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mission13
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Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2007 03:34 pm |
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hi everyone. i really need your prayers, help, advice...etc.
we just got back from a family vacation a couple of days ago. things had been really bad before we left and i've been sleeping on the couch for 2 months now. i was really happy to have the opportunity of a week in florida on a relaxing beach to find ways for me and my husband to reconnect. however, things just went from bad to worse and i just don't know what to do. i'm so confused.
to make a very long story short...basically through several painful conversations I found out that he really isn't sure that he loves me, that he is not attracted to me anymore, and that he hasn't been happy for a good portion of our marriage. and after all of this new pain (a whole bunch of new issues to deal with aside from the SA) i actually walk out into the living room of the condo to find him on the porch leaning over looking very intently at something and smiling a huge smile. not even thinking I said, "whatcha looking at" and when he looked up it was obvious. he simply said "i'm sorry, i was looking at girls". now i am not so naive to think that my husband will never look at another woman (although it still kills me), but to actually see that and to see that smile on his face. and at a time when our marriage is on the brink of disaster. i just don't know what to do with all this. i have loved him and learned to trust him over and over again through our 8 years being married. i am getting tired of not feeling love from him and i find myself so angry and bitter right now. he makes me feel like crap and i feel so much better when he's not around. with that said...i love him and i want this to work. i don't feel like i can make him love me the way he should. i don't know what to do and neither does he. i have brought up conselling several times and he doesn't want to do that. i have asked him over and over what should we do, what we can do to save our marriage and he just says I don't know. it makes me feel like he doesn't care (even though he says he does). my guts are torn up because I am so confused. he says one thing, but his actions say another. he says he really wants us to work all this out and that he wants to be married to me, but i'm not ok staying in this 'place' anymore. i feel like we have to do something, but he doesn't. what am i supposed to do? i don't want to seperate if we can avoid it. we have two beautiful little girls and i don't want to do that to them. but...what can i do? any advice? i know that i need to pray and to seek God and i am trying. to be honest...it is so hard because i'm just so broken. my prayers lately have been simple desperate crys for help.
i knew that you would understand and many of you have been through this type of thing before. please...help me if you can. i just don't know what to do or how to deal with this right now.
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2007 11:56 pm |
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Hi Mission 13
I so feel your pain and I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this. Are you guys in Church, maybe you could talk your husband into talking with your Pastor? Does he admit that he has an addiction and if so has he made attempts to seek counsel for the underlying issues?
Something you wrote I feel led to address....
i don't feel like i can make him love me the way he should.
Sweetie, it is not your place to make him love you and it is not your fault that he is having problems in this area. A lot of men with SA have a hard time loving because they have spent so many years lusting. Some times what they perceive as love is nothing more then a feel good feeling. What I do read between the lines is that you love your husband very much, so much in fact it hurts you to the core, that is love! Jesus loves us and the price He paid was not in a feel good feeling to demonstrate that love. My advice to you is try to convince your husband that he needs help. For you I advise you to seek counseling for yourself to help you cope with this, also educate your self on the subject, the more you know about porn addiction the better equipped you will be to face what has taken place and what is ahead.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Feel free to come here as much as need be. We are here for you.......
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RoseLily
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | Las Vegas, Nevada USA |
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 04:25 am |
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Your message really touched me. One of the most important things that I have learned through all of my pain and hurt is that I deserve to heal and recover - and you do too!
I would highly recommend going to talk to someone professionally yourself. I did and it really helped me a lot and she put things into perpective in ways that I was not able to do myself. If your husband is not willinging to do this together, then at least go for yourself.
I have some books that I've read, I will be more than happy to share the titles if you are interested also.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
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Esperanza
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 03:52 pm |
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Dear Mission13,
I felt in my stomach every word of your post. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. It seems like your situation has hit a place where is “stuck”. Sometimes the relationship between us wives and our PA husbands can get to that place where is us noticing how their habits are killing our marriage and our feelings and them apparently just sitting there not showing willingness to struggle with us. At times I have felt so angry thinking that this is his problem and I’m the one that has to carry most of the burden. I know that may not be the correct way to think but I just feel that way at times and you know what, I have to allow myself the space to explore that feeling. But he is my H and I got into this also when I said I do and I love him so God will give me the guidance I need since he does not allow burdens that we can’t deal with.
