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HealingRain
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 08:24 pm |
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I have been having nightmares... very disturbing ones that I won't go into very much detail about. They include many many women acting out things in front of my husband, and he of course is pleasing himself.... I am tied to a chair watching the entire thing. They are beyond comprehension.
I have these nightmares every night and I wake up physically Ill, sobbing, and usually end up in the bathroom vomiting.
Have any of you had similar residual effects of this on your lives? If so, what did you do to help the situation? I am prone to nightmares, and have night terrors, so I am not surprised its manifesting itself in this way... I just wish I knew how to make it stop.
Thanks!
HealingRain
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 09:37 pm |
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Yikes! I'm very sorry about your nightmares! 
My first line of questions would go along this line:
1) Have you ever had any kind of sleep disorder? (Too much sleep, not enough sleep, etc.)
2) Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental health conditions, particularly in the area of depression, anxiety, or perhaps post-traumatic stress disorder?
3) Any other physical conditions one should know about in order to help you?
Secondly, my only input, on a very practical level, is to pray before going to sleep. That's worked for me to have peaceful dreams. To really claim the work of Jesus Christ and His peace in my thought life as I slept.
Thirdly, I am convinced our dreams sometimes give us a glimpse of what we're experiencing way down deep in our hearts.
4) What is your situation with your husband like right now? What's the quality of your relationship?
5) Is he in recovery? ("Recovery" means he is doing some or all of the following as examples: 1) He is actively working on getting free of his addiction, 2) He is seeing a mentor/counselor, 3) He participates in a growth/accountability group, 4) He is showing changed behaviors, habits, attitudes and communication in many areas of his life.)
6) Are there unresolved emotional and/or spiritual issues that you are working on? Or perhaps that you should be taking a look at?
I hurled a lot of questions your way. I hope something was helpful.
All the best,
Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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HealingRain
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 10:18 pm |
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Wow... thank you for your reply.. you have given me alot to consider and think about. Alot that I was actually not wanting to address... there for needs to be! I am going to go ahead and answer these questions as sort of an accountability that I am addressing these issues. If I don't, I would probably just walk away and leave this alone.. hoping to just "come upon" an answer.
1) Have you ever had any kind of sleep disorder? (Too much sleep, not enough sleep, etc.)
Yes... just about everything, except too much sleep. I started sleep walking when I was a child, which transitioned to night terrors and insomnia.
2) Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental health conditions, particularly in the area of depression, anxiety, or perhaps post-traumatic stress disorder?
yes.. depression and anxiety... and I do suspect post-traumatic though I have not been diagnosed.
3) Any other physical conditions one should know about in order to help you?
I can honestly say no here! HAHA! unless maybe I should consider my epilepsy.
4) What is your situation with your husband like right now? What's the quality of your relationship?
I don't honestly know how to answer this. Our relationship is pretty strained, but I feel we are finally walking together in healing. I love my husband, and I am accepting that he does love me despite all of this. We are both very commited to our marriage and our family. I really honestly don't know. Can we walk hand in hand? No, he is afraid to touch me. Do we laugh and joke with one another? yeah, at times though it is hard for me to do this, I still try. Are we spending time together? yes and no.. there isn't much personal time that isn't spent on this problem right now. It doesn't start out that way, but always turns to it. Not always by my doing either. So, the quality of our relationship...Strained.
5) Is he in recovery? ("Recovery" means he is doing some or all of the following as examples: 1) He is actively working on getting free of his addiction, 2) He is seeing a mentor/counselor, 3) He participates in a growth/accountability group, 4) He is showing changed behaviors, habits, attitudes and communication in many areas of his life.)
yes... and I feel very confidant answering with a yes. He is actively working on this. He is in the beginning of it all.. but I see him dedicated to recovery. He is not under a counselor or mentor right now, but it is something we are looking into. No growth or accountability group either, though he is considering taking this to his father. Just considering that shows he is very serious with this. I am seeing alot of changes in him daily. He has let go of some of the anger and is no longer throwing everything on me or anyone else. He is actually thinking on all this and finding answers, not excuses. That in itself is a big change! There are more changes, but I will leave it there for now.
6) Are there unresolved emotional and/or spiritual issues that you are working on? Or perhaps that you should be taking a look at?
Probably... most definitely. I have many issues. Alot of which have resurfaced because of this. Oh my, ok... just had a revelation of my own here. I am projecting old on top of new. It actually explains alot of what is going on in the dreams... Which explains the physical reaction I am having. This isn't just my reaction to my husbands addiction, but also because of past stuff in my life. I had just assumed that it was only the one thing, I never even stopped to consider anything else.
I am pretty sure that is where you were going with this.. and I sincerely thank you for that. I am a complete believer that knowledge can set you free.. and untill you understand the root of something, you can't begin to make it better... or for this sort of thing, make it stop.
