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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 07:09 pm |
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Hi to all. I am new here (new to anywhere for that matter). I have been blessed by God with "faith" although sometimes I feel that I lack in this area. I will not go into the whole story (although from what I've read in other posts...my story is much the same).
I knew my husband looked at pornography from the beginning of our relationship - although I did not know to what extent (but I know now). I started confronting him with this near the end of last year. Every time he looks at porn - he acts differently which would send me straight to the computer to find out what he's been looking at. Usually - my instincts were right.
In December I confronted him again and then he "confessed". We have had a few discussions since then (calm, constructive conversations). I've told him how I feel about porn and masterbation and his use of it - as well as how it makes me feel. He is very understanding - and he is a very loving husband and I know that he loves and cares about me (I do not want to forget to tell you that). I do know that he is trying (albeit on his own...hopefully with God's help) - and I want to and have told him that I support him. Leaving is not an option with us. We are forever.
This is my problem...how do you trust again? I have been doing better lately (trying not to let my thoughts turn to "is he doing it?", "what is he doing?", etc.) by praying. I no longer search the computer every time I go to it - trying to see what he's been doing. I am trying to have faith in God. I do not want to keep confronting him every time I "suspect" - because I think half the time it is all in my head. You see...he has NEVER just told me about when he's been looking at/materbating to porn. I'VE ALWAYS been the one to bring up the subject.
Perhaps the reason he has not brought it up since December - is because he has not been doing it?
I do not want to unjustly bring up the subject...but then again - Iwonder.
You see...I have these "debates" in my head - feeling as though I am going to lose my mind!!!
How long will this "madness" in my head go on? I know I can only control me...my actions and my thoughts - but it drives me crazy thinking that he may still be doing it and trying to get away with it. I wish he would communicate more with me on the subject - although I know it MUST be difficult for him.
Really? I think right now it is all in my head - and I am just feeling a little insecure at the moment. I just really needed to tell someone - and want someone to tell me that I am not (totally) crazy!
I probably made no sense here. Sorry.
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eudora
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 08:06 pm |
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You made perfect sense. I'm struggling with that too. I, too, know my beloved loves & cares for me. I know that together we are more than the sum of our parts. We know we have a special something together that is beyond our wildest imaginings ....
except for the porn.
I struggle with that as well - I know he doesn't like my suspicious behavior, my constant checking. But as with your husband, he does not tell me, he isn't straight with me, and it's so easy to hide it from me. It always makes me suspicious of what he's doing - and makes me think if he can lie so well about that, what else is he lying to me about?
My beloved wants me to forgive him, understand he's trying, and to trust him. But how do I trust him when it keeps happening? How do I trust him when my constant vigilence checking reveals he's lying to me?
How do we heal from this when it keeps happening? When he doesn't bring it up?
I have no answers ... but I can say you're not alone.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 09:27 pm |
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Thank you, Eudora. If not anything - it is nice to know that I (we) are not alone. What I suspect is that my husband using porn happens more often in my imagination than it happens in real life. I feel so completely insecure and inadequate when he looks at porn.
I have to agree with you by thinking if he could lie so easily about porn...what else does he/has he been lying about? The times when I knew what he was doing (because of my snooping) - but he did not know that I knew...he was doing a pretty good job lying about it (oh...and not being open and honest with me is the same thing as lying).
He acknowledges his "sin" and it has apparently been something he has been battling for many, many years. When I speak with him - he is fairly honest...but it's like I have to drag the truth from him (and it is very tiring)!
Sometimes I think he's just gotten really good at deleting things from the computer so that I cannot find out (but I still have to force myself not to look).
My husband (who I love with all my heart) wants forgiveness and I know he is trying. But again - since I've been the one to confront the issue (and not him) - how do I really know?
I have this "thing" about knowing the truth. I am a very honest person and I would appreciate being respected by my husband telling my the truth.
It is hard, Eudora - to keep trusting when it keeps happening (just as you said). I do not have any real answers to give to you too. I think sometimes we just need to vent...to be heard...validated. I think this is a good place to do that.
I guess I really do have to have faith in God - that He will take care of things - reveal truth to me...but sometimes that's easier said than done. Sometimes I am okay - sometimes I am not.
Thank you so much for replying. My heart goes out to you as well and I will pray for you and your husband tonight.
