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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 09:34 am |
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I know that sounds horrible, but it is becoming more true. I don't think God wants us to live our lives in anguish and with someone who lies to us and cannot be trusted.
I have no idea if my husband is "addicted" or not. I caught him watching a movie and then he went downstairs and threw it in the fire. He says he found it and was ccurious. Then he late admitted that he had been watching them the whole time we have been married. He knows I am so against porn. I don't know if he is addicted but i do know that I don't trust him.
I don't trust my husband.
How can I live with that? Not well. I find myself more and more miserable. I go from wanting to get over it to wanting to leave him. Then I worry that maybe he would do something bad to my daughter from a previous relationship (that he adopted).
I have always been the kind to dress cute and be fixed up. This made me feel undesireable. My husband never hardly ever compliments me and he acts like I am awful and he is mad if I don't feel like sex.
Personally, I am sick of it. I don't want to participate in a crazy life and feel like this for any length of time. He works away from home a week and is home a week. Now, I am so happy when he leaves. Our relationship is going down the tubes. We rarely wear our wedding rings and I don't say I love you unless he does first. I just don't like who I am finding out he is.
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Steve
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 06:58 pm |
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Newbie, welcome! Man oh man, I am so sorry. I trust you realize just how common your story is as a spouse of a man involved in pornography.
A few questions:
- How long have you been married?
- What is your support system like? Do you have people who know you well whom you could talk to about all this?
- Have you asked and/or insisted that your husband get help for his pornography habit? (It's likely an addiction, I'm sure.)
- Have there been any issues of domestic violence between you two?
All the best,
Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 08:00 pm |
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No there has been no domestic violence. We have been married 5 years this Feb. It seems to me things b/t us have been strained since the birth of our son. We also have an 8 year old of mine that he adopted when she was 2.
Yes, I have talked to friends that have been very supportive, but honestly a couple have also said a thing or two to hurt me. One was my MIL , I know of course, she said sometimes we don't give the guys enuf attention  . Then I mentioned to a friend that i also don't think he should be drinking when he is away at work withall of those men (there are a lot that he works with whose morals are not where I wish they were). He is gone 8 days so nowI worry about this.
I don't want to bother my friends with this anymore, what more can they say? I am starting to sound like a lunatic that is obsessed with what to do and how to feel. I can't help it tho cause somedays I think i need to make it work for the kids, somedays i think maybe it isn't that big of a deal, somedays i want a divorce andsomedays i worry if we divorced adn he had visitations would he ever hurt my daughter. I don't tell him all this, but at times I treat him accordingly, like I will try to make everything normal or I am distant.
He told me he will stop and when I asked him how much he watched it he said not much. This took about a week to get that out of him. Honestly, now no matter what he says I dont truly trust him. He said he would try to get a job closer tohome with his company, but then when things get better b/t us he never mentions it. I feel like he is lying to just pacify me( THIS IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED).
Now I am to the point that i am glad he is gone and can't wait until he leaves, no more tears for me. I am not giong to keep wanting someone who doesn't want to give up their time on the road.
He's lucky that I am a great mom and that I put them above and beyond anything. He is also lucky that I haven't had an affair b/c i am so lonely and hurt. I feel more alone now than I have since I was single!!
I am not the cheating kind, but honestly I feel that way. I ty to be a good person and honest with him and now that I find he isn't that way with me I am really tempted to jsut do what I want to do adn not tell him "b/c he will get mad"-which is what he told me!
I am curious about how you can know if he is addicted. I have never seen any instance other than some very old book on sexual positions and this porn. Could it be that he just watches occasionally with the guys and really did find this movie and just watched it at home b/c he just found it? I am so stupid, but before I get too final in my feelings I have to know what is going on.
I hope other porn addicts understand there are women likeme who don't want to put up with it!
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 01:25 pm |
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Porn is hurtful. It has nothing to do with enough attention, how cute you are or how much sex you have with your spouse. This is not your fault.
You need to open the line of communication with your husband. Talk to him and find out where he is in all of this. To me, it didn't matter if my husband was an addict or not. Porn was unacceptable in my marriage.
