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MusicAngel
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 09:29 pm |
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| My husband admitted to looking at pornography about six months ago. He told me that two months before we were married he began looking at the computer. During our four years of marriage, he has continued his addiction through many avenues, and it has had some very serious effects on our marriage. We are rarely intimate together, and when we are it is forced and fast for my husband. I went through all of the normal reactions of losing weight, running away, buying the outfits to get his attention...blah blah blah. Well, now that he has admitted his mistake and is seeking help, everyone tells me that I am supposed to just poof flip a switch and forget all the pain and suffering. Everyone seems to think that, well, the porn is gone, so the problem must be fixed. I DO NOT THINK SO! Sex addiction is a symptom of an heart issue or is it? I don't know. As a woman, when I run to something to make me feel better or meet my needs, I am doing it to solve something that hurts in my heart. Is it the same for men? And, if so, how long do we wait around and hurt? The thought of him touching me makes me physically ill, especially after I begged for his touch for so many years. Do you continue to dig deeper and deeper for an heart issue, or is it simply an addiction and need for physical release?
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HealingRain
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 09:41 pm |
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Hi musicangel,
Personally, I think its a deeper issue. I don't see this as simply about physical release. It wouldn't be so life altering if that was all it was. And it does alter just about every aspect of life... right? At least that is how it has been with me and my family.
I am in the beginning stages of all of this... just 3 weeks in, and actually only a few days into my husbands aknowledgement of a bigger issue.... so I can't offer much advice. All I know, for me... I believe if the real issues aren't addressed, we can't and won't have closure, healling.. nothing. So, I am pressing deeper and deeper for the heart of it all.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 11:26 pm |
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Sexual addiction is without question a much deeper issue for men who struggle with it. If a man only focuses on stopping his behavior, he'll be nothing more than a "dry drunk" with the same issues (insecurity? inability to handle life hardships? hurt? pride? self-absorption? unwillingness to give his life to God? etc.) hampering him.
My input to you is not to "just poof flip a switch and forget all the pain and suffering." In almost all cases, a spouse of sex addict will really need to do some emotional/spiritual work herself to work through the pain, hurt, mistrust, deceit, etc. that has been heaped on her.
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 02:35 pm |
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Steve is right, it is deeper. No you can not just flip a switch and it be gone. Lord only knows I wish I could do that. The first steps to healing is to realize that his addiction has nothing to do with how you look or act. Most of the time it starts in early childhood.
For my husband it started very early, being the youngest boy and viewing porn at an early age. somewhere along that line he lost respect for women. He started looking at them as objects and not humans. No matter how much we try and change our self's if they are an addict, it will not help.
I have learned that not only did my husband need help, but so did I. Because of the way I was feeling because of his addiction. Pain does not cease just because the action stops. It takes time. Try telling a mother of a dying child once that child has passed that she should get over it and stop feeling.
The good news as bad as it might sound is the fact that you are hurt, now don't take me wrong. I am so sorry your in pain. But the pain lets us know that somewhere deep inside we still care about our husbands.
This is my second marriage. My first cheated on me for over 17 years. I hurt at first, but at some point I became numb. When my ex did leave for another women sad to say but I was happy he was gone.
My husband now, says to me one night "I really wish you would stop crying and being hurt." I told him that was my biggest fear, not feeling anything, because I know once I reach that state of dumbness that I have lost the love for my husband.
Jesus made a statement, not sure of the verse right off hand, but He said "Your cup is clean on the outside, but inside your full of dead mans bones." I think that is how it is for the men who view porn and stop, but never try to get help for the reasons they were looking to start with. They look clean but on the inside it is still ugly and I think Jesus used "dead men's bones" for the pure fact that what is inside them is spiritually killing them and speaking death to every one bound to them.
I will pray for you and your husband sweetie.
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wishingwell
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Posted: Sat Aug 19th, 2006 04:41 am |
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| Oh my goodness, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts! I too wonder when this pain will end and if I will ever be able to welcome my husband's touch again. Part of me wants to punish him with no sex and part of me is terrified that if I don't give in soon he will act out and it will be my fault. My husband also pushed me off intimately because he was engaging porn and web cams. I just want you to know that someone else feels your pain and I am hopeful that if our husbands are commited to recovery and we are commited to ours that someday we will be rewarded for our efforts. I suspect that the issues are deeper also but I am so new to all this I am not sure if my views are "untainted" by my fruatration and skepticsim. I will pray for you.
