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Tears4Us
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Posted: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006 12:09 am |
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My adoptive father and mothers marriage ended in divorce in 1998 due to my fathers porn addiction. Growing up we always knew he looked at what we called "dirty books" They were tucked in every closet in the house. My mother took his addiction as so many wife's do and blamed herself. She thought she was doing something wrong or that she was not good enough.
For many years she spent lots of money trying to make herself prettier, slimmer, taller you name it she tried it. My fathers addiction soon lead to hard core porn and soon to seeing prostitutes. When he had left for a 9 month job to FL and stopped coming home to NC my mother knew there was something wrong. She had called his room one night and the desk clerk told her that my father and his wife did not want to be disturbed. My mother soon asked for a divorce and even though my father said "it was just sex" he agreed and their marriage split. My mother has never been the same. Since their divorce my father has been re-married three times. Go figure.....
I grew up watching as my mother was dying inside. She tried so very hard to be that image that my father was addicted too. She never realized that no matter what she could never be that for him, because it was not the image but the few seconds of pleasure that followed that he was addicted too, and the many days of shame that kept him from her.
When my husband and I met, the first time I ever went to his house he had a half naked life size girl poster up. You would think that would have been my clue to run, the next time I was there he had removed it so I never said a word about it. Okay what I have to say from here on out may lead some of you to think I am crazy and maybe at the time I was.
Soon after he and I met, I moved in with him. I know it was sin and have spent so many times repenting. I had been in one bad marriage and I wanted to know for sure this was the right thing to do. But anywho, soon after I moved in with him he was hurt on the job and was out of work for almost a year. What took place in that year is where this testimony starts.
I had gotten an extra job to help make ends meet. Most nights he was up on the computer because he said he could not sleep. This went on a few months and I really never thought a lot about it, I never dreamed of porn on the Internet after all the net was kind of new then.
One day I had stayed home from work because I was sick and he had to go the doctor over his injury. the phone rang and when I picked up there was a women on the other end and she asked who I was and what I was doing there. I told her who I was and explained to her that I lived there.
She started to cry as she explained to me that she was from MS and her and he had been talking on the net for many months and that he had asked her to marry him. Can I say I was shocked. While I was still on the phone he comes in and it was like he knew who I was talking too. Maybe it was the tears or maybe the fact that I was packing my bags as this women was pouring her heart out to me. He took the phone and told her not to ever call our house again and he hung up on her.
He explained to me that it was nothing, of course nothing don't give out our home number and nothing sure don't ask someone to marry him when he had put a ring on my finger a few months before hand. But my love for him at the time made me believe everything he was saying. I had came home one night after a long 12 hours and started dinner and noticed that he was not at all acting right. He explained that the doctors had changed his pain medication and it was really zonking him.
The next morning I awoke to find all my things packed and for no reason known to me he threw me out. Two days later he called and begged me to come back and said that he was just acting crazy due to the medication. So I went back. A month later the same thing. He threw me out three times in total. The last time he said he was moving to IL where his family was and that when he got his head together he would call. I was devastated but I believed him.
I spent the next few months seeking God and asking for direction as to this relationship. I later found out through his ex wife that he had married this lady that I had talked to on the phone. It lasted 4 days and he called me saying he needed to talk to me. I just knew he was going to fill me full of lies, but he didn't, he came clean and poured his heart out. He was able to get an annulment and we started working on our relationship.
He wanted to get married right away. We book the park had the preacher, the family came in and I chickened out. As I was getting things ready I remember a promise I had made to God, I promised God I would not marry him until he started going to church. I know that is dumb, but my mind was not working right at that point in my life. I loved this man so much it is unbelievable. As I was slipping on my dress God reminded me of my promise.
I knew he was saved six months before we met, but he had never ever shown any fruits and never would go to church. I explained to him in tears that I could not marry him at that time, because I had made a promise to God. I did not tell him what the promise was. He would have just went and found a church and started going just to get me to marry him. So he told everyone the wedding was off and we all still had an awesome day despite my backing out.