I can understand reading all the post here and then thinking, jeez don't want any part of that. But just because others have done things or have gotten really bad does not mean your husband is the same. Again, to me any porn is too much.
You have to talk, not only to your husband but to God.
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Sat Jun 10th, 2006 12:50 am |
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Trust....living with someone you love and not trusting them is a horrible place to be....I can relate because I am there. My partner is sober and in recovery.....but truth I always think he is one step away...like this is a weakness he will always have and I like you just hate living this way....it takes so little to shatter trust...and so long if ever to re-build it.
I have to say though that it has been just a few days since my 2 postings and I have gotton some really good replies...very helpful and they really spoke to me. I hope that helps you to, seems there are some ppl here farther in healing and understanding both addicts and partners of addicts. I know this is a hard road....I one one hand wish I was alone so there would be no others who were suffering...but that said just knowing your not alone.....is the difference between hope and hopeless-ness
take care Broken Diva
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Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2006 07:36 pm |
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Praise 6 I agree. I don't think any level or amount of porn is acceptable either, but if he is addicted then I feel like more serious action should be taken. If he has just watched some here or there, I think I could deal with that better.
Right now I just can't stand him much. I wish I had known b4 I married him, but I am stuck now. The only thing that really keeps me even trying or staying with him is the kids.
I don't want to have to send the kids with him for visitation. I guess I just have another 15-16 yrs of misery!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Jun 13th, 2006 05:00 am |
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Have you talked with him about counselling for both of you to get through this, and any other marital issues that might not have been handled? If he is willing to get help, either from your pastor or a counsellor who has experience with SA, then there is hope. If he refuses, in this one person's humble opinion, the misery will be more and more apparent to the children, and may cause more trauma than a break now.
Ignore your MIL. That is a cruel thing to say. Even if the two of you are having difficulty agreeing on the frequency of intimacy, that is absolutely no excuse for viewing porn. It may be a matter to explore for the betterment of the overall relationship, but it is a separate issue from porn.
I pray that your H will find work that does not require travel, and that both of you will work through this with Godly counsel and heal, coming through this with a stronger relationship than ever before.
TruthSeeker
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Posted: Wed Jun 14th, 2006 12:50 pm |
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Thanks, you have a very calming way with me. You seem to be very wise and understanding.
I don't know where we are yet and honestly, like i have mentioned before it changes. Sometimes we seem to do ok and at others not so good. I am still sorting things out and trying to wait and see if there is more. I know that sounds unhealthy, but it is taking all that I can do right now. i have already asked for the truth and been given lies. Asking is just giving him an excuse to make me feel like i am harassing.
I know it sounds bad, but I am just dealing with him right now and am even grateful for his time away. it gives me space and time to just relax and be a mom, rather than a worried wife.
There are more issues that I have been able to tolerate less and less. I am sure it has to do with me being upset at him. He seems to be so critical of me, the kids and our house. We can't be perfect enuf- other than our son. I wonder if part of it is b/c I always thot he was better raised than me and his family was higher social class.
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Allister
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Posted: Thu Jun 15th, 2006 05:35 pm |
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I feel it would be very helpful for the two of you to see how a Christian couple deals with this issue. I recommend "Every Heart Restored" for you and "Every Man's Battle" for your husband. I doubt his story that he just found the video. My guess is he has a frequent habit and that it includes masturbation. He feels too guilty and ashamed to admitt it and/or he wants to hide it so he can keep doing it.
I think it usually is an addiction because the chemical pleasure that comes 1) from looking at naked women and 2) from masturbation. I do not know how old your husband is, but he probably started masturbating and looking lustfully at around 11/12 years of age. When he was single he was probably doing it daily, and then less when he had a wife or other sexual partner. So if you do the math, you can see this "habit" has been reinforced by probably thousands of masturbatory orgasims. The conditioning that occurs rapidly turns a habit into an addiction that a man will lie to protect. But I have to agree, any porn, or other lust, is unacceptable.
Last edited on Thu Jun 15th, 2006 05:37 pm by Allister
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