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sticksnstones
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Posted: Tue Mar 11th, 2008 01:41 pm |
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I guess I am mainly writing in support. I know and understand what you speak of. My first clues to his acting out are usually in his mood, attitude and reactions toward me and our children. He changes completely into this defiant, defensive person. And when I confront him as to what is wrong, he will tell me that it's me...that I treat him like a child and he can't answer to me about his addiction....then he will either leave for a day or two or become more defensive and defiant to the point that I ask him to leave. Either way, he gets what he wants and continues on the same path and the cycle will repeat again after a month of the sweetness act.
I am at a loss. I feel so drained and tired of the cycle. I read on this board to find strength in the wisdom of the women that seem to weather this storm much better than I.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 11th, 2008 05:37 pm |
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Hi Sticksnstones,
I am praying for your strength and wisdom.
If he has not hit bottom and decided that the cycle must be broken, then you must decide whether or not you are willing to continue participating in the cycle, or are prepared to do whatever it takes to break it. That will depend on many things, such as whether physical danger is involved, such as possible STD's if he is physically unfaithful, or whether or not children are involved, and how they are being affected. Keep in mind that he is setting a poor example of how women should be treated, and that will be learned to the detriment of both daughters and future daughters-in-law.
TruthSeeker
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sticksnstones
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Posted: Tue Mar 11th, 2008 06:35 pm |
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| Thank you. I have thought that he has hit bottom several times. He sought help and was going to counseling and group meetings, but has since decided that he doesn't need the help anymore. I haven't caught him doing anything, but keep getting phone messages and texts from girls in the area where he has sought out prostitutes before, including the same prostitute I caught him with over a year ago. He said it's coincidental or all in my head or that he has no control if they are calling him. But where does he go when he disappears and won't answer his phone? Where has the unaccounted for money disappeared to? And why would they still be calling and texting him a year later? Logic tells me I know the answers, but for some reason, he can make me feel guilty for "judging" him and holding onto "negativity", telling me I am not being very Christ-like. It's hard right now because I am 5 months pregnant and have no family or friends around to help out with our other 3 young children. I was put on strict bedrest 2 months ago and will most likely have to continue it for the remainder of the pregnancy. I depend on his sporatic help. And I wonder if perhaps it is in my head...or if I am just on the down-side of the rollercoaster ride.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 02:04 am |
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Hi Sticksnstones,
It is time to remind him of the fable about the boy who cried wolf. As we tell our children, it doesn't take long to gain a bad reputation, but it can take quite a while to overcome one. If your husband wants to re-establish your trust and respect, there are concrete things he can choose to do to help.
First, all possible contact information must be changed, phone numbers, e-mail addresses, etc. You should have access to all passwords.
Secondly, he should be able to account for his time. Unless he is at work, he should be reachable by cell phone. If he is helping with shopping, the quantity of goods should equal the amount of time spent shopping.
Thirdly, he should be able to account for every dime. He should not have cash. No cash over at the grocery store, no cash for lunch, no cash for gas. All purchases can be made with a debit card for the exact amount.
1 Tim. 3 talks about characteristics of christian leaders. In my opinion they would apply to a husband who is seeking the respect of Christlike, husbandly leadership, especially after such physically and emotionally dangerous breaches of trust in which he has engaged. As the NIV puts it, he is to be above reproach.
So yes, it is a legitimate question to ask if you will forgive and try to trust, but it is an equally valid question to ask if he will do everything possible to demonstrate his trustworthiness.
TruthSeeker
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sticksnstones
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 12:42 pm |
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Those are all things that I completely agree with! And they are the points that I have brought up with him, explaining to him that those are the things I need to be able to re-establish trust in him. To me, it is not much to ask for...because if there is nothing to hide, there should be no problem. Unfortunately he doesn't see it the same way. I requested his phone logs, back in September and there has been an excuse as to why I don't have them yet since then. I asked him to not use cash, yet, he feels that is too controlling, and though he said he wouldn't, he keeps cash out from his paycheck before he gives it to me...and he only recently started to give me his checks. His job isn't an office job, he is out driving around a lot and when questioned as to why he didn't answer his phone all day, he has a variety of excuses. He guards his phone with his life and when I do get a hold of it he starts calling me "mom" and acting like a child. I ask for all of his receipts - he says he throws them away at the store-forgetting that he was supposed to save them, yet, on a few occasions I have found them in his car and indeed, they do not match his story.
I kicked him out of the house a while ago because I couldn't put up with his mouth nor his lies. He resides in the camper in the backyard. I thought perhaps it may humble him, but he has no problem with it and tells me he is happier there because he doesn't have to answer to me if he doesn't want to. He comes and goes as he pleases and then gets mad when I don't let him in to shower in the mornings when I am getting the kids off to school. I have told him he can wait until the oldest are off to school, but feels he is entitled to house privilages when ever he wants them. How else do I get through to him?? At this point I think the only reason I am still with him is because I need his help. He had my vehicle reposessed 2 weeks ago and so I have no car to get around. I am not allowed to use his car, so if I need groceries or anything, I have to have him get them. I don't know that he will ever change. I pray for his heart to be softened and for mine.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 02:16 pm |
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Hi Sticksnstones,
Unless your husband wants your home to be another feather in Satan's cap of broken/disfunctional homes, the only shower he needs is a cold one. Unless your car was repossessed due to financial hardship and not being able to make the payments, he is utterly hypocritical to call you controlling. (Getting off soap box.)
Are you attending church together? If so, it is time to make an appointment with the pastor and/or a marriage counsellor. If your husband will not be accountable to you, then to whom is he willing to be accountable. He has committed adultery, and thinks there should be no consequences? He has a long way to go, it sounds, to get a handle on what it means to love you as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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idjit
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 05:38 am |
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Hi! I just wanted to pop in here to say that... well... I'm sorry!!!!
I was an angry husband addicted to p/m. I am divorced now.
Such an interesting topic. I always wondered why I was so angry, and the male patterns I read in this thread do sound alot like me. I just thought my anger was because my wife didn't love me (oh, i know). And that was my rationale for p/m. Honestly, I just needed everyone else to revolve around me so that I could "rest" in a trouble-free stupor, and when anyone would get in my way, I would yell, or sneer or "act out". It's so amazing. When she first divorced me, I was so hurt and angry, I used porn as a weapon against God and her. Like, "ha HA! How'd ya like that!! and take this and I DON'T CARE!!! " SO SO angry. I think that if my wife were half as open and communicative as you ladies are, I would have gotten the help I needed and made a real, spiritual, change. She never confronted me, never scolded me, never told me she knew, even after the divorce. Not that I have an excuse for not stopping, or she was to blame for my sin. I am just still so sad she left. You can read my rant (if you want to be really upset with me and men in general) under "men are pigs" in the general area.
I am three weeks clean of porn, and I hope I never sin in this way again (or any other way for that matter). It is so hurtful toward women, and I (contrary to my rant) am seeing more and more every day how wicked and cruel it really is. Please ladies, never forget, it's not about you. Yeah, you might have your issues, but sinning against you behind your back is not "dealing with it", and you should be doing everything in your power to "help" him want to change (and actually love you).
Someone up there said that giving up is never an option; thank you for that. Would that I had a fighter like you, you seem like a very mighty woman, and a great friend. Please remember that you are not super-woman, and that you really are valuable and worthy of love: never let his sin convince you that there is something wrong with you.
Keep up the fight, forgive and kindly (but forcefully) push your men into recovery and reconciliation and love!!!! Or else....?
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