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broken
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 06:48 pm |
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I am so thankful to have found this site. Maybe someone can help me understand the war I have been living. My husband is addicted to porn. He has so many email accounts set up to meet women for sex ( he swears he has never met any...only email). He has an account with swinglifestyle and several others. He acts as if I am of no value...and will tell me he doesnt have any respect for anything I say. He complains about everything I do...cant keep the house the way he wants, cant cook the way he wants...so on and so on. We argue all of the time. He says that I want to argue over anything because I am always so defensive. I have to admit that I am defensive..I feel like I am under attack. He is very controlling and manipulative. I have been trying to learn everything I can about this addiction. I wanted to help and be supportive but after years of the abuse I am at the end. After walking in on him again I gave him some of the information I had on porn addiction...showing that men who are addicted , devalue thier spouse, coerce, manipulate and control. I told him he had to get help and he agreed. But within 24 hours he had changed his mind. He said he didnt need an accountability anything because he had a bulldog of a wife who would always tell him what she thought he was doing wrong. I told him if he didnt keep his promise that I had to leave...he said pack your bags. So..I did. I left my husband and I am now at my sisters house in another state. I have tried to call my husband but he doesnt take the call....so I think he is really on a binge. I cant go back if he doesnt get help...but here I am thinking I may have a break down myself. I dont want a divorce because I do still love him...but I dont think he has left an option. Any help?????
Sorry this didnt start out to be a book.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 07:34 pm |
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Hi broken,
It sounds like this article might accurately describe your husband.
All Abuse Hurts
You might also check out
Intimacy and Addiction
From what information you have shared thus far, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Your husband is unrepentently unfaithful and abusive. "Love" is not always a rational thing, and one's understanding of it can be warped over years of systematic abuse. Perhaps you could put together a short list of what you love about this man, but could you truly make one of his behaviors that demonstrate love as defined by God in 1 Cor. 13:4-7?
God is in the business of healing those who are broken, but I do not believe that that work can begin if you return to someone who will not utterly yield to God's authority and plan for marriage. It sounds more like your husband reflects the last half of Romans 1, a hardened heart, resulting in depravity.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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Esperanza
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 07:36 pm |
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Dear Broken,
My heart goes out to you at this time. I'm not sure how long you have been living in the "war" as you call it. I'm guessing if you have decided to go with your sister, it's probably been sometime now. I admire the courage you had to making such a difficult decision. Probably the emotional stress you speak of have led you to make the decision so have some grace for yourself. I certainly can't help you understand much as I myself need many answers. However, I think maybe your decision can help your husband have a wake up call if he still cares to save the marriage. I have read of some situations where the husband decided he needs to work on this issue and the wife will accept reconciliation if he decides to get himself into recovery.
I will pray that this happen because you have shared that you still love him. But I would try to get all the help I needed anyway because we can't really say what he'll decide. Find some support for yourself, talk to a Pastor or his wife, talk with the people at this forum (they have been very helpful for me) and specially, seek God's guidance and his hand to be with you. You can rely on him to comfort you and listen to you and He loves you dearly and wants the best for you. He will not place burden on you that you can't be able to manage. In fact, He will give you the strenght to get through this.
You'll be in my prayers, sweetie.
Esperanza
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broken
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 08:13 pm |
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Thank you so much for the article.
There are 15 items listed and my husband does 10 of them.
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 08:17 pm |
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| O, Sweetie I so feel your pain. I agree...I think you have done the right thing according to what you have shared. Are you and your husband in a church? May I suggest that you seek counseling even if he don't, it will help you with coping methods and also help you deal with the roller coaster of emotions that I know all too well. You are in my prayers and we are here if you need to talk.....
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broken
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 08:28 pm |
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Thank you so much...all prayers wanted and very much needed!
Yes, we both attend church, however since I am now out of town I will need to find another church here. I am in contact with my minister and he has been a great deal of help. While reading some of the verses he gave me I looked up one of the cross references and I know God meant this for me: Mark 5:36...dont be afraid; just believe. That is all I can do now.
