| Author | Post |
|---|
LostinVegas
Member
|
Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 04:30 am |
|
Hello, I am new, and I have read almost every post on this site. I got engaged to the man of my dreams, moved in with him, and then found out about his addiction to porn. I realize after joining this group that nothing I have been through or felt is unique in dealing with this problem. I have no self esteem left. I believe nothing he says. I tried to fix it by doing anything he wanted in bed, cried, pleaded, demanded that he stop. Nothing works. There are local las vegas "escorts" in his contacts online. He says he does not know how they got there. There are the women he calls and lies about, porn hidden in the car, online, the closet. He says he has never cheated on me, but he also said over and over he stopped watching porn and calling other women. I left him 4 months ago, he wanted me to come home, but still continued to lie, watch porn, and call other women. He tells me I am over reacting, and that I should have better self esteem, and just accept it. It seems now that maybe he is starting to understand, he is going back to therapy, a psychiatrist, and hopefully a group. I have agreed to go with him. I still love him. After reading all of your stories, and seeing how so many of you have suffered and hurt for YEARS, my question is...do I stay? How do you recover? How do you trust again? I see that many of these men stop, and then months or years later start all over. I don't know if I can take it. How do you make that choice? I am scared. I admire you all. I hope I can be as strong.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: |    |
|
Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 05:16 pm |
|
Hi LostInVegas,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I wasn't clear on whether you are still separated, but if you are, I would definitely stay that way for quite a while to observe him in recovery. If you are in the home with him, I guess it is still wait and see. The chances of having a healthy relationship are proportional to his commitment to recovery.
Trust only begins to emerge once trustworthiness is shown over a length of time. I pray that he will follow through, and that you will heal from this pain.
TruthSeeker
|
LostinVegas
Member
|
Posted: Mon Sep 25th, 2006 07:13 pm |
|
I am not in the house still. It drives me crazy that he still lies so much. He's admitted he has a problem, but still lies about a lot of the things he's done, even in the face of evidence. I don't want to think he has been with prositutes, however, he googled las vegas escorts, and then they are in his e mail and IM contacts. Am I naive to believe he hasn't been with them? I feel as if I will never be able to move forward unless he tells me the truth about everything. He hides his phone and phone bill, and everytime I ask to see it, he cries and has panic attacks. His tears are not affecting me much anymore, as it never changes anything. Advise please?
|
captivated
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 417 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Sep 25th, 2006 09:08 pm |
|
Yikes! That is a huge load of "evidence" for you to step over Lostin Vegas! I'm so sorry!  Before I comment further, you said he was going for therapy....what would he say the reason is he's going? Is he doing this so you'll move back? I'm really praying for you!
About trust....I think it depends on each case.....in some ways I don't know that we can ever trust anyone....but I do know for certain that God can be trusted....with our hearts....our lives....AND our spouses! I'm not sure that I've heard this very often here, but it is a Biblical principal.....I'm actually thankful for the pain.....without what I've been through, I would not be the same woman I am today....and am becoming! It's been really hard...and really long...lots of tears......lots of prayers, but also lots of blessings I'd never have otherwise known. God's provided so much for me in HIMself most of all....and I may never have known what it is to be intimately in love with the King of the Universe through His Holy Spirit were it not for this pain which drove me to seek Him...to seek counseling.....to seek out healthy friendships....etc...... Still, the consequences of the years of porn affect our marriage greatly and I do have some pain over it still, but I also continue to see my God come and intervene in ways I could not have on my own...and also continue to work in me. So, I never would trade this joy....peace....love and love for others.....or freedom I feel for any other path. If you're unsure of what to do, I'd wait. If separated, then wait to see his actions, don't believe his words (not that you are)...but I would not divorce.....not yet. There are so many plagued with this addiction, if you have a man who will begin to seek healing and continue to go for counseling, join a men's group, etc...then I'd wait.
What about you? You will need support as you recover, no matter what he chooses to do. I'd suggest someone experienced in the area of recovery from sexual addictions because they will understand your situation best....I'd also recommend a Christian counselor because we all need God as we go through this. Were it not for Him, I would still be an angry, hateful, bitter woman....or someone may have been dead by now  , BUT I am so very thankful to say, this is not the case!!!! 
With compassion and prayer,
Captivated
|
LostinVegas
Member
|
Posted: Mon Sep 25th, 2006 10:10 pm |
|
Thank you so much for your kind words. Very helpful to me. I begged him to go for 9 months to counceling, I've been gone for 4, he just finally said yes. At first it was because of me, but now he said he needs the help. I am still in the bitter angry stage. He keeps telling me I should be understanding, and helpful. I tried that in the beginning, and now I am just hateful. I go for days being nice, but then something will remind me of the lies, or he will tell me a new one, and I get verbally vicious to him. Does anyone else do this? Am I just a horrible person? Normally I am very compassionate and understanding in general to everyone, but this has hurt me so much I have trouble bringing it out in myself, I just feel mean and hateful. I want to stop. I know it can't be helpful to either one of us. I think deep down inside he hates women. I think he likes seeing them degraded in porn. Outwardly he speaks very well of his mother, and is respectful to women in general, but when he is angry, he says I am "just like all the rest of them".