Maybe is time to explore getting your marriage out of that “stuck” place where you are not “Ok staying in”. (That place has obviously not helped you in the past months.) Ask God for the courage to do so for yourself, your daughters and your marriage. Maybe is time to make at least one decision in pro of your emotional well being. Maybe it’s time for you to get counseling for yourself and let him know that you are going to be doing this even if he doesn't go. Or since he doesn’t seem to know what to do when you ask him maybe you can suggest what you need from him at this point for you to start some kind of recovery. (Be concrete and practical) I'm just giving suggestions but you can give it some thought first as you are the only one that can really know what you need and what you can and not do. Do you think you can do this? One small step…
I’m sure God is listening to every single one of your prayers or crys for help as you call them. But I’m also sure he is giving you the tools you will need to get through this. You can start using some of them; strength, wisdom, love, patience, guidance, faith and hope. It has helped me a great deal and given me some sanity (at times I felt I would loose it) to not be a passive recipient on my husbands “demons” but to accompany prayer with an act of faith even if it’s a small one.
I am soooo hoping that you can get through this. I will pray for you and your family. I ask God that he can continue equipping you with what you will need so that you can start seeing a ray of sunlight in your days. And remember that the Lord is always be there with you and you are not alone.
Lots of love coming your way and my best wishes,
Esperanza
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 05:36 pm |
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Hi mission13,
IF your husband claims to be a believer, and isn't planning to toss his faith along with his marriage, he needs to get a grip on some things.
1. He chose to marry you, and have children together. That step marked the dividing line between warm, fuzzy feeling love and Godly, committed love.
2. Godly love is a day by day, moment by moment choice of how one will treat one's spouse, regardless of current emotion. I do not read anything about feelings in 1 Cor. 13:4-7.
3. I'd be willing to bet you that he isn't "feeling" very close to God right now either. If we are not walking in obedience to God's Word, that trickles down to every aspect of our lives, especially marriage.
4. So what's his problem with counselling? Money? Pride? Fear that he will be called on his sin, have to confess it, and do all within his power, with God's strength, to change?
His unfaithfulness of eyes, which mirror heart and mind, breaks his marriage vow of fidelity to you alone. Lip service is not enough. Pride must go on the altar, and financial sacrifice may be necessary as well, if he truly desires a Godly marriage, not just having "the best of both worlds."
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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mission13
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 08:24 pm |
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Thank you all for your replys and for your prayers. I can feel them today. I know that there are a lot of questions and I want to answer them so I thought I would do it all in one reply.
Tears4us - We are in church, we actually both work for our church. My H has gone to some close friends who also work there and they are now his accountability partners. We have not gone to anyone in 'authority' in the church at this point. He is not using porn and is not masturbating. However, the fact that he can't keep his eyes off of other women, especially at this point in our marriage, tells me that this problem is far from fixed. In May, when we had another D-day and I found this site (thank you Lord) we talked about addiction and that is what led him to seek someone outside of me to talk to. I also know that he has been reading more and praying more. It seems like he is taking steps to get himself better, but at the same time we are getting worse. It's so confusing. He has not sought counsel for any underlying issues and doesn't really see the need to.
RoseLily - I would love to know the books that helped you. I love to read and that would be great.
Esperanza - You are right...things just feel 'stuck'. Just kind of tettering back and forth. What you said made a lot of sense to me. I am searching now for what it is that I need from him. Because at this point I'm not even sure. I will be thinking and praying about that.
