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decide2love
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 06:50 pm |
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Recently I was told that my husband doesn't think he's loosing anything... that his porn/masturbation addiction isn't costing him anything so I needed to stop giving him all sex and move out into the living room onto the couch. It was a man who's a recovered sex addict. He said that this is what his wife did to him and he realized what he'd be missing if he contiued on in his addiction and it was one of the things that helped him in giving it up and seeking christian counsel.
It rings as situational to me, because my husband had no type affectionate relationship with either of his parents and it's one of the things he loves about me... that I am so affectionate toward him.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 08:43 pm |
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Hi decide2love,
Each situation is somewhat different, so this decision requires counsel and prayer. Does the person who gave you this advice know you and your husband pretty well?
Does your husband know the Lord?
If so, what does he have to say about this sin, lust/adultery?
I would use this as a last effort prior to separation with a spouse in denial. "If you are happy with having sex with yourself, you do not need to have it with me. You cannot have both."
You might also consider any children in the household, who might question why you are sleeping on the couch.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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decide2love
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 10:38 pm |
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Does my husband KNOW the Lord? Hmmm... out of anger I want to say no, because of what he does. He seems to feel remorse for his addictions but WILL NOT seek help from anyone, let alone me. I think its more toward the remorse of one who got his hand caught in the cookie jar (and it wasn't my cookie jar). He wants me to ignore the problem and just accept it as a part of his life because he was born into it. (He's out of his freakin' mind!!! ) Intercession does not forget sin. His dad had the same problem, and it made his mother EXTREMELY bitter and spiteful. He's hoping in my ignoring the problem that I will stay with him through it and when we are old and gray he'll be over it and all will be well. (Buahahahaha!)
My husband fell out of church about two years ago, shortly after we were married, about the same time he picked up the porn again, and is just now starting to go to church again, albeit not the same church. I am currently trying to find a home church with a good solid Holy Ghost filled mens ministry where the guys actually go out and do guy stuff together - fishing, hunting, hiking, auto repair, guy stuff, because he complains that I won't let him do "What a man sould be able to do" like go to the bars with the guys, and that I don't like any of his friends... I keep praying that the Lord would deliver him from corrupt companions and his 'friends' keep backing out of scheduled get togethers with him. So he has told me that if he could find a church with a good men's ministry that actually had fun that he'd go. So we're checking out one tomorrow!
The man who gave the advice knows neither of us.  There has been NO mentin of divorce, as a mater of a fact, I told my husband that I wan't gving up without a fight. Father has placed within me what I need for my healing and I know that Father has placed within my husband what he needs for his deliverance and restoration, and renewal, and power to stay on the HOT side of the church. We just have to open the tap together. Problem is... he doesn't want to tap into it with me or anyone else... So I keep praying that Father would put into his path a man who's been there, done that, overcame and is a steadfast believer that my husband would get a witness to and trust enough to open up and get his disassociated hiney on the road to recovery and total restoration!
I am not saying that I don't have bad days, OMG! They come and they hit hard! But I have to rely on what I say out loud to myself as far as the promises of God are concerned. He said that I was blessed because I believed on Him and that word Blessed means "Satisfied!" I am a believer therefore I stand on the promise that I will be satisfied! In my marriage, In my life in Christ.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 11:18 pm |
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Hi decide2love,
I am standing in agreement with you for your husband.
If he is agreeing to look for an active men's group, that is a good thing, but I am not hearing you say that he is actually agreeing with the Word that his lust/adultery is sin. Proverbs has a lot to say about being corrupted by bad company. There is a big difference between going out to eat and going to a bar. Finding an active men's group would be great, but if he will not humble himself in obedience to God's Word, there is still a big problem. Pride is a huge stumbling block. It is pride that refuses counselling and support groups. It is head-in-the-sand foolishness that thinks that repeating his father's sins makes it alright, or that it will go away in time, without a lot of work, (which only comes before success in the dictionary.) Just read how many guys here are still struggling after decades!
Has he read any books or articles about SA? There is, of course, Mike's
Road To Grace
as well as many others.
AS long as he is willing to discuss the problem with you and seek fellowship/accountability, it may be premature to get better acquainted with the sofa.
TruthSeeker
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MovingOn
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Posted: Sat Jul 21st, 2007 11:26 pm |
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decide2love,
I agree with truthseeker, that sleeping on the couch should be used as a last resort. And if you use the sleeping on the couch tactic - it should be HIM not you sleeping out there. Why should you have to suffer anymore than you already have? Give him the sofa and let yourself keep the bed.
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decide2love
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 12:16 pm |
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| We have a 16 year old daughter on the other side of the living room & I know what porn promotes, so it would be me who sleeps on the couch. I'd rather be safe than extremely sorry.
