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decide2love
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 69 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 18th, 2007 01:35 pm |
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I wonder what's going on...
This past weekend, my H was actually civil to me and the kids. He spoke to the kids without anger and was respectful to them... Something he has not been for months. His tone with them was pleasant!
Then he went out and bought me a beautiful piece of jewelry and grilled t-bone steaks out in the freezing mist for our dinner. He was romantic and sweet, and responsive to my needs and seemed genuinly concerned about me... I told him I was shocked and amazed  . He said , "Yeah, it's been a LONG time since I bought you anything..."
His attitude hasn't been pleasant in 6 months, and he hasn't bought me anything personal for a year and a half. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I have to wonder if his actions are genuine, or are they just a put on because he was sensing that I was ready to call an end to the union. He actually offered to use his hidden money for his lunch this week so I could go to the dentist yesterday, and he used his weekly personal allotment out of his check and some of his secret money to buy the piece of jewelry.
My H does not celebrate Christmas or birthdays, or Easter. He says that there is nowhere in Scripture that says we are to celebrate these things, and that decorating a tree is an abomination and paganistic... So it was not from a Christmas spirit of giving.
I am puzzled. I asked the Lord to either change him or get him out of my life... and for a month he was horrible to live with... grumpy, angry, pessimistic, slothful, even physically abusive to me, (he didn't hit me, but he did jab me in the ribs with his elbow in the wee hours of the night to get me to move away from him, it was not a nudge - it was a jab) etc... and suddenly BANG, this change over night.
I should wait to see if this is a temporary change or what. I'm not at all sure if calling those things that are not as though they were applies here. Deception is ugly, and I'm exhausted from falling for it time and again.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 18th, 2007 07:36 pm |
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hi d2l,
i pray the change is the result of god dealing with your h and not an attempt on his part to keep you in this relationship. i'm sure time will tell. may god bless you and your family.
sam
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decide2love
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Kentucky USA |
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Posted: Wed Dec 19th, 2007 01:43 pm |
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I am bouncing back and forth between anger and confusion. There has been no mention of sorrow on his part nor has there been any mention of repentance. I get the impression that he just wants to forget the past months and move on as if they never happened.
The annimosity toward the kids is still there, although not as loud. Last night my son was clearing out his throat, he has sinus drainage, and my H asked me to go tell him not to make that noise anymore, it was driving him nuts. I told him that I would ask my son to do it in the bathroom and he said that in all his life he'd never heard anyone make that kind of noise. My H wasn't ugly, it was just the fact that my son can't even make a sound without it getting on his nerves.
So, I'm thinking that this past weekend is just a temporary ruse. If he truly had a heart change he would come to me and ask forgivness and go to the kids and ask the same. There would be an outward manifestation of repentance, a verbalization of it. Not just his being sweet to me again.
While the kids are taking some of their Christmas vacation with the grandparents, I'm going to stir up the pot and ask some pointed questions about my H's thoughts on this 'family', and if he has any intention of getting counseling for his many addictions and his anger. Just leaving 'well enough alone' is not a solution, it's enabling and demeaning. I don't even think it's a bandaid. It's more like putting a dirty rag over an open festering magoty wound and expecting it to simply go away. Out of sight does not necessarily mean out of life. Nor does it mean healing, it actually gets worse if not given the proper attention.
The thing I dislike about stirring up the pot is that so many things have gone unresolved in the past and it has brought about so much distance between my and my H that it seems redundant to do it. Each time I bring it up, the chasm gets wider and there is another earthquake. But I need some answers. If he is still not willing to be open and honest about his secrets, and willing to get counseling, and actually going to counseling, then I know he has not changed. He seems to have become comfortable in the fact that I do not bring it up as much as I did in the beginning and that I 'play it off', like it doesn't bother me. What he doesn't know is that some days I sit in this house and cry, and each day when it is time for him to come home I start to shake and my stomach ties up in knots at the thought of 'what's going to happen tonight'? Is he going to be pleasant, or is he going to be a jackal? When is that ugly side of him going to pop up again? I really hate this! 
