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LifeInParadise
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 24th, 2008 |
| Location: | Hawaii USA |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 08:07 pm |
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This website is a wonderful source of information and has actually comforted me and given me the courage to (try) and go on! I have also been on the Partners for Purity and Higher Calling websites. I do not know you all personally, but I just have to say what a blessing to have found you all! Just being able to finally make some sense of what has been happening in our lives is a relief to me! I hope I am posting this in the right place...and I apologize for the long post, but it feels so good to get this out to people who understand what you're talking about!
I love my husband of two years very dearly and am willing to do whatever it takes to help him get through his time of need. I know he is a good person who just needs to get sober! He was raised in a Catholic family, and although he has not attended church since a young child--he says he is a believer. I am a Christian. We are struggling with the recent realization that he may be sexually addicted--something that we knew nothing about--until I turned to the internet to educate myself. After reading about the struggles of others here, I am somewhat ashamed to discuss our situation--since our issue seems so mild...but it troubles me very much (daily!) and has already caused much damage to our marriage.
Within the first two weeks of dating him, I noticed he really made efforts to look at women. He would turn his head in every direction and stare--very intently, with what looked to me like a "sexually hungry" look. It would distract him to the point of interrupting our conversations, and him not being able to pay any attention to me when we were anywhere in public (even driving in a car or watching TV!). I talked to him about it and he did "tone it down". I felt it would not continue to be a problem, since he seemed to be making efforts to be more respectful and considerate of my feelings. But it has continued to the point where I now notice he is being more deceptive in his attempts to look, and he appears to seek it out, NEEDS to look and cannot seem to curtail it, despite saying he doesn't want to look. And the lying...that he didn't see anyone, he was not staring, and that it was all my imagination! He told me it was just a bad habit from him not having a girlfriend for six years before meeting me, and that he could control it, but his actions speak louder than words!
For nearly a year, he led me down that deceptive path of thinking this was my fault and that I was crazy and misinterpreting things. He told me I had low-esteem and insecurity (despite my not ever having these types of feelings before)! I felt I was not good enough for him, and that he was looking for someone better. I finally went to my doctor because I felt I was depressed and he put me on a trial of anti-depressants, which I luckily had to stop because it gave me such bad side effects. After I stopped taking them, something lifted and I suddenly saw everything with great clarity--not giving glory to the drugs because with all the praying I was doing, I know who finally opened my eyes!!!
He has not yet reached the point of fully accepting that this is HIS problem to own and is still being weighed down by his shame and guilt. If I try to discuss it (and I am a very calm person), he eventually gets very angry, throws things (sometimes punches the air, like he wants to strike me), yells at me, and will vehemently deny he did anything wrong--even when I am standing in front of him and our eyes meet after he realizes I am looking at him "in the act." Then he says he's sorry for hurting me and that he does not mean to. He does always tells me he loves me very much and that I am beautiful inside and out, and everything to him...but that's where it stops. I told him this is not enough and that he needs to learn healthier coping skills for his heart. That we have to get to the root of the problem!
He asked me why I thought he was addicted, and I told him:
~~appears to have lust for other women (denies he enjoys looking at women or has any lustful thoughts, denies looking at porn or masturbating--even in the 6 years before I met him--???, he did admit to looking at pics of women on the internet (not porn) while we were together (after I discovered them!)--on sports sites, "babe of the day/week/month/year...!!!")
~~admits when he was single and looked at women, he was trying to get their attention--but it was because he wanted a relationship and to get married (admits he developed low self-esteem and started to resent women because he could not find one that liked him)
~~wants sex or becomes sexual with me when he feels bad about something, whether it's a disagreement we're having, issues with his family, or at work (we usually do have "make-up" sex after disagreements--sorry don't mean to make it sound so casual, because he does have a lot of passion--just trying to relay the whole picture)
~~smokes pot and drinks 1/2 bottle of wine daily (did not tell me he smoked pot until I smelled it in the bathroom and admits it's to "relieve his stress" and allows him to "deal with and think about things better")
~~admits after his parents divorced when he was 10, he was left alone to fend for himself and his mom was distracted with his soon to be step-father and he probably did not get the attention/affection he needed/wanted from her. His biological father moved away and was not very involved in his life after the divorce, although they have recently started to be more in touch.
I cannot talk to any of my friends about this--we have only discussed the looking at women part, which they agree is his issue and not about me, but then they say I have to trust him more(!!!)...and that's as far as their understanding goes. I could not understand WHY it bothered me so much--since I consider myself to be an independent and confident person and never felt jealous or insecure about other women, and WHY, if he loved me so much and was so committed to our marriage vows, did he HAVE to do it at all! I realize it’s going to be a difficult road ahead of us, but I will give it my best effort. I believe the first step is praying for my husband to acknowledge and accept, so he (WE!) can start to heal--and that’s where I’ll start from today! Thanks for listening!
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 01:34 am |
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Hi LifeInParadise,
I, too, have not been through the extent of agony that many here have, but that does not mean that your pain is not real. Hopefully, you have browsed through the resources forum. There are many beneficial books and websites listed there.
I would view the illegal drug use and alcohol use as seriously as the lust. Why was he hiding it from you? Were he caught, especially with something at your home, you realize that you could be charged as well? If faith and prayer, and conversation with the person he is supposed to love most on Earth cannot help him through the stresses of life, it is time for a counsellor. I hesitate to say that there are legal drugs for anxiety, as I, personally, have concerns about their over use.
Will he not go to church with you? Believing in God, as I'm sure you know, does not a relationship make.
Welcome, and I hope you continue to find guidance and strength to face your circumstances.
TruthSeeker
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