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mae
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 12:36 pm |
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My husband and I were both ministers. We traveled evangelistically for years then God opened the door for us to run a christian radio station. My husband became addicted to porn on the internet at the radio station. He had struggled with porn since he was 8. I was unaware of this when we got married. I was very naive! things begin to happen in my marriage that were signals that he had a problem, but i did not know about porn or sex addiction. I just thought something was wrong with me or it was just something that men deal with. Many of the things he did before the internet, he blammed me for. Things begin to pop-up at work and I would confront him but there were others accessing porn besides him and he was able to blame them ( He was the general manager). Our staff eventually dwindled to me and him! Long story! Things continued to happen. I finally confronted him and he could not deny it. I had his back pressed against the wall. Many times over the years I confronted him, I did it in love!!! I told him we could get help. He has gone through counseling, on numerous occassions at first he seemed humble, it seemed he was having a heart change. This did not last very long. A few months after I confronted him a teen girl in our church accused him of trying to put his hands up her skirt. I was questioned and the drilled by the authorities he was drilled, lawyers were hired. He finally took a lie detector test and passed.He almost went to prison God was merciful! She would not consent to one. The case was never resolved. The girl in question is story changed alot and she has done things like this before. She is a very lascivious person. I do not know if it was true partially true or a total lie, but his choices and the way he has handled things, make him look guilty. The radio station we were general managers of is owned by our church. The insurance company said they would not cover the station against lawsuits concerning my husband unless he consented and passed behavioral test. He took the test twice He did not get an awful result but it was not good either. Basically it said he was highly manipulative and very narcisstic. My pastor asked my husband to resign. He offered to help my husband go to school. He let me continue to run the radio station alone. My husband and pastor decide that my husband should go to a film school (just what porn addict needs)(sarcasm here) I did not fill this was the best choice of careers and said so. It was taken out of my hands. We have five kids together and I have always homeschooled. My husband moved two hours away and begin a new career and i worked full time schooled my children and my husband totally back slid. We seperated and he would repent promise to get help then deny he had a problem and would tell me I was not treating him right he would get angry and very controlling. then he would submitt to counseling. It is a very long story I have been walking this road for four years. I just wish he would live me! I want to divorce him but I am afraid of how it will affect our younger children. I do not have peace about divorce but I feel like i am slowly dying. He has submitted to couseling again but I do not think it will do any good. I do not believe he has a desire for help because he has done nothing without me saying do this or its over. He shows very little effort in getting free or even facing the problem. I do not know what to think anymore. He tells the couselors everything they want to hear. But there is not change in our circumstances. I cannot pinpoint the porn anymore he knows computers very well and is a master at deceit. He has perfected the art of lying he can even make himself cry at will and he knows the Word backwards and forwards. I believe he wants his family but he wants his cake too. My own lack of ability to handle the situation anymore is causing problems in our home as well. I am having difficulty keeping everything in (emotionally) and my children have seen and heard more way more than they should! For this I blame myself . My husband is back home now and working but i am still supporting us and paying most of the bills, he has helped if i confronted him on it and usually an argument would happen first. My emotions are so damaged it has caused problems for my older children. My 16 year old son is angry and does not have very many friends. He does not show any interest in the opposite sex or anything else (I am fighting fear in this area) My daughter has bulimia she needs help but i cannot afford decent counseling . I struggle with eating disorders as well but I kept it at bay! My 13 is very introverted. I am so weary!!!!!!!!!!!
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captivated
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Posted: Sat Dec 3rd, 2005 02:50 am |
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mae, I am also the mother of 5 and have home schooled a bit, though I'm not doing so currently. I say this first because my immediate response is that I wish I could give you a hug, sister in Christ to sister in Christ and say WOW, you've persevered through a lot! ...and pray with you....my heart does go out to you. I have more to say, but first, I have a few questions. What is the reason your husband gave for returning home and how long has he been back? How did you feel about his reason/return? Would your church family be willing to help you find the resources to help your daughter? What were these issues with your children like prior to your husband's return? Is your daughter able to talk and open up to you? You may be aware that bulimia is a sign that she may feel her life is out of control and she is trying to maintain some level of control over her life. From what you shared about your own issues with food, it sounded like you may know this, but food "issues" are common among the spouses of sex addicts....and maybe their children as well, I'm guessing. Last, can you tell me/us any more about what your husband's relationship with your children is like and what it's been like in the past?