I will be praying tonight before going to bed, like you suggested.. and will be working on the old issues I thought I had resolved. Handing them over to God.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 11:13 pm |
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HealingRain wrote: I will be praying tonight before going to bed, like you suggested.. and will be working on the old issues I thought I had resolved. Handing them over to God.
Healing Rain, thanks for the reply. Yeah, you were very brave and courageous in handling all those questions I hurled at you.
Again, on a very practical level, I've found prayer at bed time to be a very powerful thing. It just might help!
And with regards to all the other topics your covered, I appreciate your sharing. I am convinced the spiritual, emotional, mental, physical and "practical" all play in together. You shared you have suffered from some depression and anxiety, with you believing you may have or have had some PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptoms. PTSD is usually caused by some kind of trauma, in which one's senses are exposed to grave danger, abuse or horror. That's my "off the cuff" description of it; I can elaborate more about PTSD per your request. Just be assured that it is actually a very common disorder and I would encourage you to take steps towards working on it.
I am very glad your husband is working on making changes. It is wonderful to learn his attitude is changing and he seems to be growing in ways that show more emotional maturity (for lack of a better term, pehaps there's a better one).
From everthing you have written, I am not surprised you described your relationship with your husband as "strained." That fact that he is "afraid" to touch you (assumedly in intimate ways) is a significant concern. For many men, sexual addiction tends to make them even more emotionally unavailable than they might typically be, and while the term "sexual anorexic" is a confusing one (personally, I like the term "emotional anorexic"), the basic gist of it is a guy needs to learn how to re-engage with his wife on emotional levels. See, it's so easy for a guy to take deepest needs to pictures, images, fantasties, etc., because in that fantasy world nothing is required of him on a deeper emotional or spiritual level. He has got to learn to take his pain to God ... and to feel that pain instead of stuffing it. As a married couple, you and him should be the #1 support persons for each other ("God in the flesh") with helping each of you wrestle and sort through such needs. On a very practical level, having sex with a husband who is not emotionally engaged with his wife during the act is going to be very unfulfilling, to say the least. I would suggest finding a good marriage counselor who has experience in helping couples to communicate and build their marriage in healthy ways.
I've written a lot here. What else would you like to share? Any comments or reactions?
All the best,
Steve
Last edited on Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 03:41 pm by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 02:13 pm |
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Sweetie, I did the something when I first found out that my husband was a porn addict. The dreams were so intense and the pain so real, when I woke I too was sick.
Steve has given some great advice and wisdom here. I started praying hard before bed time. I would ask God to take control over my dreams and emotional state while I slept. One Sat morning I awoke from one of these dreams sobbing like someone had died.
My husband followed me into the bathroom where I was so ill. He asked and I told him. He just sat on the bathroom floor and cried. That night he prayed for me. Then he admitted that he too was having dreams. He cried and told me how sorry he was. He said that no matter how hard he tried that it seemed he could not escaped the porn, because it even haunted his dreams.
From that night on we would pray together and for each other and the dreams have stopped for now for the both of us. But if they return I am going to a doctor and asking for something, because I never wont to go through that again.
I will pray for you each night in my prayer time....
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mike
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 05:29 pm |
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Hi Healing Rain -
Several thoughts:
Sexual sin, such as porn addiction, is a doorway of demonic influence in your home. Once you both start working at trying to "kick the strong man out," he doesn't go easily without a fight. I'd suggest that both of you should praying together, confessing your sins together, where necessary, and then taking the authority back over your home. Satan wants to get us wrapped up in fear over his attacks, and we have to take up the authority given to us. (Read Ephesians chapters 1 and 2.)
I would also suggest that you get as many of your friends as possible praying for you in this battle, and that they ask the Lord reveal what's behind it, whether it's chemical, emotional, spiritual or a combination.
But I think it sounds like this is something you've had going on from long before now.
Have you or anyone in your family had anything to do with the occult, or sexual sin, especially around the years you transitioned from sleepwalking to nightmares?
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 06:31 pm |
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I have to agree with Mike on this one. I am normally a very heavy sleeper, meaning if I dream I remember nothing about it. After all this came out, I would have the most horrendous nightmares ... waking and literally unable to move ... kind of like a panic attack in my sleep. I started praying and rebuking the demons prior to going to sleep, as I am sure my husband's addiction just opened every window in the house to demonic presences. It worked!
Not to say you shouldn't explore those sleep disturbances and all. Just that I have had the above described experience.
Last edited on Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 06:31 pm by Joel2:25
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HealingRain
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 10:48 pm |
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mike wrote: .
But I think it sounds like this is something you've had going on from long before now.
Have you or anyone in your family had anything to do with the occult, or sexual sin, especially around the years you transitioned from sleepwalking to nightmares?
Occult... no.
It is very hard for me to write these words. I do so only to heal. Like I said in my other post.. if I do not have some sort of accountability I will only retreat from my issues. It is just easier to overlook and focus on someone else's recovery, than my own. I am using this forum, and the support of those that chose to offer me advice and prayer... as I do not have anywhere else to go.
