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10yearsofhurt
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 02:27 am |
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I do not even know where to begin. My husband and I each have our flaws. Mine was money. I spent it faster then he could earn it and in 8 years I did some damage to our credit and finances. After sharing with him one night we decided to have him take over everything. He has the only debit card, all checks are in his name and we both get allowances and discuss toghther how our money will be spent. It has taken 3 years but he now is starting to trust me again. I liked the arrangement and it took so much stress off of me that I could then focus on our beautiful children and being the mom I wanted to be. Over the past 10 years he has had a computer porn addiction (he doesn't see it as an adiction becasue it is only about once a month). It started when we had our first child, we were both working 40+ hours a week and he worked days and my schedule varied becasue I worked in sales. One night I could not sleep and got onto our computer and started looking for a game that I did not know was removed. That is when I found over 200 pictures downloaded. Once I confronted him he said it was becasue I was not there for him and he did not want to force me into anything when he knew I was exhausted working and being mom. We realized then we were in a vicious circle. I needed tenderness from him to feel intimate and he needed me to be intimate with him in order for him to feel tenderness towards me. Neither of us were getting what we needed from the other so we worked hard on this. Several years passed and I thought things were okay until about 5 years ago when I started finding things on our computer. Over the past 5 years it has been an off and on struggle for him, and me. I find myself policing his history and cookies (he works on computer secutiry so he knows how to hid things). But every once in awhile he slips.
A year ago we started therapy ( for a short while) and I shared with him that it hurts me. I do not wear the size 5 that I did when we got married and my self esteem is easily bruised. He agreed that he realized that he was hurting me and world try to stop. Over the past year I have found about 5 times he has slipped and last night was number 6. He started crying and asking me if I was going to leave him and I said no. I dearly love my husband but by telling him no I feel like I am enabling him to slip again and figure that I will just forgive him and continue the cycle. I am trying to cope and have read so much today my hear hurts (or maybe it is from the crying).
I am now finding myself being passive agressive. This morning I made sure that he was standing there as I took my depression medication as well as while I renewed my perscription. Then I spend a lot of time in bed.
I am now getting myself up, telling myself that this is him problem, not mine. I love him so I will support him if he wants help with this but if he does not want to stop than we will be back at the counselor. We do not live anywhere where there is a support group close to me so I am just rambling here. Now I need to take care of myself and get myself where I can cope with this. He has hurt my trust in him and I am scared that he might take this adultry to another level but I am trying to find out ways to make myself stronger and learn to overcome his problems. Any advise?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 05:11 am |
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Welcome. There are many here who know the hurt you live with.
Pornography is not about how often you are available. That is a cop-out. It is usually about inner, often childhood, woundedness that they hide from, using porn as an anesthetic.
The counsellor is likely necessary. A bandaid approach is using filtering software, such as
http://www.safeeyes.com
for which you would have the password. History is kept on their server, so he cannot manipulate it. You can set it to report or block many types of sites. Make sure it reports to an e-mail to which he does not have access.
Is faith a factor for either of you?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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10yearsofhurt
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 07:30 am |
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So he got home tonight and my mom took our kids so we could talk (she knows nothing except I was not feeling well today). He says he does not know where I draw the line on Porn. What I found on our machine was nothing hardcore just some pictures from Maxim that he happened on while on a sports web site. He did however admit that he knew it was going to be women in various states by the name "Hometown hotties". To him it was just as bad as looking at a Victoria Secrets catalog or watching Desperate Housewives. He says that he was using that to relieve stress and that is the main reason he uses the computer to take care of himself. He tells me it has nothing to do with me.
I asked him if it was a habit that he wanted to stop or if he felt that this was more my self esteem problem. His answer was a bit of both. He feels that society says it is healthy and natural to have sexual fanitsies so he thinks it is alright. However when he is done he realizes that what he has just done will hurt me. So I was not sure what to take from that. I have let him know that I am willing to help him if he wants help. If he does not see this behavior in the same light that I do I will have to seek help to get me to where I can either live with it or leave. I do not really want to do either but I feel these are my choices.
I know some women have the "If I cant beat him join him" attitude, I just can't, or actually I won't.
Yes, I am fairly religious, his parents rarely took him to church. Believe me I have been praying about this a lot.
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henny
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 03:38 pm |
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10yearsofhurt,
I am a recovering pornography addict. If you have found out your husband's viewing of pornography 5 or 6 times in the past year, and he is in computer security, it is my belief the problem is greater than either of you may realize. I make this suggestion quite often and offer it to you; go to this web site, read it and then have your husband read it. Then tell him to quit for 3 months. If it isn't an addiction, it should be no problem. But it is an addiction, it is progressive and it will rob him of peace and the life he could live. And it will tear you apart.
Then get help. There are many suggestions here about the help available. Visit the various threads and you should find something that "fits".
God Bless you, and please realize that there are now many people praying for you and your husband.
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henny
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 03:39 pm |
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Sorry, here is the web site:
http://www.afa.net/pornography/re011303.asp
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10yearsofhurt
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 05:06 pm |
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Thanks for the reading. That was a site I have not come across yet. Here is my question: Why if he says that society says it is normal does he have to hide it? What has happened in his life to make him feel like this is something alright to do? I guess he feels that using porn in our house, alone is much better then chasing other women. His father and grandfather cheated on their wives and I think he is afraid that he might cheat too so this is his way around it? He still gets to be with other women in his mind without actually touching someone else which would then be (in his mind) officially cheating.
I am just rambling but it is helping my thought process right now. Okay, here is my passive agressive side again... my thougth is to get a bunch of Playgirls and such and have them laying around our room and tell him it is no different then what he is doing and turn the tables a bit. I guess my real problem is that he does not see this as a problem, only the fact that it hurts me and he thinks about that AFTER he is done looking and whatever!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 05:40 pm |
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An affair of the mind, the lust/pleasure, is still an affair. Anyone/thing that he uses for gratification, replacing what he should only have with you, is adultery. Yes, one can go to a beach and incidentally see lots of girls in bikinis, but seeking out pictures for private focus is a different matter completely. Drug use is rampant in our society, but that doesn't make it right, or nullify its harm.
TruthSeeker
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