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broken
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 08:32 pm |
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I am very interested in counsilling however I am not sure if my insurance would cover out of state. Do you know of any support groups that meet for free in the Kansas City MO area?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 09:44 pm |
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Hi broken,
While you have not stated that the abuse was physical, you might find direction for support from programs related to domestic violence, such as shelters for battered women etc., in the phone book. Unfortunately, I do not know of specific groups. I do not presume this, but have you done any reading on indicators of codependency? If that is applicable, I think there are probably AA type groups for partners/family of addicts.
10 out of 15 sounds pretty scary to me!
More hugs...
TruthSeeker
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broken
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 06:09 pm |
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Hello Everyone
It has been a week since I left my husband and there has been very little contact. Please be in prayer for my marriage. I would really like to go home but I havent seen the slightest effort on his part to claim this addiction and get help. So far the only things that I have heard is how much I need to get help.
Is this a common thing for people with addictions?
I know that all marriages have ups and downs but I really think that if he had help with this problem the list of things that we fight over would greatly shrink.
I have been trying to find support groups in the area. I guess I just need to talk to someone who has walked these steps.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 08:13 pm |
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Hi Broken,
It is extremely common for an addict to blame others for their addiction.
Has your H also spoken with your pastor? Since your H is doing ten out of fifteen abusive behaviors, he probably needs much more counselling than your pastor can give, unless the pastor has special training. While it is possible that your relationship was never completely healthy, there was obviously a point that led you to marriage. Deterioration from that point is rarely a solo journey, though it can be, but learning, or relearning God's plan for marriage takes the commitment and involvement of both spouses. From what you have said, I gather that each of you perceives the other as intensely critical. Criticism, (and I'm speaking to myself here as well,) is an extremely vicious cycle. Our first fleshly reaction to criticism, be it justified or not, is to strike back and remind the other person of their shortcomings. I have found that it is when I can humbly reflect honestly on my flaws that I am most able to extend grace to others. It is immensely difficult to be vulnerable and say, "You know, you're right. I really need to change in that area." The thing that quenches our humility, though, is to say something like that and get a sarcastic reply like, "It's about time you admitted that." The more Christ-like response is, "I really appreciate you responding to my concern and taking my feelings in to consideration. When this vicious cycle has become entrenched in a marriage, regardless of who "started" it, it takes an outside perspective to assist in breaking the cycle and getting things on an even keel.
All of that to say that if your husband is not willing to reflect vulnerably on your concerns, and work through them with at least your pastor, eventually addressing his concerns as well, that you could make every change he has ever suggested/demanded and he would still be addicted, miserable and abusive.
My suggestion, for what it's worth, is that you not return unless he agrees for both of you to meet with your pastor and/or a christian counsellor, and that if he does agree to that, that you stay with someone else during early stages of counselling. It is essential that he know that you will not return home until he owns his addiction and abuse and begins to take active measures to align his behavior with 1 Cor. 13:4-7 love.
Even if he does not choose to get help and seek healing for your marriage, it is important that you get counsel, or do a great deal of reading/reflection on healing from abuse and reaching a point of forgiveness, so you do not carry this baggage for the rest of your life, in to any future relationship.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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broken
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 09:32 pm |
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Hi TruthSeeker
You are right. We both have a lot of issues. I am trying to find a support group. I have read several different things on abuse. It is hard when you recieve a "finally you are admitting you are wrong" answer. It really makes me mad...and that doesnt help the problem at all.
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broken
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Posted: Mon Jul 23rd, 2007 09:35 pm |
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I have found an s-anon group that meets about 45 min. away from me.
Has anyone met with s-anon before?
What did you think about it?
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broken
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Posted: Tue Jul 24th, 2007 08:58 pm |
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well..good news. I found out that even though I am in another state my insurance will cover counsilling. I have an appointment with her in the morning.
Keep praying for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Jul 24th, 2007 09:59 pm |
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Hi Broken,
Praise God! It is a joy to here this news!