With care! Prayed for you!
captivated
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mae
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2005 05:59 pm |
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My husband went to a film school it is a very expensive school. You get a degree in half the time. It is one of the top film schools in the us. He could no longer continue to work at the radio station because of insurance purposes. Our pastor felt was trying to give him a chance to have a new start. This schedule is very intense so getting a job and schooling at the same time would have made it very difficult. I have continued to run the ministry by myself this has been a very overwhelming task at times I have really lost it emotionally. It has caused me to become stronger spiritually as well! I am not trained in radio. God opened the door for me to do this job and it was the only door for me. My pastor supported my husband by sending him 400.00 a month for living expenses, I sent him money as well. I also paid his car payment and insurance all the bills. He agreed on no computer and to go to couseling to let me have access to his email ect ect. He kept none of his committments. I seperated from him, He went to counseling but not because he felt he needed it. Sometimes he would open up and it seemed God was working but those occassions were very few! He went to parties with college age kids he was drinking, smoking all of which he lied about. He lied about so much! He made me feel like I was the one with the problem. There were times I felt as if I was going nuts. He came home because he graduated. I have not divorced him because I do not feel as if God has released me to. Believe me I have tried! I have wearied so many people with the going back and forth. That and my six year old son worships his father. I recently found out about my daughters bulimia she has been throwing up off and on since Feb 2005. She went on a missions trip with aquire the Fire at the end of July and when she came home she started vomiting every time she ate. She has lost a lot of weight between August and Now. My husband became very hard and selfish very up and down! We have always been christians and have raised are children with very firm foundations! When came home on the weekends he began changing rapidly within weeks. He was cussing in front of them and when they responded in shock He rebuked them harshly! Then he would come home and be the perfect dad and do everything with and for them and if I asked him about his previous behavior he would act like he did'nt know what you were talking about. Or make some excuse. ( He Came home Sep. 2005) The bulimia kicked in hard just before he came home. Sorry for jumping from one thing to the other. He ripped apart the foundation of the Word we built in our children's lives. My daughter with the bulimia has very world aspirations now and she does not seem to want anything to do with God anymore. He has worked very hard since he has been home to win them back. He has an expensive film camera as well as an inexpensive on and lets them help him alot. He pushes their wordly aspirations but but not their relationships with God. He gives when he needs. If he does not need you, he does not give. He is working at a different church now, The pastor there is aware of everything that happend. Not because my husband told him someone else told him there was a problem so this pastor called my pastor and talked to Him about it. My husband of my intense pushing has conceded to going through couseling with this other pastor. So here we go again year four of more forced counseling. He very seldom takes responsibility for his behavior everything is always other peoples fault. He refuses to see his wrongs. He has problems working with people everywhere he goes. He is very charming very casanova, the life of the party at first so people either really love him or if they are descerning they see right though him and do not like him. He is this way until he does something wrong and he is corrected then he gets mad and usually talks about how wrong that person or group of people did him. Then He comes looking for something from me because his high of popularity has run out. I could go on and on and on! I hope this has shed some light on our situation.
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mae
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2005 06:00 pm |
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By the way, Thank you so much for praying for me!!!
