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heartbroken
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Posted: Wed Oct 18th, 2006 09:26 pm |
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My story is much like everyone else's. Recently my husband sat me down and told me he had been struggling with porn throughout our entire relationship. We have been married 4 years and together for 9. I am only 27 years old, and met him when I was barely 18. I watched my dad have affairs on my mom my whole life and I was determined to marry an "upright", faithful Christian man who wouldn't hurt me the way my father had. My husband and I had been going to church together, growing, talking about God, and trying to have what I thought was an open and honest relationship. I confided in him all my hurts, all my fears and all my wounds. He knew my greatest wound was watching my father's unfaithfulness. Honesty and sexual purity were probably my BIGGEST priorities in marriage and he knew it. He played the role well, even helped me lead a 20-something group on sexual purity. We would have conversations about sexual purity and he would always say it wasn't a struggle for him. My pastor brought up pornography in our church and my husband acted shocked that it would be a problem for anyone. So when he sat me down and told me he had been masturbating to porn for our entire relationship, I was shocked. And it didn't stop there. He wasn't fully honest even then of the extent of his addiction so the next few months proved to be filled with assault after assault as he SLOWLY revealed the truth. One minute he is saying he absolutely never stepped foot in a strip club. Then I find out he had. Then I find out he bought a lap dance while he was there. Then I find out he stole money to do it. It just kept getting worse.
I know I sound like everyone else and my story is not unique which is why I have a hard time giving myself permission to grieve. The problem is, because I'm not speaking up about how much this hurts, no one understands. I have a pastor who is pushing me towards forgiveness and grace but can't recognize the hurt I feel. I have a husband who is making amazing changes and is ready for me to move on but I can't. And I feel like I'm angrier now than I used to be. I feel like I'm going backwards. Also, the little white lies that I've discovered my husband tells haven't stopped. I believe him that he has been successful in his lust addiction but he still lies about other things which just sends me into a dowward spiral all over again.
I feel so much pain, hurt and depression and no one gets it. It's sad because if you lose a family member, people are at your door with food, and flowers and cards and all kinds of support but when this happens it feels like you just grieve alone. None of my friends appreciate the impact it has. My pastor, who has experienced his own struggles in his past, seems to compare me to his wife and how she handled it, which was apparently much better than me. And my husband feels like I just keep beating him up for something he is trying to fix. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. This affects everyone woman differently and for me, it's been devastating. There's so much support out there for men but women are just expected to get over it, hold their husbands hand and help them through their struggle. I don't know how to do that right now. I am deeply hurt and I don't want to feel ashamed of that. I just want help.
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Triplel
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Posted: Wed Oct 18th, 2006 10:06 pm |
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I feel your pain. The time frames of your story are similar to my husbands and mine. I too am having a hard time getting over the pain, but with time i think we can do it. Huggs to you, and i hope that you at least don't feel alone now that you found this site.
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heartbroken
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Posted: Wed Oct 18th, 2006 10:56 pm |
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| Thank you for empathizing with me. It IS nice to know I'm not alone!
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Triplel
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 12:34 pm |
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I have felt alone for so many years, and it wasn't until i found this site that i began to understand that i am not alone. It does help to be able to talk to others who know how you feel, and understand. How are you today? I know it is different for me every day. Today i am going to be busy and out of the house, so i hope it will be ok. Let us know how you are doing!
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heartbroken
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 04:39 pm |
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I'm doing better today. I made my husband read what I wrote yesterday and some of the other posts as well. The ONLY time I got a reaction from him was to your response when you said "huggs to you"...it made him choke up a little and he said it was because it was hard for him to hear someone else comforting me over something HE did. I tried to explain to him last night that I need him to GO THERE and remember what he's done so that he could know what I was feeling. I read a post on here somewhere with the suitecase analogy (did you read that?) It made so much sense and it really helped start him see how much hurt and pain I'm carrying around. I still don't think he gets it, which is hard but talking about it helped. I still think I need counseling or even life coaching so I'm looking into that.
