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hurts
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Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 06:26 pm |
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I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8. I have discovered his addiction off and on throughout the years. I have dealt with all of the excuses, even the reasons why it is my fault. Every time he promises me he will never again and will try to make it all better, and is good for a while, and then it happens again. I found a new one less than a week ago. I can't go on like this, and have never felt this horrible in my life. Can he do this on his own willpower? How can I get him to seek help elsewhere? He won't. He won't discuss it with anyone else, and thinks he can do it on his own. But I don't belive him or trust him anymore. How can I keep forgiving him?
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Steve
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Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 06:45 pm |
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Hi Hurts. Oh boy, your experience is very common. I trust you realize that from reading through this fourm!
To answer your questions:
"Can he do this on his own willpower?"
It's very unlikely. The fact that he has already made promises before only to fall would indicate that "willpower" won't work for him. Honestly, I don't think "willpower" helps anyone get free of an addiction.
"How can I get him to seek help elsewhere?"
That is a huge dilemna that all people face who have a loved one who is mired in an addiction. I think deep down inside we all know that a person will only seek help when the addict himself gets motivated to change. Other people on the outside really can't motivate a person, no matter what they say or do. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink ...
I do have one thought on a practical level. Now I am not necessarily suggesting this strategy "off the cuff" without knowing the specifics of your situation, for it is a very serious issue, but in my experience I have seen partners of sex addicts either kick their spouse out of the house and/or threaten divorce. Sadly, it sometimes takes something that drastic to get a sex addict to consider getting real and lasting freedom from his addiction.
"How can I keep forgiving him?"
That is a great question to wrestle with. Frankly, it is really tough matters such as this that partners of sex addicts face, that I always recommend that you seek out all the support, counseling, understanding and spritiual direction you can possibly get. If your husband is not going to seek help for the addiction he obviously has, well then the only thing you can do is work on yourself. Indeed, the struggle to walk in forgiveness is a difficult one ... and you're going to need a lot of love and support from those who understand just how awful the nature of sex addiction is and how it destroys marriages, families, etc.
I did not mean to lecture you in my reply whatsoever and I hope I communicated my thoughts well. In short, if your husband refuses to get help, at some point, you might need to really "get tough" with him. The big lie that sex addicts tell themselves is that they can do it on their own, but the fact of that matter is their shame keeps them from being honest with others - and it's in the context of community, where people are open and honest about their struggles, that they ultimately gain freedom. In Christian cultures, male Christian sex addicts can "spiritualize" this rationaliziation by saying they are working on getting free "just between them and God," which is the biggest cop out in my personal and professional experience. Scripture says, "Confess your sins so you will be healed..."
So having said all that, if your husband is unwilling to get help, you may want to seek out help for yourself! (Actually, as a practical matter, I almost always recommend that partners of sex addicts seek out healing, regarding of whether their sex-addicted husband is getting help.)
What do you think about all this? Do you have any follow-up comments, questions or reactions?
Lastly, I trust you will find a great amount of support and understanding on this forum. Please know that you are definitely not alone in your pain and suffering!
-Steve
He won't. He won't discuss it with anyone else, and thinks he can do it on his own. But I don't belive him or trust him anymore. How can I keep forgiving him?
Last edited on Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 06:51 pm by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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hurts
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Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 07:06 pm |
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I am very happy I found this site and a group of people who understand and have gone, or are going through similar problems. I first discovered his problem two years after we had been together and tried to throw him out. I have tried to several times, and have threatened divorce. He thinks I am overreacting. I would say I made a mistake for not leaving right then, but I love our three young children dearly, and would not trade that for anything. This seems to scare him for a while, but then then he does it again. I never have tried to check on him; I always find out by accident. We grew up Christian, but are not active in any church. But I am very spiritual, believe in God and pray to him. We live close to both of our parents and I know I can't share any of this, and so must continue a facade. I have suggested seperation so many times, but I don't know how to do it. I would not want to take my children away from school, etc. I stay at home with the children, so I have no money of my own. We also are stuggling financially and I can't afford counciling, or to move away. But I think I really need it. I have never put myself first, and don't know where to begin. The children don't know that anything is wrong, and I don't want to upset their whole world just because mine is. I wake up crying and with stomach pains, and deal with it in the middle of the night. We are not really speaking about anything not related to the basics of running a house, family, and work (we are partens in a home-based business), and he is sleeping on the couch. His mother is dying of cancer, and I help care for her, so I don't want to upset her world by forcing her to learn of this. I also help my mother take care of my dying grandparetns, so this would be too much to bear for them as well. This may be why my threats of seperation and divorce are not taken seriously. I really have no where to go. I know he will be good for a while, but I will always wonder when it will happen again.
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Steve
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Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 08:53 pm |
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Hurts ... wow! You are in a tough situation!
I really don't know how to respond except to encourage you that you really need some support - people who understand what you're truly going through in all facets of this crisis. You've GOT TO have people whom you can open up to regularly, in my opinion. What do you think?
And hopefully this goes without saying, but I want to encourage you to seek God's grace, wisdom and guidance in ways like never before. I trust He will give you peace in your heart as you go through this storm!
All the best,
Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 04:32 am |
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Ditto 100% to Steve... I'm sure the ladies on the site will have better words to help you, but I feel for you, and again it convicts me with what I've put my wife through. And, as to the "willpower" question. No, his willpower will not be strong enough. No addict (and that's what it is - an addiction) quits without help. I beat my head against the "willpower" wall for 30 years without long-term success, and anyone else on this forum who's had a measure of success will confirm that need for outside help. But, for some reason, it's very hard for men to ask for help. Here's hoping he will, and that God's peace will be with you...
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hurts
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Posted: Wed Jan 24th, 2007 04:36 am |
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It really is nice to be able to find others in various stages and get support and hope. I hope we can both find the help we need to be able to have a happy marriage and a better relationship with God. He is not really interested in religion, or anything spiritual. How can I help him without making him feel overwhelmed with it all?
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hurts
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 03:05 am |
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I had a long talk with my husband last night. Told him everything, and he replied with all his heart. I want to help him, but I really need him to help me too. IS that messed up? Is that the road to recovery, or is it pathetic of me? He's the one who hurt me, so why do I need him to comfort me?
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eudora
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Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 09:22 pm |
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I struggle with that too ... I think tho they hurt us, we want to still feel loved and cherished. At least I often think/ feel I want him to care enough about me to comfort me when I hurt, even (or maybe especially) if he was the one who did the hurting.
I don't think you're messed up - I want to support my man getting help & healing, but I need help & healing too, and there's a third party that needs help & healing - our relationship. I feel like we've got to address it all if we can ever say we're healed and be able to put it behind us.
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