Mae
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captivated
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2005 07:21 pm |
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Mae,
Wow, there are so many issues with your situation.....my heart truly does go out to you! The thing which seems to be most urgent to me, since it involves your daughter's physical health, is getting her the help she needs to overcome her bulimia. This eating disorder does internal damage which we're not always aware of, so I would see what we are able to do to get her the help she needs. She has thrown up a lot! Sounds like you have a good youth program for your kids and like you're doing everything you can to give them a good, Christ-centered life, but sometimes when they feel things are falling apart at home, kids...especially girls.....will turn to controlling food because so much else in their lives is out of control. That said, I know of a program called Mercy Ministries which is designed to help young girls in many situations, including eating disorders, to get helped and healed, etc.... They start at 16 yr-s, but the flyer I have says that in certain cases, they will receive someone at 13-15 yr-s of age. Check out their web site on line at http://www.mercyministries.com
My kids need me now and I want you to get this web address info, but I will pray....you are not alone......and I'll write more later. You have and continue to persevere through a lot and I'm sure are a pillar of strength to your family with the power of Christ within you! Also, if you'd like to send me a private message, feel free, and maybe we can share more information that way.
 With care,
Captivated
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 04:03 am |
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mae,
I know what it is to need the touch of God...and have been so thankful for the prayer warriors He's provided for me....I'm really glad to pray for you! Is your husband continuing to go for counseling? Has he ever repented? If not, do you believe the only reason he remains at home is a financial one? I'd really like to hear what some others have to say....this is tough!!
captivated
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mae
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 10:33 am |
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There have been times that it seemed as if God was changing his heart, then things would go right back to the way they were. He is going through counseling now. I do not know if money is his reason or not, I have wondered the same thing. He has a job doing the video at a very large charge church. He says he has repented but I have seen very little evidence of brokenness. I have seen consistent pride and anger.
Mae
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mae
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 10:52 am |
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Hi Captivated,
I read your post about my husbands revelation. I have asked him to be honest with me, but i have not wanted details. More along the lines if he was having a problem to let me know about his struggle, so I could pray with him. If he slipped- to tell me.
We were having a heated discussion, and he went into some of the things he had done, he sounded very angry! It felt like he was trying to hurt me. In the past he looked at porn while me very young son and nephew where in the same room. He left it on the pc for me to find. He was angry at me and said he did it to hurt me. We were in a couseling session together when he confessed this to the counselor. He said he was sorry and that i did not deserve being treated this way.
He seems to want people to think he is clean but its seems to be more of an appearance thing than a heart thing. But only God knows what in his heart. He has gone back and forth so much I do not know who he is. There has been a consistent pride, anger, and victim mentality on his part. There has been very little evidence of sorrow on his part for anything! He has consistently blamed me and anyone he can think of for the way his life has turned out. He has acted like he has been the victim. Deception and denial!
Mae
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 06:26 pm |
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mae,
I only have a few moments, but wanted to get back to you and also let you know how much your post on other forum blessed me!  What you stated about where we're to ultimately find our strength and wisdom...intimacy and EVERYTHING is so true and good and well put! It really blessed my heart!
I do believe, from what you shared, that your assessments concerning your husband are probably accurate. In my head, I understand, it's all about his woundedness and not going to God himself, but to lust, etc....and then dealing with the shame, etc..... , BUT this does not make it any simpler for you when he tries to hurt and blame you. It sounds like you have very much wisdom, actually......like you have persevered long and hard, etc.... Is there anything in the financial area, since you are the main source of support for your family, which would give you leverage to gain your husband's attention and "encourage" him to truly want change and dependence on God. A friend of mine has said we don't do our husbands any favors when we allow behaviors which will keep them from God. While this does get into theology a bit and I don't know what the exact application is for you, I will pray for you and walk with you....and would also appreciate your prayers for me. You are brave....and I can tell you're really seeking to have the heart of God for your family and He will lead you by His Spirit and bless that!
With care,
captivated
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Praise6
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Posted: Mon Dec 12th, 2005 05:50 pm |
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Mae
I am sorry you find yourself here. I am a mother of 6 and I am bulimic. My oldest daughter, 14 is experimenting it seems with cutting. I can empathize with feelings of being overwhelmed.
