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hope&healing
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| Joined: | Sat Dec 29th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Dec 30th, 2007 09:34 pm |
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Hi,
I am so happy to find this site. I have only known about my husbands P&M for about 2 months, but it has been the longest 2 months of my life. We have been married for 18 years. You would think I would have figured things out sooner - I definitely had signs, but I always chose to believe his lies even if my gut told me I was wrong.
Depending on the day, I have wanted so much to have a place to vent or hurt out loud. I feel I am still living in secrecy. I made sure the world saw us as happy; I made sure no one thought bad of my husband, when all along I was dieing inside from loneliness and hurt. I have kept secrets so long, and now I am keeping his secret so he can heal -It doesn't make sense. We are very involved in our church. Most of our friends are members of the church, and I know his progress will be halted if he begins to feel the judgement of others. I just feel so alone.
We are both in counseling (separately) with a counselor who specialized in SA, and he is attending a 12 step group twice a week. Right now things are good, he is really trying. He actually placed himself in therapy before I found out the truth, but I am having a very hard time believing in the future. I know this isn't just going to go away.
My husband has wanted to do a 90-day celibacy contract. I was against it at first - I figured "starvation" would only increase his desires, but I am ready to give it a try. Have any of you done this? I know we need to draw up a contract and list specifically what our behaviors will be and what we expect, but I don't even know where to start. Any ideas?
Thank you
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 02:03 pm |
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Hi Hope,
Welcome. I trust that you will find this a safe place to share and/or vent during what wil be a lengthy time of healing, as you already know.
I consider it a good sign that your husband sought out counselling, and appears dedicated to pursuing freedom from these sins. Having a counsellor with whom you can share the turmoil of your feelings is good, though if there is a woman friend whom you can trust completely, it would be good to have a second person with whom you can share outside of counselling sessions. I understand completely the inclination to protect your husband, but it is wise to consider under what circumstances that silence would need to be broken. If he is in a teaching or leadership position, I hope he has, or is considering taking a break from that while he focuses on recovery. He does not need to be specific about the reason, just that he needs some time away to be refreshed. Chances are quite high that there are other men struggling with this in your church. I hope that you both might consider your pastor trustworthy enough to share this with him, as he may know of other brothers with whom your husband could share in accountability.
No, I have not tried a celibacy contract. Hopefully your counsellor can give you guidance in this area, or you are able to find some book or internet resources about it.
Hang in there! God is still in the restoration business!
TruthSeeker
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
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Posted: Mon Dec 31st, 2007 05:18 pm |
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hi hope,
i wanted to welcome you too. you are in the right place. i also want to say that it is such a good sign that your h started seeking help before you even knew there was a problem. if it had been because he was caught red handed, then his seeking help could have just been an insincere attempt to appease you, not a true heart-felt desire to stop this destructive behavior. my prayers are with you and your h as you seek to restore your marriage.
sam
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hope&healing
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Posted: Wed Jan 2nd, 2008 02:12 pm |
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Hi,
Thank you for your replies and support. This all is such a roller coaster ride. All of sudden after midnight on the new year, my husband fell into the deepest despair I have seen him in. He cried and cried, but wouldn't really talk to me. Of course,I (the recently discovered co-dependent) forgot all of my pains and only wanted to help him. He admitted the next day he was feeling suicidal. It was scary how quickly it came upon him.
What's next?
Thanks again,
Hope&healing
P.S. We are working on a celibacy contract. We plan to begin next week once the in-laws are gone. I still don't quite understand my side of it, but we are moving forward.
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hope&healing
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Posted: Wed Jan 2nd, 2008 02:19 pm |
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I was just re-reading truth seekers comments. My husband was in a leadership position at church, but he has stepped down from that. I think he will speak with the clergy soon. It has been hard because I haven't been able to seek my own help and comfort from my clergy because it would mean giving up my husband's secret before he was ready. Once my husband speaks to him, things will get really tough. My husband will be disfellowshipped or even ex-communicated for a period of time.
I do hope to find a close woman friend as well. I friend here knows about our situation and has been amazingly forgiving and trusting in the Lord's hand in all of this. She has given me great strength, however I feel I have stifled our normal friendship. I have always struggled with developing friendships with other women. That is why I was so happy to find this sight.
Hope&healing
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 04:21 am |
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Hi Hope,
I believe we went through a similar emotional stage to what you have described. I called it a time of self-loathing. I don't believe that my husband had any suicidal plans, but was certainly of the mind that the world would have lost nothing were something to have happened to him. In my opinion, as long as there can be reasonable certainty that it is not a manipulative tactic, being supportive is very important. There are times when our husbands need to listen to our pain, and times when we need to listen to theirs, no matter how self-inflicted it has been. As porn use is often connected with already poor self-esteem, it only makes sense that facing the pain the user has inflicted upon loved ones is yet another blow to it.
I am sad to hear that you do not expect your church to be more supportive. In my opinion, the steps you mentioned would be suitable for someone who is unrepentant, but not for someone who has stepped out of leadership of his own accord, and is seeking every means possible to overcome the sin and heal the affected relationship(s). Yes, accountability is important, but so is support, and how would accountability happen if he is not in fellowship with the brothers he already knows. Isolation helps feed the cycle, not break it.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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