How are you doing? Where do you and your husband stand now? You know, my mom is training to be a life coach and will have her certification soon. Not sure if that's something you would be interested in but she needs to coach some people (free of charge) to get her hours up. If you feel like you need someone to talk to and have no one...she might be able to help.
Hope you're doing OK today
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heartbroken
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 04:39 pm |
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I'm doing better today. I made my husband read what I wrote yesterday and some of the other posts as well. The ONLY time I got a reaction from him was to your response when you said "huggs to you"...it made him choke up a little and he said it was because it was hard for him to hear someone else comforting me over something HE did. I tried to explain to him last night that I need him to GO THERE and remember what he's done so that he could know what I was feeling. I read a post on here somewhere with the suitecase analogy (did you read that?) It made so much sense and it really helped start him see how much hurt and pain I'm carrying around. I still don't think he gets it, which is hard but talking about it helped. I still think I need counseling or even life coaching so I'm looking into that.
How are you doing? Where do you and your husband stand now? You know, my mom is training to be a life coach and will have her certification soon. Not sure if that's something you would be interested in but she needs to coach some people (free of charge) to get her hours up. If you feel like you need someone to talk to and have no one...she might be able to help.
Hope you're doing OK today
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Triplel
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 06:37 pm |
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hello! I am glad to hear that you are doing better. time definatly helps heal. I haven't read the suitcase post, but i will have to look for it. I have a 5 month old, and 10 year old, so my time online is kinda limited in short increments, but i will have to search for that one. That is good that your husband is communicating with you about this. Mine likes to pretty much not talk about it. We did talk last night though and he told me he doesn't have faith in God, and doesn't know if he even believes. That was hard for me to hear considering i am trying to set up a baptism for our baby. But, i know that i can do what i have to do for myself and children and i am trying to focus on the children and myself. I will have to say that i am glad that me telling you huggs gave your husband a reaction. i know how you feel, and that is why i know that you could use some hugs. It is hard to have all of these emotions and feelings. I too have been thinking about councling or something. I need to talk to someone who can help. I feel so hopeless, and aggrivated all at the same time, because i don't know what else to do. As for me and my husband, and where we stand, he is pretty much making a mockery of the situation in my opinion, but at the same time he seems sincere. I am not sure yet. All i know is that i love him, and i think that is why it all hurts so much. I hope that you have a great day, and i will talk to you again soon. HUGSSSSSSSSSS to you from me. 
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heartbroken
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 06:50 pm |
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I have a 10 month old daughter...so I know about the time online being hard! When I get on the computer, she comes over and tries to bang on the keyboard HA HA. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your husband isn't quite on your side with everything. That must be hard. If you decide you want to talk to my mom, she is an amazing life coach. It's like counseling, only better - no judgment, no "this is what you need to do"...she believes that the answers are all inside of us, we just need someone who cares enough to ask the right questions to let us find them. She can't help me because she is too invested in my situation but she can help others. And she's been down this road too. That might not be what you need right now, but it is an option if you think you need someone to talk to.
Is your husband reading any books on sex addiction or making an effort to see why this is so damaging to family?
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heartbroken
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 06:50 pm |
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I have a 10 month old daughter...so I know about the time online being hard! When I get on the computer, she comes over and tries to bang on the keyboard HA HA. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your husband isn't quite on your side with everything. That must be hard. If you decide you want to talk to my mom, she is an amazing life coach. It's like counseling, only better - no judgment, no "this is what you need to do"...she believes that the answers are all inside of us, we just need someone who cares enough to ask the right questions to let us find them. She can't help me because she is too invested in my situation but she can help others. And she's been down this road too. That might not be what you need right now, but it is an option if you think you need someone to talk to.
Is your husband reading any books on sex addiction or making an effort to see why this is so damaging to family?
