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decide2love
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 69 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 18th, 2007 08:49 pm |
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It is an odd thing, my previous marriage (that lasted 18 years), I knew my H had a problem with porn & MB, but I never searched his things. I knew he fooled around on me, but I never even worried about it. I actually expected it because I was taught that that was just the ways of men & not to worry about it until he stopped coming home to me. Because of the kids, I stayed with him the last 10 years of the marriage. It slowly crumbled and then the last 6 years it was just two people living under the same roof with kids - less than room mates. Room mates talk at least a little. The last three years we hardly seen each other and then the last two years he was on the road so much and we didn't even notice when we came and went.
But this mariage is WAY different. I found out about his M problem and thought it would just go away, so I tried to ignore it. Then over a year it steadily got worse, with him being out of work and depressed. He became neglectful, I became petulant. He became more distant, I became more petulant... (Circles in the circus) He swore to me that he didn't use porn and then 6 weeks ago I found porn in his car. Since then I have OBSESSED about how much money he's spending, where he's spending it, why he needs so much, cleaning out his car, looking through his wallet, comparing myself with those plastic women, looking at the other women whenever we go out to see who he might be 'scoping out' for his next 'feel good time', always feeling inadequate in everything. Dreading going out with him, but not wanting not to (confussed? OH! Yeah) And... these last two weeks not caring whether the house gets cleaned, or even if supper gets cooked. I have to make myself get up and fix his lunch, and feed our farm animals, even take a shower. It's not indifference, I just don't care if anything gets accomplished around the house. My kids see the difference and, unfortunately, they have taken on the same attitude with anger.
I'm doing the rubber band thing to not much avail (Weiss), my wrist is sore and my conscious is battered and my feet hurt from pacing (I feel like the Nascar Pace Car, round and round we go... will she ever stop or at least pull into the pit???!!!) UGGH! My neck hurts from trying to do things and trying not to do things. I'm depressed and want to wear black to match my cloud that constantly hovers over me.
I don't know how to deal with this obsessive behavior. I don't know if it was there all along and I just spent it on my kids, or this is something new because I don't want this marriage to end???... or maybe because I know he's trying to 'get recovery' on his own and I'm angry about it???...or maybe because I just want everything to be better and rosie??? I'm tired, I'm really tired. I feel like 8 hours of sleep isn't enough. I'm wanting to eat all the time. I'm having a hard time not being sarcastic about everything pertaining to him. It's ugly of me and my tongue hurts from bitting it so much. My face hurts from trying not to sneer at him or toward him. EWWW!
Self-deduction is such a pain in the keister! Keeping my eyes off him and letting him function in his own demise is extremely difficult at best.
I've just started the Celebrate Recovery program and am stuck on step three. Unfortunately my schedule doesn't allow me to go to the meetings because they conflict with my son's football schedule and the other meeting in the area conflicts with my bible study... which my H is actually involved in (Although I don't know if it's just to please me and put on a 'good' front, because he waits to do the workbook until he gets there.) (I say actually, because he hasn't wanted anything to do with church for two years.... and church is where we met.) Just when I think I have step three down pat I find something else I need to 'Let go and let God' have/do. I'm so frustrated (the outward manifestation of me not getting my own way), with having to go back around this mountain again and again. I don't have a sponser... yet.
Maybe I need to go back to step two, because I certainly feel insane in this trip I'm on.
Sorry, not any encouragement here, I need help. The BLAHS are bad.
Thanks, I needed to blow off some steam? remorse? regret? maybe all of the above.
Decide2Love
Last edited on Fri Aug 8th, 2008 03:33 pm by decide2love
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Joel2:25
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 26th, 2005 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 04:54 pm |
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I hate to tell you this, but I think what you're going through is perfectly normal.
I just finally came to the place where my own behavior got boring to me. It was the same thing ... day in and day out. But it didn't happen overnight!
Some simple things you can do to feel a little more normal:
Do a little something for yourself everyday. Cut your toenails, your fingernails, shave your legs!, sit outside in the sun and soak it up for a few minutes, put on CLEAN clothes! Find a book that isn't about sexual addictions or marriage or anything remotely related and read a chapter or two for enjoyment. I'm a real John Grisham, Patricia Cornwell, Robin Cook, etc. fan. Let's be realistic and honest ... we all can relate to such seemingly trivial hygiene matters when we're down in the abyss.
While I don't recommend dropping your daily Bible reading, I honestly have told people to keep it short or use a guided devotional for a few weeks. Otherwise, even your daily Bible reading turns into an AHA! moment about your husband every time you open it. I can remember being able to holler HE'SWRONGANDGONNAGOTOHELLLLLLL about 10 times for every 30 minutes of study. Wrong focus, wrong focus.
Really sorry you're in such a bad place. Will be praying.
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