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indoubt
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Posted: Mon Dec 5th, 2005 12:32 am |
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I've been doing a lot of reading, trying to concentrate on changing myself, my attitudes, and my reactions to my husband's addiction. I don't have any proof or evidence that he's continuing to use p but I have to go by his behaviors and actions. The biggest problem for me right now is his dreams - thank God he's been working nights for the past week and again this week! The Lord works in mysterious ways. The thing is, we may have sex once a week, usually on Saturday night (I feel like it's just one more thing on his "to do" list) and always in the dark, and he isn't interested in kissing me, which bothers me a lot. It reminds me of the movie "Pretty Woman," where the prostitutes are talking about never kissing on the job because it gets too personal. Anyway, the dreams - even when we've had sex, he may have 2, 3, 4 erections during the night. And if I touch him, he rolls over to the other side of the bed and curls up so I can't reach him, or the erection disappears. Many times he's woken me up with his acting out. He laughs about it and says he's dreaming about me which, of course, makes no sense at all, when most of the time he's not even interested. I can stand naked in front of him and get no reaction at all. So I was about to tell him he'd be sleeping alone until he took care of the problem (in fact, I got up and moved to the couch several nights, but he didn't even mention it in the morning, just acted like all is well). Then he got put on nights and I REALLY enjoyed him not being home. That worried me and I felt bad because to me, that's a sign that something is VERY wrong. And it scares me that I've been happier with him away. So I tried talking to him about it, and he blew up! He's so wrapped up in himself that all he could hear was that I was "attacking" him for something. Never got it at all that our marriage is in trouble and I'm trying to save it. So I'm trying to learn to set boundaries. Like this morning, he didn't want to get up for church so I went alone. When I got back, he was all nice and I know he was expecting that I would say something about it. I didn't say a word, so he brought it up and started making excuses. I didn't even acknowledge what he was saying because I knew it was just more lies. But I had to pray for God to keep me calm and not accept his problem as mine. If he doesn't go to church, I may feel bad that we missed sharing the experience, but it's his loss. And not my problem. Some things are just not so clear-cut. Does anyone have any tips to offer on how to begin setting boundaries and what boundaries to start with?
InDoubt
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 03:53 am |
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Indoubt,
I can really relate to much of what you've shared.....even the part about your husband not seeming to want to kiss you when together sexually. Take note of things related to sexual/emotional anorexia. Honestly, this is all really tough.....and I'm in such a tough place myself regarding all of this....so I won't claim to know all the answers! I, myself, have fluctuated between trying to hit things head on and then backing way off, as he will do. Either way, I have to be careful to not get manipulative, yet to also maintain healthy, God honoring boundaries. Quite often, I wonder if I've been successful or failed.... What you shared about going to church and letting your husband reap the consequences of his own actions for not going....this was good, I thought.....sounds like you're further along the path of understanding and applying boundaries than you may think. Any further insights? How are you doing? Have you read any helpful books? I'm wanting to read "Bold Love" by Dan Allendar.
Blessings to you!
captivated
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indoubt
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 09:16 am |
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Hi,
Thanks for your reply. Things aren't going real well at the moment. I'm reading "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend; also "Finding Healing for the Betrayal of Sexual Addiction (My Husband Has a Secret)" by Molly Ann Miller. Both were very helpful and easy to read. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this. I had suspected that my h was still "using," but didn't have anything to go on except my gut. Of course, I spent the first 9 months of our marriage ignoring the feelings I had and look where that got me. Anyway, yesterday morning I got the evidence I needed to shake me out of my denial. So last night I tried to talk to him. The good news - I didn't cry and beg him not to be angry with me. The bad news - he said he has no control over his dreams ( I actually showed him the sheets, with all the stains from his m - I felt like I needed to show him something so he couldn't deny what's going on) and, as he always says when I confront him, what do I want him to do? I told him our marriage is in big trouble and I need to know if he wants to try to fix it or just give up and if he wants it, he needs to start putting some effort into it. He got an attitude and got all sarcastic. I gave him some time to calm down and tried to talk to him again but got more of the same. I slept on the couch last night, he went to bed. This morning I told him I'm fighting to save our marriage and all he would say was, "whatever." Wouldn't talk, left without saying anything at all. So, I'm going to try to hang on through the holidays and see what happens. I'm a teacher, so we have Christmas break from the 16th right up through New Year's, so I'm figuring I can start packing things up then. The thing is that I've mentioned leaving before and I think he thinks I'll just keep talking and never really do it. Maybe if he sees me packing, he'll be motivated to do something. But I'm not real hopeful. I'm not real hopeful. There are several couples in our Bible class at church who know what's going on (the whole story) and I e-mailed them this morning to pray for a miracle, but I don't know. God never changes, and he hates divorce, but he doesn't force people to do the right thing, either, so I guess His will may be that I should leave. I really HATE that my husband, whom I fell so madly in love with less than 3 years ago, has put me in this position. I almost wish I had left when I found his first "stash." Or that I'd never met him at all. I don't even know who he is anymore. Anyway, I'm off to work. I appreciate your response and will be praying for your situation. It is good to know that I'm not alone in this. Thanks.
INDOUBT
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 06:09 pm |
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No, you are not alone, indoubt. I know others here pray for you as well...I, too, appreciate knowing this. I forget, have you ever sought counseling before or a small group of some sort? Just wondering. It does sound like you're getting healthier in not begging him to not be angry when you confronted him. Anger seems to be a part of the picture for many husbands with all of this.....don't receive it though. Sometimes when "discussing things" spirals downward into harshness and unfounded criticisms and I find any more words on my part will not prove helpful, I've simply walked out of the room to not receive more unhealthy criticism. We cannot change our husbands, but we can protect ourselves with healthy, God honoring boundaries and keep asking God about it all.
About the leaving.....Have you sought the advice of any others yet? Do you have any children? Is it possible for you to seek the advice of a Christian counselor first? I'd also be interested to hear what others think about this. It could cause your husband to want to change, but I don't know. Definitely, pretending all is well, is not the answer since more has been revealed to what you already knew or he may get the message that he can get away with anything. Also, if you could read what mae wrote under the "one wife's thoughts and feelings section" since she said it better than I could about seeking God in the midst of your situation, it may encourage you. Some will suggest to get down on your face with God and not get up until you hear from Him. Even if things do not change with your husband, you will be blessed by this intimacy with God in the process.
Honestly, I am grappling with what it means to be a woman/wife and honor God in the midst of my circumstances. What does it mean to apply the principles of submission here, etc....yet also draw boundaries and deal with the craziness of marriage with a sex addict or a recovering sex addict. I know a huge piece of this is trusting God, but.... I would not have gone looking for the topic of submission on my own, but I just did a juice fast and on the first day, God gave me 4 separate resources, including scripture, on this topic. Our culture has done much to undermine the blessings of masculinity with the movement of feminism. People, even some un believers, are beginning to see these negative affects as well. Anyway, it seems there's something here which may empower our husbands to be more of a man than they would be if left to themselves. I just read most of "Under Cover" by John Bevere and am being nudged to read "Bold Love" by Dan Allendar, as well. Bold Love may be a good book for you, but I haven't read it yet.
Sorry, I haven't given you all of the answers. It is really sad that you have to go through all of this and I am very sorry....it is painful.....and as you've read, it's not your fault. I'll pray you'll have wisdom and discernment with each situation. I'd appreciate prayer for this as well! Thanks! 
captivated
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