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restored777
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Posted: Mon Jun 27th, 2005 06:22 pm |
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It is amazing to me how God will reveal things for the purpose of strengthening His people. 2 years ago I began to see things around my bedroom that were strange to me. The first thing I saw was the cover for a movie in my husband's sock drawer. He happened to open it while I was standing close by and I glanced over and saw the cover. I didn't know what it was - a book or magazine maybe. When I went to check after he'd left for work, there was nothing there. About a month or so after that, I found a DVD movie broken in half in front of my bedroom door. I thought that one of my kids had brought it into the house. I sat with my older 2 children and discussed how pornography was a sin and a snare of the enemy to keep them bound by sin. Though they are young (14 and 16) they understood.
One Sunday about 18 months ago I came home from church very tired. I had been the preacher for the morning and after praying for all the people I was totally drained. I lay in my bed while my husband and children were downstairs watching football. I was falling asleep when I very clearly I heard a voice say "look under the bed". I have a waterbed with drawers at the base. I was so tired I didn't move. The voice came again, but this time it was very insistent. LOOK UNDER THE BED! I looked and what I found rocked my world. I found porn DVDs and pictures under his drawer. In my haste to look I had lit a scented candle to search since I couldnt' find a flashlight. I was so shocked that when I heard my husband coming up the stairs I left the candle under the bed, but I took his stash of movies. I went into the bathroom to talk to God. I asked for strength and wisdom in dealing with this particular time. I called my pastor and told her what had happened. She prayed with me on the phone and asked me was I committed to the marriage. Of course, I told her. We'd been married 18 years by then. When I went back into the bedroom, my husband was crying. He told me that he had been addicted to porn for about 7 years and that he tried to stop but couldn't. He said he felt overtaken by this addition. AT first he said that he started watching them because we had been having marital problems and I really didn't want to be intimate with him. So in order for him not to cheat on me, he used the movies for release. We prayed together and cried, he cried and I made him show me where he had kept all his movies. We threw them out - about 200 of them. Then proceeded to heal and deal.
My thing is that while I have forgiven him, I wonder sometimes. Is he still into that? When we're intimate does he remember the movies? There is still so much hurt in me, but because spiritually I am stronger than he is I don't want to tell him how I feel. I've spoken to my pastor and I thank God for her. She has not judged my husband and has since begun training him to be an Elder and go out to pastor his own flock. Sin is sin. That I do know. I just can't find anyone to talk to who understands, who's been there. He didn't have an affair physically but his mind did. His soul did. I love this man with all my heart and I won't give up on an otherwise great marriage. Has anyone read any good books for wives or found any good websites with information for wives? I am an ordained minister and I should know better, but I don't know where to look. I am grateful that God has been healing me over these times. I just don't want to feel alone. And I do feel that way. Alone, like there is no one I can share with. One day I want to write a book about recovering from this. For the innocent spouse. But until my husband can be open concerning his deliverance from this bondage I cannot share it.
Thanks for anyone who responds!
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Peach86
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Posted: Mon Jun 27th, 2005 08:47 pm |
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Hello friend,
Let me first say that you are definitely not alone! You may feel that way right now, but there are plenty of "us" who are out there. You are fortunate to be able to talk to your pastor about what you're going through. My husband had a problem with pornography and would act out during business trips or while I wasn't at home. 14 years ago, he sought out a prostitute and I didn't know where to turn. I couldn't go to my family because they thought the world of him. I couldn't go to my friends because I didn't want them to hate him (and how humiliating it was for me to have to try to explain why he did what he did!).
It was a slow recovery of trust, that's for sure. I, too, wondered if I measured up to what he had watched, or if he was judging or comparing me to the movies and/or magazines that he had read. It not only almost destroyed our marriage, but my self esteem was at ground zero!
I don't know of any websites for women, but there is a book called An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall.
I hope that you continue to seek out encouraging people that you can open up to and cry on their shoulder if you need to - that's so important!
Take care!