Truthseeker - My husband is a believer, as am I. I think he would agree about love not being a warm fuzzy thing. Actually we have had a lot of discussions about that. He feels that love is a choice and that you don't always feel that 'warm fuzzy love' feeling. I agree with that, but if love is a choice, then so are your actions. You see, he also claims that he can't show me love if he doesn't 'feel' that love. I feel like that is a contradiction. I honestly think he is as confused as I am. I whole heartedly agree with #2 that you wrote. Amen. I know he wasn't feeling close to God, but since he broke again in May he has definitely been making effort to read and pray more. Through our talks about counselling I have found that he is sceptical that another person can help us. He feels like God alone can help us and that we don't need to pay someone else a bunch of money to tell us what we need to do. I also think that there is a pride issue. And I know that he doesn't like to face what his sin has done. I know it hurts him and he gets very defensive. I agree with you about the 'unfaithfulness of eyes'. I really wouldn't have thought that would have hurt so much, but I can't seem to get away from it. It breaks my heart.
I think I have come to the conclusion that I need to go see a counselor myself and let him know that I won't be pushing and trying to figure out how to repair our marriage right now, but I am going to work on repairing myself. He has the tendancy to think that when I have a good day and can laugh or joke with him that I've somehow gotten past some of this and then he is shocked when a few days later I'm crying and upset again. I think I just need to let him know that the pain and the problems are still there and that I won't be 'getting over it' until something is done on his part and it is up to him to figure out what. Do you guys think I'm going in the right direction here? Thank you again, all of you, for your loving words and prayers. I can't tell you what it means to me to have someone out there who understands. I wish I could give you all a big hug.
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RoseLily
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 09:17 pm |
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Hi Mission13,
I actually purchased 4 books; two for me and two for my husband, but we've both read through all of them. It was helpful for me to read the books that were geared to help him and vise versa. Perhaps if you bought the books and had them 'laying around' your husband my pick it up and flip through it. (the bathroom is my husbands 'reading room')
Here are the titles, I bought them all on amazon -
False Intimacy
An Affair of the Mind
Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars
Breaking Free
I will also add that my husband attended some SA meetings in our town; It wasn't until he started attending meetings based out of a local church that he really started to progress. In the SA meetings, he was around men that had committed sex crimes, so his porn addicition seemed like "no big deal" .... therefore it didn't help much. In the church group, he was with other chrisitan men that saw porn addidiciton as a serious problem and that helped him a lot more. Just thought I'd add that bit that helped us. It took a long time for him to admit to the word "addidiciton" and even longer to seek help. In time and prayer, I hope that your husband will seek the help and support he needs.
RoseLily
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jul 9th, 2007 10:20 pm |
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Hi mission13,
"You see, he also claims that he can't show me love if he doesn't 'feel' that love." You are right about him being inconsistent. One does not have to feel anything for someone in order to be kind to them, smile at them, hold a door, help with chores, etc. One need not feel anything to be polite. We have even trained ourselves to be polite when we would rather not be, to strangers, but often do not show such restraint to those we claim to love. One need feel nothing in order to be unselfish, letting the other have the last X, listening to what the other enjoys, etc. Defensiveness = pride. Pride says: "I'm not perfect, but neither are you." Humility says: "I know that I have hurt you deeply, and I am sorry with all my heart."
If he doesn't want to pay someone for help, he is going to need to immerse himself in God's Word and other resources that can help him make a U-turn. He needs to figure out how he can "pluck out the eye that offends," and what he needs to do and not do in order to begin to restore trust in your marriage. Love cannot flourish where trust is not present. He must understand that this breech of faithfulness (Matt. 5:27-30) is an open wound that may scab over enough to allow some "normalcy," but is nowhere near to being scar tissue, and that when the scab is bumped, directly by him or by memories, it is going to bleed. Both of you need to be praying to avoid picking the scab. Even a well-healed scar is noticed occasionally.
It is my experience that if I am obedient to Scripture, and pray fervently for it, that God brings my feelings to catch up with my obedient actions, resulting in tremendous joy.
TruthSeeker
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