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decide2love
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 01:29 pm |
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No, he will not read any books on the subject. I have bought nearly all of them trying to understand his SA and to help me stand firm against this enemy of so many families/men & women alike. You see he's not the only one with the problem. When I was 16 my mom found my dad's stash of european hard core porn and she enlisted me to help her staple the pages to their bedroom wall and then to place all of their private poloroids on their bed just before he came home. I seen things I never should have seen and had nightmares for months about it. After she calmed down - years later - she apologized for her actions, but the damage to me and to their marriage had been done. She never would allow me to sit in my dad's lap for any reason... I never understood why until recently. Watching my husband with our daughter, I remembered my mom warning me not to ever get close physically with my dad.
Recently the Lord showed me that I was controling - not surprising for a woman - but I thought I was supporting! What a blow. I am looking for a support group for myself and for both my daughter and son. I understand that we all suffer from SA in one form or another. It is generational and it will be broken and shattered off of each of us. I am determined that it go to no further generations. The buck stops here!I have bought the "Every Young Man's/Woman's Battle' for both my children and I have thoroughly discussed each book with them as they bring their questions and as I have questions for them.
As far as reading 'The Road to Grace', my husband doesn't agree with Mike's statement that it is a choice to be addicted. He says that he has no choice in the matter and when God chooses to deliver him He will. (Rubish) Father's deliverance and restoration is something we each have to work at. It's an 'If we do what He says, then we get the rewards' matter. "If my people will humble themselves and pray and seek My face , THEN I will do thus and so..." It's the humble part, the first part, that he will not do yet. He has bought into the lie that choice is taken away from him and he has no will of his own in some things. BUT GOD is Truth and will superceed any and all lies, and if he won't humble himself the the Lord will humble him. As long as he keeps asking for deliverance and restoration, even in the tiniest fearful whisper then the Lord will do whatever it takes to restore him to Himself.
Yes, he has admitted it is sin, but doesn't see it as adultry or infidelity, only as covetnessness. He will not apologize for his actions and is weary of going to the altar for prayer and having hands laid on him concerning it only to leave with the same problems. One of the previous 'churches' my husband attended, the 'pastor' told everyone all about my husbands problem under the guise of the church leadership needing to know, it spread like wildfire through the congregation and it devistated my husband. To see the looks of distrust and disgust from prople he thought would help him and love him through it was too much. That was several years ago and he has refused to get involved with another church. He has attended services at several different churches, but will not get close to anyone, will not even stick around for any sort of fellowship.
He did seem to enjoy the service yesterday and met an older man whom he respects that attends there. The man helped him when he was 17. He told the pastor that we'd be back and that he wanted to know more about the church and it's men's ministry. It was a request that my husband doesn't make lightly. He hates fake Christians. I can hope.
When he gets caught by me, he straightens up and tries to fight it on his own for a few weeks, reads his Word for a few minutes every other night and prays... and then he explodes and it gets worse and worse each time. I know the Lord will painstakingly reveal to him why his mother and my mother are so bitter and full of anger, what he is doing to me, what he is doing to himself, and what he is doing to the Lord. I want to be beside him to support him spiritually as well as emotionally and physically. Whatever the Lord has to do in our lives He has freedom to do.
I struggle with controling him. The Lord showed me that I was trying to control him through my prayers, and I repented and asked my husband to forgive me and then asked the Lord to firgive me in fron of my husband. I have to follow His lead in my intercession. I thought I was but He showed me that I was demanding my husband come under my spiritual manipulation toward freedom instead of allowing the Lord to do His work in and through him. A work is just that, a work. Not in my timing either, but in His. He will finish the work he has begun in my husband, but if I get in His way I stop His work.
I had a dream several months ago. I was on a moving sidewalk. I was just walking and talking while holding my husbands hand. He was standing still on the outside of the moving sidewalk looking at me and noding his head in all the right places, but saying nothing. I became aware that Father was holding my other hand and when I looked at Him I seen such sorrow in His eyes. I looked back at my husband and realized that I was between him and Father. I was struck with such sorrow at myself and asked the Lord what I could do to remove myself out of the way and He said to pray. So I dropped both my hands, fell on my face and I was moved back out of the way going down the moving sidewalk. I seen my husband look at me in confusion and then look up and seen Father with His outstreched hand toward him and he broke down in tears. Just in the last few weeks have I come to see just how much in His way I have been. Letting go and letting God do is not so easy when I want him to be free and whole so very much, but I have to minute by minute. I hear the Lord constantly telling me to give him to Him, and that's what I need... consistancy. I can not save him, I am not the Holy Spirit! I can not lead him into all Truth. I am his helpmate not his God!
Last edited on Fri Aug 8th, 2008 04:10 pm by decide2love
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 02:27 pm |
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Hi decide2love,
I admire your stedfastness in interceding for your husband, and faith in God's timing. It is so sad that his trust was betrayed in that church. Yes, the pastor should have made sure that your H did not get involved in leadership and, perhaps, youth ministry, but the gossip that would spread such a struggle through a church is also sin. I'm glad to hear that he is expressing interest in the church you visited.
