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harmonyrox
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Posted: Sat Jan 20th, 2007 05:42 pm |
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I am so bitter.
I found out right before Christmas. I had literally just gotten up the nerve to check his computer. I numbly searched his laptop, and had a few hits. That's when he walked in. I showed him what I'd found so far. I told him I wanted truth. He gently took the laptop from me and said, "what if I'm afraid to tell the truth?" I lied, "I won't be mad."
He told me. He had been looking at porn instead of having sex with me for the last year. We've only been married a year and a half. I left him that night... but I came back around 3AM the next morning. I had no where to go.
We did all of the normal family Christmas stuff. I had to look at people and smile and pretend everything was wonderful. Inside, I was dying. I was depressed and suicidal.
We came home. Now, here's the deal... John is being relatively perfect. We've had sex basically every night since he's told me. And I honestly love him more than I can even explain to you. But I don't trust him. And I'm hurt. And I can't stop the terrible thoughts that plague me.
When does the pain end? Will I ever be able to trust him again?
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun Jan 21st, 2007 01:05 am |
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Hi Harmonyrox,
As you have probably read in other posts, time and freedom from acting out are the most important factors in healing. Is he getting help for his addiction? Has he joined any recovery groups, and/or obtained an accountability partner? Is he taking steps to avoid the situations in which he acted out? Is he open to you verifying what you can about his recovery? Has he explored the roots of why he was escaping in to the fantasy land of porn?
You need not answer these here, just think about them.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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henny
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 05:49 am |
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harmonyrox,
I am a sex addict. You stated in your post that you have been having sex every night since you found out about his sex addiction. Darling girl, put down your fear. It's okay to gain some distance from this thing. Your actions tell me that you believe HIS porn addiction is YOUR fault. Therefore you must have sex with him daily to satisfy his sexual uges.
Let me tell you three things that are true:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
This is HIS addiction. Your marriage may not be perfect, but this IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
You've only been married a year and a half and he's spent most of that time not having sex with you?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this man hoped getting married would cure him of an addiction he already had. Many men think, when I get married this will go away, because I'll be having all this great sex with my wife.
But, here's the problem. Wives don't give sex on demand. There's romance and intimacy and foreplay and a lot of giving that needs to take place.
Pornography requires none of that. The porn girls offer themselves freely and on demand... no strings attached, no intimacy required, nothing, you want it, you got it.
But, of course, it's false intimacy. A lie.
Stop prostituting yourself with your husband. Having sex daily isn't going to "cure" this. There's a lot more involved.
Spend some time here, and at http://www.shelleylubben.com it will help.
God bless you. You deserve the very best God has to offer. Do not settle for anything less.
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harmonyrox
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 03:37 pm |
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Then what is going to fix it? Because I can tell you this: he looks again, I'll castrate him. How's that for godly love and grace?
I am not prostituting myself to my husband. For the last year, he has sexually refused me. BUT last night, he refused me again. Do I panic? Do I freak out?
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 04:05 pm |
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harmonyrox,
I'm not a counselor. I don't have all the answers. I guess no one does.
There's another thread on this page entitled "Is it really just the addiction, or is it something deeper?"
There are a couple replies there from BrokenAngel and 2for2 that may help. They list a couple other web sites and resources you can look at.
I am sorry for your pain. And, I recognize you want to "fix" your marriage. And it can be fixed. But only if your husband is willing to work on it with you. I don't know how deep his addiction is, but it sounds like it is severe. This probably can't be dealt with in your bedroom. This is in his heart and mind, not your marriage bed.
I think the most difficult thing for the non-addict to accept is that the addiction has so little to do with them. You could look like a movie star, and perform like a porn star and it wouldn't alter your husband's addiction.
It's his addiction, his sickness, his mental illness. It has little, if anything to do with you. Unless he seeks help, there's nothing you can do to fix this. You will have choices to make. But you can't control it, you can't cure it, and you certainly didn't cause it.
There are groups that can help you regain your emotional equilibrium and your sanity.
I will be praying for you.
God Bless.
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harmonyrox
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 05:16 pm |
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Thank you both (gettin better and henny) for your replies. I want you to know that I appreciate you taking the time to listen. I wanted to preface the next paragraph with my gratitude because I want you to realize that I'm not angry with you... I'm extremely frustrated with my situation.
Everyone keeps telling me it has nothing to do with me. Wanna bet? Because whether or not it was my fault, this has almost completely broken me. This has destroyed me. This has effected me in every way imaginable (even my hair is falling out.) To keeep getting up in the morning and surviving with some appearance of normalcy is nothing short than an act of God. But inside, I'm about to crack.
My husband IS doing better. He half-way confessed, and he was able to point to behaviors that told me that he wanted to get away from all of that. We're going to counseling. He's seeking God for help, and so am I. But my trust (in John AND God) is broken. I feel like I'm bracing myself for another crash, but if I'm doing that, aren't I just setting him up to fail?
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henny
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Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 08:06 pm |
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Harmonyrox,
I am so sorry for your suffering. God in heaven, please comfort your daughter.
No one here would think to imply that you were not affected by your husband's addiction. We all know you are. When the folks around here say that his addiction has little to do with you, they only mean you are not responsible for it....either the cause, or the cure.
Please go to this website. It will give you some insight into what your husband is dealing with. There are things at work in his brain, and in his heart, that he may not even be aware of.
http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2005/12/senate_subcommi.html
It says, in part:
"It may seem surprising that, at this juncture, I should speak of "chemicals," when one might be thinking instead of "sex." But, in fact, modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their "rushes" to "orgasms."
The pornography addict soon forgets about everything and everyone else in favor of an ever more elusive sexual jolt. He will eventually be able to find it only among other "junkies" like himself, and he will place at risk his career, his friends, his family. He will indulge his habit anywhere and everywhere, at any time. No one, no matter how highly placed, is immune. And like all other addicts, the pornography addict will lie to cover it up, heedless of risk or cost to himself or to others."
I know this realization is horrifying. But now, it is mostly up to your husband. He must make a choice between pornography and God, between pornography and you, between pornography and a rich fulfilling life together.
And, yes, it is possible to rebuild what's been destroyed. Do a search of Praise6 on this site. She went through hell with her husband, gave him an ultimatum and watched as her marriage was eventually restored.
Please realize there are many here praying for you, that God will comfort you, give you peace, make you whole.
In Christ,
Matt
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