard for him. Also watched his spiritual growth in trying to see if he were growing closer to God or not. Overall, I think his interest has waned a LOT. I have even noticed the TV remote clicks off of the enticing stuff a lot faster than before. I honestly can't say what he really does when I am not there, but I have definitely seen a drop in the "dabbling".
I would recommend you continue to keep an eye on it, pray for your husband, and look for open doors to increase communication about stuff like this. Maybe pray for an opportunity to ask him how he feels he is doing with his boundaries regarding what he watches or reads on his own?
Wishing you the best. Will pray for you.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 06:59 pm |
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I am the same as Suzi. If my husband is "dabbling" at the edges, I do not say anything but I certainly pay closer attention at those times as I have noticed a pattern..."dabbling" for a certain period of time...then full blown hard-core porn. I also do A LOT of praying!
I have been reading a book (Every Heart Restored) and although I have not finished it, I do see that even "dabbling" at the edges is a dangerous road to be on. And I believe it because I've seen it happen with my own eyes - in my house.
But...I do understand that not everyone is the same.
What I cannot stand is (and now I have to gripe) when my husband's friends sends him porn by e-mail (my husband has his own e-mail account)!! Yes - I know that my husband does not HAVE to watch it (nobody is forcing him to)...but I know he does. He told me that his friends sometimes send him pictures of naked woman - which is true, but he neglected to mention (a.k.a. - lying by ommission) that they also send him movies via e-mail (and this I KNOW).
I guess what bugs me even more is when he forwards these e-mails to other men. I mean - he, of all people, knows how what porn can do to marriages!
I just don't get it sometimes. I just don't get him sometimes.
Yes...I pray A LOT! I pray for my husband - I pray for protection from evil in my household (in the name of Jesus Christ) - and I pray for my husbands friends (as the Bible tells me to).
I pray for peace.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 07:45 pm |
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You know - I read my last post here and then I started feeling guilty about talking about my husband like that. I do love him with all my heart. I KNOW he is trying (he doesn't look at porn even close to as many times as he used to - and for this I am thankful) - I guess sometimes I just get frustrated with this whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Sometimes I think I do.
Now - I am going to say something good about him. My husband has a good heart. He loves me and cares about me. He doesn't want to see me hurt. He is gentle and kind and would give you the shirt off his back. He helps around the house and goes out of his way to do things for me. There really isn't enough time to tell you how wonderful he is. I could go on and on.
If all the men on earth were lined up - and I was asked to choose. I would chose my husband - in a blink of an eye!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Feb 2nd, 2007 03:52 pm |
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Ladies, it is ok to set firm boundaries about purity and fidelity. If someone offered you a glass of water, with just a drop or two of poison in it, would you truly prefer that to a glass that was half poison? Whether someone has three cigarettes or three packs a day, he is still a smoker. Whether he looks at one site a month, or one per hour, he is still an unfaithful porn user. Whether he looks at girls in bikinis, or girls in explicit scenes, he is still an unfaithful porn user. What passes by in the course of living, over which one has no control, and what one deliberately puts in front of one's eyes, are two vastly different things. If he has pledged to be one with you until death do you part, there is absolutely no room for focusing on another woman's image. Only in the Trinity can three be one.
Praying for all...
TruthSeeker
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Fri Feb 2nd, 2007 06:58 pm |
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Thank you, Truthseeker. You set it out perfectly for me (and likely others). I was wondering if I was overreacting about my husband looking at girls in bikinis, or girls in explicit scenes (etc.). What you said relates to that book I am reading (Every Heart Restored).
I mean...I have no trouble whatsoever being faithful to my husband (and this includes in my mind, my heart, and what my eyes look at, etc.) - whether I am with him or not. It's always been very puzzling to me why he cannot be that way towards me too.
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TheChild
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 05:22 pm |
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If you and your husband are both fundamentalists that think looking at sears catalog is cheating on your wife and he is making the conscious decision to do so then more likely than he is upset about something. After reading the entire set of replies it seems like there is more energy being spent on trying to find out how to mistrust and spy upon, then control your husband than there is effort being spent on understanding and loving. Lastly, despite being a man of the faith I am also a scientist and a psychologist at that. For many fundamentalists this is akin to satan worship. From that perspective, the worst case of his looking at porn (ellegedly no less, shame on you who judge) is due to feelings of neglect )usually well foudned) or the best case scenario, its perfectly natural and nothing to worry about. Tormenting his sexuality by slapping his fingers every time he realizes he has a penis could result in feelings of shame and resentment. THough, from reading these posts I think shame and control of a husband are the underlying topics.
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TheChild
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 05:25 pm |
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The best way to devine how a puzzle fits to together is to spend some time with it and ask, what is askew in me that I cannot see all your pieces together.
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TheChild
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 05:28 pm |
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This might be a better way to understanding. I know how most of my christian brothers and sisters get upset when I disagree with them. She has a more, tradional aproach.
http://www.olivebranch.com/jean/husband.htm
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 05:53 pm |
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| I'm curious how you feel men looking at porn is from feelings of neglect they get from their wives. Most of the men who are addicted to porn were addicted before they even met their wives. I've never once had the conviction to shoulder the blame for something my husband starting doing when I was probably 7 years old. I didn't even meet him until I was 40 or so.
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Suzi
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:08 pm |
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To TheChild,
I looked at the website you offered and I totally agree with it! I had most of those verses memorized and meditated on almost daily.
However, you possibly are only seeing this from the ONE side. Most of us here are not talking about the "normal" common everyday part of being a man (or a woman). My perspective is that although I was seeking every which way I knew to PLEASE my husband, to try to institute excitement and variety in our love life, to give him the respect and support and honor in his job and his family, he was rejecting me right and left. I was open to whatever attention he wanted from me. And if it came to "needs not being met"... then how come I wasn't the one who cheated?
