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Insignificant
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| Joined: | Wed Jan 25th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2006 06:55 pm |
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My husband and I have been married for more then 8 years. We have 2 sons, and a third child on the way.
Our entire marriage I knew there was something wrong. He never liked my friends, and was controlling with the money. Before we had children and I worked, my money went on bills, and his went on who knows. After I stopped working, he changed the account password on our Bank access, and had the monthly statements stopped. For years I have not known where all the money went on, but I told myself that as long as the bills were paid, and there was food for my children, it didn't matter. I knew that sometimes he went to strip clubs with his friends, but we were young....he was sowing his wild oats....and I ignored it.
In October of 2005, he called me up and confessed that the Christmas fund we had saved to buy our boy's gifts had been spent. All $500....all in one night at the stip club. I was so upset, I couldn't even yell. I just said, "Okay." Our parents got together to buy our children's Gifts this last Christmas. He seemed so appologetic...so genuinly sorry, and swore he would never get that carried away ever again. I believed him.
Then only 2 months later, I got a letter from the bank saying the check I had written to the grocery store had bounced, along with 2 others saying that charges to a certain website had bounced. I looked them up, and they were Porn sites. I confronted him with it when he came home, and he told me that it was just the one time...it was just a coincidence that they had bounced. I did the only thing I could think of....I Bluffed.
I told him that I knew he was lying, and he gave me this LOOK and asked how I knew that. I said I had contacted the bank, and they gave me the access code. I had seen it all, and I KNEW it wasn't just that one time. He immediatly went to the computer, pulled up the bank account online, and called 5 different places and cancelled his supsctiptions. While he was on the phone with them, he left the account online and went outside for a cigarrette. I was right. I didn't even look at past months since I knew I didn't have much time till he came back in, but in only ONE week he had spent $100 on different Porn sites. How long had he been doing this? How much HAS he spent? I knew there was a problem..I KNEW it, and yet, I didn't SEE it.
He of course refuses to admit that he has a problem. He says it's all my fault for not giving him sex often enough, and not doing sexual things that I was uncomfortable doing. He said that if I cut my hair, dyed it, bought wigs and costumes that he would stop. I told him I couldn't have sex with him knowing that he was fantisizing that I was someone else.
I went to a therapist the other day for the first time. My OB recommended her. I only talked to her for one hour...and yet she made me realize a lot.
I haven't enjoyed sex in years. It was just something I did...like the dishes or scrubbing the tub. The things she said, made me look back on WHY it was like that. She said trhat I should never have sex unless *I* wanted to.
My entire marriage I had been told that it was my Duty as a wife...and it was his Right as a husband. If I said I didn't feel like it, he would tell me things like I was a Prissy little school girl, and he shouldn't have married me. Or that I was a Prude and there was something wrong with me. If I didn't give in, he would tell me that he would find it elsewhere, or he would leave me. For years I heard this. I never really had someone older to ask. It's not something you can just go up to Mom and Dad and ask about.
I just never thought that I had a right to say no, even though I was married! For the first few years we made love about 4 or 5 times a day, and thankfully it tapered off. The last few years it's been about 2 to 3 times per week. But all those times...ALL those times I gave in when I didn't want to....
THAT'S why I don't enjoy sex. I was never given the opportunity to experience it as an act of love....it was made into a CHORE. It was what I was Supposed to do. And even though I DID give in..it STILL wasn't enough for him! He still had to have the porn and the strippers!
I feel cheap. I feel used. I feel like I will never learn to respect myself again. All I ever was to him was a quick roll in the sack. He ignored me and the kids all day every day....the only time he spoke to me was to ask me if we could be intimate, and after we did, he would go right back to ignoring me. Is that all I am? I used to have respect for myself, and I didn't even realize until lately that I DON'T anymore. And HOW can I teach my children to respect themselves and stand up for what's right, when I can't even do it for myself?
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scrappy
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| Joined: | Wed Feb 8th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 06:22 pm |
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Wow! This is EXACTLY how I have felt for the whole 8 years I have been married. As far as I know my husband hasn't spent any money on porn but I am scared about that. I also feel like sex is a chore and just do not like it at all. My husband has been complaining about how I never want it and how I don't act like I want it even when we do it. ANd how he doesn't like sex that way, but he still takes it and that makes me feel even worse.