Michelle
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restored777
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Posted: Tue Jun 28th, 2005 01:58 am |
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Michelle,
Thank you so much. I just ordered the book. It should be arriving in 3 days. It seems as if a lot of the time I'm okay, I don't remember and it doesn't bother me. The come days when the hurt is almost more than I can bear. I have a hard time picture my husband into porn. But I know that church men struggle as do other men. I just want to heal and move on.
I'm glad to know that others are out there and willing to share their experiences.
Yvonne
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teammom
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Posted: Sat Jul 9th, 2005 11:57 am |
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| Hay Ladies, I too have a husband hooked on porn, and now our 14 y.o. son is hooked. I do know that porn led my husband to stray. Actually I was so messed up in the head when he first started 15-16 years ago, I didn't see it was wrong, I thought that was what "NORMAL" men did. (I found porn mags under my dads mattress when I was young) when I first saw his porn I thought, so porn, and would sometimes watch it with him (as a child...) After his affair we seperated and got help. I learned when there is a sex addiction, when you make love with your spouce he is fantisizing about??? One thing we learned, when we make love keep our eyes open. Look deeply into each others eyes and soul. A book was recomended, "When Two Become One" Chris McCluskey. I also read "Every Woman's Battle" Shannon Ethridge. Do you watch soaps, read romance novels, share too much with other men? It may not be porn, but we women lust in the mind not on the screen. Ladies, this should bother us, and if it dosen't and becomes "norm" that's just a door for satan and he spreads this to the whole family. Where does it stop? The evil one dosen't. "Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow Me, and I will give you rest" PRAY, PRAY for your husbands and childern. Remember He knows and with His Grace we will be healed. Cindy
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restored777
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Posted: Sun Jul 10th, 2005 12:13 pm |
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Hi Teamom.
Yeah, I used to read romance novels for years. That was before I got saved about 8 years ago. I found out my husband's porn addiction 18 months ago. He and I went through the house and prayed and threw out every pornographic movie he had. But lo and behold, my son who was only 13 at the time happened to see his Dad watching this movie and doing God knows what. Now, although he denies it, he is drawn to pornography.
I am reading the book that was suggested. It is good thus far. My Pastor who has known about this since I found out is so great but she cannot understand how I'm feeling, the range of emotion that I go through. It has been 18 months and at times I still want to cry. I haven't really been able to cry because "I have to be the strong one". How many times have I heard that the strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak? I'm a minister! Yet at times my heart is torn and bleeding. I do know that God is wanting to heal me concerning all of this, but I find myself afraid to let him because it would mean that I would have to deal with it. I'm afraid I'll fall apart. I don't want to keep the pain but I'm to afraid to expose it for healing.
Then again, I also wonder if the things I feel as a woman are normal. 2 nights ago my husband and I discussed how this all began. It started as a young teen. He says that he was tempted to have affairs but because of being brought up in the church, he was too afraid to cross the line. I believe him, but that doesn't make me feel better. I wound up crying - which I didn't do when I found out - and he didn't understand. I'm afraid for my son . He's 17 now. This can destroy lives. After we spoke for a while and on a few different subjects, he wanted to be intimate. My heart was broken but my body said otherwise. I love my husband and am determined to make this marriage work. Everything else if so great!!! But all of this hidden in my heart with no one to talk to that would understand is eating at me. I need to be free too!