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rebellm37
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 11:20 am |
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| I would bet my bottom dollar that your husband was using pornography well before you came on the scene. It usually starts when they are teenagers. This by no means gives him an excuse to be doing it now and disrespecting your feelings. My husband used pornogrpahy behind my back. I was absolutely shocked,hurt and devastated when I discovered this part of his secret life. I lost all trust in him and added to this is the fact that he always flatly denied using it even though I had the proof. I became obsessed myself by continuously looking for clues that he was still using it and I always found out that he was. I found him once masturbating over an actress on a video we watched that night together. How could he? I was in the bloody bedroom ready for him. Since then I am constantly looking for hints that he finds other women more attractive than me. I am constantly catching him eyeing other women when we are out together. I hate it. I dont have to look at other men so why does he? He told me that he thought about having sex with the porno actresses when he watched the films. That made me feel ill to my stomach! But he claimed he doesnt want to have sex with another woman at all....go figure! Before all this came to light we had a great sexual relationship. at least 4 times a week. watched porn together. occassionly went to swingers parties and I was always dressing up in lingerie for him as well as doing things like dressing in a see through dresses and wandering around the house to tease him. Obviously my efforts werent enough as he still masturbated over other women and porn. Id hated to think what goes through his mind whe he is using the pics or video. I am also looking out for attractive women in public and then look at him to see if he is checking them out. Its got to the stage that I hate to go out with him. Its horrible living like this and always punishing myself.4 years have passed and I am still just as hurt about what he did and I have lost all trust in him. I dont know if he does it now or not but I wouldnt be surprised as he continued to use porn after it caused major problems in our relationship. I gave him sexy pics of myself before the porn trouble came to the surface, I asked him why didnt he use my pics to masturbate over instead and he said he forgot all about them. I was devastated. How could he forget pics of his own wife who he was supposed to love. I brace myself for the next time I catch him using porn. Its like Im waiting for it to happen so I wouldn t be so shocked when its discovered. I dont think I will ever get over what he did to me. I torture myself with the thoughts every day.I dont go to any trouble to try to turn him on anymore. I dont dress up for him anymore or dress sexily because he doesnt deserve it. We use to have sex 4-5 times a week. but my attitude to sex has been changed forever. I hope you get over what he did to you but dont be surprised if you dont. Its a matter of if you can live with him after this or not.
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henny
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 05:00 pm |
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MusicAngel,
I am a recovering sex addict. My advice to you is to immediately, as soon as you get this message go to this website:
http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html
Although Al Anon started as an organization dedicated to those who suffer with a loved one who is an alcoholic, the benefits of this program extend to anyone suffering with a loved one with an addiction of any kind. This problem is not yours. Dressing sexily, offering yourself as some kind of "cure", beating yourself up as though your inadequacies are at the root of your husbands problems are all symptomatic of your participation in his addiction.
The central truth you need to know is that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it. This is HIS addiction. And although this may be a painful realization, there's not much you can do about it. It is his to choose to deal with, at which time you can be supportive.
But, you need to get help for yourself. Al Anon will show you a path to peace. I know that may sound corny or pie-in-the-sky lofty and dreamy. But, after dealing with the addictions of one of my loved ones, Al Anon was the only thing that restored my sanity.
And, believe me, part of what you are experiencing is a form of insanity. I may be wrong, but if you find yourself obsessing about this thing, it's impact on your life, how you can "fix" it, cure it, control, it, etc, etc, you need help.
Go get it.
God Bless
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alpha
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Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 06:42 pm |
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Same principle, but specifically for loved ones of sexual addicts
http://www.sanon.org
My wife has gone to one and it has been very valuable to her to know that she is not alone and not crazy.
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2for2
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Posted: Sat Dec 30th, 2006 02:55 am |
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| I have been going to sanon for about 6 months. If you have a group in your area I urge you to attend. It has also saved me in so many ways. I have also recently joined a group with a therapist that specifically specializes in wives of sex addicts. It is very educational and I am learning so much more than I ever imagined. She has worked with Patrick Carnes. What I am learning is...yes it is so much more than a release. It is an intimacy disorder, they have a distortion about the reality of relationships. Most fail at bonding and are unable to attach appropriately. I wish you luck and continue to pray to your higher power for guidance!
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Broken Angel
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Posted: Sat Jan 20th, 2007 02:55 am |
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Sex addiction is a very real deep down issue....and as most of us know, painful. I will not tell you to suck it up, forget your pride, set aside your moral's or ask you to flip a switch to forget. Sex addiction affects everybody and every day lives. This is something that happens in early teen years, fears of rejection, hurts & hang-up's, let downs, porno material, magazines, well ya get the idea. My advice to you is to seek help for yourself and understanding of his affliction. You need a support group that can talk these issues through, and he needs a SAA program to get help...Prayer helps too! Most importantly, remember that this is not your fault. My prayers are with you.
Sex Addicts Anonymous
12-Step Program and Other Recovery Related Links
God be with you...
Also read this...John & Stasi Eldredge - Captivating (for you)
John & Stasi Eldredge - Wild at heart (for him)
I will be praying for you...
Broken
Broken
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