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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 06:21 am |
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I found this site today and realized there was a forum and I am asking for help
I am crying as I write this I am so desperate for someone , anyone who knows the pain of what my husband has done. I know i should be ok, he is in S.A and sober now for almost 2 yrs...why do I still hurt so much, why can I not just be better let go of the past and be ok..?? I have so much confusion and anger and pain and shame, I feel like I am drowning, time has passed and i keep it to myself , try to be ok and all I should be to everyone.... but I feel dead inside ...the things he did , the betrayal , the sick behaviour the overwhelming feeling of how stupid i was not to see it..sense it ...how could i have missed it....this is worse than just meeting someone in a bar and cheating....the behaviour is so disturbing to me...and I feel like the shame and filth was put on me because i un knowingly let this man have sex with me while he did these things on the side , looked at these women and....oh god help me it's just to much. I have to leave him, I cannot do this anymore. I would rather be alone than to wrestle with these demons
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Newbie
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 08:29 am |
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This is my first time to this site and I don't have much information or advice to give you. I also am not sure of your situation.
I did want to say that I too am feeling much like you are. My situation is a little unsure to me since my husband (that i thot wouldn't lie to me) has lied to me about watching porn. I don't know that he is addicted, but what i do know is that he has watched it during teh 5 years we have been married and I just found out when our son was running a temp and I saw the TV on late one night.
I feel betrayed, lied to, i doubted my own attractiveness and sexuality.
He works away from home for a week adn then is home a week so I have concerns there as well. To make matters worse, his mother told me that maybe we don't give our men enuf attention  .
So, just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone! I don't know how to heal this b/c I don't even knw if I will ever find out the truth and he is away so much. I feel like I am on a daily emotional roller coaster  .
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looking4light
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 03:12 am |
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I am so sorry you are still struggling, this addiction leaves such a lasting effect on those of us who are inncocent victims.
Please understand that you have been damaged in all of this also. You cannot go through an experience that leaves you questioning your self worth, beauty, attractiveness and not expect it to leave a lasting impact. What have YOU done to recover? It is time to look after yourself, it was not your addiction, you need to heal.
Was he able to recover on his own? No. He needed help. Why do you think that you can heal on your own? You have suffered so much pain, so many hopes and dreams have died, you can't expect that just because he is in recovery you automatically should be. You need to learn to be you again. You need stop being the wife of a SA and start being the beautiful person that you are, that has been buried by all this sickness. It's in there, but you have push it deep inside and have built many walls around yourself to protect that beauty within.
There are things you can do to begin to heal. Look for a SANON or COSA group in your area. Look for a therapist that deals with addiction recovery. There is also a great group for couples called RCA, all of these have websites with contact information. There is also a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It has some wonderful steps towards healing and breaking free of the cycle of reliving an addicts behaviour.
You are being too hard on yourself, you did not ask for this, you did not cause this. All you did was love a man who did not undedrstand how to truly love you back. He is well on the way to his recovery, you need to focus on yours. God will not let you fall if you reach out to Him.
I'm sorry I know this is a long post but I would like to share a story I found that I found helped me to understand my feelings.
The Suitcase
A pastor is trying to explain to SA what his wife is feeling now after he has revealed his addiction to her. The pastor uses the following word picture ...
The sex addict has this suitcase that he's carrying around with him. In this suitcase goes every acting out behavior that he's ever done ... so over time, the suitcase gets heavier and heavier with all these pieces in it.
When the husband finally confesses the sex addiction to his wife, he passes the suitcase to her. (That suitcase represents for her all the pain, the broken trust, the betrayal, etc. that the wife is now feeling.) Now, he is free of that weight and seems to be reveling in joy and life and embracing recovery. And he feels ready to move into the furture and leave the past behind. but, now she is carrying that hevy suitcase and she has no one to give it to! Just as it was filled piece by piece, it can only be emptied piece by piece.
The wife's burden is lightened, she heals, only as each piece of the suitcase is removed by the husband and he repents, acknowledges the pain that the piece cuased, offers restitution to restore the relationship, and she is able to forgive. This can only happen over a long period of time ... it is not instantaneous as it might be for the husband because the wife has no one that she can pass the suitcase to!
God Bless
J
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 01:34 pm |
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I sure can relate. My husband was sober over 3 years when I thought I would absolutely go insane. He had stopped the porn and all acting out. He had gotten better. I had gotten more and more bitter. I was angry. I was resentful. I was hurt. I was triggered by everything. I thought I could not live like this. I had to get out of the marriage. The damage was too great. The pain to overwhelming.
Then the lord spoke to my heart. I turned to Matthew 18:21-35.
I realized that my husband had done a complete turn around. He had done terrible things for the first 15 1/2 years of our marriage. He was deeply remorsed about it. He was doing everything in his power to fix things. I was doing everything in my power to stay resentful. I finally asked God to help be forgive my husband and then my shackles were removed.
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Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2006 07:41 pm |
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Yes! I can relate to the "being triggered by everything". I feel like i am on an emotional roller coaster that I have no control over. It seems a regular conversation can somehow be related to his lying or ppl lusting after bodies. I find myself teetering betweeen using the situation to clear out some frustration and letting him know how I feel or jsut trying to pretend to be normal and forget about what is giong on in my mind.
I was curious about the acting out. I thik I may know what you mean, but could you explain adn maybe give examples?
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Praise6
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Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2006 08:17 pm |
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Newbie wrote: I was curious about the acting out. I thik I may know what you mean, but could you explain adn maybe give examples?
My husband used other means to masturbate besides internet porn. He used phones, binoculars, fantasizing about his boss, my sisters, people on the street. Anything that he did that medicated him with sexual thoughts and or masturbated was acting out.
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Posted: Mon Jun 12th, 2006 10:47 pm |
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| Wow. More stuff to think about. Thanks for the clarification. Had you not told me I would have never thot ppl would do that or been able to imagine what all the could do.
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