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passionone
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Posted: Sat Aug 11th, 2007 07:11 pm |
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Yesterday afternoon I left work early and went to an appointment that I had with Dave Carter. He was really nice but super honest. I thought I would share what he said.
Dave said it would take 6 - 9 months of my husband being "sober" before we could even begin to work on our marriage. The reason is, and it makes total sense is that he has to deal with being sober and going through hard times without reaching out to his addiction so that when we work on our marriage problems, he won't go back to his addiction or rather, whenever he or we are in a tough decision, that he doesn't go back to that.
He also said and I knew I would be frazzled, so I wrote this down, that he can't even start therapy for himself regarding this until he has been sober for 6 months. He also suggested two books - The Porn Trap (which I emailed him about because it says it doesn't come out until April of 2008) and Silently Seduced a book about a mom's inappropriate attachment to her son.
His marriage counseling sounds just awesome and it is intensive 12-15 sessions with 30 minutes of homework each night and he requires a retreat and recommends two, one is Aspen and one in Georgia (I think) the one in Aspen is 6 days and the other is 4 and they are the same prices, expensive, but worth it for our marriage.
He gave me a last bit of advice - Don't Take A Short Cut!!! There isn't one to take anyways. He said that if he claims he has changed overnight, he hasn't or if he can flip off a switch that fast, he can always just as quickly flip it back on. He also made me feel better about not knowing all of this before I got married. My husband had great physical boundaries with me and I felt really respected and instead, it was a manipulation because he had this other stuff on the side.
All of this advice was really hard. I have no idea if he will get sober. I am scared, of course and he has to do it. But there is no going back. I am going to see my husband today and I'm nervous, I have to tell him all of this. But God will get me through this, even though its really hard. I just wish I could say that he will for sure get better, but I am scared if I say this, that I'll be living in a fairytale and not in reality.
I talked to one of my friends last night and he thinks I might be being to hard on my husband. I feel that way too, but he has to deal with this. It makes me feel bad to hear people say that though. Afterall, its just Porn right? Its just that Porn was overtaking his life and he stopped living, right? So, I guess I'm a bit angry too.
Please pray for me today and tomorrow - I am going to look at a place to live tomorrow, where I'll be renting out a room from someone.
Passionone
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passionone
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Posted: Sat Aug 11th, 2007 07:13 pm |
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Forgot something important:
First my husband has to acknowledge what he has done/possibly doing, then I can forgive him, then we can start building trust and respect and then love will follow. And you can't jump over steps... these are at least the processes for rebuilding the marriage. Regardless, I have to forgive him.
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Journey
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Posted: Sat Aug 11th, 2007 09:25 pm |
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passionone,
Thanks for sharing that, it's interesting because I read the book Torn Asunder a few months ago and was really helped by it as the spouse with the addiction. It was also a help to my husband, actually in our situation, I acknowledged my addiction first and my husband was sort of in denial to there being a problem in our marriage. I think that book helped him to see the importance of both of us acknowledging the problem.
Also for what it's worth, I don't think you are being too hard on your husband. In the end, whether he changes or not, I think he will respect you for holding your ground, and you will be so glad you did. I don't think you have to do it perfectly for God to do what only He can do in your husband's life.
I also think it's interesting that even tho I as the wife am the one fighting to overcome a sexual addiction, I still identify with your struggle to let your husband make his own choices. In my case, it's whether he will choose to pursue a close emotional relationship with me, instead of just going back to status quo now that I am doing somewhat better. For 20 years that we have been married, he has hardly ever let me see his passion/desire for me. This is something I deeply want and miss in our relationship. So in letting God deal with my husband, I have to trust God and face the fear of "what if my H never changes".
I hope I'm not boring you, I just had those thoughts. Am praying for you all!
Journey
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