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hopeful5
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| Joined: | Mon Sep 3rd, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2007 06:09 am |
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| Hi I am new to this site and I have found that I am not alone in this nightmare. My husband is addicted to porn and after 5 years of marriage, he has just recently told me. We have struggled with it in the past, but I never knew the extent of his actions. Actually I still don't know the extent of what he is doing or what he has done. He has lied for so many years and I don't know what to believe anymore. He said he will make changes (deleting internet off phone, staying off computer), but so far he hasn't and is only relying on self control. My biggest problem is that I have 3 young daughters and I am afraid that this may be a very bad situation. Has anyone had any experience with their husbands addiction getting worse and possibly moving beyond pornography? I have prayed every night for him to have the strength to get through this and not hurt us anymore, but every day I have more concerns and more things I think about. I am going crazy over here and need some advice. I don't want to get a divorce because I really love him and he is, problems aside, a good man. I am also a stay at home mom and scared to leave. Am I being naive? Thank you. Last edited on Fri Sep 7th, 2007 06:12 am by hopeful5
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2007 11:59 am |
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I hope you don't mind a quick initial reply from an addict, while you wait for replies from partners.
About escalation: It's hard to know in any individual case. This seems to me to be one of the areas where one addict differs most from another. I certainly know people whose addiction has included more than online porn - everything from phone sex to webcams to multiple affairs to prostitutes to exhibitionism to child porn and child abuse. I also know people who have been addicted for many, many years without moving beyond solitary acting out with rather mild legal porn. Sex addiction is such secretive behavior that it's really hard to know in any particular situation. I'm absolutely sure that use of porn doesn't necessarily lead to more dangerous forms of acting out, but I'm equally certain that it can. I'm sorry I can't offer anything more definite.
On hope and recovery: Sex addiction is hard for people to recover from. I know lots of multiply addicted people who have found it a greater struggle than recovery from addictions to alcohol or cocaine. It's not addiction lite, and our recovery can't be recovery lite. Saying, "I'll just quit by willpower," or imagining that throwing out the porn and the computer will solve the problem works for most of us about as well as it works for alcoholics to say, "That was the last binge," and to throw out the bottles.
That said, if we really get serious about recovery and become willing to do anything necessary, including the terrifying task of facing ourselves and other people and God honestly and changing our way of thinking and being and relating to people, then there is enormous hope. For most of the people I know with long-term sexual sobriety, that has meant doing all the things any other addict would do - actively particpating in support groups, working the steps, making phone calls, reading, journaling, counseling, prayer, open and honest sharing with the people around us, and the list probably goes on.
We have to become new people. The changes we need to make are not subtle ones. I've had to learn to share honestly and often with my wife, to be emotionally open and available with my kids, to share my story with them as well (they are older), to learn how to make friends, to understand my own feelings, to look at a variety of unresolved issues and fears from my past, to give up a pattern of anger and rage that was part of my addictive ritual, and to look honestly at my depression and procrastination and perfectionism. This is hard work, the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. It takes a long time. It's also not something that's subtle and hidden. My wife has a check on how things are going for me because my recovery has to involve in a continuing way all my interactions with everybody. I think that when people hit bottom and really commit to recovery and stay committed, you know.
For me, the result of all this work has been a huge string of blessings. My wife and I are building the intimate relationship we never really had, though it is slow work. My relations with my kids have changed in really fundamental ways. My daughter laughs with me instead of looking at me fearfully, wondering if I'll get mad. I listen better to my students and can help them in their troubles. I am beginning a relationship with God. I feel I belong in church; I feel loved; I'm not angry at God and in fear of His judgment. And I'm continuing a day at a time to be sexually sober. All this is still new for me. I've been in recovery for 2 1/2 years, and I last acted out in my addiction about 21 months ago. I still have a lot to do. But a new life is forming, for me and for my family, and it is a blessing I never even dreamed could be possible.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but that, for me, is the lay of the land. I think it's really hard to love an addict - to accept that you can't do anything to keep him from acting irrationally and harmfully. Until he gets to the point of acknowledging his addiction as the central crisis of his life, one worth risking everything to overcome, not much change is likely. When and if recovery becomes more important than anything else in life, then lots of wonderful things can happen.
Again, my apologies that there is only so far my perspective as an addict can go in offering help to you, instead of to your husband. I'll slip out now, and let the wives share. Welcome, in any case. It's too bad you need to be here.
