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torntired
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Posted: Sat May 31st, 2008 05:36 am |
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| I'll try to keep this short. My bf is leaving me because I won't perform his fetish and/or put up with his m and internet activities. I know I'm right in standing my ground, but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less. He kept promising things would change, that he would try to give it all up, but he's finally succumbing to his strongholds enough to lose everything. He actually had the nerve to say that if only I would perform his fetish, everything would be fine between us. He's trying to make me think it's my fault. I feel so utterly used....years of my life wasted on broken promises. He was staying in this relationship thinking he could break me down, change me into what he wanted. I feel so stupid, hurt, and angry.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat May 31st, 2008 01:33 pm |
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i am sorry you are going through this. sounds like you have really been put through the ringer. i am proud that you are not giving into doing things you know are wrong. you never know how god may use your act of faithfulness here to help your bf see that he has a problem and needs to change. am praying for you.
sam
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torntired
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 02:40 pm |
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| Thank you for responding Sam. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm so hurt and angry that I mean so little to him. I know it's a lie from the devil, but right now I feel worthless. I love him so much. I wanted to marry this man. He wants his freedom, but he's already trying to make plans with me to still spend time together. He thinks I'm going to allowing him to dive deeper and deeper into his p and m yet still be in my life, until he finds the next woman that will do what he wants her to do. I am praying for the strength to resist the temptation to see him or talk to him. It will be hard because we were inseparable. I'm grieving not only the loss of my relationship, but the loss of my best friend. I really need advice on how to cope with this from other men or women on this forum. I'l be starting counseling in two weeks, I'm really trying to stay positive and keep busy, but I keep having moments of sobbing and doubt. My friends and family just don't understand.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 08:18 pm |
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Hi torntired,
I sorrow with you for your lost relationship, dashed hopes and dreams, and the grief you are experiencing.
No, that which is right and best is not always easy, or without cost. I am glad that you have tried to be gracious and supportive, and gladder still that you are seeing that he does not desire change and is deceiving you.
Keeping busy is good. This is a good time to reach out to christian sisters who may be of support, even if your friendship may have taken a back seat to your romance. I have learned that female friends are always important to have.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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love&hate
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 09:37 pm |
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Hello Torntired. You are not worthless and actually are quite smart. In fact you sound like quite a woman to me, a woman that an addict like your boyfriend is not worthy of.
As a single male addict myself i remember years ago when i was dating and when i would fall i would want my girlfriend to watch porn with me and i would tell her my fantasies hoping that she would perform them with me. For an addict their addiction is the most important thing in their lives. That is why it tears up relationships, with God and other people. They live much of their life not awake but in fantasy.
Is your bf a christian? Are you?
First of all congratulations on making the right decision! It sounds like you love this man very much and gave years of yourself to him. I understand to some degree what you are going through.
God has told us in Mattew 10
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
So you made a decision and said as much as you love your bf you will not live his fantasies as you know they are wrong. It appears to me that you are choosing God or Godliness over your bf. If you are a christian then this will be the test. Who or what will you lean on now in your grief and sorrow? Yes i know you love your bf still but please continue to seek God for his love and affection. I realize it is not the same as a physical touch and sometimes you need the support of friends and family around you as well as a forum such as this. But in the end it is God that is able to sustain you.
I don't have this down pat myself yet. If i would truly surrender to God and let Him sustain me than i would proably not dip water from the well of pornography. But this is the truth as i understand it. Please keep fighing and seeking God.
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torntired
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 09:10 pm |
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Thank you for your responses. I'm definitely trying to keep myself busy with friends and projects. He keeps calling and saying he loves me and keeps suggesting we see each other. It's so painful. How does he say he loves me and mean it? He just destroyed our life together because he wanted to freely do m and porn! How is that love in his eyes? Why is he tormenting me this way? His fantasies are more important than me...how come he can't see how devastating that is to me?
Yes, I am a Christian. I know my bf accepted Christ years ago, but just doesn't see the value of having a personal relationship with Christ, even though those words would never come out of his mouth. I am trying to remember that I need to lean on God right now. I know in my heart I've made the right choice, but my heart still aches. Occasionally I start blaming myself for a lot of the problems. When we met I wasn't doing well spiritually. I allowed him to pressure me into a sexual relationship which I of course was convicted about. And then to add insult to injury, he began to be uninterested in me majority of the time anyway. Now I'm wondering what would have happened if I had stuck my ground in that area, if we had prayed together more, etc. if things would be different...I'm just thankful that despite my mistakes and falls, God is still there with open arms. I really just want to live for Him...everything else is so pointless. I think I stayed in the relationship this long just because I was praying and desperately hoping for an amazing testimony of healing for him and ultimately our relationship. I guess God has other plans. I know I need to concentrate on my own healing and understand the reasons behind the decisions I made.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 11:13 pm |
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Hi torntired,
I thank God for those always open arms!
I believe it is possible to block the numbers from which he is most likely to call, but hope that won't be necessary.
It sounds like he is indulging in yet another fantasy--that he can betray your trust continually and you will still be there for him to tread upon.
Hugs,
TruthSeeker
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torntired
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 01:41 pm |
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I finally changed my number and blocked his emails last weekend. For the past month it's been some emotional torture game he's been playing and I had to make it stop. He spouts off all these hurtful things trying to make this break up about anything but his addiction, yet he basically says that if I'll do his fetish he still wants to be with me. It is so incredibily sick that this man has based my worth and our whole relationship on one selfish desire. And even though I know this I still miss him terribly. I miss the man I fell in love with. I really feel like he is two different people. But no matter what I feel I know I need to move on and and regain who I am. I started to believe the lies the Enemy was placing in my life through my ex. Of course there is a part of me that wants nothing more than for him to get serious help and eventually we get back together...but I know I need to focus on myself and my healing because that may never happen.
I truly covet prayers for healing for both of us, the strength to stay away from him, and for strength to pick up the pieces and follow God's will for my life.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 01:51 pm |
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knowing what needs to be done and following through with it is very hard at times. stay strong honey, you can do it. i am praying for you both.
sam
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