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wanting to heal
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 07:19 am |
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Really? I am not expecting any answers. How does one tell another how to learn to forgive? I just find writing my honest thoughts and feelings very theraputic - but if you have any helpful insights or guidance, I would most appreciate it.
Some of you may have already read a few of my posts - so I am not going to repeat everything that happend. I have to tell you that there have been two "incidents" (that I know of anyway) over the past two weeks - most recently a couple of days ago.
God tells me to forgive. I want to follow God so I know I must forgive. It is not for me to condem or judge - but this time I am struggling with forgiving my husband for his lies and dishonesty.
I find it a lot easier to forgive my husband when he's been honest with me - when he has approached me on his own (without me finding out first). I have a VERY difficult time forgiving him when I "catch" him and I have to confront him. When he is not forthcoming on his own - I have to wonder how long it would have continued if I had not found out. Since he was not forthcoming - does he really want to change? Does he really want to mend was has been broken?
He is showing me that he wants to change...that he wants to be healed by taking action. I applaud him for that and will encourage him to continue - and help in any way I can.
What I am having difficulty with is that I really feel that he has not been completely honest about the "events" of this past week - about what he has done. I truly believe that he has lied to "soften" what he has done so that it does't seem so bad. He really has not made himself accountable by lying (or ommitting information...which is still lying).
I feel so lost. I cannot "make" him be honest with me. Honesty means respect. When he lies (again...including lying by ommission) I feel that he does not respect me - that he thinks I am naive - that he thinks he can pull the wool over my eyes.
So - getting back to forgiveness...how can I forgive him for something that he has lied about...for something he refuses to be honest about? I don't know how to forgive someone who is not honest with me.
Truth is so much easier to forgive.
I love my husband. He is good in a million other ways. I want to forgive him - and I know that I need to forgive him, but I do not know how to in light of his dishonesty.
Again - if you have any helpful guidance...I would appreciate it.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 09:50 am |
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Hi wanting to heal,
Forgiveness and trust are so closely connected that it can be difficult to impossible to separate them. Lying compounds the pain we already feel from being "cheated" on. The more often one or both sins are purpetrated, the deeper the wound to our trust. I presume that you have spelled out this emotional effect for your husband.
For me, making a conscious choice to forgive means that I choose to behave without giving root to bitterness. It does not mean that there will not be boundaries established, or that I will stick my head in the sand and blindly trust.
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 05:24 pm |
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It seems like I am saying this often...but thank you again, Truthseeker!
Your explanation makes sense to me.
You asked if I had spelled out this emotional effect for my husband - and although I may have tried to in bits and pieces throughout our conversations - I am sure I was so "all over the place" that the message did not get through.
Today I will try to "coherantly" tell him.
Saying that - I do understand how difficult it is to be completely honest with one's spouse. I cannot tell you how nervous I am about telling my husband how I am feeling and what my thoughts are. I get a knot in the middle of my stomach. I am not afraid that he is going to love me any less - or leave me - or anything like that. I really don't know why I feel so nervous...but I do - and I will always be honest with him no matter how nervous I feel - because I know it is the right thing to do - because I know that being truthful is good for our marriage.
Maybe I feel nervous because I am opening myself up...completely exposing how I feel...my inner-most thoughts and struggles???
I respect him enough to tell him - because it is unfair to him and to our marriage if I do not tell him the truth. There is no doubt that I am not myself these past few days (for obvious reasons) - and I love him and respect him to "let him in" and be honest with him as I am sure he is wondering what is going through my mind.
Anyway...I now have the book "Living with your husband's secret wars" and during my lunch break...I am skipping right to the chapter on "forgiveness". I will read the entire book...but right now I need help on the subject of forgiveness.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 05:46 pm |
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Hi wanting to heal,
I'm glad you have a book to shed some more expert input.
Sometimes anote/letter can help us share our feelings. It prevents being interrupted and side-tracked, and allows for care in word choice. Some people choose to be present when it is read, and others do not. This is not intended to replace personal communication, but more to serve as a springboard for it.
Praying for you...
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 06:45 pm |
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Hi Truthseeker...