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heartbroken
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 06:50 pm |
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I have a 10 month old daughter...so I know about the time online being hard! When I get on the computer, she comes over and tries to bang on the keyboard HA HA. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your husband isn't quite on your side with everything. That must be hard. If you decide you want to talk to my mom, she is an amazing life coach. It's like counseling, only better - no judgment, no "this is what you need to do"...she believes that the answers are all inside of us, we just need someone who cares enough to ask the right questions to let us find them. She can't help me because she is too invested in my situation but she can help others. And she's been down this road too. That might not be what you need right now, but it is an option if you think you need someone to talk to.
Is your husband reading any books on sex addiction or making an effort to see why this is so damaging to family?
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Triplel
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Posted: Thu Oct 19th, 2006 07:30 pm |
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HAHA That is great that your daughter trys banging on the keyboard! I bet she is so cute doing it too! To answer your question, no my husband isn't reading any books. He doesn't think he has a problem. And, it is very difficult to communicate with him. He closes himself off. That bothers me ... have to have open lines always, not just when it suits him. One day at a time!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Oct 20th, 2006 12:35 am |
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Hi Brokenhearted,
My stomach turns over and my chest feels heavy every time I read a new, but familiar story. Yes, the intensity and duration of the pain differ for each of us, but the physical symptoms of our anguish are quite similar.
I can certainly understand that the duplicity, the hypocrisy, have greatly magnified your sense of betrayal. It is not like this is something that had never been talked about. I am grateful that, I presume, he came under the conviction of the Holy Spirit and confessed, as it would, I think, have been still worse had you discovered it and had to confront him.
I hope that he is seeking help from someone other than your pastor, who does not seem to grasp the full spectrum of the issues involved. Have you spoken with the pastor's wife? If so, does she seem more compassionate? Perhaps her feelings ran deeper than her husband realized.
Your husband needs an accountability partner that is not you, and you need support and someone to vent with that is not him. Part of healing a relationship involves acknowledging pain that has been inflicted and asking forgiveness. That does not mean that you will be ready to grant it as soon as he asks. That does not mean you are beating him up, but that the wound is very deep, and needs delicate suturing, not a quick kiss and a bandaid.
I found several helpful articles at:
http://www.pureintimacy.org
They were not so much about how to heal, but gave me a lot of insight in to the roots of addictive behavior, which often stem from disfunction.
Many people have mentioned that they have found Celebrate Recovery to be a helpful program, possibly for either partner, though I wouldn't think that both at the same time would be good.
I pray that God will guard your heart, mind and spirit from the enemy as you heal. I also pray that your H will continue to move forward in his recovery.
TruthSeeker
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wishingwell
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Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 04:56 am |
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| I felt like I was reading a rewrite of my own story as I read your post. I can only say that I understand how you feel and the impact it has had on your core being. It is not a light matter and you have every right to grieve. I never knew I could cry so hard or be so angry or feel so violated. I had always said if I ever caught my husband cheating in any way it would be OVER....and then there I was....and suddenly I was the queen of rationalization. He didn't (so he says) actually have sex with anyone physically so ......I had never been a snoopy wife.....suddenly I was scanning the computer compulsively looking for any shred of evidence...I visited the sites he looked at....(if you haven't done that ...DON"T) I searched the house...the internet....and the secrets kept getting exposed...the little lies are still an issue but he is working on it. The good news is that the devastation that was me about 5 months ago is slowly and painfully re-erecting. You will heal in your own time...not his or anyone else's time but your own....I have found that in working with a therapist, reconnecting with the church and focusing on my recovery not his...I am learning about myself. I can't control what goes on in my husbands thoughts(as much as I want to) but I can focus on healing myself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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heartbroken
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Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 03:04 pm |
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| Thank you so much for your response - it's so true that you have to focus on your own healing...I have not been going to counseling which I think is part of my problem. I need to do that. We have been working things out and I do believe he's better...it's just getting over the anger of the past that's so difficult. Again thank you for your words of encouragement - it can be so healing just to know you are not alone!
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