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henny
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Posted: Thu Dec 14th, 2006 04:21 pm |
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Praise6,
You said that on another thread, and it cut me to the heart. My wife knows about my struggle with pornography. And she has been truly wonderful. Supportive without being judgemental or condemning. But I can see the hurt in her eyes when I bring it up. I see the questions and wonder what she really feels. I've heard other women on this site and others state how degraded and unlovely they've felt in the knowledge of their husband's porn habit.
Can you tell me more? It sounds like you worked on your husband's addiction for some time before you came to the end of your rope. What happened along the way? Did it affect the intimacy between you? Did you feel unloved, or unlovely? Were there other factors?
I need to talk to my wife about this, but I hate seeing the hurt in her eyes when I bring it up. My desire is to be free of this thing, but I want to avoid causing her any additional pain.
What do you suggest? And thank you for your patience and loving manner on this site. You are a true blessing to all of us.
h
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 12:00 am |
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henny wrote:
You said that on another thread, and it cut me to the heart. My wife knows about my struggle with pornography. And she has been truly wonderful. Supportive without being judgemental or condemning. But I can see the hurt in her eyes when I bring it up. I see the questions and wonder what she really feels. I've heard other women on this site and others state how degraded and unlovely they've felt in the knowledge of their husband's porn habit.
Can you tell me more? It sounds like you worked on your husband's addiction for some time before you came to the end of your rope. What happened along the way? Did it affect the intimacy between you? Did you feel unloved, or unlovely? Were there other factors?
You sound like you have a truly wonderful wife. I was not understanding, supportive non judgemental or non condemning. I am not proud of that but it is the truth. When my husband stopped neither of us were Christians. After dealing with him and this for over 15 years into our marriage, I had become very emotional sick with my co-dependent coping skills. Our life was a mess. I was mess. It took 3 years into his recovery for me to even begin to forgive him. That coincided with our coming to Christ.
It did affect intimacy. I didn't withhold from him or he from but something worse happened. I withdrew into my own world. I learn to disconnect during "our time" together. It was never me with him but in my mind I was someone else he was with. I hope this isn't too much. It is quite painful for me. I have just recently realized that I learned to do this and have yet been able to break free.
My husband has always treated me like a princess. He has always be complimentary and truly seems to love me, BUT every time I left the home he was searching out some form of sexual acting out behavior. That sent a clear message to my young mind, at the time, that I truly was not enough. It was that which sealed my eating disorder. I don't blame him for it but it was the catalyst.
When my husband finally stopped, he just stopped. He didn't do any workshops, 12 step program, read, go to meetings or join any online support. He just stopped. He hasn't slipped. He doesn't masturbate. He is truly a changed man. At first it was just stopping to save the marriage. But when the porn fog cleared, he started to understand.
I sought support online and he says it was through my learning about this that he learned. I don't know.
He says that God finally changed him and he is no longer that man. I believe him.
Be patient with your wife. Don't slip. Trust will come back, the hurt will diminish and time will heal ONLY if you don't keep inflicting pain by slipping and using this is an addiction for an excuse. I am not saying that is what you do, I am just saying it.
Peace
P
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henny
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 12:16 am |
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Praise6,
Thank you. My chest literally hurts thinking about this thing, this addiction. I am clean and sober right now, but the fear of slipping has me searching out a men's group in order to find some support for my freedom. I actually told my wife I was having a drink with a customer last night rather than tell her I was at a Bible study for sexual addiction. I know that is crazy, but I want to have six months or a year of freedom before I go to her and tell her that I was struggling again, but I'm now clean. Lord help me.
Thanks for telling us your story. I'm glad your marriage survived.
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Dusky
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Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 04:53 am |
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henny--
As the wife of a man who used porn, please, please, PLEASE, do NOT lie to your wife. I can't believe anything my husband says because of the many lies he has told me about this since I have known him. The more lies I catch him in, the more it destroys our relationship. The painful truth is ALL I want, even if it hurts. I will never trust him until I am sure that this is what I am getting. Any more lies will tell me what I fear the most--that he is still using. If your wife finds you to be lieing, she will never believe you about anything.
btw, I am learning a great deal by reading your posts. It is good to hear the husband's point of view.
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