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hurts
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 10:02 pm |
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My husband never said a word either, until I accidentally found out and confronted him with it. I used to go crazy searching the house, every shelf, behind everything, in search of books, movies, any evidence at all. (My husband is no good at the computer, which is why I was floored when I discovered it. Fortunately, he has no idea how I discovered it, or how I deleted his user account, thereby making it impossible to even get on the computer!) The whole time I searched I felt like I had eaten a pile of rocks and knives. I stopped searching, and then I kept finding evidence accidentally. Several of the recovering men here have spoken about their wives' inntuition. Maybe trust that - I don't kill myself looking, and it is a lot easier when you don't have those same images in your head.
My husband is not a frequent user either, so I know about the suspiciousness when it has been a while. When this happens next (his recent episode was less than a week ago), and it has been a while, and I do get suspicious, I am going to just ask him how it has been going? Has he felt the temptation? Is there anything I can do to ease that temptation (and I do't mean sexually, I mean maybe he just needs a love note, or a little more appreciation or thanks)? I think that's what our part of the recovery can be - to help them through the hard times. If they can tell us when it is tough for them, without us getting mad, then we can work on it as a couple.
If there are any recovering men reading this, I think your thoughts and advice would help, also.
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eudora
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 01:42 am |
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Hurts, you said some very interesting things. I don't know if you've been reading my thread, but that's the kind of thing I'd like to know. I want to SUPPORT him, LOVE him, through this. I understand he's addicted. I understand habits are hard enough to break, addictions that much harder. I'm willing to forgive slips - if I know he's trying.
I really want to work WITH him to move through this. I think that's a lot of what we're upset about - yes, the porn, the porn, the porn is bad. But what is worse is the hiding & the lies.
If he said, "Hon, I'm really struggling with this today." I'd say, "Oh, honey. How horrible! What can I do to help you, love you & support you through this?"
But when I have to CHECK, when I have to FOLLOW him, when I have to CHANGE WHAT I'M DOING/ NEED TO DO because he's acting odd, he's doing something suspicious, he's away from the house for a while so I can do a thorough search - no NOT heal myself, NOT rest, NOT take a long bubble bath uninterrupted, NOT blast my favorite music, the stuff he doesn't like, blast it through the house & dance & sing, No, CHECK UP ON HIM LIKE HE'S A MISBEHAVING CHILD ..... God help me, I just DON'T feel very kind, loving, or supportive. I want to smack him.
I truly want to help him through this .... I want to stand strong in my power, be understanding & compassionate, yet not let him walk all over me or "get away with it" .... but I don't know what to do. He can't tell me. I don't know.
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eudora
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 01:42 am |
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Hurts, you said some very interesting things. I don't know if you've been reading my thread, but that's the kind of thing I'd like to know. I want to SUPPORT him, LOVE him, through this. I understand he's addicted. I understand habits are hard enough to break, addictions that much harder. I'm willing to forgive slips - if I know he's trying.
I really want to work WITH him to move through this. I think that's a lot of what we're upset about - yes, the porn, the porn, the porn is bad. But what is worse is the hiding & the lies.
If he said, "Hon, I'm really struggling with this today." I'd say, "Oh, honey. How horrible! What can I do to help you, love you & support you through this?"
But when I have to CHECK, when I have to FOLLOW him, when I have to CHANGE WHAT I'M DOING/ NEED TO DO because he's acting odd, he's doing something suspicious, he's away from the house for a while so I can do a thorough search - no NOT heal myself, NOT rest, NOT take a long bubble bath uninterrupted, NOT blast my favorite music, the stuff he doesn't like, blast it through the house & dance & sing, No, CHECK UP ON HIM LIKE HE'S A MISBEHAVING CHILD ..... God help me, I just DON'T feel very kind, loving, or supportive. I want to smack him.
I truly want to help him through this .... I want to stand strong in my power, be understanding & compassionate, yet not let him walk all over me or "get away with it" .... but I don't know what to do. He can't tell me. I don't know.
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eudora
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 01:48 am |
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Faith .....
I still wish I had answers, and it seems both of us are in the same place. It's really sad we have to come together like this, but I for one feel stronger in my .... well, let's just wrap it all up in the word "disgust"... at the situation.
Intellectually I knew I was probably not alone in ALL of my feelings (though I also felt there might be some truth to his statement that it's because of my history), but coming here, reading other women write about the same things, the same feelings, the same confusion, the same feelings of denigration, feeling less than, losing our self-esteem, or strength, our power, feeling disgusted, revolted, depressed, feeling confused, lost, hurt .... probably many other things I'm forgetting .... but know I SEE it, I KNOW it.
