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angelia
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 12:03 am |
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I have a simple (I think) question......
Can you really have a relationship of any kind with an addict who chooses not to seek help for themselves?
I have been married for 15 years with my husband. He's has had so many affairs I stopped counting. He's been into porn, prostitutes, etc. He is saved and chooses to continue to have very inappropriate relationships with other women and he always lies and tries to deceive me.
He refuses help. Period, plain and simple.
What is left, really?
Angelia
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 06:03 am |
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Angelia, my heart goes out to you. If he is that profoundly rebellious, nothing short of a miracle, for which I pray, will bring him to his knees.
I also pray that God will give you comfort, strength, and wisdom to do what must be done, and the support and resources to do so.
Does he even acknowledge that his behavior is sinful? Is there any remorse at all, or only regret that he was caught, again. If the answer to both of these is no, I would have reservations about his salvation, if he does not even agree with God's Word about his behavior being wrong.
TruthSeeker
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captivated
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 06:07 am |
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Angelia,
I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain! This must have been so difficult! First, I was wondering if you've ever involved anyone else? A counselor, pastor, friend, etc.... Is he open to counseling even? If not, have you ever considered it for yourself?...and do you have children? I will pray for you and post more tomorrow probably!
With care,
captivated
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angelia
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 03:36 pm |
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Thank you both for your replies and concerns. Once God allowed me to see the truth about this in a way that I could not deny, I began searching for help with infidelities. What I discovered relatively shortly thereafter is this addiction.
He has tried off and on to be free of it on his own. He refuses counseling although he's gone with me three times. The first two times was with my church pastor and he walked out of that counseling. The final time was with a sex addiction counselor and he refused to see anything such as an addiction.
As for remorse...there is none. He will hardly ever even apologize. He will only admit that he's doing something wrong if I point blank ask "Do you think this is right"? He'll say no. Yes, it's mostly remorse at getting caught.
To date, from time to time, he'll say, I might have an issue but then refuses to do anything. I'm working myself through Doug Weiss's 12 step recovery for spouses of SA's and I realize more and more that words without actions are just words. Actions MUST follow for there to be recovery.
My post is partly frustration and sadness at realizing that he might believe his words but until he does something it's useless.
I am amazed at how many times I have to remind myself and ask the Holy Spirit to remind me that I am powerless. I tend to give the problem to God and then try to take back what I can control. Then I remember that I can only control myself through the help of the Holy Spirit.
My pastor is fully aware of the situation but has not yet reached the point where he wants to confront my husband. I pray for that too.
We do not have children together but we have his and hers living at home. They are ours in the sense that we've raised them together for soooo many years.
Thank you again for your thoughts.
A
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captivated
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Posted: Sat Jun 17th, 2006 09:05 pm |
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Angelia,
Have prayed for you! Keep us posted so we know how you're doing and how we may pray!
Blessings in Jesus to you!
Captivated
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indoubt
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Posted: Sun Jun 18th, 2006 01:40 pm |
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| I know exactly where you are and understand your frustration. It's difficult to know what to do. My pastor knows, and has since the first time I found out myself, but my husband doesn't know he knows. Actually, my husband has no idea how many people know and have been trying to pray him into confession and some kind of help to get past this. He, too, has no remorse; doesn't consider it "cheating," says it's wrong, but is living this kind of double life where he continues to lie to me. I don't trust anything he says anymore. I absolutely believe in the power of prayer, and I believe in miracles. But I also know that God allows us free will and if we continue to laugh in His face, there comes a time of no more chances. I guess that's what worries me most about my husband. He, too, agreed to go to counseling - I think he may have showed up 3 times. The rest of the times (almost a year) I went alone but I was still trying to find a way to reach him. I've decided to begin counseling for myself. It was a hard decision, because I know in my heart that if I start getting strong and find healthy ways to deal with my husband's addiction, I will most likely leave him. But I dan't believe that God wants any of His children to live under this kind of stress and unhappiness when one partner (not that I can truly call my husband a partner) refuses to face and do something about the problem. His problem has become my problem and takes up most of my emotions and energy, while his life goes on as usual. Nothing I can do or say can make him change or even make him want to change. I just don't think I matter that much to him. I'm just really, really tired. MAtthew 7:9-11 may help you see things in a different light.
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Steve
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Posted: Sun Jun 18th, 2006 02:59 pm |
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angelia wrote: Can you really have a relationship of any kind with an addict who chooses not to seek help for themselves?
Definitely not a meaningful or healthy one in any way.
It sounds like you might be wise to seek help for yourself, for the fallout of being married to a sex addict is devastating. Part of that help will be obtaining the skills to uphold healthy boundaries in your marriage relationship. In the end, if you want anything to change, at some point, you are going to insist that he get help if he wants your relationship to continue. Sadly, the "nuclear option" (i.e. "The marriage is over if you don't get help ... NOW!") is commonly an effective strategy that might get your husband motivated. Then again, I've seen so many marriages end over this.
