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October94wedding
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 11:03 pm |
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Hello
On 3/31/08 I started this journey of discovery. I learned that in 2003 he started looking at porn. In 2006 he started to get massages with happy endings(oral sex and hand jobs) and in 2007 he began having sex with them. My husband has repented with weeping, he said that he was powerless to stop and was so relieved that I finally found out because he was to ashamed to tell me. He says that God has changed him and he doesn't feel the pull to do those things. I do see a change in him. He seems to be at peace and is actually nice to me and my oldest son. (He was very critical of us and yelled alot.)
Since, my discovery I have experienced every emotion there is. One day I am up and the next day I am down. At the begining I said that our marriage of 13 years was over and I wanted a divorce. I got mad at people who told me to reconcile. Now, I am getting mad when people say that I should divorce. My husband and I are now separted, he is paying for two households(his and mine). I am a stay at home mom, I have no job skill or college degree. I trusted my husband to take care of me and protect me. I am very mad every time I think about having to get a job and having to find day care for my children(10 and 4). My childen go to a Christian school and now there is no money for that unless I go to work. At this point, I am begining to think that staying to together because of the children might be the best for all involved. For me so that I don't have to work, for the kids to stay at the Christian school and for my husband to prove that he is changed. Oh how I need prayers and support.
I have learned for reading other posts, that I am not alone in my struggle.
October94weding
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sam
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 11:12 pm |
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hi there,
so sorry to hear about your troubles. you can count on getting plenty of prayer here. may god bless you and guide you to the decision that he wants you to make.
sam
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 11:54 pm |
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There is a really good website for addicts and wives of addicts. http://www.purelifeministries.org
Lot's of answers and help for women with problem husbands.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 21st, 2008 09:21 am |
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Hi October94wedding,
No, you are most definitely not alone. Infidelity makes us question everything we thought we ever knew--about our husbands, ourselves, and sometimes even God. The roller-coaster is completely normal.
While you may have grounds for divorce, it is my personal opinion that if your husband is repentent, and backing that repentance up with behavior, that divorce is a premature consideration. God is in the business of healing marriage, particularly when both partners are believers, and seek His healing. Yes, it will be work. Counsel for both of you, together and separately, is wise. It is the rare addict who is able to pull off a solo recovery.
Please do not be satisfied with just enough harmony to stick it out for the kids. God has a beautiful plan for marriage, and He can bring the two of you to it, or back to it, if you are both willing. Yes, this will leave a scar, but understand that scar tissue is often stronger than the original tissue.
Does your pastor know of your situation? If he does not have experience in counselling couples in your situation, hopefully he will know of a resource in your area.
I have found much helpful information at
Pure Intimacy
Troubled With
and
Celebrate Recovery
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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October94wedding
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 02:06 pm |
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I have read many posts on this site and I wonder why we "Christian Women" put up this this junk year after year. Is it possible that our men are taking advantage of the fact that we are "Christians" and won't leave them. In a way they are abusing us every time they use porn or go to a prositute. They are reopening heart wounds and exposing their women to STDs.
My husband says that he had addiction. God has set him free.
October94wedding
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 03:42 pm |
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Speaking from a man's perspective, one who has been literally free of this for going on seven years - the answer is yes, they are taking advantage. But you must understand that they are in such a state of selfishness that the "Christian" wife is no particular target, just another person in a very objectified world in which even themselves are objects to a certain extent. Today's surface Christianity can be part of the problem itself, in that they mistake their true state of rebellion and sinfulness as being something looked over by a loving God. Many have not come to an utter place of repentance in which they have found themselves as truly nothing before the Holy King of Heaven. This can go on for years and years with endless justifications being accepted instead of a real change of heart. It is the heart that God is after. And as long as men enjoy and love and crave after their sin, it will continue to be their idol upon which all else is sacrificed to one extent or another.