I know how awful that feeling is and I just wante dyou to know that you are not alone in it.
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Insignificant
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Posted: Thu Feb 9th, 2006 01:28 am |
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I had contacted the bank, and they sent me the last 12 months of bankstatements.
My husband spent a shocking $8,000+ on Internet porn and strip clubs last year.
He makes $2200 per month. So he spent about 1/3 of his paycheck on that stuff. And I was rationing milk to make sure our children had enough each month.
Excuse me while I go throw up now.
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captivated
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| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 11th, 2006 03:41 am |
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| Just want you both to know, you've been prayed for. This is a tough place to be in. Do either of you have other women you get together with related to being the partner of a sex addict? Or maybe women you can share openly with and will pray for you?
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deeplyhurting
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Posted: Mon Jan 29th, 2007 12:20 am |
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| Gosh... I too struggle with those feelings and I also have the same questions out there.... I have a beautiful 13 year old girl who is just beginning to experience liking boys and how do I guide her without scaring her? How do I help her be wise without causing her alarm...? And my 15 year old son... we do talk about things and what is appropriate and inappropriate and that his walk with God and relationship with God is most important. As a parent, it is so hard to know if any of this wisdom is working in their hearts...
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splendor
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 30th, 2006 |
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 11:16 am |
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Insignificant, Please protect yourself by separating accounts he has access to. He has abused and deceived and deceived you and until he is well into therapy,you have no reason to trust him. He is out of control with his addiction and I don't want to see you in more financial trouble. Do it for yourself,your children and YES ..him.
Don't believe what he tells you. Sex Addicts are notorious liars, and very convincing. You cannot believe him without proof or actions. Also, educate yourself on Sexual Addiction. Supply yourself with armour because your in Spiritual Warfare with Satan who is trying to destroy your family.Your husband needs to get into therapy with a specialist. Most likely you don't know half the story. I have yet to see a SA come clean at the first disclosure, and sounds like he has not disclosed yet or admitted. If he refuses treatment, then I think separation is needed. These addicts need a wakeup call. I say this as a last resort, in case he won't seek counseling. He MUST GET HELP. No excuses-no "I can do it myself". God provides tools to help with addiction, and by using these tools, Gods Grace and Wisdom, it IS possible to overcome sexual addiction.
I fully understand your not wanting sex. Contrary to many public thinking, sex addicts are often lousy lovers. Why? Because many learned from porn, and think that is how sex is and expect women to react like porn stars with screaming and such. But the main reason the wife becomes bored with the sex is because it's just that- Sex without Intimacy. The intimacy becomes lost. Often the wife herself doesn't realize it.
If your husband is willing, ask him to take a online test at http://www.sexhelp.org a Dr. Carnes site.
Most importantly, it is likely your husband did more than look at those strippers. That is an incredible amount of money even for a strip club. Many strip clubs have private rooms where a man can pay for much more, more than lap dances and drinks. Protect yourself. I so sorry everytime I see another hurt by this sickness. God Bless you and your family.
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 08:44 pm |
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I think Splendor gave you excellent advice. I totally concur.
And also, please, please don't continue to think of yourself as insignificant, OK?
You ARE significant!! I pray strength for you to do what you need to do to HELP your husband... yes, you can HELP him by making him own up to what is really going on.
God loves you!! I know it probably doesn't FEEL that way right now, but I personally have never felt God's love as much as I did when I had to let go of everything I held dear. For me, it worked out that we actually are working on rebuilding. But I didn't know that when I had to make many of the choices required to get on the healing road.
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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faithfulmilspouse007
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 07:21 am |
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| Hun educate yourself on porn addiction. He needs an excuse for his out of control behavior. Even if you had sex he would still do it because the truth is he wants another. Its his fantasy world not reality...we all want what we cant have. Do not stand for it. God says that we are to give ourselves to our husbands but not as whores. You are a wife and a mother...stay that no matter what.
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