It gives me much more inner strength to face him with his same words, but now I have greater conviction that it's not "just me" and I'm not the one who should "just get over it", that it's not "no big deal", that I'm not "reading too much into it".
This probably doesn't help you at all, but it felt like I needed to say it.
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hurts
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 02:50 am |
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Oh, I understand the pain of the lies. I tell my husband everything, everything! And to find out that I am kept from a part of his life - it just hurts! I have taught my kids to be honest in all things, always. You can't go wrong. And I fear for them knowing they share my lying husbands genes!
And I HATE having to check up or find out! It is like a child and I feel sometimes like I want to treat him like one. You know, sometimes you want to tell your kids to stay in their rooms with nothing to do until they turn 18. I just want to do that to him sometimes. Just grow up! I understand he began exploring and hiding it when he was a teenager, but I wanted to be his wife, not his Mom!
I don't understand how he can say he feels bad about it, but yet was fine for days, or weeks without saying a word. It feels he only feels bad that I found out, not that he did it.
Once, I let him go to a bachelor party, as long as I got a good welcoming when he got home. I was trying to be open and give him what he wanted. Well, I got nothing when he got home. He cted weird, and when I asked detailed questions, I got small answers. One question was if thw two women did anything together. He assured me no. Three days later, at a dinner party with our best friends, another male asks him the same thing, right in front of me, and he says, Oh Yeah, and starts talking about how great it was!!! I was so appalled, mostly at being lied to in my face!!! How do you forgive lies like that? (Wow, sorry, I guess maybe I still haven't forgiven that one!)
I was also told that I was the only wife of his friends who felt this way, and why couldn't I just get over it, and be cool like the other wives. Well, I DON"T CARE. They aren't me, and their marriage isn't ours!
Faith - have faith in yourself and your uniqueness. And maybe in the rest of us here pulling for you.
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Relying on Faith
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 02:22 pm |
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Ladies...thank you for all your feedback!
I have to agree with you...I think I am more upset with the lies, deception and the hiding!!! I have seen what he's looked at - and, yes...it is (very) upsetting too. But I value honesty above almost anything - but when I have been deceived by the person who says loves me and respects me...
When we really spoke about this addiction back in December - he told me that if he had any temptation - or experienced any of his "triggers"...he would call me (if during the day...oh...he also works out of the house...alone with the computer). He told me that if he "slipped" then he would tell me the next day.
I am totally open with him. I want to be supportive. I keep myself in "checK" so that I remain calm and understanding - and try to be helpful and supportive and loving. If and when he confronts me - I know I will be okay in dealing with it with him because I know that God will be there helping me through it. I just need God's help in the "after the discussion" with my husband.
People should not be concerned about "other marriages". You are right, Hurt...the only marriage we (including our husbands) should be concerned about is our own.
Anyway, Ladies...time to make a living.
Thank you for all your words and the encouragement that I am not alone. I said a prayer for all of us this morning.
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deeplyhurting
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Posted: Mon Feb 19th, 2007 03:50 am |
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I too have struggled with insecurity... until I realized that this issue was present way before me and my physical features are not the reason for the pornography. I had to work hard on my heart and had to realize that this issue is how my husband handles conflict and stress and insecurities. It had little to do with me, but more to do with him. I am at a place where I am in learning mode as well...this whole issue showed me that my conflict resolution skills are really bad... I go from fear to anger to a closed heart and that is not good. I have a post earlier this week about a book that helped me immensely stop the emotional rollercoaster and started looking at this "trial" as a trial that could make me stronger and make our relationship stronger. Currently I am separated from my husband. I wish we were not separated, but there was emotional and spiritual abuse involved on both our parts. Right now I am focusing more on me and less on him. He knows what he has to do to earn my trust back... similarly I too have to earn his trust back for how I reacted.
The key to stop the emotional roller coaster is to know that healing happens in stages: Anger, Resentment, Mourning, Fear, Understanding, Forgiveness, Growth, Maturity.
It takes time and I don't believe you can skip these stages... for me the hardest one was mourning the feeling of security and safeness I felt when I didn't know. That was a hard one for me to get through.
