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bubsmamaboog
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Posted: Sat Nov 18th, 2006 06:47 pm |
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Big Sigh... where to begin ?
Well, I'm officially the spouse of a man with an addiction to porn. Oddly enough, this fact brings me a sense of relief. For a long time, I've been wondering why I've no (repeat NO) libido. Fearing that I would never again be able to experience the passion I did when my husband and I were first together. When I try to think back about when my libido first began taking a nose dive - I'm pretty sure that it was around the time that I first caught my husband in the act of "porning". I feel badly about that realization because I don't want to sound as if I'm placing the total blame on my husband for my lack of sex drive. There are other factors that I believe could be playing a part in that. But, I really do believe that his addiction is a HUGE factor.
As of yesterday morning, my husband has taken some huge steps to combat his addiction and I feel pretty confident in his ability to do better.
I think my biggest fear is my own ability to "get over it" - or I guess I should say "get beyond it". What's happened is that I've become so isolated from my husband - I actually feel turned off by him - every time he kisses me or tries to be intimate, I find myself dreading that he wants to have sex. It's become so that I dread being intimate with him at all. I feel annoyed by his advances. When we are intimate (usually because it's been so long that I feel guilty)- I find myself wondering if he's acting out something he saw on some video online. When I think about my husband looking at these images on the computer and doing whatever he's doing, I feel disgusted. Suddenly, any physical connection between my husband and I has become dirty, trashy and something that I want no part of. Suddenly, there are these disgusting women in bed with us and I don't know how to deal with that.
Will I ever be able to trust my husband again ? Will I ever feel the closeness that I felt when we were first together ? Will I ever be able to feel that any intimacy we share is between us and only us ? Will I ever be able to feel passionate with him again ? Will I ever be turned on by him again ? Will we ever be able to have a "normal" sex life again ?
There are so many questions and so many feelings that I'm only just beginning to discover. I know that I love him. I know that I want to get beyond this and return to some sense of normalcy. But, I just wonder if I'll ever be able to forget. Will this always be in my heart and mind - preventing me from feeling the closeness with my husband that I remember ?
I just feel so betrayed, sad, angry, confused, scared, guilty, alone, etc. etc, etc.
Please help.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Nov 18th, 2006 10:05 pm |
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Hi. My heart goes out to you. As I'm sure you/ve read, there are many of us in varying stages of dealing with this. The answers to your questions vary from person to person. A lot depends on the husband's commitment to recovery. Much hinges on God being sought to heal and restore. Unfortunately, I have not encountered anyone with complete amnesia, but if there any, I guess they wouldn't be here. *smile*
You may have noticed that the administrator of this site has a new book out, The Road To Grace, mentioned in the resources forum. It might be a good investment.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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lostandalone
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Posted: Wed Nov 29th, 2006 03:38 pm |
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I was just where you were a few months ago. Your story mimics mine so closely!! My husband and I have been repairing the damage in our marriage and trying to figure out how to have a healthy sex life. My husband was addicted to porn before I met him and we've never had the intimate life that God intended. We've been working hard at having intimate times without having sex (that helps me feel closer to him and want to have sex more often). I've also prayed that God would give me a greater desire for sex and he has answered that prayer. Its not easy, but you have to committed to healing yourself and trusting in God (i know that sounds all too easy) but I know if I didn't lean on God I would be in the same place that I was in the day my husband confessed (angry, hurt, full of shame, repulsed by my husband, etc). Another thing that really helped me was to talk to a few ladies from my church who have dealt with similar situations-It felt so good to get out my feelings and know that I am not the only one dealing with this problem.
One other thing that has helped us start the recovery process is my husband humility and commitment to beating this battle. I still struggle with trusting him though-an example-my husband always looked at porn on the internet after me and the kids were in bed. (he would even go to bed with me sometimes and get up after I fell asleep and then look at porn), so the other night I woke up as he was coming up from downstairs and I was really upset-he said he was just getting a drink. I had to turn my feelings over to God or I would go crazy with suspicion.
I don't know if this helps, but I think the answer to the questions that you asked are probably but it will take work both on your part and especially on your husbands part.
I will pray for you!!! Oh yeah, praying for my husband has helped me soften my heart toward him too. Also, there is a book 'Every Heart Restored' that has helped me attempt to understand my husband's battle and have a little bit of compassion for him.
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stillsad
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Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 03:50 am |
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| I want to pass along to you what my therapist told me. I think this is so true. A woman can not enjoy having sex with her husband unless she feels secure. You do not feel secure right now - nor should you. You have a long way to go and I hope you seek counseling for you and for both of you together. Obviously, your husband has to seek counseling on his own. God be with you.
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Dusky
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Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 04:40 am |
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bubs, I feel very much like you do. I'm still atracted to my husband, but any intamacy has me wondering how many whores are in bed with us. Any lack of intimacy has me wondering if he's using porn again. Despite his repentance, he still looks at other women. He says he's working on it, but it kills me every time to the point that I don't want to go anywhere with him because of it. He feels better after confessing to me six months ago when I found things and confronted him; I feel worse. I feel like his problem follows us everywhere and seeps into everything, and has destroyed our very young marriage already. While he is restoring his relationship with God, I am having nightmares and avoiding social activities with him. Where I was confident before, I now feel fat and old and ugly. He does not look at me the way he looks at other women. He likely does not touch me as often as he mb'd to whores. Sometimes I fear that we'll run into some whore he mb'd to. I wish it WAS just one real person he cheated with. Instead, it was thousands. I don't have to answers either to when or if the sexual intimacy can be restored after the truth has come out. If you figure it out, please let me know.
Dusky
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