Nowhere in Scripture do I find any indication that any particular sin is not under our conscious control. God would not tell us to refrain from doing things if it were not possible for us to do so. Yes, in this life, we will never be completely without sin, as 1 John 1 clearly teaches, but an ongoing struggle with a particular sin, especially one that affects others so profoundly, is a clear indication of lacking spiritual growth. Your husband is calling his Savior a liar by denying his sin, as Jesus clearly connected a look of lust as equating adultery in Matt. 5:27-8. Unless your H is equating addiction with demon possession, I do not find that Jesus ever healed/delivered anyone from sin. When He rescued the woman caught in adultery from being stoned, he told her to go and sin no more. Being powerless is a lie of Satan.
Only you can prayerfully decide whether there comes a point when tough love is necessary, but from what you have said here about conviction of being controlling, this might not be the time to withhold your affection/intimacy.
Praying for your wisdom and endurance, and your husband's conviction...
TruthSeeker
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MovingOn
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 06:56 pm |
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decide2love -
I cannot possibly imagine what it is like being in your situation - married and with kids etc. But I think a perspective from the outside might help you to see things you might otherwise be avoiding. The situation with your husband and your daughter is a very dangerous one. When you told me about him "wrestling" with her, the looks and the masturbation - my mind went on alert. These are very big red flags and you should not ignore them. I was sexually molested as little girl and then later sexually assaulted when I first moved away for college. Three close friends of mine have been molested as well, one by her grandpa, another by her uncle and the other by her cousin. Just because your husband is not sleeping in the same room with her, does not mean he does not have the oppurtunity to sexually assault her. The wrestling alone, could quality as assault, especially if he is using this as an oppurtunity to feel or grope her. There was a teacher in my city who was put away for 25 years for tickling young girls.
Please read as much on the subject as you can. I've read two books that talk about the subject Why Women Hurt Themselves, and Pornified. 1/3 women are sexually assaulted by the time they're 18, please do not put your daughter in danger. I understand your determination to save your marriage, but you need to weigh the risks to yourself and your daughter.
Last edited on Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 06:59 pm by MovingOn
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decide2love
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Posted: Tue Jul 24th, 2007 12:33 pm |
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The wrestling didn't just stop yesterday, it stopped nearly two years ago.
I too was sexually molested as a 3 year old by my grandfather. My mother left work early and walked in on him getting ready to penetrate me and I was in shock. When I was 18 my first husband came home after visiting the local red light district and the bars and raped me. He claimed that I thought I was too good to participate in his fantasies because I was a Christian. We had been married for six months. Then when I was 19, I was molested by a car salesman while I was on a test drive with him. He held a gun to my head and had his way. It didn't go into penile penetration, just groping and a lot of fear so the police wouldn't do anything. He was a decorated veteran and I had just joined the US Navy and they acted like I asked for it because I was a WAVE. It was stupid of me not to take a friend along, but I was niave and trusting because he was a decorated veteran. I was an Army bratt.
My daughter is safe. She is never left alone with him for any reason, and if I have to go anywhere that she can't or won't go then she goes over to her grandmothers house. She locks her door when she goes into the bathroom or her bedroom, she's had karate training in self defense, and she is fully aware of the situation. She is filled with the Holy Spirit and exercises her angelic tonges freely. She has been trained in spiritual warfare. She does not wear any type of suggestive clothing to any place. We have taken precautions.
I know the fears you are going through, because I have been there myself. I can not live in those fears. My daughter can not live in those fears. But we can live in the understanding of what we are up against and face it head on each time it's ugly head tries to surface. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy staying and being the watchman on the wall, never letting our guards down, rebuilding with one hand and a sword in the other, but I have to ask myself if my husbands soul is worth the battle. I believe it is. I believe that he does want to change and that he will change at his own expense.
The Word of the Lord came to me eight years ago. Long before I remarried. My mother had been fasting and praying and interceding for my daughter and in the middle of praise and worship, my pastor came over to me and told me to tell my mother that the Lord had heard her cries in the dark and that my daughter would not be put to shame, that she would not be molested, nor raped, nor sexually assaulted in any way ever. My mother was not in that service, and when I visited her and told her she broke down and cried and praised the Lord for His goodness.
Now I have the choice of standing on the Word of the Lord or living in fear. Fear is not an option because it gives the enemy places in our lives that we may not even be aware of. I am not a fearless person, I wish I was. But when the Lord says it then it has to be and become. Is that not so?
So from the outside looking in, I understand your perspective, but we're not walking in delusion. We are walking in discernment and the understanding of molestation from having been there, done that, and are finished with it.
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