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RoseLily
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | Las Vegas, Nevada USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 04:39 am |
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I am so pleased to now know that I have support, even though it isn't tangible support or faces that I can see, the thoughts of knowing that there are other women like me that are dealing with their husbands' problems of addiction is the feeling of hope that I have needed.
Since I am new to the group, I will tell our story and the events that led me to seek help for myself.
I met my husband on a blind date over six years ago. After four years of dating, we married and moved far from all our family and friends because he is in the military. (I noticed some other military wives posted on here, too.) During the time we dated, I often saw porn websites in the history of his computer, but since it was shared with his father and brother, he always told me it was them that looked at those sites. I also thought that even if it was my husband, once we were married, he wouldn't have a need to look at those sites, as I would be there for him.
During our first year of marriage, I would find porn sites on the comptuer, we would fight, he would promise to quit looking, we'd make up and everything would be fine for a few weeks, maybe even a month. It seemed we had the same fight about once a month, maybe every two months.
This past December my world came crashing down. We had a big fight about him looking at porn and how much it bothered me. He promised to stop (of course!). The next day, he was supposed to come to my work and help me with a holiday party (I'm a teacher). He was very late and blamed it on his work letting him out late. When I got home, I checked the computer to find out that he had stopped at home, looked at porn and then came to my school. The reason he was late to helping me was because he had to get his porn 'fix'. He couldn't be alone in the house, even to change his clothes without using the computer. In addition, I found thousands of hidden flies, with names that were innocent (so I wouldn't notice them) so that he could look at porn when he wasn't connected to the internet!
A fellow co-worker was the only one at the time that knew of the fights we had been having. When I called her that night to tell her what happened, she told me that she thought he was addicted to porn. This was the first time I had ever heard of such a thing! Addicted to porn! No way, I thought! He can stop anytime he wants, he just choses not to! So, reluctantly, I went to the internet and searched 'porn addiction' or 'sex addiction'. I printed a self quiz and asked my husband to take it. He 'passed' with flying colors - an addict. We both cried for we realized it was far worse and out of control than either of us had imagined.
We went home for the holidays and plastered happy faces and smiles for all to see. It was nice for me to pretend that we had this life and that the big dark secret we had realized wasn't waiting for us when we returned home.
So, he started attending SAA meetings. I thought I would heal simply by him getting help. We set up the computer so he couldn't get online. He then turned his addiction to ordering Pay Per View movies. I then locked the pay per view option. He found a way around it on our bedroom tv, and order more. He has used disks (claiming he got them from people at work) to look at porn and found ways around the blocks I have in place.
We went to a marriage counselor, only about 3 times; our schedules were crazy at the time and things seemed to be on the right path...
Last week, I visited a friend for a few days. Per his request, I took parts of the computer and hid them around the house, so he couldn't use it at all while I was gone. To my disbelief and horror - he found the parts and went on a 'porn spree' while I was gone. I discovered this yesterday.
I cried and cried. I felt hopeless, betrayed and sat in my house for hours in disbelief.
I began to seach for help for myself, because I realized that I had never healed. I found blazinggrace and I felt hope because I read the stories on here by wives like me who know and understand this pain.
I gave him three choices yesterday - me, the porn or temporary separation. He told me he chose me. I told him that thing had to be different this time and he needed more than my help, he needed to seek the Lord.
He is going to attend Purity for Him, a mens group at church for sex addiciton. I purchased several of the books mentioned here and am anxoious to read them. We are becoming members in the church we've been causually attending. We have an appointment next week with a new counselor. And, of course, I have joined this group to seek the support and advice of all of you ...
Today I have hope and feel that we are moving in the right direction. I would love to hear your input, advice or stories. Any military wives - do you feel this is an even more difficult struggle because of the associations of our husbands?
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 05:25 am |
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Welcome, RoseLily. My heart goes out to you, and I am praying for you and your H. I pray that God will be a balm to your heart and spirit. That your H will experience genuine conviction and revultion for this addiction. That God will heal your relationship, and grow both of you spiritually. Praise God that you have a group at your church.
I hope you have read through the articles on this site that explore how this is usually a struggle that dates back to teens or before, and is often tied in to father relationship issues. The roots are deep, have nothing to do with you, and will take hard work to ferret out and destroy. With God's help, though, it is possible.
TruthSeeker
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:56 pm |
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Hi sweetie and welcome to the forum. You are not alone, the sad part is you are in the small majority of women who seek help for how they are feeling. I am so happy you are seeking help for you. So many times wives mask the pain and it ends up growing into a bitter root.
It looks like your husband is taking the right steps to recovery and freedom. I am not a consoler so I can only give advice from where I have been. My best advice is this ....
Pray for your husband, pray often.
Remember that he has an addition. Like any addiction the road to recovery is hard and he will have mood swings. He will have up and down moments, try to remember that it is part of the process of getting free from the addition.
He may have a relapse. Try not to blame yourself, because it is not your fault. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and his addiction has nothing to do with the way you look.
Try to keep the lines of communication open. So many times and I have found this true with my husband, the shame they feel and the fear they have that you may leave sometimes makes them stop communicating, a lot of times they really do not know what to say and fear if they did say something it would only serve to hurt you. Talk to him, about anything even if it is the weather.
Support him in his efforts to get help, sounds like you are doing very good at all of the above. This is a great site I am happy you found us. I am praying for you and your husband.
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RoseLily
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | Las Vegas, Nevada USA |
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 05:07 pm |
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Thank you for the replies and support.
Last night, when my husband came home from work, I was typing my first post. He inquired about what I was so focused on - and I reminded him that I had joined an online support group and I was telling 'our' story. He fell quiet.
He came back into the computer room and I asked him if he wanted to read what I posted, he said yes, but he wanted to read it alone. I honored his request and returned a few minutes later.
When I walked back into the room, he turned to me and told me that although I had expressed my feelings of hurt and sadness for over a year, something about him reading it in the third person made him acutely aware of my pain. He said it was difficult to read about how long he drug me through this mess and was amazed that I'm still standing beside him - supporting him.
Tears4Us and truthseeker - thank you for your words of kindness and keeping us in your prayers.
I will keep everyone updated and share what the counselor says next week. I do feel more hopeful this time because we are making a commitment together to BOTH get the help we didn't before and really stick with it this time.
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captivated
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Posted: Sun Jul 23rd, 2006 07:38 pm |
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RoseLily,
Prayed for you guys! Sounds like you are on the right path now! It does take time and effort....
While I believe porn is a universal issue, I do believe the military, separations and deployments can make it tougher.....they even sell it on the bases everywhere....it's just so accepted in some circles!   Thankfully, it sounds like your husband's eyes are opening to the reality of how it's damaged your marriage , so I'm praying and believing that you won't be another casuality or statistic negatively, but that because of God through Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit in your lives, you and your husband will have victory and a story to tell which will encourage other soldiers to avoid the same snares in their marriages. Continue to keep us posted so we may pray for you both!
captivated 
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