Praying more...
TruthSeeker
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broken
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 03:13 pm |
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Please pray for me. I am having a very hard day today. I feel like I am just spinning out of control. I miss my husband...I miss my home. From the little contact I have had with my husband it would seem that he doesnt miss me at all....in fact he told me it has been great not having me around. What I cant understand about myself is WHY do I miss my husband when he has treated me so badly? Why would you still love someone who acts like they could care less if you stay or go?
Sorry...just a bad day.
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passionone
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 10:46 pm |
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I sort of know how you feel. I have only been gone less than two days and I just went home for my lunch break - he knew I would be coming, and he wasn't there. I was so sad. I got some more clothes and some things that I needed/wanted. It is horrible, but I really miss my husband, not the bad behaviors, but him. I guess that's the co-dependent part of me.
God will guide you and me. He loves us both and we are his daughters and he doesn't want this for us or for our husbands. Our responsibility now is to trust him and wait for the answers. Maybe these boundaries will be reality checks but regardless, never forget that God loves you and he is there. Keep in mind, that as I write this, I am not always trusting God and I forget that he loves me and that I am worth Gods' love. I know it in my head, but its hard to feel it in my heart.
He might say its great not to have you around and maybe he does feel that way, but maybe he doesn't. It might take time, but just wait on the Lord. And why do you still miss him? There are a lot of reasons. Are you co-dependent? I just started realizing that I am today or yesterday. But another reason that you miss him is because that's what you know and its comfortable. You probably feel strange right now, like I do. You aren't in your home, you aren't around him, its all weird.
One piece of advice I offer is something that really has helped me. It might be a hard situation, but don't think about tomorrow or next week or even two hours from now, but remember, you can make it through this moment and moment by moment, day by day, you will get through this. One of my professors shared this with us in regards to one of my other professors going through the death of their son. They couldn't think about the next week or even see to clearly in front of them, but moment by moment. Don't let the enemy scare you - he wants you to be afraid.
You are in my prayers.
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Journey
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Posted: Sat Jul 28th, 2007 08:07 pm |
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passionone and broken,
I just want to let you know that I am praying for you right now, my heart hurts just to hear about your hurt, and I know the heart of Jesus is hurting for you as well. Heavenly Father, please minister healing by your Spirit to my beautiful sisters who are suffering in this way.
I do not know your pain, but I have had pain of my own, and a long, hard struggle to let God draw near to me and love me as I am and with my situation being so far from where I want it to be. I do not presume to have any pat answers for you, but these are verses (my paraphrase) that have encouraged me to listen to His voice, maybe they will be an encouragement to you. They are written to Israel but I believe they apply to us as well:
Isaiah 43:1 & 4
"Listen, _____(insert your own name here), to the voice of your Creator, He who formed you says,
Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are MINE.
You are precious to me, ...and I love you."
In Christ's Love,
journey
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broken
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Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 01:28 pm |
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Passionone
Thank you for your post. I have also become aware of being co-dependent. It wasnt an easy thing to see while I was living through it...but now that I have stepped away it has become very clear that I am. I will keep praying for you and please keep praying for me.
Journey
Your post came at just the right time. Thank you for your prayers and the Bible verses. It is a comfort to know that others are praying for me when I feel so low that I can hardly pray for myself.
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broken
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 12:03 pm |
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Just wanted to update. I am feeling stronger each day. I have been seeing my counselor and reading everything that I can get my hands on. I would still like to go home but I realize that I can and will be just fine if I can't. Keep praying for me as I will for all of you.
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passionone
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Posted: Tue Aug 7th, 2007 04:57 pm |
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Hi Broken,
I am so glad that you are feeling stronger. Do you notice that the feeling comes and goes though? I have really noticed that in my own personal journey at this moment.
Keep your boundaries, go to the groups, I am going to Celebrate Recovery, which has been helpful and meeting with counselors and coming on this site - all of these are really helpful.
You will get through this. God will see to that. I will be praying for you and please continue to pray for me as well.
Passionone
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