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MovingOn
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 10:43 pm |
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I want to start off by thanking everyone for all their stories. I saw myself in your pain and struggle and I'm glad there's a place like this where I know people understand. I'm 25 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. I've known almost from the begining that he looked at porn, but I was afriad to say anything to him about it at first. After I realized how bad it was and that he wasn't going to stop on his own, I told him I wanted him to go to counseling. At that time we had been together for one year, since then - its been a cycle of him blaming me, being in denial, finally admitting he has a problem, making promises and then inevitably - breaking them.
In the begining we had talked about marriage and having a family, but everything was put on hold. I thought we would eventually move past this, but as the years have come and gone I know I can't expect anything more than what he's already giving me.
My heart has been broken so many times, and at time I've been so low that I've thought of just giving up on my life. There's been times where for days I can't sleep. Or when everyday I look in the mirror and hate what I see because it's not the image of the type of woman he wants.
Several months ago I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't take the emotional isolation and the coldness from him anymore. I felt like the whole relationship was a lie, and I wasted nearly a decade of my life on someone who was a fake. Again, he made promises and AGAIN they were broken.
My boyfriend's father is a womanizer and a liar. I see many of the same traits in my bf that his father has. I finally decided this past week that I needed to make some changes. I told him that I wanted to have two months by myself to think. The truth is that when I'm without him, I'm much happier and I feel a lot better about myself. But lately I've been feeling guilty and I'm finding it hard to let go of what we had and all the dreams I had for our life together. I really thought he was the one.
My question is - is it wrong for me to move on with my life? If it's not, then why do I feel guilty? I still love him very much, but I don't feel like a strong enough person to stay. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 06:03 am |
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Hi MovingOn,
There comes a point, when there is no evidence of recovery, that it is time to move on. It must be weighed with prayer in each situation. While not married, eight years is a long time, a third of your life, to be committed to someone. Once you have made the decision to move on, though, you must not second guess yourself. It is completely normal to grieve the loss of the relationship, experiencing, at varying points, the stages common to grieving, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While "hope springs eternal," hope of having his faithfulness, someday, is a disastrous foundation for a future together, and an unconscienable one to bring children into.
You, and your life, are precious to God. Take some time to dig in to His Word to see just how much He loves you, and that His precious daughter's worth should never be defined by human treatment.
You might find interesting the articles, on the site below, about how unhealthy cycles trickle down through families, if the cycle is not deliberately broken and replaced with life-giving truth.
http://www.pureintimacy.org
TruthSeeker
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 05:04 pm |
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| I agree with TruthSeeker 100%. Letting go is one of the hardest things we do, but there are times when it is in out best interest to do so. That dose not make it easy. I think you are doing the right thing. It may not seen that way now, but one day you will see that you saved yourself a whole lot of unwanted heart ache. I am praying for you sweetie....
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MovingOn
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 08:41 pm |
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Thank you Truthseeker and Tear4us, I was already staring to doubt myself and your words helped me. Letting go, is the hardest part. I've spent a lot of time trying everything I could to save the relationship and it's hard just to walk away and say "I can't do anymore". I felt this relationship was worth fighting for, and I can't understand why he didn't feel the same way. He would rather have his own isolated world with pornography than open up himself and have a life with me. It's hard to accept but that's really what it comes down to. It hurts like heck and it makes me so angry. I want to ask him 'why?' but I know that he would not have a response.
Right now I'm feeling pretty defeated. I put all my heart and trust in him and now I have to build myself back up. This has truly crushed me - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There have been times when I've been so confused about the truth, that I'll sit for days trying to sort it all out. He's come home with blonde hairs on his clothes before (I have brown hair), but I can't bring myself to admit the obvious. When I confront him about anything he says that I am crazy. I don't understand how someone could lie and purposefully confuse someone like that. I don't know who he is, and I'll never know what the truth is. I can dig and dig and I would never get anywhere. I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure it out and now I know that I just have to let go. God is telling me to let go and I just need to listen to him.
It is hard admitting that a person you spent 8 years of your life with is a stranger. I feel like those years have been stolen from me and the person that I loved in the begining was either never real or is lost. Either way, he's out of my reach.
