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decide2love
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 03:03 pm |
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I have been seperated from my H for 2 months now. He has been sober for 46 days. Says he hasn't looked at porn nor M'ed during that time.
I had been talking about getting a tummy tuck because I lost a lot of weight - and from my pregnancies, I have an overlap of skin in my tummy area. So he went to a site that showed pictures of before and after of this type of surgery. I confronted him with it - one because there was nudity and two because he went to the site three times and viewed many pages of pictures, not only of the tummy tuck, but also of before and after breast raises, and tried to tell me during the confrontation that it was only once, but I get a report from Covenant Eyes and it showed three times on two different days. So... He said that the Lord told him he could go and look at what the surgery might make me look like, and that he didn't remember the other two times, that he didn't know about them. I asked him why he didn't tell me that he went to look at the pictures and he said that he was sure that the Lord told him not to tell me. I blew up and stormed out of his house. I went back later because he was working on my car. He was very distant and reserved and seemed angry and kept telling me that he did nothing wrong and that he didn't view the pictures as porn. I asked him why he kept going back to the site and why he didn't just READ the reports of the proceedures and if he wanted to know what it looked like before and after on me then we could have gone to the surgeons office and he would have done a computer mock up of only me, and that I didn't think that the Lord told him that it was okay under any circumstances to look at another woman's nudity in any fashion and that I believed that he was just trying to justify and legalize his desire to look at porn and had tried to find another means of getting it. The conversation got turned around to my insecurities and my hang-ups and his sincerity that he did nothing wrong and that he was okay and still the same and still on the road to recovery and blah - blah - blah.
I just don't believe that it was Christ that told him that it was okay to look at those pictures... and I am still angry about it. He's not a doctor, he's an iron worker. I tried to explain what it did to me and he just didn't get it because he is determined that he did nothing wrong. But when I asked him about the extremely strong temptation he had (his words) the following morning, he said that it had nothing to do with the site. Now he wants to loose me from all accountability and only wants to be accountable to himself. I told him that it wouldn't work and that he needed to find a man in the church to be accountable to (which is what I have told him from the beginning). He doesn't feel that there is one in his group that he can be accountable to that would help him.
To me it sounds like he just wants to back out of it all.
We are going through counseling when the counselors show up. He has not been able to keep an appointment yet with my H and my H is greatly discouraged by this. Each time there have been emergency situation that kept the counselor or my H from meeting. We are still going to Celebrate Recovery and it is helping a good bit, but there is still so much confusion in me. I stay away from my H for a few days and I get my head straight, or what I think is straight, and then I talk to him again or meet with him and then I get confused about what I thought I had straight. I know he still has a lot of control because I keep giving it to him. I keep hoping that he has recovered enough to be the leader of the home and I give it to him again and again only to be let down with stuff like the surgery site.
We were going to pick out furniture that we both liked and now he is saying that he is going to decorate the house without me, he said that the Lord would tell him which furniture was right for him and what to buy and IF the Lord said it was o kay for me to go along the he would ask me to come with him... Which enforces the idea that he really doesn't want me to be his wife... just a part time concubine. (Whew! That was hard to type.)
He didn't take those out of town jobs, but now there is another one that came up and he leaves Sunday for a week. He will be in the same place he was two years ago where the room has the cable channels and prostitutes across the street. See, the last job he took out of town he told me that he had given serious thought to hiring a prostitute to rub his back and that he thought it would be giving her a break and make her feel good because he just wanted a back rub! I wasn't supposed to get upset about that because there was no sex involved! And I am working myself up into a frenzy about it.
I am beginning to think that he is pushing my buttons to keep me in a state of confusion so he can do whatever he likes and still saying and doing just enough to keep me holding on to hope of restoration. But I have to wonder if he is aware that he is doing this??? The addiction has such a hold on so many areas of his life and he has so much to work through, but without the counselor showing up for the sessions he is not getting what he needs and is stagnating in his recovery.
He says that I focus on all the bad stuff when we talk about his addiction or about our marriage, that he wants to work through it with me but that he wants me to praise him for his efforts and not talk about the negative. He is okay with me asking him questions as long as he prompts the discussion, and that for the last two weeks he has had noone to talk to about it because when he starts to call me and talk he remembers the questions I ask, and he asks the Lord if he should call me and that the Lord says no. During the first month he was totally open and answered any questions I had, but it has gradually come to a stop and he gets distant when I ask him about his thoughts and whether he is still sober.
Good Friday we were at church and the praise leader was a young pretty woman and he would not keep his eyes off of her. The look was not one of lust it was one of adoration, and it really bothered me. When I wouldn't talk to him about why I was bothered, he became distant again, but I didn't want his influence on what I discerned, I wanted to be able to go to the Lord myself and listen to what the Lord had to say about it because it was a new look for him. So yesterday we were talking and he brought her up in casual conversation wondering if she was part of another praise team that he knew of. I played it off and wouldn't react to his obvious manipulations to see if that was what had bothered me during that service.