Tim M.
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Esperanza
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2007 01:17 pm |
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Dear hopeful5,
I am glad your husband was honest enough to tell you about the porn. However, I am wondering if when he shared this with you, did he recognize he had a problem or did he just accept because he was caught red handed? The reason why I ask because in my experience with my H, he accepted because he was caught and did not want help since he felt he could deal with on his own. If he did accept he has a problem then it's an opportunity for you to ask for him to get counseling.
In my case, my H did not accept counseling but I was able to place some boundaries at home to give myself some peace of mind. (Practical things like removing DVD from TV) He agreed to it and I made sure to follow thru. It may be a start to ask that he follows thru with getting rid of the net and whatever else he said he would do.
I don't know if this helps at all. I can tell you discovering one's H addiction can feel like a ton of bricks have been placed on your shoulders. I used to cry my eyes out and think so much my head would hurt. But with God's help and friends at his post, I am better and healing. Please don't drive yourself crazy thinking about how far it has gone. I think you probably have enough to worry about at this point. Ask God for direction and for Him to show you (at his time and will) the extent of your husbands addiction. If its at Gods time and will, you will have the streght and wisdom to work thru it but if it's at your time you may hurt yourself more and possibly your marriage.
Sorry that I couldn't be of more help but I will pray for God to give you the strenght and peace you need and for him to answer you concerns in His time. Keep your faith.
Esperanza
Last edited on Fri Sep 7th, 2007 01:21 pm by Esperanza
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 7th, 2007 03:57 pm |
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Hi hopeful5,
If you have known somewhat of his struggle before, and it is still continuing, willpower is not enough. It is not just your girls about whom you need to be concerned, but yourself/marriage as well. I know how deep a wound this is to one's self-esteem, even though it is truly not a reflection on us. He needs to explore from what he is seeking escape, usually past pain, stress, feeling like a failure, (a circular problem with the porn.)
You need to cummunicate to him your support for sincere recovery, but let him know that the first step in healing the breach of trust is to follow through with his promises. This may not involve no internet use, but a commitment only to go online when you are present. There is also filtering software, each with varying degrees of effectiveness.
It might be an eye-opening question to ask if he would really want to see his daughters in the business when they are adults, or if he would have appreciated that being in your past.
Do you know anything about his relationship with his father? That can be an important contributing factor.
Does he have a relationship with the Lorg?
I hope that he will be receptive to the recovery process, but if he is utterly rebellious and persistent in active and ongoing addiction, do not be fearful to ask him to leave, or to take the girls and leave. If it reaches such a point, and I pray it does not, God will make a way.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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hopeful5
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 04:55 am |
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| I wanted to thank you all for your reponses to me and they helped me more than you know. I can not talk to any of my girlfriends or family about this matter so it is nice to have people to open up to. I thank you Tim for writing to me and giving me another side to listen to. I found a local group for my husband and he said he will call them Monday as they were not available today. I hope that my husband is being honest with me now and has revealed all there is to know and I hope to move forward. He has masked his problem in the past just because he was caught, but I think this time he knows I will leave and he doesn't want that. He has now cancelled the internet from his phone and started making other postitive changes and I hope this helps. I do hope this never affects my children and if it does I will never forgive myself. I pray to God that nothing ever happens to them because of this.
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 12:22 pm |
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It's good that he is doing positive things. I hope the positive changes continue. For most of us, the positive changes really had to include a lot of support from other people - support groups, counseling, etc., and not just changing our electronics. There's nothing wrong with my phone or my computer, really. There's something wrong with me.
As you look at your situation, you might keep in mind that families of addicts get hurt in several ways. Kids finding the porn is an obvious one, but there are others. Addicts grow more and more distant, more and more emotionally remote and dead, often more and more angry. For kids to grow up in a setting of unpredictable anger and ot no emotional connection and of big family secters is very hard. It's part of how addiction perpetuates itself from one generation to another, but there are other psychological effects as well. There certainly have been in my family and in many others I know. Informing yourself about this and keeping attentive to the less obvious effects of growing up with an addict in the house may, unfortunately, be part of protecting your daughters. It might also be part of your husband's process of realizing what the costs of his addiction really are.
Tim M.
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Journey
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 07:21 pm |
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hopeful5,
I just wanted to let you know that I also am praying for you, your daughters, and your husband. I pray for God's healing comfort for your precious heart in this time.
Christian Love,
Journey
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