Still Lost in Vegas
Last edited on Mon Sep 25th, 2006 10:15 pm by LostinVegas
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Sep 26th, 2006 02:07 pm |
|
Captivated, I always appreciate your thoughtful wisdom. You are so right. God may bless us through some human relationships, but only He will meet all our needs and never let us down.
LostInVegas, I would definitely keep distant. I understand that you may want to wait and see, but it could be just as well to skip the idea of marrying him, take LOTS of time to heal, with counsel for yourself as Captivated suggested, and wait as patiently as possible for God to bring a man into your life who will love you and only you, and be capable of having a healthy relationship.
Still praying...
TruthSeeker
|
captivated
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 417 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Sep 26th, 2006 05:49 pm |
|
LostInVegas,
No, you're not horrible for the things you're feeling! God's design is for marriage to be sacred with one man and one woman for life, so anything else will bring about anger in us, brokeness, grieving, etc... It is possible to get beyond these gripping feelings though as you heal and seek God and get the support you need to in the process.
I'm a little confused though....are you married to this man yet or still engaged? If engaged, I'd agree with truthseeker and distance more. This man is confusing your emotions by some of the things he's saying and doing so I believe you will heal better and faster in counseling if you are able to "shut him and his influence out" of the picture for a while. If in time, he's chosen healing and purity over the porn....and knowing this will take time....then perhaps things will work out, but I'd wait long and hard and not dwell on those possibilities or allow him to hope in it either until/unless he proves himself by his actions.
Let us know what you plan to do so we can pray, which we are!
Captivated
|
LostinVegas
Member
|
Posted: Tue Sep 26th, 2006 09:16 pm |
|
Thank you again so much. We were engaged, not married, and I have now cut him out of my life. Yesterday he reached out to me, and I was going to run to the rescue, until I found out that once again, I was just a number on a list of women he called for help. He is calling me a coward, and says I left when he needed me most. I can't share like that! He makes me feel wrong and mean for wanting to be the only woman in his life. Thank you for your prayers and advise. I am so glad I found this site, and the wonderful people on it. He won't stop calling me, and baiting me to argue and trying to make me feel guilty. I am tired of crying!
|
captivated
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 417 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Sep 27th, 2006 02:01 am |
|
Honestly, LostInVegas,
This man's behavior is emotionally abusive to you. You are right to draw boundaries....to not take his calls. He's not thinking clearly or healthily right now and it will only drag you down! Don't listen to him! In God's eyes, He doesn't want anyone to be treated this way....and you are not married yet....if you were, my suggestions may be different even if the treatment is still wrong, but you are not!
So, what do you plan to do for your own healing now that he's out of the picture?
With great care,
Captivated
|
LostinVegas
Member
|
Posted: Wed Sep 27th, 2006 02:21 am |
|
Dear Captivated, I know I need help. I am going to go to the therapist we started to go to together, who specializes in sexual addictions. I try not to listen to him, but it's getting to me. As if I have not lost enough self esteem, he seems to want the little that's left. I have an appointment on Monday. I have wished him well, and I honestly hope that he gets better and has a wonderful life. He says he has to call "them" because my support is not dependable. I pointed out that the only time I have withdrawn my support was when I found out (again and again) that there are still other women involved. He says he has no one, to make me feel bad I guess, because it's obvious that he has a phone book full of other women, and everytime he gets upset, he calls them one after another. I wish I could leave the state and dissapear right now and forget any of this ever happened. As always, thank you for your help. Wish me luck and strenght, I really need it.  I wish he could see clearly what his behavior has done to me, to the wonderful relationship we had.
|
captivated
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 417 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Sep 27th, 2006 12:39 pm |
|
LostinVegas,
I am glad you've scheduled something to help yourself climb out of this. Continue to not listen to him....don't take his calls....everything he's saying sounds destructive to your heart and you'll need to guard your heart against his attacks so you can heal. The flip side of this is that this man is confused and feeding you things that aren't true. Don't believe these lies! Immerse yourself with Truth! 
I'm re-reading a book right now to take care of some of my own heart issues....it may bless you. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Elderedge. It helps us understand more about our core longings as women and how we are to meet them in a way which brings healing, Life, etc.....
Well, let us know how it goes!
Prayerfully,
Captivated
|
BrokenDiva
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Sep 28th, 2006 08:31 pm |
|
If your not married to him, have moved out and he is still active in his behaviour.....keep moving....I would end the relationship and move on. There are many men out there I am sure who can love and apprieciate you for who you are
Even if he quits, gets help and you remain with him....trust me and what you read here in the forums......the real heartbreak is just beginning
thats just my opinion
take care and be good to yourself above all else
|
Current time is 07:37 pm | |
|
|
|
RSS