He is still playing with manipulating me isn't he?! That makes me angry. Angry with myself and with him.
I have come to loathe this merry-go-round! I want to tell him to just leave me alone and fix his problem himself and just leave me out of it. But then I think... if I don't see his progress then I won't be able to trust him.
O kay WV sock it to me... Thanks.
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Wilderness Voice
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 6th, 2007 |
| Location: | Arkansas USA |
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 04:07 pm |
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D2L:
You haven't utterly lost your sense of humor! (For new readers, you'd have to go back and review other posts to understand this conversation)
D2L, why don't you lay your desire to be admired, to be heard, to be understood, to be loved on the altar? It's being tramped on and destroyed piece by piece anyway. Getting tummy tucks and whatever else is not going to change anything. It'll just make you more focused on yourself in a way that distracts you from focusing on God. You keep wanting something that isn't going to happen the way that you want it and are prolonging this process for yourself and your husband.
I truly believe you need to focus on getting things right with God yourself and not your husband. How can you fix him when you are so broken? Yes, you are seeing all of those things he's up to correctly. But you have lost sight of your own spiritual self. This does not mean that you should run and place yourself under his wayward control in some sort of wrongful humiliation. It means to let it go and get away with God. Cease from all but the most necessary interactions. You shouldn't be his accountability partner and shouldn't try to fix all he purposefully, mistakenly, lazily or whatever, fails to do. You are always taking away his opportunity to face God on his own. You continually insert yourself between him and God's judgments - not remembering that in God's justice is great mercy. You don't need to be the arbiter of God's hand upon him. Get out of the way.
Imagine how unsuccessful the outcome of the Prodigal Son would be if you, D2L, would have been there:
Luke 15: 11-And he said, A certain man had two sons: And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. ((But D2L said: no, no - hold some back, just in case this doesn't work out.)) And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living ((Except for the times D2L stepped in and pulled him out of the bars, helped him with his finances, made certain he didn't go back to the prostitutes)). And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want ((Except this never happened, because D2L made sure he had food, and kept up his house payments, and cleaned his clothes, and helped with all his decisions so that nothing really that bad would happen)). And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine ((But this never happened, because D2L wouldn't allow it, that was just too belittling)). And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him ((But D2L would hear none of this, her compassion was obviously greater than God's and she made sure he never got that hungry)). And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants ((But D2L would have none of it. First of all, he didn't deserve to be treated that well, she had done all the work keeping him alive, keeping him from sinning; it didn't work out exactly like she wanted, but she did the best she could and he certainly didn't appreciate it)). And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son ((Boy if that ever ain't true, and so D2L spent a great deal of time setting the Father straight, because the Prodigal was neither here nor there, he wasn't that bad because she didn't allow it to happen and neither was he that good, because he never completely listened to her)).
I trust you see the point. Let God do His work and you do yours.
Love in Christ
WV
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 05:08 pm |
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Hi D2L,
Forget the tummy tuck. There was a line in the marriage vows that said "for better or worse." That includes the changes to our bodies/health as we age. Your husband, if he is ever to truly love you for who you are, must do so with all the "flaws" that exist at this moment, and may exist in the future. Yes, you should care for your health, but plastic surgery is not a matter of health, but vanity, for both of you.
Even more disturbing, however, is the subtle spiritual abuse that he is incorporating in to his repertoire. I may have recommended this article to you before, but it is worth rereading.
All Abuse Hurts
Be forewarned that you will see many of the behaviors you have described here at various times. Please do not be afraid to see these behaviors for what they are, and share them with your counsellor.
Is it not possible for him to stay at a different hotel?
Clean Hotels
allows you to search for hotels by zip code which do not offer pornography.
He should not be hiring a prostitute for ANYTHING! If he has legitimate back issues, as he may, considering the physical nature of his work, he could see a chiropractor, or a certified/licensed massage therapist, preferrably in a medical setting such as a chiropractor's office, physical therapist, etc.
God's Word is His only inspired revelation to us. Yes, the Holy Spirit is that still small voice to which believers who have some maturity in the Word, and are walking in fellowship and obedience with the Lord should listen.
It never contradicts God's Word, nor suggests that someone break trust with, or hurt another. He is not doing the Lord's will, but doing his own will in the Lord's name. That is shameful! It is spiritual abuse.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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decide2love
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 05:21 pm |
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WV: yes, I got the point and thank you for putting it so bluntly! I do appreciate your candor. It helps me to know that I can post here and get the truth of the matter and you don't pull any punches  . I will print off your reply and read it often.
TS: thank you for the material. I will send the site to my H and he can take it from there. His spiritual abuse has been sublte, disconcerting, and damaging. The thing that is scary is that I think he really believes that he is hearing from the Lord and that he is not researching the written Word to find out if it is the Lord or the enemy.
Love you all! D2L
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