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barbaryloki
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 06:44 am |
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I am in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. April marks my 18 month anniversary. After lots of prayer and discussion with my counselor and my sponsor, I decided a few weeks ago I was open to the possibility of dating again.
Shortly after this, a casual friend of mine asked me out on a date. Everything went wonderfully; he took me out to dinner, we laughed a lot, discussed our faith, and realized we shared many interests and ideals. He has almost five years sober and has been an absolute gentleman. We had a few more dates after that, just friendly, and decided to start seeing each other.
He told me there was something I needed to know before we got together. Four and a half years ago, he was arrested for possession of child pornography. He said he had a problem with pornography in general. He spent 3 1/2 years in prison and was released just over a year ago. He will be on parole (or probation? I get the two mixed up) for the next two years.
We spent a lot of time talking about the charge, how he was caught, what his legal restrictions are, and what he is doing about it today. He is very active in his church and sees a counselor weekly. I had a chance to meet his parole officer the other day. After we talked, I looked him up on the sex offender registry; everything he told me corresponds with the information on the website. He said he understood if I did not want to see him, and encouraged me to ask him any question I wanted.
I spoke with my counselor and my sponsor about the situation, and so far both of them are supportive of how I am approaching things.
I decided to continue seeing him and we mutually agreed to postpone sex for at least the next month, until we see how things go.
We have both been praying for guidance, maturity, and clarity. So far, I am comfortable with my decision, but I am looking for objective advice. I want to make sure I am aware of all the risks involved, on his part and mine.
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:16 pm |
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Do you have children?
And, you said postpone sex? Pre-marital sex is a disaster in and of itself for completely separate reasons. Allowing for pre-marital sex sends men a distinct message about your morals and your self worth. They will have a hard time remaining completely loyal and honoring you, when you give them sex before marriage. It is an unspoken language that men understand on an instinctual level. And, it may be just what they want - someone with morals and self-worth that matches there own lack.
"Pre-marital sex" and "active in church" shouldn't appear in the same sentence about the same person. We are told in the Bible to flee fornication.
Wilderness Voice
Last edited on Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:27 pm by Wilderness Voice
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:33 pm |
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Hi barbaryloki,
You would consider marrying him as soon as a month from now?
I don't know what church(s) the two of you attend, but the Bible we use makes it very clear that God placed sexual intimacy within the lifelong commitment of marriage. He has done this for many reasons. Gen. 2:24, before the temptation and fall in the garden of Eden, tells us "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." This places sexual intimacy on a much higher level than our culture's degradation of it to little more than an evening's sport/entertainment. 1 Cor. chapters 6 and 7 address issues of sexual sin that were troubling the church at Corinth. Sex, as God designed it, is so much more than a pleasurable physical encounter. it has the capacity to unite a couple not only in body, but in mind and spirit as well. When that union is not reserved for lifelong monogamy, the parting from each partner leaves a jaggedly torn edge of mind and spirit, and all too often the physical ravages of STD's. Even engaged couples should refrain, as many engagements never result in a wedding. It can be very damaging to that purpose of becoming one flesh to have one or both partners, even unintentionally, comparing their spouse to a previous partner. Such dissatisfaction from comparison can be a cancer in a marriage. The use of any type of pornography, child or otherwise, has the same detrimental effects. Those visual images are permanently stored in the brain, and can pop up years later, quite unbidden. I would hope that your pastor(s) would be able to provide further insight and counsel than time and space permit here. You might also look for books by Josh Harris at christianbook.com.
Please do not lose heart, though, if either or both of you have had previous partners. God, thankfully, is able to heal the wounds of our past, as we surrender them to Him, and walk in obedience in the present.
Now to your actual question. It sounds like you have both come a long way in healing from the past. As your friendship/romance grows, he should be willing to give you free access to any computers he uses, including passwords for e-mail, or anything that includes private messaging. I would not consider marriage until after his probation is concluded. I hope the help that he has been receiving is exploring the woundedness from childhood and/or adolescence that he was attempting to numb or hide from in the pornography. Another thing you may wish to consider is whether what he had was something with which he had been involved in production, or whether it was material which he downloaded from strangers. If he didn't produce it, but is a friend or acquaintance of the person who did, I hope that those ties have been completely severed. On a practical level, not that you should obsess over these things, but there are some things that may be red flags. If you are sure that he is not presently involved with porn, any noticeable change of habits could be an indicator, such as change in temperment, isolating, or having periods of time for which he will not account. This does not mean that you should hover and cling, because that does not allow trust to grow, and a relationship that does not have trust as a major part of the foundation is not likely to last.
Wishing you God's best...
Truthseeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 01:08 pm |
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P.S.
This site has an excellent series of articles, not just about sexual addiction/pornography, but about the roots of addiction in general, much of which may provide insight on your own background of addiction.
Intimacy and Addiction
TruthSeeker
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Sun Apr 13th, 2008 03:33 am |
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I don't mean to sound harsh, but give me a moment.
Run away!
My spouse and I are both "recoverying" - my spouse is not actually recovering - he abuses prescription meds like it's his job lately and he's had issues with pornography and infidelity over the years.
I have given this man 18 years of my life - if I had to do it over again, I would have left a very long time ago (or stayed gone the first time I left after five years).
In my opinion (and yes I am an addict) I think people who struggle with multiple addictions should stay single and that in no way should they marry or partner with other recoverying addicts.
Addicts are incredibly adept at putting everything on you and making you think it's all your fault - any kind of addcit (and if you are honest with yourself you will admit this is true).
I would think LONG and hard before marrying this man. Marriage is the only thing God asks you to promise, hence my reluctance to end this charade.
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