I did just that...wrote my husband an e-mail. We will do that at times - and then come together in the evening to talk about things further.
Oh - I am so glad I got that book! I told you earlier that I was going to skip right to the chapter on forgiveness...and it's funny that one of the first things I read was about wanting to forgive too quickly (wanting to get back to "normalcy" as quickly as possible) without doing the work I need to do to work through painful feelings. It said that if forgiveness is premature - it is not complete.
Saying that...I am going to go back to the beginning of the book and read through it properly...as I should.
I still read the entire chapter - and it really and truly hit "home".
From reading just this one chapter...the "key" is both of us (my husband and myself) working towards healing - and it looks like the road to forgiveness includes (among other things of course) "coming clean" and being completely honest. I want that...I hope my husband sincerely wants that too.
God bless you, Truthseeker!
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Tue Oct 30th, 2007 02:16 pm |
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Hi again.
I have done some more reading from "secret wars" and have found the book to be interesting.
I am having a tough go of it these days. I have done what you suggested...spell out the emotional effects - but it hasn't done any good. I've given him the opportunity a couple of times to open up and tell me the truth of whatever it is that he has done that he is keeping silent about. Still nothing.
Again, I understand that I cannot force him to tell me - and that maybe (I guess) he is waiting for the "right" opportunity to tell me???
While my H is waiting for the "right" time, however...so many things are going through my head. I have to wonder why it is so difficult for him to tell me? Why is he keeping these things unsaid? Is it so bad that he does not have the courage to tell me? Is it worse than anything he has done in the past? I am not even going to get into the actual details of what is going through my mind.
He knows that I know something - yet he remains silent.
It is so frustrating because all he has to do is utter the words...whatever they are...and then we can deal with whatever it is together!
I cannot help but feel that while he carries whatever secrets he is keeping...a wall is being built between us.
I cannot tell you how badly I want him to open up with me...to knock down these walls - to be "close" again!!! I am ready to listen and my heart aches to know the truth - and to try and understand - and to work through things with him.
These last couple of days have been difficult. He has apologized for causing me sorrow...and yet there is so much sorrow and heartache and pain with whatever he is not telling me...whatever it is he is choosing to keep silent about.
I pray that God gives my H the strength and the courage to do the right thing. I know that this will not happen in "my time" (as much as I would like it to)...but in God's time. I just pray that too much time does not elapse so that the hurt gets deeper. I pray that God gives me strength throughout this time.
I pray that God gives me some peace.
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prayingforhealing
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Posted: Tue Oct 30th, 2007 11:15 pm |
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| Well forgiveness is a hard thing for me because the hurt of being lied to just stares blatently in my face. I do love my husband something fierce, but is that enough? God loves him more than I do and I read in my Bible that in order for me to be forgiven I must first forgive. BUT .................. Yeah you all know, what do we do next. Sometimes I find myself yelling at my H when I am alone to avoid fighting with him. He seems so self rightheous, but probably is hurting and what is frustrating so am I. So are we at a standstill?
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Nov 1st, 2007 04:18 pm |
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Since the topic of this thread is forgiveness, it may be worth pointing out that even God himself doesn't forgive willy-nilly. God forgives if and when we repent. Repentance consists of confession (calling the sin what it is), contrition (sorrow for the sin), and turning from the sin to pursue righteousness. That is, it involves acts of the mind, the emotions, and the will.
Honesty is foundational here. Where there's no honesty, there can't be true confession; where there's no confession, there can't be true repentance; and where there's no repentance, there can't be forgiveness.
God doesn't ask us to do more than he does. Goodness knows it's hard enough to forgive a repentant sinner, though if we've experienced God's forgiveness ourselves we should be able to forgive those who are sorry for offending us (Matthew 18:23-35), even if because of the other's tendency to recidivism we have to do it repeatedly (Matthew 18:21-2; Luke 17:3-4). We must be ready to forgive if the offender turns, and generous in forgiving many times if he struggles to remain turned, but if the offender doesn't turn, the wrath of God rests on him. In such cases, we relieve ourselves of the burden of unforgiveness, not by forgiving what's unforgivable, but by leaving vegeance to God (Romans 12:19-21).
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