I trust you're already seeking help from at least one expert, mentor and/or counselor who understands the nature of sexual addiction. I also suggest becoming involved in some kind of support group with other female partners of sex addicts.
Feel free to give updates as needed!
All the best,
Steve
Last edited on Sun Jun 18th, 2006 03:00 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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angelia
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Posted: Fri Jun 23rd, 2006 10:59 pm |
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After much thought, prayer and counsel, I've decided for an intervention.
I cannot for the life of me figure out any acceptable boundaries for a sex addict. There's so much to it....there's lying, internet, other pornography, sexual relations with other women, money, my own sexual relationship with him, and I could probably think of others but that's a quick list.
To me, lying is not tolerable, especially when you consider the magnitude of the lies with an SA. Which lies would I place boundaries on? All of them, so I would be in constant upholding of boundaries.
What is considered porn? So, if you watch all the booty shaking on MTV does that count? In my book, yes.
So, anyway, I've been working the 12 steps with my group, have been in counsel and have given this much time with God. It feels foreign to me to stand up for myself, but I know without a doubt that it must be done.
Please pray for me. Thanks!
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Sat Jun 24th, 2006 02:44 am |
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| simple answer ...............no
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Thu Jun 29th, 2006 04:33 pm |
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| I so feel your pain sweetie. I am praying for you.
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angelia
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Posted: Thu Jun 29th, 2006 11:33 pm |
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Well, I have confronted him and laid down the ultimate boundary. Unless you seek counseling, attend weekly accountability meetings and this must be consistent for at least one year, then we can no longer be together.
His response? Well, I guess you better do what you want to do.
I spoke to the pastor and he is fully aware, I told my husband that the pastor knows. The pastor has tried to contact him several times by phone to tell him that I called and he thinks they need to speak and he won't see him. He'll make empty promises that he'll be there and just doesn't show up. This has been going on for a week now.
So, here I sit, numb. This is not what I wanted. I cannot imagine how hard his heart must be for him to completely know the word of God and turn his back on it and so vehemently turn his back.
I must now make a move and quite honestly I don't yet know how to go about it. I'm asking God for clear direction because there cannot be two masters served in my house. We cannot ever walk together as a couple because he is on a different mindset than I am. He chooses to serve his idols and his master and I choose to serve The Master! I do not want to sound self-- righteous at all. The truth is the truth.
We are called to reconcile people to Christ through love. However, he has chosen that he doesn't want to be reconciled to Christ. I feel so sorry.
My step programs are awesome. I attend Celebrate Recovery and it's excellent if anyone hasn't tried it. God is good all the time and I know as sure as I am sitting here that my life will not always be this way - that God has something mighty in store for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jun 30th, 2006 12:00 am |
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Angelia, my heart aches with you. My prayer is much the same as before.
Do you think that the children understand that there is trouble between the two of you? I pray that God will guard their hearts in this time of crisis, and help all to adjust to changing circumstances.
Hugs,
TruthSeeker
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Fri Jun 30th, 2006 12:51 am |
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hi ....what is CELEBRATE RECOVERY ...? I am in alberta canada and not sure where to look for help and/or a step program , I tried sanon but it did not work to well I did not relate to the women there as none of them had remained in the relationship ..
Any ideas of where I can get help would be so appriecated
my heart aches evertime I read one of the letters from a hurting spouse, this is an awful thing to live with but it helps to know others are there and on the same path and that things can be better
bask in the sunshine it warms the soul a bit ..... not to mention bit of a tan....lol
take care all
Broken Diva
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angelia
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Posted: Fri Jun 30th, 2006 01:06 am |
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BrokenDiva: Here's the website and some of their locations. It's an awesome, Christ-centered 12 step program. The group I am in has all sorts of groups from codependency to sex addiction and spouses of addicts. It's fabulous. Lots of support. Several of the women I attend group with have long left their husbands/boyfriends but some of the devastation left behind is still there for them.
I hope you can find a group. I will pray for that for you.
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/global.shtml
Truthseeker....my daughter definitely knows something is wrong. She is the only child currently living with us. His son has moved back with his mother and my oldest is away at college. My daughter kinda senses the signs. Dad is gone a lot, lots of fighting, people sleeping on the couch, dad always in a bad mood and angry. I pray for her as well.
The whole thing is just awful. I feel the worst that he refuses, simply refuses to repent. God is amazing and can restore anything if we allow it but we must first be submissive.
In Christ's love,
Angeliabbotsford, British Columbia
Barrie, Ontario
Brampton, Ontario
Burnaby, British Columbia
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Port Alberni, British Columbia
Richmond, British Columbia
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Surrey, British Columbia
Thornbury, Ontario
Vancouver, British Columbia
Nova Scotia
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Fri Jun 30th, 2006 01:10 am |
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I am in the wrong province unfortunatley......there are no groups in Alberta...
Thanks for the link though ..I will keep looking
Broken Diva
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