Thank you for your prayers. God will hear me and God will lead me through this.
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 09:34 pm |
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O, sweetie. I so feel your pain. Here is a few things that I thought you may like to read......
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
Here is a good site on Letting Go and Letting God.....
http://www.entourages.com/barbs/Master9.htm
http://www.christis.org.uk/archive/issue63/letting_go.php
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MovingOn
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 10:50 pm |
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Thank you Tears4us. That poem really hit me. After I read it, I went back and read some of the other posts and I realized something. I was still unwilling to admit that my boyfriend is like many of the men described on this board. Even after catching him numerous times with web cams, in chat rooms, in emails, blonde hairs on his clothing and numbers in his wallet. I sat down and started to write about why I thought I was still in denial. I wrote down everything I was unwilling to admit to myself about my boyfriend 1.) That he has never been faithful to me 2.) That he is like his father 3.) That he is manipulative and a liar 4.) that he is selfish - and so on. I realized that I have created in my mind this false identity for my boyfriend. It's true that he lies and feeds into this false identity, but I have been shown numerous times that it is false and I still chose to believe it.
When I asked myself why I would lie to myself, I realized that this is a pattern I have been repeating all my life. I don't mean to offend anyone but as I look at the board I noticed that a lot of the attention and focus tends to be on the husbands or boyfriends. When the focus is on them, it is easy to avoid looking at ourselves and evaluating why we have come to this point in our lives. When I started to focus on myself, I realized that this pattern of betrayal and lies is not something I am new to. I have experienced this all my life, starting with my parents. This pattern has been repeating since then. I am betrayed, but I cover up the betrayal with a lie. I noticed that even when I see signs that a person is false, I still seek them out. It is almost like I am seeking out the lie. And when you seek something, you will find it.
I don't mean to belittle anyone's hurt or struggle. I know that for many of you this has been a shock and the first time you have ever experienced this type of betrayal. In my case, unfortunately, it is not. Sometimes people do change, and circumstances change but I believe in order for anything to change we must start with ourselves.
Ironically, I feel very empowered by what I am begining to understand. All these years I have been surrounding myself with lies. The lies have offered a false sense of security and acceptance. But I became trapped by the lies, and now I must turn to God so that he can set me free with the truth.
God Bless.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 12:32 am |
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Hi MovingOn,
Amen! Praise God for this revelation!
Praying for you as you seek God's truth...
TruthSeeker
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Esperanza
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 06:21 pm |
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Dear Moving On,
I am so glad that your time separated from your boyfriend is being put to good use. It seems like you are really searching inwards from some answers and with the help of God, that is the best place to go. I just wanted to let you know I admire your courage to have made the decision you did and ask for some time.
I also wanted to share that if I would have known prior to getting married that my H had the issues he did, I would have made other decisions. I don’t want to look back at what I should or could have done as I’m now responsible for the consequences of my decisions and can’t turn back time but you still have that opportunity. You’ve been there for him and should feel no guilt if you decided to move on. (Althought ultimately it’s your decision). I can just tell you if you decide to remain at his side, marriage is a commitment in front of God which makes you responsible to share this “sickness” for who knows how long. I pray that God will guide you to make the decision that is lined with his perfect will and purpose for you.
One last thing, your post is titled “Letting go of my dreams”. Maybe you can look at it as “Waking up from a nightmare”. I’m in that process right know. You will be in my prayers.
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MovingOn
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Posted: Fri Jul 6th, 2007 07:49 pm |
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Esperanza,
Thank you for your words of support. I agree, I think "Waking up from a nightmare" is more appropiate but at the time I really felt that I was letting go of all the illusions I had about our future together. At this point I am starting to be hopeful again. I had put off marriage for so long because I was waiting for him to change, now I have my dream of marriage back - except it won't be with him.
God has been very patient with me and he has done a lot to guide me in the right direction. I understand now that I had to go through all this to really make some serious changes in my life. I was blind for so long and He has helped me to see. Thank you for your prayers, you are in my prayers as well.
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