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Esperanza
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 04:12 pm |
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Hello Sisters,
I have a question today. In midst of my struggles with my H, I have been thinking of an ex boyfriend I had a loooooong time ago before I even met my H. I don't have any contact at all with him but I admit I have been longing to talk to him or see him.
On friday, I went to prayer meeting at church. I talked to the Lord about this and realized that in a certain way, this has to do with my H lack of interest in me. I think on some level I long for the attention we woman want. You know, not necessarily sex, but just the attention, feeling interesting to someone or just special to your partner, someone who just makes you feel like all he's desire is for you. (Does any one understand this or is this just me?)
I feel ackward bringing this up and I hope I don't come off as some vain freak and give you the wrong impression. I asked God forgiveness and to help me with the tempation of looking up my ex. I think it helped me a great deal but I'm still curious as to what you wives have to say about this.
I would love the input and thanks in advance,
Esperanza
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 13th, 2007 04:57 pm |
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Hi Esperanza,
In a Sunday school class recently, studying the section of the sermon on the mount about lust, the question came up of whether women, who are not as prone to using porn, have some other avenue of letting our minds and hearts go where they should not. We discussed the popularity of romance novels, not just the steamy ones, but any that paint such an unrealistic image of men that we compare our spouses unfavorably to the fictional man. We may even, in reality, have dated someone on whom we reflect fancifully, forgetting that there were some circumstances that ended that relationship, and that there were things we did not yet know about that person either. You have done the best thing, to bring your thoughts before the Lord, seeking His will at this time, with your husband.
TruthSeeker
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mission13
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Posted: Fri Aug 17th, 2007 05:15 am |
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| You are not alone in this at all. A lot of wives dealing with this have the same feelings. I know I have. When you feel so unwanted you really long for that feeling again. Hang in there. I'm there with you. We can pray for each other.
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Esperanza
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Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 02:38 pm |
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Hi ladies,
When I first posted I wanted to know not if this was wrong or right (I know the answer to that one) but rather if any one has had this experience. Thank you both for your replies which where helpful. mission13, thanks since it helped to know someone else knows what I'm talking about. I don't want to act on this but I can't deny whats going on with me. So far I've been really good at checking myself with the help of God and I guess this has helped me to realize that I'm vulnerable to tempation as much as the next. I guess thats why we also have to continue leaning on our Helper.
Thank you so much for you words and your prayers. You will also be in mine. God bless you both and post from other wives are still invited.
Esperanza
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decide2love
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Posted: Wed Aug 22nd, 2007 02:19 pm |
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Esperanza wrote: I have a question today. In midst of my struggles with my H, I have been thinking of an ex boyfriend I had a loooooong time ago before I even met my H. I don't have any contact at all with him but I admit I have been longing to talk to him or see him.
In my previous marriage (I was married for 18 years). Along about year 7, the lonliness I felt became suffocating. A man I didn't even know shook my hand in church one day and quickly withdrew his exclaiming, "Doesn't your H see the excruciating lonliness in you! Why doesn't he fix this?", and he began to weep. I walked away ashamed that he could see inside me because I thought I hid it well.
Then, a few weeks later, I ran into an old boyfriend at a funeral and he announced to me that he still loved me, although he was married and had two children at the time, and all I had to do was say the word and he'd drop his wife and girls and we could run away together. We were middle school sweethearts. I was so lonely! My husband basically ignored me - he was secretly wrapped up in SA/porn.
I cried, I agonized, I desired... and I finally went to my pastor and asked for help. I never did call my ex nor see him again, and when he was in town I would hide because I was so affraid of what I would do with him. I was in a covenant with my H and with God... whether or not my H honored that covenant was not the isssue... it was whether or not I honored it. I was at stake, it was my conscious that the Lord was pricking. I could have reached out to another man who was more than willing to fill that empty spot, but where would that have left me? I would have been in major shame and in rebellion against God and against myself... not to mention against my H. The relationship with my ex would have been a grevious mistake at best. I actually got to the point that I wouldn't even go to the chiropracter, because the feel of his hands on my body adjusting me sent thrills through me because I was so desperatly lonely. I wouldn't go to my GYN for the same reasons. For years I would only see female doctors, and would only hug women and children at church.
Through all of that I eventually learned to rely on the strength and the Love of the Lord. I realized that He is my Husband and I am His bride and if He can't fulfill all of my needs... no one can. It's easier said than done, but it's where speaking to my flesh comes in. Telling it NO! No, you're not going to reach out to something that is an abomination. No, you're not going to go after any sort of lust. No, you will be obedient to the covenant that you have entered into. You will stay steadfast to the Lord. You will be encouraged in the Lord. You will bow your knee and heart to the Lord. You will worship Him in spirit and in truth. You will not give into the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, nor the pride of life! Now, shut up and sing His praises and tell Him how grateful you are to be His!
We women are emotional creatures and we need emotional support. I imagine myself crawling up onto Father's lap and into His arms and crying and Him holding me, and I ask Him to fill the emptiness that has crept into me from being neglected and rejected by the one human that is supposed to fill those areas. He knows what I am going through during those times and He does fill those places and I do come away with a feeling of acceptance and of being loved by Him. When the man I am in covenant with will not meet my needs then the Christ I am married to will. I am not talking about flesh-sex. I am talking about true love, Agape, which is what all of us women need. Christ is Love and he gives of Himself freely and unconditionally... We just need to ask for it. It's part of coming into agreement with "Delighting ourselves in the Lord," because He will give us the "Desires of our hearts."
You are in my prayers, and believe me when I tell you... I understand your needs and desires... been there, done that, loving you through to the other side of Life.
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hopefulwife07
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Posted: Thu Aug 23rd, 2007 10:17 pm |
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Esperanza- you are not alone in your feelings. I often find myself needing validation from other men via looks and attention when I go places to fill the huge void my marriage has left. It feels so good to feel beautiful and like another man out there would value me more than my husband does. But of course, I know it's all so futile, as I'm sure you do. It was those needy feelings that probably attracted me to my husband in the first place! I still fight this desire, and must pray constantly for the truth that only Jesus can fill me with self- worth. I now know this, understand it, and in moments of weakness, pray for it. I don't always succeed, but God always brings me back to reality, and I feel humbled. Hmmm, maybe those big gown thingies from the middle east aren't such a bad thing!! I'm thinking of starting to go out in public ONLY if I first put a bucket over my head. I'd have to be very certain that my beauty comes only from God under those circumstances  ! Prayers and blessings to you in your endeavors to recover from all of this madness (I'm with you sister!). Have a wonderful day !
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Sun Sep 2nd, 2007 12:26 am |
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You are not alone, in fact you are in good company.
My primary caregiver growing up was a tit for tat kind of person. Hurt me will ya? Let me show you kind of thing. Needless to say my spouse's secret life and exposure thereof threw me into a pit of temptation I doubt few could withstand.
I did not withstand as I would have liked to (in retropect) I can take the high road and stay all nice and clean or wallow in the mud with him.
Of late, and for quite some time I have taken the high road.
It's not always easy - struggling tonite actually, but by grace winning.
YES I think this is VERY normal!
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