Should I wait for him to come to me and confess or should I continue asking him if he is still 'using' and acting out? I know he is acting out, but should I let him know that I know? What would it accomplish to bring it up? He says that he feels like I am shoving it in his face each time I do. Should I bring up the negative attitude toward me and the kids again or should I leave well enough alone. Should I remain quietly complaicent and just simply move out without warning? I would like to think that this past weekend is permanent and the beginnings of his changing, but I do not want to live in the fantasy of false hope.
I guess I should face the fact that if he is not going to change, that it will only get worse. I can either simply choose to ignore it or I can leave, which is exactly the way he put it to me when I first found out two and a half years ago. I can't ignore it. I suppose I could have turned a blind eye to it, and truthfully I did for a while by hiding in prayer and wishing change upon him, but then it overflowed onto the kids. I can take a lot personally, but when it comes to messing with my kids... My problem is that when he plays the game of 'nicey nice', you know the sweet side of him, I don't want to leave. Weighing out the nice vs. ugly... there has been too much ugly. I can pray for him until the breath leaves my body, but do I want to wait and hope and in the end wish I had just left? Christ loved the religious leaders, but He did not hang around them and hope they'd change. He told them what they were and was in danger of never having and then He left them or they left Him. I am torn and feel fragmented.... and this whole thing is making me physically ill.
I'm putting thoughts on paper (so to speak). This is one of the few places I feel I can do that. All of us here have similar thoughts and concerns, and I know there are answers out there somewhere. Each of us are on the inside looking out, and each of us are on the outside looking in.
Love you all, D2L
Last edited on Fri Aug 8th, 2008 04:16 pm by decide2love
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Wed Dec 19th, 2007 02:36 pm |
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Hi D2L,
Sending hugs, and continuing to pray for your and the kids safety, and God's wisdom and discernment.
TruthSeeker
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decide2love
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Posted: Wed Dec 26th, 2007 03:38 pm |
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Well, it was brought up. Not by me but by him. I caught him going through my son's room. The excuse he used was that he was looking for the vent in his room, but the vent was clearly out in the open, next to his dresser, close to the closet, away from the bed. When I caught him he was rummaging through stuff at the foot of my son's bed. He asked me if I had a problem with it and I told him yes. He reminded me that this was his house and that he could do whatever he pleased and that nothing in his house belonged to my son but in fact belonged to him and if he wanted he could throw all of the contents of the room out on the lawn. I told him that it was his house but the bedroom was my sons room and that I had had enough of his messing with my son, and if he threw out his things that I would leave him so quick that he wouldn't know what hit him. He then told me if I was tired of his messing with my son to get him out of his house. He slept on the couch that night.
This was my Christmas gift from God. I asked the Lord to reveal things which were hidden and that I wanted to know the truth about my marriage and He did reveal them. My H had 5 days off for Christmas. All 5 days the kids were with their grandparents. Three of the five my H left evidence of his M'ing in the bed and ignored me for the most part. He thanked me when I brought him his breakfast or his supper. He sat with me three times while watching a movie. The rest of the time he sat by himself and watched movies or played solitaire on the computer all day long. Then last night at 11pm he showered and asked for me. He never offered an apology about my son's room and refused any further conversation about it.
I hope everyone had a profitable and a blessed Christmas in the Lord!
Love you all, D2L
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TK
Member
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 12:07 am |
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| As I read your various posts about your H, I wrestled with the idea to reply back to you. I'm new at this, but I wanted you to know that I know God is hearing your prayers. He may not answer your prayers just as you may wish he would, but his plan is more than we could ever imagine for ourselves. In your first post, you were puzzled about your H's generous behavior...I tend to think negatively ( this is a personality flaw that I have, but God is working on me). Anyways, my first thought was to wonder if your H was behaving in such a positive manner towards you and your children out of guilt for something. I only wondered this because my guy often buys me flowers or something when he has done something wrong. Therefore, I have been conditioned to think like the devil's advocate...(all ways looking for the other shoe to drop, so to speak). But foremost, you are a mother and you should always put your kids and their well-being first. That means taking care of yourself, too. If your not taking care of yourself, then how are you suppose to be in any functioning condition to take care of those babies God gave you on loan to tend to?So, don't let this man bring you down. I know personally, this is easier said then done...I'm struggling with my own guy and my own issues, too. But we can support each other, help each other, allow each other to vent, and encouraging one another to give these troubles to God.
____________________
-TK
"Everything Happens For A Reason."
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