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RoseLily
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | Las Vegas, Nevada USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 04:12 pm |
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Things have been going so good, I'm almost mad at myself for "letting my guard down" ...
My husband has gone to SA classes through a local church and we have become really active in our own church, we just got back from an awesome vacation and feel very connected. A younger pastor shares the same addidiction so my husband has that support and I know that I also have someone that I can talk to, if things get bad.
We travel pretty often and try to have people stay at our house rather than kennel our dogs. We have lived in our house for a little over two years. The people that have stayed at our house range from single guys that my husband works with to the same pastor mentioned above.
We were home this week and I was putting some of my husband's shoes away in a canvas shoe cubby that hangs over the door. I reached up high to get to the top row and I felt something funny in the pocket. I slipped it out and found a pair (not mine) of women's underwear. My husband SWEARS he has nothing to do with it.
All along, through the addidiction to porn, I always felt in my heart that my husband would NEVER physically cheat on me. His father cheated on his mother only a few short years ago and we all had to go through that pain, so he knows first hand what it can do to a family, besides he has NEVER given me any indication that he would stray. He has a very quiet nature and is not outgoing, I always had to make the first moves and start conversations - in other words he doesn't talk to other people and wouldn't go out a 'seek' anyone. The other thing ... there really isn't any "time" for him to have done anything - he is either at work, in class (and I know that he is really there - he is very serious about school and will get dropped if he misses) or with me. He never goes with with "just the guys from work" or does anything unless it is church or school related. He works with all guys and goes to school with mostly guys or very older married women (not concerned about them), so there isn't even opportunity to meet or form a relationship with anyone and the idea of him hooking up with a stranger is just not in his personality at all. So the question is, if he did have something to do with it - when and how did this person come into his life? There is not other evidence.
I'm torn. My heart really tells me that he didn't do anything - and that this ended up in our house by one of our houseguests over the past two years(but why there I keep saying ...) One of the guys that stayed in our house dated a stripper and I know they had a party the weekend we were gone. But still ... there is a pair of women's underwear that are not mine in our house. He even brought up the point that IF he had anything to do with them - why would he keep them in such an "open place" ... but I'm thinking that he never did a good job of hiding anything before. But at the same time, I have to agree with that ... if he had done something, why would he keep evidence? I just dont' know.
He has volunteered to take a lie detector test and/or get the garmet DNA tested. I laughed at this because I'm so cheap with money that I'm wondered if he said this because he knows that I wouldn't want to spend the money? He told me that we could go through all of the cell phone records, email, etc to prove that he didn't do anything. I did indeed go through cell records -- even looking at all the times that I'm out of town and the only calls made were back and forth to my cell or to his parent's house. Nothing else in his life would say that he did this, other than the garmet.
On the other hand, if he did this and I "let it go" ... what does that mean to him?
There is really no way to prove he did or didn't do this and I feel it is basically up to me to call the shot ...
Like he said, it is like the little boy that cried wolf ... he has lied to me hundreds of times over porn and destroyed trust and now when he "really needs me to believe him", I can't.
Help, please.
Last edited on Fri Jul 6th, 2007 04:21 pm by RoseLily
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Esperanza
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| Joined: | Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 05:33 pm |
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I may not be the best person to give advice as I have my hands full at present time with my own things but I can feel your anguish and it just hurts to ignore your post. I may be wrong but I probably would try to keep a cool head in this being that you have no other evidence. It is possible that he is lying but what if the progress your marriage seems to have made slips because of a false accusation? It is kind of a high price to pay. I know you feel torn but God says there is nothing hidden that he can’t make visible. Ask God to mercifully open your heart and your eyes to anything that you might need to know and I know this will happen and he’ll give you the strength and the courage to get deal with it.
Oh, one last thing. I would be very careful with allowing people stay at my house even if I know them. It can just lend itself to all sorts of unexpected difficulties that you really don't need.
RoseLily, I pray that the Lord help you at this time and you’ll be in my prayers so that you can get through this. Keep me in your prayers too please.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
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Posted: Sat Jul 7th, 2007 12:18 am |
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Hi RoseLily,
I believe that Esperanza has given you wise counsel. I, too, am praying for discernment, but am inclined to believe your H based on your reasoning. Yes, subtle vigilance is not a bad idea, but will, hopefully, reap nothing.
TruthSeeker
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RoseLily
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 20th, 2006 |
| Location: | Las Vegas, Nevada USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Sat Jul 7th, 2007 12:49 am |
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Thank you for the responses and kind words. I don't have anyone that I feel comfortable talking with this about besides this group. Mostly, I'm afraid of what others may say, to include leaving him, which is the last thing that I really want to do.
I have been praying and thinking about this since it happened, earlier this week. At first, I thougt I was going to be okay, but I broke down in tears last night and we haven't spoke but a few words to each other since then, it seems he just doesn't know what to do or say because when he says that he has nothing to do with them, I just get angry and confused.
I began to think today that the devil must have a role in this; We had been doing so well and growing close to God and our marriage was better than it had ever been and then this happened.
I am going to go with my feelings and the advice of the two responses and trust him, and continue to pray for if something needs to be revealed that it will be shown to me by God. Nothing in his actions, words, spending, phone calls or interactions with others would lead me to think that he would be with another woman physically, so I must go with what he has shown me for the past 7 years and not the single piece of clothing that mysteriously showed up in our house.
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