Sexual sin... There as never been a point in my life where I wasn't either a victim or bystander of sexual sin.. and even times I myself was a sexual sinner. The only times I can actually remember with out any sexual influence was from the age of 13 to 17. 5 very short years. I am 31 years old, so more than most of my life has been impacted by this.
I believed that my marriage protected me. I lived these last 10 years believing that everything was behind me, I would never be a victim in that sense again... and I was wrong. My husbands choice to bring this into our marriage has in fact made me feel very much the victim again... and at times worse than some of the very traumatic events of my life. I feel that this has stripped me of my safety and I am now fair game. That I have been fair game for the last 10 years, just unknown to me. The one person that I believed would never hurt me like all the rest... did in fact hurt me. I feel very objectified, very violated... to my core.
I did in fact bring this up almost immediately to my husband the day I confronted him... but I didn't know then the extent of what I was feeling or saying. It was not even a conscious choice to speak those words.. they just came out of me. And, I did in fact shut down after saying them.. I did not recall even speaking them untill something he said reminded me. I think now I understand why he is afraid to touch me. I think he is afraid of how I am viewing him in regards to this. He was telling me things, and I wasn't listening. He did have my best interest at heart, and I completely missunderstood.
Reading the replies on here, and seriously looking into myself for the answers to the questions asked... has really brought a lot of things to the surface for me. I was so focused on my husband's recovery that I was overlooking my own. I am not unwilling to face my self though, never have been. I have looked this all in the eye before, I can do so again. This time, I am just afraid it is going to be much harder as it is so very close to home. It is home. I can't run to my safety zone to heal, as it is smack dab right in the middle of it. Its going to be much harder.
On a brighter note... I did pray last night, and for the first night in over 3 weeks I was nightmare free. Not anxiety or panick free... but I did not have to live through another gruesome display in my mind. I am very thankful for that.
I thank you all for the support you are giving me. For all the advice, suggestions and specially the prayer. There is really nothing I can say that expresses my thankfullness or appreciation... so I will just simply say Thank you.
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HealingRain
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Posted: Thu Aug 10th, 2006 11:48 pm |
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I am still having trouble here.. in regards to my past. Things I am now having to re-examine. I feel almost as if I am being attacked.
I acted out as a child sexually (mb) from a very very early age. I self medicated all my life, until adult hood. I am now seeing huge similarities in me and my actions and DH and his, different but similiar. And I am struggling. I have been honest with DH, he knows I am struggling. I thought it was all in my past... boy oh boy... I completely feel like I am being attacked. If I fall, then there is no reason he shouldn't? Know what I mean? A house divided, that sort of thing. For once in our relationship, we are firmly united together and I feel as if that is why I am being attacked? Or, am I just being crazy??? Does that even make since or am I rationalizing it out?
So, Please please please... pray. I desperately need it.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 10:07 pm |
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Healing Rain, I just prayed for you.
Boy oh boy, you are going through a rough time! No, I don't think you're crazy and it very well could be a spiritual attack against you. It also could just be "your issues coming up" so to speak, to use counseling lingo. Your experience with PTSD is also still a concern on my end.
My question to you is: Do you have any to talk to who could support you in this? A close friend who is mature in their walk with God? A spiritual leader? A counselor? If I have learned anything in life, it is that trials and tribulations can usually be overcome with others. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
-Steve
Last edited on Fri Aug 11th, 2006 10:15 pm by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Thu Sep 28th, 2006 08:52 pm |
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I understand the nightmares, i after finding out abou his porn/online behaviour would wake up crying alot of times. I would be dreaming that I was surrounded by the women he acted out with ( online contacts) and they were taunting me. they would all be naked and engaging in sexual acts. My partner was in the dreams to and would seem indiffernet to me , just so focused on them in a trance like way.
I was repulsed in my dreams and would often need to wake up run to the bathroom and throw up......where I would proceed to sob uncontrollably.
I have as well often found myself walking in my sleep looking for my kids terrified I had lost them , or that these women had taken them or hurt them in some way. Some of the time my partner has woken up and found me or even woken me himself if I was crying or angry in my sleep.but there have been many times I have awoke sobbing and just sat there and looked at him.still now 2 yrs later with him in recovery ..just looking at him still with just such dis belief...and such a feeling of sickness sadness that I just want to die...
So much of this makes me question my sexuality to and my comfort with sex and my body has been blasted to shreds...I feel so ugly and just...well I think only you women here can truley know how this makes us feel about our selves....there is no way I can eve look like those women in porn and the women who he watched on webcam were so slovenly and unattractive that just confuses me further.
my partner has been sober for 2 yrs.but I really don't think I can stay with him because of the mess this has made of me....how can I ever beleive him or trust him again.why would I want to
the nighmare continues.......when I sleep and when I am awake
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