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Broken Angel
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| Location: | North Carolina USA |
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Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 04:49 pm |
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Ok...here I go again...what about the wife's feelings ? My husband is a sex addict , where do my rights of fears and feelings fit in? If I distrust, how come I am persecuted? (By him) I understand this is HIS addiction, but am I not in the middle of this with my fear and hurt? Why do my feelings not count? Or do they? Why is when I say to him..I do nottrust you right now , I am hurt. He states that ::IT is my fault:::I have NO RIGHT to distrust him. What words to heal from a wife's point of veiw...That almost feels like..YOUR feelings and concerns do not matter to me, you are creating this. Can I ever move on from this? Recently I found that his 12 step program at the church is not just about Sex Addiction, it is a group of men with different addictions, and not one of THEM has his addiction, they spend most of their time working on (NOT principles) but...on talking. I understand this is a VERY big part of recovery, but I was made to feel by my husband that this was a 12 step program for SEX ADDICTS, when in fact, it is not. The reason why he was not going to SAA meetings was because he FELT that it was not about God, nor did it have God in it? I have compared the two...What is THE REAL difference between the two? Please explain this to me...it has been 6 months and he is on step 4 only? Help me please...
Broken
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 10:36 pm |
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Hello. Yes, your feelings count! Trust must be earned through openness, accountability, and time free of acting out. As the agrieved partner you are absolutely within your rights to ask questions, check up on him, etc.
I wouldn't know the difference between the two groups, but it sounds like attending both couldn't hurt him.
It is NOT your fault. How could it be? You have only been a part of his life for a fraction of this addiction! When people cannot confront their own shortcomings, they play the blame game. I'd be willing to bet that if you each sat down and wrote lists of your own and the other's areas to work on that his lists would be much more lopsided in his favor than yours. Praise God it is ok not to be perfect. Jesus died to cover it all, and give us strength to grow more like him while still here.
I listed some thoughts about ideals for marriage in this discussion.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum13/628.html
I realize, of course, that you are already married, but if the two of you could reach a mutual understanding of what ideals you are both working toward, and some tangible steps toward achieving them, there could be hope.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Jan 21st, 2007 03:08 am |
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OK, one more and I'm done.
We addicts are responsible for our actions. Period. We may be sick, but we have to accept and own what we do, to make amends, and to be rigorously honest. If we have been untrustworthy - and every addict has, and we sex addicts more than all the rest - then the people around us have every right to fail to trust us. Our job is then to try to be sufficiently transparent and accountable to enable that trust to be restored, but that takes a very long time. One person I know says she thinks she will need 2 years of trustworthiness for every year of betrayal before she can really trust. I hope it may come quicker in my life - I'll be about 110 then - but of course I can't expect my wife to trust me after 30 years of active addiction after meeting her and after less than 2 years in the program and only 14 months of sobriety. I don't see that we have any right at all to ask for trust we haven't earned, and most of us haven't earned too ruddy much.
Just how I see it, of course.
Tim M.
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Broken Angel
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Posted: Sun Jan 21st, 2007 04:49 am |
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Thank you. It hurts so much....I pray everyday that this will get easier, though I know it won't. The pain is immeasurable and the night is so lonely and full of worry. I am constantly greeted with adversity on every level only later to hear I am sorry. Then, I have to say, I am sorry, I do not believe you (hurts more to say that) . How to I rebuild the trust I once gave him so freely and that he has torn down, and fought to keep it at bay. I honestly believe that he feels I should trust him now that he is in church and in the 12 step...and he HONESTLY believes that I SHOULD trust him because he says he is HEALED. I should just drop all of my gaurds and believe that...what is he thinking??? I am sick of this...I am hurt. What about me? My feelings and who I am? How do I get him to be honest with me? I wish someone would tell me what to look for , and how to get the truth.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Jan 21st, 2007 08:48 am |
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Look for isolation/avoidance behavior...i.e. withdrawing from you, being "at work" when there is probably no work to do,,etc. In other words, the behaviors about which you are expressing concern. This is what we have meant by trust your instincts. Yes, there is a possibility that he is no longer acting out, progressing with the SA, (though I doubt it from what you have said,) but even if he is currently free of acting out, the marriage is, based on what you have said, in serious trouble, in just my opinion.
I hope that you have had a chance to follow the links I have put in a couple of my other replies to you, as the one in the churches forum outlines some ideals you might draw from to suggest working toward with your H, and the pureintimacy.org has a wealth of information about roots of addiction, identifying addictive behavior, and healing relationships. family.org and troubledwith.com also have articles about pornography/sa. I am taking as a given that you have read the articles and newsletters here on blazinggrace. In respect of copyrighted material, I cannot just copy and paste, and do not have the time to summarize, basically reinventing the wheel.
I guess I shouldn't write this late when I am subject to being tired and grumpy. I hope there has been something useful in this, and that you will forgive any turseness. I am going to be insanely busy over the next week and a half, but will try to check in here, and pray for you as well.
TruthSeeker
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