A year later his brother from IL came to visit. That Saturday night he asked me what church we were going too and I told him I could not get him to go. When he came in from work that afternoon his brother said "dude we are going to church in the morning." and he said okay....OKAY! I have been trying to get him to go for years.
Needless to say we went to church on Sunday morning and on Monday morning he had taken off work to spend some time with his brother before he was to leave and as I was getting ready to go to work, I heard God as clear as day say "today you marry." So I walked into the kitchen where he was having coffee and he asked if I was going in. I said "no" I think we need to go get married. So we did it and it was so awesome. We has not missed church since except for vacation or in the process of a move. I never have told him of the promise, maybe one day I will.
One month after we married we moved to NC. Where things were going so good. We had found a good church and the pain of the past seem to stay behind us when we moved. I had came home early one day because we were not busy and walked in to find my husband looking at porn on the Internet. I was broken. I really have no other way to say it, it was just bad. He kept telling me he was sorry and that it would never happen again.
I found myself becoming my mother. I was doing everything in my power to change what I deemed wrong with me. After he would fall asleep at night I would cry and pray for God to take away my pain. Another year went by and everything seemed to be going good again but I was checking the computer for anything and I soon found what I dreaded and when I confronted him with it he said he had not looked at it, and my son said he had done it. I am still not sure how true that is. But I started trying to fix myself again to be more pleasing to my husband. I wanted so bad to be every thing he needed and desired.
Two years passed and everything is good or so I thought.To make a long story a little shorter my husband was caught in a lie, not a lie of porn nature but a lie all the same. i went looking for evidence and what I found was a hidden cell bill for 300.00 and a stack of porn you would not believe. I called him and told him what I found and he was so mad. All he could say is "deal with it." I was more then broken, if God had came down and took me home I would have been so happy.
When he came home, I had every intension to land blast him. I had sent the girls to their room and laid out the stack of porn all nice and neat on the kitchen table. I had contemplated talking all the pictures out and pasting them on the living room wall and calling Pastor over a few mins before he was to arrive. like I said I was upset.
As he walked in that night something rose in me that I never dreamed, I did not land blast him as I wanted, I did not scream and yell. When I looked at him I seen he had an addiction and that hurt knowing I was up against something I did not understand. I felt for the first time a sorrow for my husband that I had never felt. You know the kind you feel when you hear a love one has cancer and does not have long to live. It was that intense. Because I knew spiritually that his addiction could cause him his salvation.
I did not say a word. I bundled all his books and handed them to him. He took them out side and set them on fire and kneeled and prayed for what seemed like hours. When he come back in he went and told the girls he was sorry for all the things he had put this family through.
Then we went and had a long heart to heart. He confessed that he had a problem and did not know what to do about it. He told me how sorry he was for hurting me, but he said if he told me he would never do it again he would be telling me a lie, he was honest and yes it hurt. He asked me to help him. We have worked on this together every since. I no longer am my mother and hold all those feelings. I am a child of God and when it is hard I give it to Him.
He is a great husband and father. He is a Christian that fights the sin of the flesh as we all do just in a different area. I love him more then words can say. I will stand by him no matter what. Even if we fight this till our dying day, at least we can say we fought the good fight.
He still has a relapse from time to time. And yes, it still hurts me, but I have learned to set boundaries not only for him but also for myself. My boundaries start by letting go and letting God. They start by not blaming myself and thinking I have done something wrong.
As with any addiction my husband will always be an addict, but I look forward to the day like the alcoholic that never tasted whiskey again , that I can say he is an addict and is no longer addicted. That the grace and mercy of God set him free. As his wife I am not the problem, but with God's help I can be part of the solution.
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Praise6
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Posted: Wed Jul 5th, 2006 03:12 pm |
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Thank you for sharing your story.
I am praying for you both.
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Wed Jul 5th, 2006 10:04 pm |
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| Thanks for the prayers........
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Jul 6th, 2006 05:38 am |
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Yes, I appreciate you sharing your story as well and am praying!
captivated
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