The problem is, the altar of sexual idolatry is first, the wife is second, and God is some distant third. When God is loved above all else, the rest of this will almost simply (in a way) fall into line and the woman will find herself adored once again. But saying and thinking and going through certain motions which seem like God is first when the idol has not been torn down and destroyed, leaves one in probably a worse state than if God was not in the picture. The image of God becomes perverted in one's mind and the truth is not known. If the truth were really known, apprehended in the interiors of the soul, the person would be set free - literally - not figuratively - just like Jesus said. All habitual sin is kept in place by a lie or a series of lies lodged somewhere deep within the being, and must be faced and removed for the truth to penetrate. A true seeker will continually go to God for the light to uncover that which keeps the soul in bondage. But they need to come to the place of willingness to let that light shine on what they've never let light shine onto or into before. Part of the Love for Christ is the Love for Truth - all truth - no matter what the cost. I know this for a fact.
Wilderness Voice
Last edited on Sat May 24th, 2008 03:51 pm by Wilderness Voice
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October94wedding
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 07:08 pm |
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So, should I believe my husband when he says God has set him free. I don't doubt God's power to deliver, I doubt the words coming from a man who has led to me for atleast 5 years. Sure my husband has repented and is now reading the bible, going to church and praying, BUT how do I know if he is telling me the truth or just saying the things he knows that I to hear?
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 10:13 pm |
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That, I can't tell you. My wife knew when it was real - the most obvious answer is because it really was real. I had changed in so many ways and changed even further after that - all to the good and by the Spirit of God. You can read my Testimony in the Introduction section. It's probably a page or two down by now.
There are places that can and do help women in your situation - those who have lost trust and have every reason to have lost it. Again, my wife and I highly recommend Pure Life Ministries. They have people there who have been to hell and back. I did not go through that program. God actually got ahold of me in a different way, but it was the path of the cross none-the-less. We discovered Pure Life Ministries a few years back and keep in touch with them and have followed their ministry closely. I came to Blazing Grace last year because my wife found it and thought I might be able to help some people on here. I am not here as a recovering addict. I no longer have an addiction and actually never referred to it as anything but bondage to sin.
Others seem to have received help from some other places also. But it is very typical for the women to need a lot of counseling, etc.
WV
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun May 25th, 2008 01:28 am |
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Hi October94wedding,
Only time will show you the truth of whether or not change is real and lasting. It is wise to try and strike a balance between watchfulness and paranoia. Keeping close to God and seeking His wisdom and discernment is also helpful.
TruthSeeker
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Tue May 27th, 2008 07:37 pm |
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Here is an excellent podcast (you can listen online) on Ministering to Hurting Wives. Various situations discusses by Jeff and Rose Colon (14 years in repaired marriage from deep sexual sin). These people are wonderful and have ministered to all types of problems from wives of husbands who are repentive and struggling to those who are unrepentive and still cheating.
http://www.purelifeministries.org/podcast
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October94wedding
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 10:35 pm |
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Truthseeker
Thank you for your reply. I will keep close to God, this is such an emotional time and I need God's strength in my life to get through. I know that God is in control.
October
Last edited on Wed May 28th, 2008 10:38 pm by October94wedding
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October94wedding
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 10:41 pm |
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WV
Thanks! I will listen to it when the kids are sleeping.
October
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October94wedding
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 10:46 pm |
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One of the biggest regrets I have since I found out about my husbands sin is telling a certain family member. Who in turn told the rest of the family. If we get back together it will make for an ackward Christmas.
October
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onewife
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Posted: Fri May 30th, 2008 04:53 pm |
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Hi..it sounds like your husband is basically a good man that you love ..who really made a mess of things. If you sense true repentance- not just regret that he was "caught"- I hope you will be able to forgive and reconcile-it is pleasing to God, usually better for our children, financially, etc. As for that family member..blah-blah.. Everyone makes mistakes in life...don't let other peoples thoughts keep you from repairing your family. Sure the trust will take time to rebuild , but if he is truely repentant he will be understanding of your needs in this area...and you can try to be reasonable- treating him as you would want to be treated. Best wishes.Last edited on Fri May 30th, 2008 04:53 pm by onewife
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