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teammom
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Posted: Mon Jul 11th, 2005 03:11 am |
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Hi restored 777, yes you do need to talk. I don't know how my best friend and I found each other. Yeah I do, I prayed and for a long time. I met this women at church, she sang in the chior and I went up after church to compliment her on the music that day and we briefly talked and laughed and went our seperate ways,and Then one day out of the blue I got a call from her. We started to talk, very light at first and then one thing led to another and we both started to cry. As it turns out her husband is in porn too, he plays the gituar in the chior. She said she feels like such a hypicorit. I feel so much better now that I have her (but for the last 6 months her and her husband have been in Guam)  We laugh now, that first time she called me, she was ironing and my name kept comming up in her head. Now that we know the "irony" our husbands hooked in porn, we see God has a sense of humor. All I can do is say pray... pray, pray, pray. The Lord hears the cry of the poor, blessed be the poor. but having a confidaunt, someone to help me keep sane during the insane parts of life, It makes life livable. I used to think I had to be strong. Then I got to thinking, if I'm strong all the time how can my husband protect me, save me sorta speak. When I became more vulernable, when he saw me weak, he got to be the strong one. That's his responsibilty from God. Gen. 3:16 "and he shall rule over her" He didn't say we had to be a door mat! You know what's right, sometimes we have to help them, (partner), but how can our husbands be the hero they so badly want to be if we are always the "strong" one. It is scarry exposing your heart espically when someone has done the Mexican hat dance on it. Better to love and lost then to never have loved at all. Letting down my "wall" Letting my husband back in my heart, it feels so much better than having all that bitterness inside. I think our son benefits from this as well. My husband and I did not have a healthy childhood and I know where that got us, I don't want my son to go thru the same poor choices we did, and a lot of our poor choices we made were from just trying to protect our hearts.
Cindy
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restored777
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Posted: Mon Jul 11th, 2005 11:52 am |
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Thanks Cindy. In your response I heard my heart cry. I got married at 18, after dating my husband for 4 years. We have been together now for 23 years altogether. My husband was my best and only friend for years. I don't make friends easily. I always seem to pick the wrong people. My pastor is my closest friend and has been for the last 5 years. I am grateful to God for her because she doesn't judge my husband as many pastors are wont to do. We are all just human right? For some, porn is worse than most other sins because of its hidden and sexual nature but I think the real reason most pastors can't handle it is because lust is a major issue on the pulpit. But God is a restorer, from the pulpit to the door. Hey, I talk a good talk and you know what? I believe and trust that God would do it, but there come the times when I'm afraid of what the healing will cost me. Sounds so stupid!
My pastor suggested I get therapy, but I don't know where to go. I don't want to go anywhere that they will judge my husband or misjudge him. He is a very good man. He has a weakness, a seed of iniquity in his life. He admits that he still struggles sometimes. He doesn't know where to look sometimes but that he hasn't watched anymore movies. The enemy is good at hitting the "rewind" button of our memory. I'll pray as you said, that God would send me someone to talk to. I want to not be the strong one. I really do. I'm tired of it.
As hip and forward thinking as New York City is, I haven't been able to find any ministries to women concerning porn and their spouses. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Keep me in prayer and I will keep you in prayer.
Yvonne
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teammom
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Posted: Tue Jul 12th, 2005 12:57 am |
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Hi Yvonne,
Of corse I'll pray. When my husband and I seperated, we went to a Christian Family Counselor. I found him thru a friend at church. I let my fingers do the walkin and found there was a few Christian Counselors in Atlanta. We had a ride but it was sooo worth it. The counselor said they have groups that meet around the city for Porn addictions. I wish he would go and now that we found our son is in it... I won't stop praying. Son says he dosen't want people to see him and think he's a pervert. Check in the yellow pages under counselors and, at least in Atl. book there was quite a few. Call the office and tell them what your looking for. I called our councelsor we used to have and they have a group about a half hour from our town and it's sponcered by a church. If your in NYC there's got to be something going on. It's just getting our guys to go. You can lead a horse to water... As far as having a friend I guess I'm jelouse, our pastor and I ... well let's just say I'm not one of his favorites. Thank God you have a good relationship with her. As for finding somone you can talk to. I don't think God wants us to try to carry this kind of burden alone. Keep your eyes open, she might be right in front of you at the next service. i was reading the info on the web site and half of Christan Men are stuck in this addiction. So I kinda look at it as the person to my right or left has someone stuck in this. I don't have many friends myself. I know a lot of people but not many know my heart. I know my best friend is a gift from God. I think she's the first real girlfriend I could get "real" with in... I can't remember when. Anyway look next to you, I know she's there, she's probably looking for you too. Seek and ye shall find....
Your Sister in Christ Jesus,
Cindy
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