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rosiemj
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Posted: Wed Feb 21st, 2007 11:33 pm |
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Hi girls, I had been in a relationship with a sex addict for almost 7 years. He admitted he had a sex addiction after we had been together for a few months. So we went we and he himself went to sex addiction counseling. He had told me that he was in a sex addiction clinic in California after his second wife of two months (they had lived together for 1 1/2 yrs before that) realized there was something wrong with him.
They divorced after the two months and she left for 4 months to go back to him and then she realized he was indeed sick. So she had him go to the clinic in California. He got out and stayed home from work for 5 months. She had him leave their home and then she proceeded to pack her things and moved back to another State. That was the end of it as she could not take it.
I met him a few months later and had the impression he had not been in the relationship for a year and a half. I should have had a clue when the first time he came into my home he said he thought he had been molested when he was young. I asked him if he remembered it and he said no. So I said do not worry about it then.
Within a week or so I realized he had a control problem because he wanted me to not drive my car and other things that he believed in a woman should or should not do. I decided not to see him. But after a week he came over and said he understood about control and would be okay.
We got into a realtionship and he moved into my home. The first night we went to the grocery store he acted weird when two women came around the corner. He had said his second wife was jealous so he got nervous that I would be and I told him I am not his second wife.
Two days later it started and escalated into his talking about women, teenage girls and boys and then little girls and boys. He told me vile stories of things he did. That he went in to stores when he did not need to and sexaulized everyone everywhere.
He stared at women and teenagers in a weird way and body parts. He told me he masturbated over my youngest son girlfriend and that he pretended that I was her and another women who worked in one of the offices where he fixed Xerox machines and other office equipment.
He said he only had 4 women in his life as far as sexual intercourse, which that includes me. But sexualized and fantasized over all these people and sexual things.
He left me a billion times and took up our life with this addiction 24/7. Everything evolved around him and his. If I got upset and sick of it he would tell me he did not love me and used and abused me, that women were apart of him, that I was not the one and that this was important and not me.
He kept me up for days on end with the sun coming up and going down telling me vile crazy things about his sexual deviant thoughts and behaviors. I witnessed him with his privates hanging out when my daughter in law was sitting on the couch across from him and he looked real weird like he was drugged up and mean looking.
He acted weird and did things like elaborately bending over in front of people in line at the stores and reaching up around someone's head in line acting like he was looking at something. He would say thank you to attractive women but not to other ladies he felt were not. He saw a group of young 13-15 year old kids washing vehicles and made a loop back to them and then crossed traffic saying we needed gas that was right beside them. We had a full tank!!!!
He did this and so much much much more......He lost his job of 24 years with Xerox to sit on a laptop since 2003 and do God knows what. He ruined our sex life so that we did not have sex and all he could do is masturbate instead of doing something to get us together.
He left a billion times and was blaming me for it all. He kicked me in my left breast so that I had to have 3 surgeries to have it fixed to normal. He has been cruel in everyway to me with this whole thing. And to top it off he went into denial of this about 5 years ago. So I cannot get him to tell the truth and I have to figure this out by myself.
It is scary to think he may find someone who has kids and then end up molesting them. I fear that more than anything and I feel sorry for teenagers he may try things with also. He is 49 years old and when I see dateline it scares me to think he could be one of those guys.
At one point about a year and a half ago I went into denial myself and wanted to believe he is an abuser and only told me these things to abuse me so I had him arrested for abuse and he went to a domestic abuse education program. I would rather believe that then to think this is a sex addiction!!!! That is called the devil and the deep blue sea!!!!
This addiction is full of lies and torment for the partners (victims) of this. I read your posts girls and I understand the hypervigilance to find out what the hec these guys are doing. You start to try to control the addiction. But you can't and if you decide to stay then the only thing you can do is let it go and let God.
This is a life sentence for you with the addict. It is an addiction and will not go away but can be managed if your partner is willing to go to any lengths to deal with it.
I would make demands as long as your partners are willing. One of them would be a lie detector test every few months to see if they have been truthful. And the other would be to get rid of the computer or to block the sites about porn. I would make them have full accountability that will make you feel safe.
There is no way you can keep this guessing game and playing detective all the time. You need something for you and you have the right to demand that they get help and do things that make you feel safe at all times. They need to get off their butts and do this. If they get defensive or ignore your feelings then you need to take care of you and figure out if you really want to do this.
I did not want my partner to leave at all and if he was not in such denial I would want to have him here to work on this. But with demands. That is that! God bless you and I will be posting. Rosie
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