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overwhelmed
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| Joined: | Fri Dec 15th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 05:56 pm |
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| I have been doing alot of reading on the subject of porn addiction. I must confess, I feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Everything I have read is so discouraging. I have been married for 1 year, together with him for 6 years. He has always been a bit "fetish-y" but I really had no idea what I was dealing with. I must admit ,I did like the attention in the begining. Of course, now that we are married I am no longer the object of his desire. I'm sure he hasn't had an affair yet. I am sure that at some point he will. Over the last year it seems that the bigger picture keeps getting BIGGER! I dont even know if I want to know anymore. I really feel like I just want to run away and never look back and forget all of this, but I do love him dearly and I wish things were different. I want to stay and work thru all of this mess but, as I said before, everything I have read is so discouraging that it seems pointless to embark on years to come of hurt and lies only to reach the same conclusion. Well, not really looking for answers, I just needed to articulate what I've been thinking the last few months.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 06:15 pm |
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Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 07:01 pm |
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There is much success with overcoming this.
For over 15 years this plagued my marriage. I was hopeless and in pain.
My husband has been free for over 6 years now. Our marriage is more than I ever could have dreamed for. I do believe that the strength of it today is do to the pain we had to overcome.
You must set boundaries of what is acceptable to you. He has to have the option to act out removed.
P
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overwhelmed
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 08:25 pm |
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| I know what you are saying but I just feel as though "policing" him or being put in the position of "babysitting" is unfair to me and unproductive. I see him eventually resenting me and seeing me as a "nag" or PITA. This would not be my husband's only vice. Unfortunately, hindsite is 20/20 and now that the bigger picture is comming into focus I really feel it's hopeless. He has made no attemps to get help. He did go to therapy for a few weeks with me but that was for OCD & anger issues. When uncomfortable things came up in therapy he stopped going. I know that I cannot be the one to "fix" him and I also know that at this point in time he will not seek help himself. So that leaves me in a very diffcult position of either leaving or staying in what I see as a very empty and unfullfilling relationship. That is where all this overwhelming hopelessness is coming from. He has thrown out his "material" at least 5 times. And frankly, even if it did make it in the garbage this last time, everything is material for him i.e. catalogs, TV commercials, gees-pantyhose wrappers. Whats the point?? But thank you so much for your support and i am happy that you and your husband overcame. Good for you guys!!
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 11:29 pm |
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I understand. I felt the same way for YEARS. I was so afraid of him resenting me, of being a prude, of him not liking me anymore. I wanted him to just want to stop.
Looking back I wonder why I was so afraid of him resenting me. Why didn't he care if I resented him for his continue betrayal. My resentment turned to rage and hate. It went so deep that it took three years into my husband's recovery for me to even begin to forgive him.
I don't police, nag or babysit my husband. I set a boundary six years ago, no more porn in our marriage. It was up to him to figure out how to do that. The burden was off of me.
Of course, after 15 years of lies and betrayal, by the time I was ready to finally say ENOUGH, I didn't care if he stayed or went. So much damage had been done. I wish that I been strong enough much sooner. It would have spared us both so much pain.
My husband thanks me today for shoving him back onto the path. He was so out of control and blinded my the porn, that he truly didn't see what he was doing.
This is not easy. This has been the hardest thing to get through for me. It tore at me at so many levels right down to having to be strong enough to say stop.
Living with a porn/sex addict is no way to live. Someone has to be strong enough to start breaking the chains.
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2for2
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 3rd, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Dec 30th, 2006 03:07 am |
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Everything related to SA is overwhelming!!!!!!!! Your husband must seek recovery and that can be one of your boundaries! You must also seek recovery for yourself. My little advice is not to give up yet if he accepts that he needs help and begins to work. I have learned that if they stay in recovery for 3-5 years, their brains will heal from the "addiction" and chances for recovery is greater. My husband finally hit bottom and ended up in an inpatient treatment program. He is actively working on his recovery along with myself. He knows that I will not stay with him if he is active in his addiction. You have to set boundaries not to punish him but to keep your self sane and safe. It will be your "unmanageablility" saver. My therapist has a little prayer that I have to say to myself everyday!!!!!!!!!!!
"God-reveal to me only what I need to know today" This has worked for me to not obsess and look for things.
Try it....I pray you find peace.
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