Praying now for you
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captivated
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Posted: Tue Dec 13th, 2005 01:38 am |
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mae,
continuing to pray as well !!!
captivated
Last edited on Tue Dec 13th, 2005 04:54 pm by captivated
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mae
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Posted: Wed Dec 14th, 2005 10:58 am |
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Thank you so much for your prayers! I am struggling with anger and bitterness! I know this is wrong and I am fighting a battle with bombarding thoughts! My Dh is so hardhearted and blind! But he says he is living in Gods will. Go figure. Deep deception. Need prayer! My heart is so broken and hurts so bad i can hardly breathe.
mae
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Wed Dec 14th, 2005 12:24 pm |
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Hi Mae,
I can relate to that rubbish about living in God's will. I think what has happened are these types of men are "Samsons". The spirit of God has departed from them, but they don't even know it. I feel sorry for anyone who is so deluded.
I hope this isn't against forum rules, but there is a site with a really good course for the wives of addicts. It is settingcaptivesfree.com ... I took the United Front course, it's a 60-day course, and it helped me greatly with those negative feelings. I'm now strong enough and calm enough to really handle this thing from a better standpoint.
I'm praying you can overcome the anger and bitterness. Please don't let it eat you up. HUGS!
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Dec 14th, 2005 01:47 pm |
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mae wrote: Thank you so much for your prayers! I am struggling with anger and bitterness! I know this is wrong and I am fighting a battle with bombarding thoughts! My Dh is so hardhearted and blind! But he says he is living in Gods will. Go figure. Deep deception. Need prayer! My heart is so broken and hurts so bad i can hardly breathe.
Mae,
I can hear the desperation in your voice as well. Again, I ache with you and am so sorry for your pain. What Joel2:25 suggested may be helpful....getting the truths of God's Word into your mind and spirit in this area. "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend may also be helpful. I would like to pray for you here.
Lord, we lift up our sister, Mae, here. She is hurting....angry....wounded.....burdened by the weight of the responsibilities on her shoulders......and by the injustices from her husband. You see and know her heart, Lord. You know her desire is for You....to honor and glorify you in the midst of these trials. We know there is "just" anger, Lord, and that even You are angry over what Satan is doing to families with so many addictions! Yet, we pray a shield of protection around and over mae, in Jesus' Name....that the forces of darkness coming at her, bombarding her with so many things, would be unable to come at her or cause any more harm. In the mighty Name of Jesus, I call her body, soul (mind, will and emotions) and spirit into alignment under Your Holy Spirit in Jesus' Name. Please give her great clarity, Lord. You tell us that if we ask for wisdom, You will give it. We are asking for Your spirit of wisdom and discernment for our sister, Lord. Let her feel Your "hug" today, Lord and really feel Your abundant love for her, carrying and strengthening her. Give her Your heart and love for this situation out of her own abundance in You....Your forgiveness as well, that she would be able to have your peace which passes understanding to guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Where boundaries are to be drawn with her husband, show her and give her all she needs in words, attitude and actions to carry them out in a godly manner. Please place people into her daily life who she can be real with....people who will support she and her children and help them get all they need as a family to be free of this deception. When her husband says things which are unfair, untrue, etc.... I ask You to protect her, Lord, from receiving these things into her spirit.....that the fiery darts of the enemy would just fall to the ground and have no power to manipulate, control or wound her, for she is Your daughter and protected under the blood of the risen Lamb, Jesus. Show us how to support, love and pray for her, as well, Lord. Be glorified in this situation as You do what we in our own power cannot......and be glorified in these forums. In Jesus' Name. Amen
That book I mentioned, Mae, did give me some help in determining how to protect myself and my children at one point....my actions also motivated my husband to get some much needed support for himself at the time. If he had chosen not to, my own responses might have had to be very different. Keep asking God and we will join with you. Keep in touch.
With care,
captivated
Last edited on Wed Dec 14th, 2005 02:10 pm by captivated
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