As it turns out, with 10 years perspective on this, my husband has very complex issues regarding sex. He is a model husband in many ways, and we have a really good marriage... But you know what? I don't want to be blindsided by an STD - AGAIN!!! Because of the many lies he DID tell me, I DO have difficulty believing him and trusting him. Because of the many times he denied his own issues, I have trouble NOW believing that he doesn't exactly recognize when he is at risk for failure AGAIN!
So, yeah, I live a life where I have a significant amount of distrust, and I hate it. I would rather TRUST my husband... However, I have been burned too many times by trusting him blindly.
I have nothing against research, psychological understanding, and so on. But I fear if you only see the ONE side you presented, you will miss the opportunity to help many people who have the need for someone to understand them and help them understand themselves and how they can lie face to face to the person whom they SAY they love.
Until you personally have lived with someone who has been able to lie to you for close to a decade, I don't think you have the appropriate experiential knowledge to judge those of us who live that life day by day and wonder... "ok, is this true? Or another lie?"
I hope you put off the apparent intolerance of "fundmentalists" and put on an open mind as you continue to read and process the issues that are being posted about at this website.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:30 pm |
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Hello TheChild,
I am guessing that we ladies would be interested, should you be willing to be vulnerable and share, in the struggles that brought you to this site. Most people end up here searching for help for themselves or someone they love, so perhaps you could share the impact that pornography has had for you or them.
Please be careful with our wounded hearts. Even were "neglect" to have played any role in our husbands struggles, two wrongs do not make a right, and it is they, not we, who are supposed to be the head, the role model.
Drawing from the site for which you provided the link, I would share what a pastor told me regarding honoring husbands. "If a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and gave himself for her, respecting him shouldn't be difficult." The marriage relationship is a two-way street. It doesn't matter whether the chicken or the egg came first, both need to be in obedience to God's Word.
Please be careful of your motives here. If you are not here to help or be helped, you may harm. We have all had enough of the blame game, and are all seeking whole and healthy relationships. But, as I said, it takes two, and for those whose husbands are actively continuing to sabotage the relationship with untrustworthy behavior it is necessary to "divine" the truth of the puzzle for ourselves, as it is often only with evidence in hand that the brokenness of the relationship will be acknowledged and, hopefully, addressed.
I have dubbed "judge not lest ye be judged" to be the unrepentent sinners' favorite verse. It is balanced with 2 Tim. 3:16-7 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." Since Scripture equates looking with lust in the heart with adultery, a sin from the ten commandments, yes, I am going to call porn use sin, not out of my judgmentalness, but based on God's word. If you have not yet acquiesced to such a fundamental truth of Scripture, I submit that you are not likely to serve any good purpose here.
TruthSeeker
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:44 pm |
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"The Child" - I am quite curious to know why you are here.
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TheChild
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:47 pm |
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In retrospect harsh and judgemental is what that was.
I lived for four years in an extremely abusive relationship with a woman who had borderlien personality disorder, and you are right I was judging from a single side without asking more questions. It's part of my having issues with women of late.
My being led to this site was at first purely academic. Having seen people who go to both extremes I try to stay abreast of peoples opinions on these matters. I see people who are either afraid of their own bodies or outright addicted to pornography, this is also an area that is so indivisualized that findign insight is often painfully difficult.
Bashing fundamentalists (and my spelling). I shouldn't, most fundums are really good people. Explanations aside.
I once cheated, but was the model man aside from that. Some time later after the guilt had left me I found that a bout of celibacy got my googies back under my control, rather than my being under their control. For many men however, celibacy can actually exacerbate everything from feelings of inadequacy to issues of infedelity.
Counceling for the issues. They are not something a husband shoudl try and fight on his own, and it doesnt make him less of a man to get help.
My brother who is a preacher found himself excessively libiduosu a few years back and it was burdening his poor wife. He got my uncle (another man of the cloth) to set him up for a guys only church retreat at a very isolated location. THe focus of this retreat was how christian men have to balance the lord and master of the house thing, with being really awesome to the ladies. Getting it off the brain can help alot.
Those little retreats are really cool, whether or not a man cheats.
Last thing before work, I know Im long winded
....
There is no excuse for cheating. A man is responsibel for his actions. Violating his word or taking advantage of people must have direct consequences and what I have often found is that part of the guilt and self blame women can carry about these things can prevent those consequences from becoming real. God loves every single human being, but he still puts them in the dog house if he has to.
Anyways, sorry if I came off wicked sexist, it wasn't my intention, jsut what went down.
Good luck.
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TheChild
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Posted: Thu Feb 8th, 2007 06:49 pm |
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Oh yeah, being here. When I was reading the posts it seemed like a couple of the poster were more worried about hwo to spy and not get caught and felt the need to get up at arms.
Interest in the human beings issues of intimacy. Yes I have trust issues, yes i have been cheated on a great many times. And yes, my primary interest in being here is to be helpful and gain insight.
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Fri Feb 9th, 2007 03:22 pm |
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Checking up on someone who is cheating on you is almost like "the stages of betrayal". For some people, it's the only way to get at the truth.
The website's good, no problems here with it.
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Life sucks
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Posted: Sat Feb 10th, 2007 06:29 am |
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Check out kidcontrol.com it's an awesome little tool I use to protect my sanity. Sex addicts lie, they are good at it, they've spent their lives lying and living in shame. They have brought that shame into our lives, their childrens, their families, and their friends.
This poking and prodding isn't to pigeonhole the sex addict it's to help us heal. When we see they haven't lied and used porn we heal, we feel like we're coming closer to trusting them again.
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