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hope&healing
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 05:00 pm |
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My husband is doing great in his recovery. He sought help before I found out about the problem, and is now in therapy and attends 2 twelve step groups a week. I am watching him find the Lord, and trying his best to be a better father and husband. Why then am I struggling so much in believing in this? It seems the more steps he takes towards recovery, the more fearful and disbelieving I become.
I know I am afraid of being hurt again. I feel this is just a ticking time bomb. I have read that porn is more addictive than cocaine. Will this hit again next week or 1 year or 5 years from now? When will he start lieing to me again? 3 months of recovery are great, but it is still outweighed in my mind by the 18 years of lies and betrayal.
The more I believe in him, the more I will hurt when he falls. Will he use the new things he is learning as tools against me in the future? For example, he is hugging me in a way that he never has. I don't have to push him away every time he is near me because he groped me. So if he starts acting out, will he use his new found skills in touching and holding me so I don't question whether he is at it again?
My compassion wants the best for him, but I feel I am halting my own healing and ability to do my part in healing the relationship because of my fear. My words are supporting him, but not my heart. I can't control his actions, and if he returns to his P&M - he returns, but I can't live like this with all of this doubt. Relationships are built from mutual trust and respect. What am I building this relationship on when these things don't exist for me to build on. He destroyed them in me.
How have other's made it through this?
thank you,
hope&healing
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Jan 18th, 2008 04:23 pm |
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Hi hope&healing,
I know we shouldn't compare each other's experiences, but want to acknowledge that my experience has not involved the time and extent of yours, so my comments may not be helpful.
Unfortunately, time is an important factor, and the longer and deeper the betrayal, barring a miracle, the longer and more challenging the healing and establishment of trust. It can be a fine line to distinguish between irrational fear and reasonable doubt. While it is unproductive to badger our husbands with suspicion, neither should they be surprised or offended when we inquire about their recovery/accountability. Part of what they need to come to terms with is that they have hurt us deeply, and not just seek our forgiveness, but forgive themselves for having done it.
Ultimately, and I realize this is easy for me to say at my point on this journey, our hope, faith, trust, and security must first be in God alone, including that His grace is sufficient, should the worst occur, and we find ourselves in a repeating cycle.
But be encouraged! Men do break free, and God is still in the miracle business!
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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hope&healing
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Posted: Sat Jan 19th, 2008 06:14 pm |
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Thank you for your reply. Oddly enough, just writing those things down helped me. As I read what I wrote I recognized all of the fear I was feeling. Fear is not of the Lord. The pain is still there and the fear is still there, but I was able to regroup a bit and focus on living in the present. This is a new skill for me (and difficult to keep up).
My first comments show that the past and future are overwhelming to me right now and will probably be so for a long time. I am not saying I want to ignore the pain - I know I also have to work through it, but dwelling in it will destroy me.
What I have is now. Right now I have a husband who is trying. Right now he wants nothing more than recovery. Right now I see hope and light in his eyes.
I can't control what will happen in the future. I have to let go of the worry and the fear. No matter what comes I just have to pray for the strength to face the difficult times or the ability to enjoy the happy moments. May I also have the strength to remember my own insight when the pain becomes overwhelming again.
Hope&healing
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